Diz Rant

Aching

2011-07-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

There's a part of me that's died tonight. It's like a bitter pill that dissolves in my mouth, and I can't get rid of the foul taste of it. My nephew is dead. And there's so much more to this story then I should post. But I can't. I've been strong all day. I've held his mother and father, I told my sister (who gave him up for adoption) that he's gone, I told my mother, but the worst part was telling my boy (his brother) that they'll never be able to finish their relationship. I want to scream from the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rail about the choices that were made that I couldn't control. I want to throw ashes on my head, like the women in biblical times. I want to strike out and make someone hurt as much as I do. I want to give my life for another moment so my boy and the parents could have some more time with him. I want to die so I could have more time with him. But I need to be here for my kid and his sister. I keep screaming silently, so no one will hear me. But the screaming in my head is so loud, it's deafening.

I'm happy I was your friend, but I so wanted to be your Auntie. I so wanted you to know how very much I love you and that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. That alone in the night, I want so very much to understand your pain and to take it away. That I fought for your happiness, and thought you had it. Your parents so love you. It broke my heart to see your mother fighting the heart-wrenching sobs over your loss. The vacant stare on your father's face considering the empty nothingness without you.

What kind of deal with God can I make to bring you back? Can I sell my soul to the Devil? What bargain can be struck to see your face again? Take everything, take it all. Take my life, my money, my house, my heart, my soul. I thought I gave it all when you left, but I was so wrong. I never thought my heart could be double-tapped like it is now. Rest in peace sweet boy. I so love you.

Yoyo

2011-04-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like since I got back on the StairMaster, my weight has been doing this bouncing yoyo trick. I spend 3 fraking months not exercising and maintain a steady weight and as soon as I get back to exercising, it bounces like a fraking superball. Up, down…up, down…up, down. It's enough to turn a sane girl to tequila! What is up with that? My eating habits are fairly the same but my body is trying to get used to being back in the metabolism zone. At least my clothes are fitting. As a matter of fact, I don't see much of a change in sizing, so I must be ok. I'm in the 6/8 category (or 9 in misses) so I'm not complaining about that. Just wish it would steady out.

I'm actually fairly comfortable with where I'm at in the body/weight range. I expect to drop about 5 to 7 lbs though just tightening up and toning, but not by dieting. I gave up dieting and just changed my eating habits when I started this journey 3 years ago. I watch what I eat during the week, load up on proteins, vegetables and fruit. I'm extremely sparse on bread and most carbs, drink lots of water and I exercise. On the weekends, I drink my margaritas, eat what I want (within reason, I don't totally pig out) and exercise either Saturday or Sunday. I do need to do something about my inner thighs though. Vin Diesel does give me a workout, but they're fairly flabby! I'm thinking about one of those ThighMasters, especially since I won't have access to weight machine equipment anymore. It's nice and compact and would go with me.

It's weird trying to whittle your life down to a few boxes. Deciding what to keep for the long haul and what you haven't used or worn in ages and getting rid of it. A girl at work has been the recipient of some of my clothes. She's losing weight so fast that the nice slacks that I bought 6 months ago probably won't fit her for long (I just downsized 4 weeks ago after the "Chonie Incident"). I have tons of books and magazines that will be difficult to let go of. I left most of the stuff to the man, so I should only have a few boxes, i.e. clothes, shoes, Pampered Chef stuff, etc.

Now the big question….what does one do with the Wedding Dress? It's not like I want to destroy it because I value our marriage and don't regret the experience or regret marrying the man. There's no way the style is coming back. If I keep it, it would only be for dress-up purposes for my niece, but that's a lot of space for something like that. Any ideas?

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Reflections

2011-04-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a funk. Not depressed really, but maybe a bit overwhelmed with the magnitude of all that needs to be done. I go outside to bring in some wood and find myself pausing for long periods, smelling the air, watching the trees, looking at the sky between our pine/oak canopy and knowing that soon, I won't be able to do that anymore. I know in my heart that I'll really miss it. I've been in the Sierra's for 20 years this July…two decades.

I remember the two of us taking a drive up the Foresthill Road and about half way (I still remember the exact point) I knew this was it. I turned to Norm and said "This is where I want to live". It was just far enough away from the drama of Sacramento, but close enough to put up with a commute. When you find "home" you just know. This small community welcomed us and took us in. I love that they close down Main Street for the 4^th of July parade. I love that they throw fundraisers for local people in need. I love that the community embraces and supports the schools and the little league teams. I love that complete strangers will wave to me from their front porch as I go walking by, but then they're not really strangers, are they?

But then I wake up, like today, and the sun is shining. I'm healthy, I have a job and a future, and I know everything will be ok. I'll make the occasional trek back to my mountain town and visit friends. I'll bring my Niece to visit her Uncle and we'll take time to play in the park. I guess the trick is to be "in" and enjoy the moment.

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Update

2011-04-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well, we've bid adieu to another season of taxes. We went through a preparer this year due to the changes, inheritance, etc. Actually got a refund from Fed/State, which blew me away… till I figured out why.

Home loan stuff is completed and now I'm just following up with the contractor on when his schedule is open and review of the plans for the house. Hope I have enough money to cover it all. The revisions will take 3 ½ months, so I'll be rooming with a friend. She only lives a couple of miles from the place, so I'll be able to check up and to check mail. Looks like I'll be reunited with my kitty and move into the house in September.

All the decisions that need to be made are intimidating. I've been going through stores like Home Depot and Lowes, visiting websites, asking opinions on what kind of appliances, what kinds of faucets, cabinets, blah blah blah. I so wish I was one of those "Girly Girl" chicks that can decorate naturally, but I'm really 50% male. I like the rusts, brown, no frill type stuff, but can't decorate to save my life!!! Inside the house is like a foreign world to me..I can live in it, but all that other stuff, who knows!

I'm also debating about what to do to enclose my yard at a reasonable price. I do not want wood fencing! SimTek looks nice, but pricey! So is stone! Should I consider more of a natural barrier like a fast growing tree? I could actually surround the property for under $7k with a natural fence of Thuja Green Giant trees. They grow 3-5 feet per year, are thick, drought tolerant, disease & insect resistant and are not prone to bagworm and grow in almost any soil. What do you guys think of that option? Whatever suggestions you give will be considered.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'll try and update a little more often. It's difficult with packing and stuff. Not even sure if I'll have computer access during the summer (except by iPhone).

Sent from Diz's iPhone

BEEN A LONG TIME....

2011-03-02T12:17:00.001-08:00

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I posted. The only excuse I can use is that “life got in the way”. Been scrambling to get a home loan to complete the repairs/remodel needed on the CH house. I finally get one through Paramount Equity and the home appraises much lower than expected. What does this mean for me? Well, the add-on to the house may have to wait (I was going to extend the great room into the carport), but I can do everything else inside the house, so I should be ok. What I figure I can do is go ahead and renovate what I have, put the new solar on the roof, then have the house re-appraised and get a re-finance at a bigger amount and then get the room done. My contractor says in his opinion, we haven’t seen the end of the housing crash and thinks that interest rates will dip even lower this summer/fall, so I could possibly beat my current interest rate of 4.75%.

In the meantime, I’m going to have a huge sheet-rock, interior gutting party and supply pizza and beer. I’ve already got some great buddies lined up to assist, so I’m psyched about that, and that will save me a huge amount of money to put toward the remodel. What would I do without friends?

The cool thing is the Soon-to-be-Ex and I are getting along. He’s been helping me out as far as the loan stuff, meeting with the appraiser and getting his share of the divorce paperwork done. He’s not happy about it, but he is being chill. The only thing that bothers me is that he’s still refusing to take responsibility for his part in this. He knows that he bears it, but when he speaks, it’s always something else. In his words, he “married an independent woman so this is part of the outcome”. I corrected him and said that I’m not divorcing him because I’m independent. I wanted to be an independent married woman. I’m divorcing him because I finally drew a hard line in the sand and he crossed it. My fear is that even this life-altering event will not stop his addiction and it will be hard to watch him deteriorate…even from a distance. I’m not divorcing him because I don’t love him anymore…I do still love him. I’m divorcing him because the decisions he makes while under the influence of alcohol impact my life and future, and I can’t let him do that anymore.

On the upbeat, my having to stress my independence has given me confidence. I’m still scared, but it’s the healthy scared..not the paralyzed scared I was feeling last summer. A person never really knows what they’re capable of until they have to face their demons. That whole “fight or flight” thing kicks in. Well Ladies and Gentlemen….if I’m going down…I’m going down fighting, and I’m taking chunks out of my opponent as I go!

Roll with the Changes

2010-12-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

We all make decisions that can change our lives. Sometimes we don't know we're making them, or the impact that it will have until much later. I'm rolling with my changes. There's a lot for me to do and although I think I have to do them quickly, maybe I don't. Maybe I can just take my time and savor the feeling.

It's Christmas time, and the lights are out and people generally have a feeling of good will. Although you always hear the mall stories about people fighting over the last toy. Thank God, I was never that kind of obsessed shopper. I love the smells in the air and the Christmas music, I love watching people do nice things for others. I love performing random acts of kindness and watch the rippling effect. Although to be honest, I do the random stuff all year around so I can selfishly enjoy it. This next year will be very different for me. Although I'm never alone because I'm lucky enough to have friends as family, it will be different not having that significant other by my side. It will be one of many challenges that I will face for 2011.

I know that all of you have challenges to face this next year also. I'm looking forward to facing them together. So while we're all enjoying our Christmas dinners, let's make sure to say a prayer for our service men and women who won't make it home and their families that support their efforts. We are truly a blessed nation, despite our faults and our troops fight to make sure we stay that way. If I don't get the chance to blog before hand, Merry Christmas my friends. Each of you are my greatest gift and I couldn't want for more with you by my side.

Pissing and Moaning...

2010-12-12T21:37:00.000-08:00

It's a Sunday nite. I'm lying in bed it my iPhone 4 locked in to the "In Your Face" stand (if you don't have one, it's a must!), which is clipped to a coffee table book that is acting as a stand and my keyboard on top, plugging away. I'm sipping a nog on ice that's more brandy than nog.

I was going to rant about a bunch of idiots who want to be politically correct about Christmas carolling at work, but I'm tired of the subject and am tired of wasting my breath. I already warned ya'll that I will be discussing all aspects of divorce, so here goes another aspect.

At what point, when trying to separate yourself from your soon to be ex-partner, do you stop feeling like a complete asshole? I've done most of my Christmas shopping already and I took care of what the Boy was going to receive and I get a text from the EX asking what we're doing for the boy. I said that I've already send him something and I don't know what he's doing for him. I don't want to be a complete bitch about things, but I also want him to take me seriously about separating our lives. It's almost like he wants to separate our lives when he feels like it's making a point (usually about money) but not when it's about "looking like a couple" to the world. Whatup with that???

I'll have to admit that I'm harboring some resentment because I've always done most of the Christmas shopping and planning. I always put up the tree and decorated it. I always made a huge fuss and I enjoyed it for the most part. It would've been nice to have some help, but I love the pomp of it all. Now, when it's time to take care of our own stuff, he wants me to go in on something so he doesn't have to handle it.

I'm just being petty and being a bitch, but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm tired of being responsible. I don't think I've stopped being responsible since I was 10.

My Mom said something today that kinda brought that home. I have a Dr. Appt. tomorrow and she kept asking what kind of appointment it was. I said its routine stuff. She said that Mom's never stop worrying. What is she talking about? She's never worried about me. She's always known that I handle everything. It's like once I got to a certain age, she could abdicate the worrying to me because I'd take care of it...and I have. It must be so convenient to be able to wipe your slate clean and start each day anew. Both my Mom and Sister have that knack...I don't.I remember everything.

Ah well..."And this too shall pass". Took care of some business today, got the laves off the driveway, cut some wood. Getting a cord delivered tomorrow and will be splitting some of that. With all the time off the EX has had, you'd think he'd take care of that too, but no....that's me. "See if you can get a cord of wood and we'll split the cost"...yeah whatever. I need to take a chill pill and find a man with large hands to take this stress off my shoulders. Dare to dream.

Sexting

2010-12-02T16:29:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I've been initiated into the world of "sexting". Ok, it wasn't recently, I'll say in the past year or so. But it's happening more and more frequently. Now those of you who know me, know that I love to write. I like the old fashioned pen-to-paper writing, the scratching sound, the smell of paper, finding just the right pen with the proper ink flow, etc.

This sexting is a genre of its own. Is it healthy to sext? Can it come back and bite you in the ass? Is there any way to program your sexts to self-destruct after the reader has enjoyed it and lit their cigarette? In this world of technology, do I really want a trace of my warped, sexual fantasies flowing around in the techno ether? Will the reader respect me in the morning…Ok, that's a loaded question; they may have never respected me… But I think you see what I'm getting at. It was one thing to call someone and give them a verbal spanking/etc, but it's an entirely different matter to leave physical evidence of it.

I'm nervous when I do it because I'm not sure what's going to happen with those naughty little tidbits I put out there. It requires a certain amount of trust. That's something I have a difficult time with. On the other hand…

I won't catch a disease sexting, well, not a physical one anyway;

I don't have to worry about who picks up the check,

I don't have to gnaw my arm off to get away,

I don't have to cuddle…unless my kitty is up for it…

There's no commitment, marriage, expectations, etc,

It doesn't matter if I'm having a bad hair day,

I can drink a margarita, watch a movie and sext at the same time…wait a minute…

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Love Actually

2010-11-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

On this Thanksgiving, I've finished eating a wonderful meal and am watching the sappy movies I always pull out during this season. As the title of the blog says, I'm watching the movie "Love Actually". But I'll get to that in a minute.

I'm so very thankful for my family and friends. My friends have kept me going when I thought that maybe I don't have the strength to embark on this path I've chosen, or maybe I'm wrong and I should go back to the same ole thing. My friends keep my head on straight and tell me when I'm full of shit or when I'm doing the right thing. And I'm blessed enough to have friends as my family.

As much as I've bitched and ranted, I am thankful for the 18 years of marriage and the 24 years of friendship with Norm. He is a good man and he's behaving honorably through this divorce. He's taught me a lot and no matter what, I know in my heart that love is always there.

So this Thanksgiving was spent on thinking about those very things and eating a nice meal. Now, why watch "Love Actually"?? Well, I always pull out the fun, romantic Christmas movie at Thanksgiving or after. Ok...here's the sappy part. As much as I feel like I've been stomped on and fucked over when it comes to love, there's a tiny spark inside of me that wants to believe that the "sun always shines on TV", that wants to believe in the whole "Happily ever after" crap. My head says that's not going to happen and I need to be smart and sensible. Romance may not be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously through these damned movies.

If I fail to find joy in these movies, does that mean magic dies? Does it mean that there's no hope for me, or for my heart? While I loved my husband, he really wasn't much on the romance, or magic side of the relationship. It was me. I created the fun, the sparkle, the romance. the "What if" of it all. I fear that may not actually exist.

But that's why I love the movies I do and I love the holiday season, the magic, etc. I love the possibilities of it all. I love people being nice to each other. I love random acts ov kindness. I love that people will actually care (or pretend to care) about other people around them. There is a spirit in the air. Some people call it the "spirit of Christmas", the season of giving, etc. I'd like to believe it's the spirit that surrounds us all the time. If we just give into the magic, the spirit will fill us too.

Yes, I may wake up in January and ask myself, "what the fuck were you thinking with this blog excerpt"? But even if I do, at least I experienced the magic of the moment. For a brief shining second (as Bill Murray would say in "Scrooged") I'm the person that I could be, that I always wanted to be. Is that so bad?

So. Here's to miracles, the holiday season, the spirit of giving, the magic that we all can breathe in if we just give it a chance. Here's to you, my friends, my loved ones, my heart and soul. I want you to have what I don't. I want the magic for you. I want love everlasting. I want giving and hope and joy. I want miracles and most of all....I want love for you.

Updates...

2010-11-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

I got the Beanster for the weekend. What a blast she is. We always have fun when we're together. Although she did put me on the spot with a question. We came in from the garage, and she said "Damian is your Nephew and your son...and I'm your Niece and your daughter". I replied "not exactly, Damian is my nephew and son, but you're my Niece". She replied "What I can't be your Niece and Daughter? Why does Damian get to be both and not me?" I lifted her up in my arms and smooched her and told her that I couldn't love her anymore if she was my daughter and she had nothing to worry about. I think Lucy will have some "splaining" to do in the future.

On Saturday, the man came to the house and helped out, ran stuff to the dump, etc. Beanie asked if he could go to the park with us, so we did, and had fun. On the way home, she asked if we could go to the Ore Cart Saloon for dinner instead of cooking the ribs and if Uncle could go. We ended up taking her...it's hard to resist her and those beautiful blue eyes. Afterward, she asked if Uncle was going to stay the night, and Uncle told her that he needed to head down and stay with his Dad. He was totally cool about the whole thing. I'm not telling Beanster about the Divorce for now, possibly next spring. She has enough to deal with since her mom and boyfriend split. I so appreciated the Man being cool, nice and accepting of the situation.

It seems my first bill to the CH house came in the mail...house insurance. This means that I won't be able to go to Omaha to see my brother for Christmas...(wasn't expecting this bill), but that's ok. I'll go in the spring. Not sure how to go about the whole thing...can we just to to the County Recorder's office and have my name taken off the title of the FH house and His taken off the CH house so that after the divorce is final I don't have to worry about titles? This whole thing is so confusing. I like that the Man just told me about the bill and is accepting our decisions. It just reminds me that although his actions while he's drinking sucks, he's an honorable, good man and I need to respect that.

See??? Even a stubborn bitch like me can learn something.

Tomorrow, I'm having tea in Auburn with some cool ladies. It's been awhile since we've been able to get together. One of our group will be missing (missing man formation needed here) and it won't be the same without her.

Hope this blog finds you all well and satisfied.

Good News???

2010-11-12T16:01:00.001-08:00

Well, I was thinking that this whole divorce thing was going to get out of hand after the phone call I received last weekend from the man, stating that he changed his mind on the property due to Dad. However, after meeting yesterday, not only is the property hashed out, but he agreed to everything on my list. Was totally reasonable about the whole thing!!! I'm not sure where the change of heart came from…I can only be thankful that it'll be ok.

So now the goal is to have the papers filed this month and move on with it before anything else pollutes the issue. I know it's sucky of me to file for divorce in our anniversary month, and by the rate it's going, close to our anniversary date, but I think it's important just to have it done and over with. I hope I'm forgiven in the future and if things go along this smoothly, I may be.

More good News!!!

I'm picking up my niece Serene for the weekend. Yes, Serenie Beanie, aka Beanster is mine for two days. I ask her what she wants for dinner those two nights and her answer is "Shrimp and TV Dinner" (she is 8 years old). I ask her why TV Dinner, that I would be happy to cook for her and she thinks about it and changes her mind to "Ribs". She also reminded me to not forget the "cocktail sauce". So I'll pick her up tonight and we'll do shrimp first, along with a "make our own baked potato" entrée. I don't know about you, but I love creating the ultimate baked potato. The last one I made was a spin on the "Cobb Salad" so I stacked my baked potato with blue cheese crumbles, bacon crumbles, hardboiled egg, tomato, avocado, fresh minced garlic and green onions! Yes, the angels sang as I bit into that little slice of heaven! I'm interested in seeing what the Beanster's choices will be for her potato toppings. Chilli? Cheese? We shall see and I'll report back.

Yes, this blog update is a yippie skippie one, so if you were looking for doom and gloom or political diatribe…sorry to disappoint ya! NOT!

Sent from Diz's iPhone

“Oh I’m newly Calibrated…all Shiny and Clean”

2010-11-05T10:55:00.001-07:00

Weird, but I'm feeling a lot like that song quote above. The bank came through yesterday and gave me back the $1,000 that was missing. Woohoo…breathing room! I finally got a full night of sleep, after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the floor, including the entry way. I think I know how to proceed on this divorce thing, so I feel relieved about that. I made plans for 4th of July and a week in Mexico for Thanksgiving next year with some special friends. I'm feeling like everything will be ok. Yes, I know that I'll come down from this vacation euphoria and that I'll get gobsmacked with bad days, but for now I'm blowing sunshine out my…well, you know.

On tap for the weekend, raking in the yard, vacuuming the house, getting in a couple of hours of bedroom cleaning, some laundry, but most important…hanging with friends!!! Tonight I'm getting together with Kel and Vicster…they're always a blast. Sunday I'm getting together with Timmaaayyy and his wife Vicki. How blessed can I be to have great friends to spend time with? With a little luck, I can get the Beanster next weekend and all will be right with my little world.

Next question on the list…What to do for Thanksgiving? My Mom has Thanksgiving invitations, so that is good. I'm thinking about blowing off Thanksgiving this year, getting in the truck and just driving. Where? Don't know. I love to cook and stuff, but the thought of it not quite being the same is a little daunting. There's always friends to spend it with, which is extremely cool, but I just don't know. Any suggestions out there?

Also thinking about the possibilities of the CH house I'll be living in next year. What do I want to do with it? What kind of renovation? I'm thinking that I want to enclose the yard and make a courtyard out of it for entertaining friends, and myself. Plus, JazzyKat will feel safer about lounging in the yard if it's enclosed. I'm thinking an outdoor firepit, a new grill, lights in the trees, etc. How much will that cost? If I enclose the Carport and expand the house a bit, and redo the inside, how much will that cost? I have a friend that will do my floors for me…so I feel good about that. How much will it cost to put of a 3-4 foot wall around the property? It won't need to go all the way around, just on the two facing roads. How much can I do myself? How much will I save doing it? Where do I find all this information and read up on it? Why am I asking questions like a two-year old?

Ah well. We shall see what the future will bring.

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Are you ready for the next Revolution?

2010-11-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Cabo. Although I didn't get down time Saturday nite and Sunday morning, the rest of Sunday was mine! I should've done more with it than I did, but that's ok. I discovered Sunday that my ATM was used fraudulently in Mexico and that I needed to cancel it, which I did. Monday was spent going to the bank, turning in the old card and ordering a new one. I also visited Jen…Ya'll know Jen. She owns the nails I wear on my fingers. I think I did her proud cuz they were still on after a month of no "Jen Care"…unlike Obama Care, Jen Care actually works! I also dropped off the radio that I borrowed from Rog and Kel. They totally spoiled us on the trip…actually all of our guests totally spoiled us on the trip. I am blessed with great friends!

Tuesday found me back at work dear blog readers! Damn the bad luck, but I actually had a tough time getting my sorry tushie out of bed! It was a productive day, but I found out that two of the charges to my account actually went through and I'm a thousand dollars short. Dizzy was not a happy camper, but I actually took the news quite well..I think the vacation paid off. I headed down to my bank and filled out the fraud paperwork. The bad news is that it may take 10 business days to resolve, which is not good for Dizzy. After the 18 months of furlough and exhausting my savings, I don't have a lot of disposable cash to fall back on…add being in Cabo for 30 days and there may be some tough times ahead. Ah well, "And this too shall pass".

Note…diatribe coming……

I did take the time to "Rock My Vote" but I gotta tell ya, I'm sick of living in such a damned liberal state. The majority of California voters never read what the hell they're voting in. They also never treat the voter ballot like a check book. Does California have money for this proposition…No? Guess I can't vote for it. They think California is going to start growing Money Trees or something. How come they never equate the CA checkbook to their own situation. Gee, I'd really love to have that iPad, but I've maxed out all of my credit cards and I only have $100 to spend on food and gas for the rest of the month. Unless the money tree out back starts sprouting, guess I have to pass!!! I also cannot stomach voting for the lesser of two evils. Why can't I vote for a qualified candidate and feel comfortable that no matter which way the vote goes, a reasonable person will take over the helm. I may not agree with their agenda, but I can feel comfortable that they'll pass the budget, keep the legislature in line and put California before any special interests or big corporations. In California…NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! I think I'm gonna have to move my fiscally conservative butt to Montana, hunker down on a plot of land and defend it with my right to own arms. Too bad I'm unable to retire anytime soon…darn it.

Until the next blog…..

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Reflections on the last day....

2010-10-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

All in all, it's been a great vacation. It was nice to not check my work email ONCE! Many friends harbored serious doubts as to whether or not I could do it, but it was all about self-preservation folks. And ultimately, my sanity is not going down for any job.

Yesterday, we spent the day in Cabo San Lucas and had a fabulous time. We shopped (well, the girls shopped..Niecey and Chris can shop circles around me since I'm half man) we drank cheap happy hour beer, margaritas and pina coladas. We won a contest at the Mango Beach Bar. It was a "name the movie" contest based on the music the played. Yes peeps, since I love music so much I managed to quarterback our team to victory. I managed to get the two obscure ones, i.e. Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and The Fifth Element. WooHoo!!!

I finally plunked down the money for my Cabo hat (too expensive) and bought a silver circlet for my neck. Didn't do too much on the trinket purchase though. It was a good day. We came back and took some fish up to Sardina Cantina and they prepared it 5 different ways for 3 different kinds of fish. Everyone was in belly heaven.

After the dinner though, Niecey noted that it was interesing how I'd finally let my defenses down and be nice to "The Man", and he would take the gesture and run with it and suddenly we're a couple. He was even talking to the people we met at the Cantina about how "we'd be there next year", and "Babe and I do this" and "Babe does that", etc. Pretending that everything was going to stay the same. She noted how if I just give him a little bit of rope, suddenly it's as if the separation never happened. Going back to the real world is really going to hurt him. I, on the other hand, never left the real world. I've been separated the whole time we've been here. The pillow has always been in the middle of the bed and there's no crossing the boundaries. This is going to be one fucked up year Ladies and Gentlemen. I actually feel good though. I feel ready. I feel that I'm doing a good job preparing and that I'll be ok.

It also doesn't hurt that my confidence meter went up a couple of notches with the bit of attention I've received thanks to the Military Ranger tool and Earnesto (no, he's not hispanic, he's from Washington). Plus, my light flirtation with my Iowa Boy, always keeps myt spirit up. He's such a godsend!

Now, we have to print out our boarding passes, pack up and be ready to hit the road in the morning. I'm sorry to see the time pass so quickly, but I look forward to change. Change in the weather, change in my residence, change in my work, change in my soul.

Word of warning peeps...The blog will take a decided turn towards the events of divorce. If you're not interested, or if you don't want to know because you're close to the man, then you've been warned. Yes, with the coming elections and the nature of the national mood, I will still be ranting and railing about the injustices I perceive as a means of dealing with it all, but I have the feeling that I'll be leaching poison most often.

Here's hoping that this blog finds you all well, healthy and happy...or at least getting even!

Wednesday...October ???

2010-10-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! It's been so busy! Sorry I haven't kept up with the blogging. With the three couples together and doing stuff, it seems like there isn't time. So far we've had a blast!

Lots of poolside time, relaxation, cooking. There's so much food in the fridge (we are blessed) that we'll have to give it away before we go.

We tooled around San Jose del Cabo yesterday and checked out the shops, drank tequila, and ended up at Shooter's once again for happy hour. Hey, if it works, gotta roll with it. We girls started our own drama, i.e. Days of our Lives in Cabo. Some 22 year old boy had a crush on my friend and was hitting on her. Of course, he would have an ex-girlfriend working at the place and she wasn't happy. Turns out the boy is a "playa, at a tender age"....of course us girls are just a bunch of homewreaking Cougars! Ah well.

I met a really cute, nice man who lives in Washington. Although I know nothing will come of it, it was nice to be found attractive, be flirted with, and have someone pursue me. He had gone fishing and ended up giving us some dorado that he caught, so we cooked it up with a spicy seafood recipe. And he have me his card, so I guess he was really interested. Yes, he knows the situation, because I was extremely upfront about it. Goodness knows, I have enough work on my hands before all of this mess is through, but I didn't want him thinking that I was just being a bitch. Best he knows what he's dealing with upfront...right?

Anyway, the girls are back from exercising, so I'm heading up to chat with Denise. Yes, I blew off exercising yet again. After pulling my back leg muscle a couple of days ago, I'm just now flexable enough to stop limping, but crap! This is one thing I hate about getting older! I'm not as limber as I should be.

Until the next blog...

Cabo Time - October 23rd

2010-10-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well, my friend Denise's plane has just landed, so I'll go down to the lobby in about a half hour to greet her. I'm looking forward to their visit because it releases stress from being around the man. Although to be fair, he's been ok the last two days, but he drinks beer like it's mother's milk.

We'll kill some time around the beach until the condo is cleaned, then come back and do some cooking and some drinking. Since my friend Chris and her husband won't be here till sometime between 8 and 9 p.m. we'll have to hold off dinner. We're making bacon wrapped tuna in teriyaki and bbq sauce (Thanks Rog), cilantro infused mashed potatoes and salad. Of course, there's the awesome salsa and chips that seems to go with everything these days.

Now, I must make another committment to watch my cool, and to watch what I say. Certain things can not slip past my lips in front of the man. No, I've done nothing to be ashamed of or anything, but I don't need to rub salt in the wound either. We're separated, we're divorcing and nothing is changing that. Our lives are separate now and need to stay that way. If it wasn't for my stupid decision about this vacation, we'd still be apart. Vacation doesn't make a difference.

The maid just brought in a whole new mattress for my friends staying in the room with the two single beds. Now they'll have a king size bed to sleep on also. They are the greatest here. I love WorldMark! Not too hoity toity, clean, comfortable. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm glad I bought into timeshare. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but the man talked me into it, so we started out small, i.e. a week every two years. We ended up purchasing two weeks a year and it was paid for, then we heard Wyndham was purchasing Trendwest, so I'm not paying for two more weeks. That's why I'll end up with three weeks in the divorce, the man get's half of what is paid off, which is one week. Since I continue to pay for the additional weeks, they're mine.

Ah well, I know I sound callous and everything, but I do it for self-preservation purposes. For the longest time I never made plans that we would be apart, although I should have. Now that I'm actually doing it, it's real and there's no going back. I notice the man doesn't talk about it, so it isn't real to him. I tried on so many occasions to tell him this was coming, but he wouldn't listen. I even told him the signs he should be looking for. Still didn't listen. Now that it's here, he avoids the subject like the plague, unless I force the issue.

Ok, enough of that, One more week in Cabo, and I'd better make it good! Smooches my friends.

One of those nights....

2010-10-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's one of those nights where I'm alone with my thoughts and there's no alcohol to quiet the voices inside my head. NO...not the crazy voices, the other ones!

Our guests have gone home and we're waiting for the newest arrivals...on Saturday. And I realize how incredibly lonely I am. Yes, I've made my choices and I don't regret them, but I hate the loneliness of my choice. It's too quiet, and I don't have my kitties to cuddle with.

I can hear the Karaoke going on down in the restaurant, the crash of the waves, see the moonlight over the water and I know that I desperately want someone to hold my hand, and take me down to the water and kick the sand around. I want to dance under the moonlight and be that one special person, even for a moment, to the person that is holding me.

It was fun watching my friends Rog and Kell, cuz you could see magic in the way that they relate to one another. You know, when you look at Rog, that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for his Lady, and that she comes first. If you don't have that kind of relationship, when you see it, you're a little jealous, cuz you have proof that it exists and you know that you don't have it yourself.

Love isn't perfect...I know that. But when you are in the presence of it, you know when it's true. I don't know that I'll ever have that. What I have to be careful of is what I substitute for it.

I'm not a drug girl, but I do love tequila. Right now, I'm keeping that in check and have been pretty good on this trip. I don't want it to be food, because I've been battling that substitution for years, and with help, finally got a grip on it (for now). I'm thinking it's gonna be sex that I'm gonna have to be careful of. Sex and partners. For now, I'm fine, but what's it gonna be in 6 months? Am I the type of person that will have lots of sex with lots of partners so I won't be lonely? Hmmm...food for thought.

In the meantime, it'll be work. I have 3 projects going on that I'm gonna need to focus on. A divorce I need to complete, a home I need to build and a life I need to live. Thank God for good friends!

Better Day/s

2010-10-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Sunday) was an ok day. But after being effed over by the man's mind games, I was pissed off and it put me in a bad mood that was tough to extricate myself from. I have the greatest friends that put up with my shit, and I'm most appreciative. I pretty much avoid talking to the man now and try to avoid being alone with him unless we're sleeping.

Too bad it has to be this way, but lesson learned...we won't be vacationing together for a long time. If he thinks he'll get away with the same games with the other group, he's got another thing coming.

Today was a better day and we (the ladies) had fun lazing in the sun, drinking our Cabo punch and watching people by the pool. I pulled a muscle in my back though...don't think it was during the workout, I think it was after, but it's been steadily getting worse. I guess that means no more sex. Oh, wait, I'm not getting any sex, so no big loss. We did, however, discover the best Key Lime Pie West of the US border. OMG, it was good. I'm so glad I didn't have it when I first got here, or I'd be eating the damned thing every day and working out two hours a day to undo the damage. This stuff is "lick it off the 8 pack abs of LL Cool J, or Gerard Butler (during The 300 role) good!

I have to remember that it isn't the big things in life necessarily that make you happy. Sometimes it's Key Lime Pie.

Tomorrow, Rog and Kel leave to journey back home. I sure hope they had a good time, other than the effing drama that seems to surround me and the man. I really didn't want to ruin it for them, and I hope I didn't. I owe them so much. It comforting to have friends like them. They're a warm, fluffy blanket that you dig down into and close your eyes to escape the world. Did I tell you they bought me the most beautiful ring? It's a sliver band that is done in an link style. Gorgeous! They are so crazy, but I absolutely love it.

Anyway, me and my sore back are going to get some shuteye. I may actually slack off on working out tomorrow, if it still feels as bad. Gee...another day lazing in the warm Cabo sunshine. Thank you Lord.

More trouble in Paradise

2010-10-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

So yesterday started off like any other day in Cabo (Geez, I sound like a jaded bitch) and we had fun at the pool. Tina, Norm and I did some sunbathing and Rog and Kel went and had fun in the Jeep looking at cool properties in Los Cabos. Since we only had the Jeep for one more day, we decided to go back to Cabo San Lucas and hit Mangoes and the Office to see how things were and grab some appetizers. Afterward, we hit couple of other places and drove home.

We decided to take the party up to the bar at the top of the road from the resort, and they were playing some great music. I danced (Hello, it was ACDC with Bonn Scott, how could I not), then sat down. The soon-to-be-ex was acting all possessive, blocking me into a corner so everyone would know I was with him, calling me "Babe", etc (Remember what Pam Anderson did to men that called her "Babe" in her movie Barb Wire???). Any way, he leans over and asked me if it's too late to ask for dance. I'm thinking to myself, which I basically blurt out to him, Hell yes it's too late, you've lost all privilidges, which includes asking me to dance, touching me, calling me babe, etc. It's OVER! He says that we need to talk tomorrow, and I say, why put off what can be done right now? I throw money down on the table to cover my drink (ok, enough to cover everyone's) and head out the door. He joins me and we end up on the beach.

He basically says I'm giving him mixed messages, because I said that I would dance with him but he lost his chance. I told him that he was confusing the message. My stance hasn't changed. He lost his chance to dance with me when he broke his promise (due to drinking), busted his femur and ended the marriage. Where is the mixed message? Basically it's the same fight we've been having, all re-hashed. i'm not willing to go there. He chose his addiction over me, and I finally have enough self-worth to say I'm done. I have to believe that there is man out there that will want me for me and choose me over crap like alcohol or any other addiction. I'm worth that, and fuck you if you don't think I am.

I find it hard to believe that he's going to stick out the entire 4 weeks togther. Even after I told him it was a mistake on my part to think we could get along. I'll give him this...he's a glutton for punishment.

Don't get me wrong. This is my blog, and here is where I get to vent about his bullshit. He's basically a good man...faithful, kind-hearted, just a true-blue kind of guy. I can't live with his addiction because he allows it to interfere with our lives. He make shitty decisions that are influenced by alcohol and doesn't think about the future. I'm tired of living in a precarious position....wondering if we'll be able to retire and travel, wondering if he'll live and not drink his liver away, wondering if there will be any inheritance left for our kid. It's a shitty way to live, and for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you know what it's like to not sleep at night and feel insecure about everything. It's bad enough that I don't have strong arms to wrap around me, but now I have to feel insecure about the future? About retirement? About our home? I don't think so.

Now he's trying to play games on this trip and try to alienate me. He thinks if I'm left out of things that I'll sit around the Condo and pout. Sorry...he, of all people, should know that Dizzy doesn't sit around pouting for long. She get' down to getting busy, and you may not like the activity she finds to keep her occupied.

Ok...poison leeched and out of the system. Time for bed.

P.S. Got to connect with an old friend today, who re-located to Vegas. Looks like he's doing well and networking successfully for his career. Please keep good thoughts and prayers in mind for him as he continues on this journey. He's got the talent to make it.

October 14th in Cabo

2010-10-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my friend Teensy arrived to spend a week with all of us here in Cabo. Too Fun! We all headed down to Cabo San Lucas and parked the jeep and did a trek to Cabo Wabo to pick up the Sammy Hagar Birthday Bash bracelets for Rog and Kel. Then we went shopping for these skirts we wanted so badly. Unfortunately, after hunting around for an hour, we still couldnt locate the damned things, we gave up and went hunting for dinner.

That took some serious hiking. Up and down the roads, hot, dusty, etc. We were looking for this restaurant called Mi Casa. By the time we found it, all of us were pretty cranky and hot. But this place did not disappoint! They brought us huge margaritas (which makes everything seem alright) and we got down to the business of figuring out what to eat. I settled on the Ribs which were marinated in this chocolate, spicy mole sauce and cilantro mashed potatoes, black beans and these tortilla's, hand made by this woman working in the back. They were the bomb!

If you know me, you know that food is a sensual experience...something akin to sex. The way it tastes on the tongue, the way the right beverage will compliment the food. The flavors that bring a sensory experience to the eyes, nose, mouth and brain. And I don't know about the rest of you, but I always think about the ways I could eat whatever it is...off of the right body. Thereby bringing food and sex together in one great big explosion of....well, you know.

After that wonderful meal, we broke up the group and part of us headed down to the port for a nice cool drink. I ended up having a mango/chile margarita, that was a frozen delight! The perfect way to conclude an evening. We got a cab home, soaked in the jacuzzi for an hour and headed to bed.

One wishes every day could be like this, but hard times are ahead, which is why we vacation...right? To build up the mental fortitude we need to get us through them. So I'm going to enjoy this vacation as much as possible. Until later my friends.

Hola My Friends!!!

2010-10-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's took so long for me to write...even now,I have a few shots of tequila in my veins and my writing may not be the greatest. I suffered a setback with the man getting so toasted that he fell into a hedge full of stickers and suffered damage to his legs and one side of his body. I was so pissed that I had to suffer yet another vacation with his bullshit, that I ended up ripping him a new asshole the next night. No, it wasn't pretty, and yes, I broke my vow not to yell.

Needless to say, it re-affirmed my reasons for the divorce and I'm not backing out of it. It took me a while to shake it off and I didn't blog much during that time (it happened last Thursday night, and I ripped him one on Friday night....and now it's Tuesday night). I'm feeling better and more confident. I think I already mentioned the Army Ranger guy kissing me in the pool, which make me realize that life will go on with out the man, and that I may be slightly more attractive than I thought, so there's hope for me yet. I hate to say this, but the blog may turn into something along the lines of "Divorce Girl Makes Good" or something.

Not only that, Kelly (who's always been one of the thinest chicks I know, handed me her brown bikini and I fit in it. However, the twins need lifting, so I wasn't completely comfortable. The twins have been "D's" since I was sixteen and now that I'm 46...well, let's just say that they don't point to the sky, like I'd like them to. She also brought this tiedye black dress that she gave me to wear, and her husband said I "totally rocked it".

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, I've had doubts that I could make it on my own...that I'd be attractive enough for the opposite sex. I pretty much figured that ending the marriage would mean that I'd be alone, and I needed to face that and deal with it. However, it may be that I was wrong. Maybe, it's my own doubts and fears that I have to overcome and there may be someone out there that will appreciate my weirdness and quirks. They may be able to put up with my outspokenness and independence. What an effing concept!

As bad as this may sound, I'm happy that all of this went down and the man can see what he's giving up. While he really doesn't see it that way right now, someday...I'm hoping he'll say..."She was mine, she wanted me, I was her man...and I choose alcohol over her. What kind of idiot am I?" Will he? Maybe not, but I'm ok with that because I'm finally realizing my own self worth. And maybe, that's enough.

Good night from Cabo my friends!

Cabo - Just some thoughts

2010-10-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

As I wait for Rog and Kel to arrive, my head continuously churns with the thoughts of divorce, dating, etc.

When is a good time to start dating? Not that I'm really thinking about it, but I have received a few offers and a proposal (not marriage) that I'm seriously considering. At what point does this all begin? After the ink is dry on my divorce papers? Since we're separated now, and have been since the beginning of May, is 6 months a good time to start dipping my toes in?

While these are all interesting questions, I think I'm more paralyzed over the thought of sex. What will it be like with someone else? Is my body good enough? Have BJ techniques changed? Are there new techniques I should know about? Remember that line in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks is having lunch with his buddy? His buddy says "Tiaramisu" and Tom asks what it is? His buddy Rob Reiner says "You'll find out", and Tom replies "You won't tell me what it is? What if some girl wants me to do it to her?" I feel kinda like that.

You're used to a person for 24 years and suddenly the game changes and you don't have any idea what the next person is like, or what they want done to them, etc. I admit, I haven't had sex in a while, which is probably why it's on my mind so much.

What about small talk? Jeez, I haven't done small talk in so long. What line do I start out with? God help me if conversation turns political because I'm conservative, and that in itself will start some fights and heated arguements. Who's gonna want sex with me after I've verbally lashed them about America headed down the toilet unless Americans pull their heads out of their asses. What a cock-blocker!

Ok, enough swooning over the directness of my blog today. Nothing a couple of shots of good tequila and vegging on the beach won't cure, right?

I can tell this is gonna be a long trip....

2010-10-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Funny how all the old stuff rears it's ugly head when you're at odds with someone. It's no different in Cabo, believe me. We finally took possession of the room after 4 p.m. yesterday, and it was well worth the wait. Lovely views, sweet rooftop party place, we're happy.

The plan was to get our stuff moved in, get our shit together and go shopping. Mr. Procrastinator of course had the plans. He takes forever to do the simplest things. I'm waiting and waiting to leave. We finally do. I have to admit that while grocery shopping, it was also my fault that it took so long, but the stuff I purchased was relatively simple stuff. He's the one with the two cases of beer and stuff. We ended up splitting the bill (actually, I spent more) but something about contributing to the very thing thats ending our marriage rubs me raw. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm being a bit hypocritical since I haven't stopped drinking myself...I love tequila and can handle it. There was a time in our relationship that I stopped drinking for 4 years in hopes that he'd either quit or lighten the eff up, but it didn't work, so I resumed. Alcohol has never been my addiction...food is my addiction. Anyway, since I still drink and purchase alcohol for myself, does it make me hypocritical to purchase it for him, i.e. splitting the bill? I don't know, but it made me irritable. After that, everything bugged me.

We ended up getting rib eyes to bbq and I was cranky from lack of food in my stomach. I reminded him to check the steaks and suggested he take them off. He didn't and they were overcooked. I effing hate overcooked rib eyes. Next time, I'm going to insist on cooking my own...he'll act all hurt and everything, but he has a habit of walking away from the grill and getting caught up in something else.

God, I'm such an effing bitch. I think this whole relationship has poisoned me. I've got to change, or I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

Ok, I'm going back to enjoying Cabo. Tomorrow, our friends arrive and I'm looking forward to a break in the tension.

Cabo - Day 4....Early to bed?

2010-10-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty lite day as far as activities and stuff was concerned. I managed to start and finish a book...naughty, but I haven't sat down to read a book in more than a year. Heartbreaking, I know. I used to go through books like water. What the hell happened? Life gets in the way I guess.

Got through the exercising ok and pretty much laid back. Around 4, I got a hankering for chips, salsa, and guacamole with some kind of tequila drink, so we headed down to the sports bar for their two-fer. While munching away, we met a guy from Auburn, California and talked about the history of Auburn, etc. Pretty interesting. We also met people from Oregon (the man's neck of the woods) and chatted up about that. Small world.

Afterward, we headed to the beach and did a beach walk. So beautiful! The man managed to torque his knee, yet again and is limping today. Hope he didn't do too much damage. After a corona and lime on the deck, I pretty much headed to bed at 9 p.m. Jeez...what happened to the party animal that used to be up all night, whooping and hollering? Ah well. Up early again and got my exercise in. Now we've checked out of 521 and are waiting for the pinnicle of rooms 601 to be cleaned so we can move in. I do not want to move again. This is our third move, but the last and it will be well worth it. Alma, the Assistant Manager is the BOMB!!!

What to rant about in Cabo? Hmmm, it's difficult to come up with something, but I'm still pissed off about Sammy Hagar's computer system failure cheating me out of birthday bash tickets for the 13th. Guess I'll be standing in line for the dinner tickets, and their $100 a pop. Ah well. No matter what, I'm just happy to be away from almost everything. Still playing out my future in my mind, but at least there's a direction...an it's Citrus Heights.

Until tomorrow my friends. Tequila and a snooze on the beach beckons....

Cabo - Day Two and Three

2010-10-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we moved from the one bedroom to a three bedroom penthouse. Nice digs, we've stayed in it before. This time, however, I was able to wrangle the penthouse of penthouses...Unfortunately, we can't move in until tomorrow, but I'm tickled pink about it. I've tried to get into this one for 12 years, and finally...601 changes from dream to reality.

Last night, the man and I had a good talk about the future. He's decided that he wants the Forethill house, which means that I'll be moving to Citrus Heights. Am I upset about it? No. It's a prime piece of property and with a little work and money, it'll be a good home. I'll tear down the house that's on it, cuz Mom's aways hated it and put something else there. Also need to look into Granny quarters for Dad. Yes, I do see some issues in the future, but hopefully we can work those out. There's still the issue of why we're divorcing, and I somehow think that issue isn't going away anytime soon. This means that me, my job, etc will continue to be the scapegoat for awhile. Ah well.

Still haven't figured out the router issue, and it looks like I'l have to do my hijack option.

Don't hate me Bitches, but I'm sitting on a lounge chair, facing the ocean and typing this blog under a palapa. Can it get any better? If I could figure out a way to make a living doing something like this, I'd be gone in a second.The wireless Apple keyboard works like a freaking charm! It's extremely lite, a touch smaller than a regular keyboard (minus the keypad). And I love that I'm not trying to poke at the touchscreen. Totally awesome.

Managed to get in another workout today. That elliptical machine is taking some getting used to. I miss the stair machine, but I have the feeling this is what I needed to shake up my exercise routine. It's trying to get the rythmic flow and keep my knees bent. I look like a spastic zombie, but hey...I don't go to the gym to look beautiful (like that's possible...) I go to sweat!

Ok, Until tomorrow. I'll post again from the heights of Mount Olympus aka 601. Smooches my peeps.

Day 1 in Cabo

2010-10-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

After an interesting night last night, we began our journey with me leaving behind my iPhone stand...what a Moron. Ah well, I know I need a second one, so if I see one, I'll get it.

Traveling was ok. I didn't realize how close I cut it with the landing in Phoenix(11:30) to take off to Cabo (12:05). Needless to say, we had to hustle our asses to the next gate to make it. No worries, when vacation is on the line, somehow ya make it work, right?

I've been cordial and nice all day, but I can see that my work is going to be cut out for me. This is a man that doesn't want to let go. Although I did my best to distance myself, make my own decisions, carry my own luggage, pay my way, etc., he did his best to touch me, to sit closer, to make it seem like we're "together". This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

We checked in ok, but I realized my mistake in not making sure the man picked up a "travel/access point" router, because the Linksys router he did pick up requires a laptop to set up before I can get the damned iPhone to access it. So, when I'm done blogging, I'll be going into the lobby to see if I can hijack a desktop and get the darn thing dialed in. If that's the least of my worries, than I'm doing ok.

After a great dip in the pool and a much needed shower, we walked over to "Trader Dicks" for dinner. I have to say, for $15, I got the best freaking seafood Cobb Salad I've ever eaten!!! I had to bring half of it back to the room cuz this thing was one huge mound of fresh lettuce, tomato, avocado, bacon, blue cheese, egg, huge grilled planks of halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled calamari, and I don't know what else, but effing FABULOUS!!! I have to make sure to bring my friends when they arrive, because I think they'll enjoy it!

Tomorrow is all about wrangling room 601. It's so choice because of the roof access. We've never been able to get the room, but for once, we'd really like to get it this time. First I'll exercise, get some coffee, shower and head right to the front desk.

Not sure when I'm going to broach the topic of divorce with the man, but I assure you...I will not leave paradise until we've had our little converation.

Ok Peeps, I'm off to fix the router and then headed to bed. It'll be interesting to see how the night progresses. If it's anything like last night...I won't be getting much sleep (NO, there will be no hanky panicky...and there wasn't last night either! Divorce is divorce! That part of my life is over with the man.).

The Night Before.....

2010-09-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I've got my finger tips and ugly ET toes done...made beautiful by the awesome Jen...purchased the wireless keyboard (which allows me to type on my iMac and my iPhone) so I can keep up with my blogging while I'm away, and I've rearranged the suitcase. All said, Dizzy's ready to rock and roll!!!

I got to the other house early and Dad was watching television. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to him about the divorce, etc, since "The Man" wasn't here. I asked him if the man had talked to him about what was going on. He said "not at all", so I was blunt and just told him that I've asked the man for a divorce. I told him that I do still love them both, but I was unwilling to live all the issues that go into alcohol. He was actually quite gracious about the whole thing. He said that he totally understood where I was coming from and that I had to think about the future. He is worried about his son and the nature of his addiction. Anyway, it was a good conversation, and I'm glad we were able to discuss it.

Now I'm getting ready for sleep. My goal for this trip is to not loose my temper and to be clear and concise when we dialog about our future. I will not raise my voice and yell. Hey....stop laughing!!! Ok, I'll probably be laughing at myself in a week. We'll see.

Updates to come. Goodnight my friends.

Shhhh...the topic is Divorce...

2010-09-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Why is it, when I ask my divorced friends about divorce, it's suddenly a taboo topic. Are they still hurt and bleeding over it, and it's my bad for asking? I have questions and I want answers and no one seems to want to answer them. Such as:

Will I ever be able to look at my ex as something other than the man that ripped my heart out and stuffed it in alcohol?
Will we actually end up friends, or is this a pipe dream I've pulled out of my ass?
Will my divorce be easy, or are we going to rip each other to shreds over the crappiest of things like, oh...I don't know...stupid knickknacks I could care less about?
Will we survive a month on vacation together, or should I pack it in now?
Is he expecting sex? Cuz it ain't happenin!
Will I ever be attractive to the opposite sex?
Is there a big huge "D" on my forehead that everyone can see?
Will I ever get my self-worth back? Cuz a man choosing addiction over me, is pretty fucking damaging!
Will I change in the eyes of my kid over this?
Will I ever be held in someones arms and feel safe again?

I'm just saying...once this is all over, if someone asks me, I'm gonna tell them everything I felt so they'll be prepared. I just don't feel prepared over this. I think I'm a dreamer over what I'm expecting. I think the storm is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I call it the "Sarah Conner Syndrome". Ah, well...I'm going to bed. 2 more work days...one more prep day...and I'm off to Cabo for 30 days with the ex and friends. Pray for me. I'm worried about the stuff I can't anticipate.

Getting Gobbsmacked!

2010-08-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Today was not a good day. I knew there'd be shit coming down the pike, but effingA, really? We had a "retrospective" of the FSR process for a project that I'm working on. I'm the project manager, and it's my first FSR..I volunteered for it for the experience.

Well, the project gets started in late March, and the paper is due by the end of June. It's about technical crap that I know nothing about, so I rely heavily on the technical staff. Of course, the husband has his knee scoped in March, then busts the femur in 3 places April 2nd. I have to spend a week in Reno for his surgery, then have to adjust 2 weeks because he's not allowed any weight anywhere. This impacts my project paper schedule. Then Mom ends up in the hospital in May. Then the husband and I separate (cuz the jerk is driving when he isn't supposed to, and I can't babysit him as I'm the only one working, so I send him to Mommy), and Mom ends up back in the hospital in June and spends a week during which I get sideswipped in my car, and my Uncle dies. I spend 6 out of the 7 days there and am the only one with her when she draws her last breath. Then I'm funeral planning the rest of the week. I go in for 3 days and take another week off to deal with the funeral and relatives. Yes, the paper does get done, but I have no back up. So what happens today???

The second statement brought up is "The project manager is unavailable and no suitable backup". The facilitator says, in front of a room full of people, "I'd like to know the story behind this". I did not tell everyone about my personal issues. Now they're expecting me to talk about it or be rude and say that it's none of their business and put the facilitator on the spot (which I should've done). I state that although it's personal, this is what happened and give a rough overview. I'm seething. They want to know if the project sponsor is aware of all the details. I said no. My manager is aware of all the details, but it wasn't advertised on the inside net, and I didn't go into many details with everyone else. WTF!!! I manage to hold it together, but later break down when telling someone I'm thinking of avoiding Christmas and heading off to Nebraska.

Then I'm on the phone with one of the key players of the project and break down again. I've cried over my mother-in-law, but I really haven't let loose over the loss of her and my marriage, etc. I'm stretched very thin and am expecting to snap. I'm trying to hold out till vacation in October (which Sammy Hagar's website managed to shaft me on tickets to the birthday bash on the 13th), and just breathe, but it's not happening. By the time I run out of the building, I'm sobbing hysterically and continue to do so through most of the drive home. Now my "business" is out in a workplace of 6,000 people? Really? Was it really necessary for me to explain my absence, when I'm one of the most dedicated idiots around? Effing A, my whole month off in October is furlough hours. It's costing the state a mint of money, since I'm not using vacation. REALLY???

I'm sorry fellow readers that I'm so full of hostility, anger and hurt right now. I'm ranting, but this isn't really the kind of rants I want to do. But I am letting it out here, so please bear with me. Why am I not enough? Why does my husband finally push me over the edge? We were supposed to be married forever! I'm supposed to be more important than alcohol! But I am not enough. I gave him everything I had, and now I'm empty and I'm afraid that I wont have anything left to give anyone else. I put off marriage until 30 so I could make an informed decision. I gave up having children for him (alcohol killed the sperm)! And while the intelligent side of me know that half of this is my fault, I can't help but resent the shit out of him for the other half. I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed, although sleep will elude me yet again, as it has since March 20th.

Who would want this wreak, this shell of a person?

Where Am I?

2010-08-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

Good Lord, I don't know where I'm at. I have good days and bad days. Tonight is a bad night. I'm filled with doubts and misgivings. I've made my decisions and I'm headed for divorce, but the road sucks.

I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man. He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking. I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge. He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable. In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable. Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to believe he'd change for a family. I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now? I also ask him why? Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't? Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.

That's what scares me so. Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices. I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult year. I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband. How much more can I really take?

Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't. They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really? So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.

No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it. Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?

I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back. Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again? I don't know.

I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can. But what is the cost?

I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.

Life...Resumed

2010-07-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

What a rollercoaster ride...and it still isn't over. I can't seem to catch my breath with all the details, and stuff that needs to be handled. The following morning, after Mom passed, the Man and I got up and made our journey to Chapel of the Hills to set the funeral steps in motion.

I'd already been warned that funeral homes can be a "tough sell" and prey on people who are emotionally drained. I was ready. If they wanted to "eff" with me, they were going to be in for a big surprise because I wasn't taking crap from ANYONE! What a relief to be met by a pleasant woman named Kate. She instantly put us at ease and asked the right questions. When it came time to pick a casket, she took us to a moderate sided room and waved at one wall and said this is the least expensive and if work your way around the room in this direction (sweeping left) it gets more expensive. You can choose a package deal, or we can piece it together to see what comes out cost effective for you. I waited. I knew she was going to let us have it with the "Your Mom would want the most expensive casket" speech. She just stared back at me. I asked her "So we just start here?" and she replied "Yes". Then went on to say, "if you don't mind, I have a couple of phone calls to make. Why don't you take your time, discuss your options together and when you're ready, meet me in the conference room and we'll pull it all together". Huh? In a way, I was let down, cuz I really wanted to blow off some steam and she would've been the perfect victim, but she was depriving me of that release by being so damned nice.

She left, and we chose a casket called the "Meridian", a beautiful wooden dark cherry casket that looked rich in color but not too bad on the pocket book. We went back to the conference room and told her our choice and proceeded with the rest of the arrangements. However, we still had to purchase a plot, so we made our appointment with the Auburn Cemetary. All in all, the whole process could've been so much worse than it was (i.e. still is, because I'm not done).

People have been pretty cool about the whole thing, except for this jerk I work with. I went to work for 3 half days, and she proceeded to block me into my cubicle and drill me about Mom. How are things, how is she, etc..when this woman doesn't have two words for me any other time. I told her "Mom's dead", to which she replies, "Oh well you must not have been close if you're here and not crying". I wanted to kick her ass 6 ways from Sunday! I said, "Yes, we were close but the funeral isn't till next week and I have a couple of things to take care of here. What do you want?" She starts talking about her Dad's death, and I told her, "Look...I don't want to talk about this stuff, or I'll start crying, so either talk about work, or go away". WTF??? Some people are so obtuse.

Anyway, I'll blog again soon. Gotta get back to the family stuff.

Life...Interrupted

2010-06-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

As I was working on the prior post, I noticed a change in Mom's breathing. It happened so quickly, and then it was also slow motion. I'll save you the description except to say, it's so much different when it's someone you love struggling during those last breaths. Your chest hurts because you want to breathe for them and your throat constricts because you're feeling their lack of air. And all of the sudden...you can hear the air escape in a long fluid push and then silence. I put my hand on her chest and her heart wasn't struggling like it used to. I shook her.."Mom, mom wake up". But she didn't. I knew but all the thoughts race through your head. A million thoughts race through your head and you struggle to grab onto just one. The one I finally grabbed was, call a nurse. So I did.

The nurse called the doctor, and as I waited for them to call the time of death, I called the Man. I told him Mom was gone and I apologized that I didn't call him sooner so he could be with her. But truthfully, there just wasn't time. I'm not sure she wanted to die with just me with her, but she did know that I would take care of her. The doctor called the time of death as 12:30 a.m., but she really did leave at Midnight.

While I was sitting with her, waiting, every so often she would expel air, and I would think that I was wrong and that she was still alive...even though I knew she wasn't. The Man arrived and we sat with her till about 2 a.m. Signed papers, gathered her belongings, gave a final kiss and left. Even now I think it is a quiet exit for a woman that lived such a large life.

The Decision

2010-06-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

So the doctor visited us this morning and basically said that Mom would not be going home. The carbon dioxide levels in her blood are high, etc. The doctor said to give it one more day then, if the results are the same to opt for "Comfort Care". After discussion between the three of us, we opted for "Comfort Care" and decided to start immediately.

CC is when they stop all the prescriptions, etc and basically make sure Mom is comfortable for the time she has left. She's on a morphine drip and is no longer moaning, tossing, etc. She's comfortable and sleeping. It's weird being confronted with the decision, and although you know it's the right one, there's always someones eyes that make you re-think it. A family friend came today and Dad had me explain the decision and to make sure she understood that Mom is dying. The friend kept saying things like, "she'll get better", etc. When talking to Mom, she'd say, "Open your eyes. Who am I? Recognize me. You're going to get better, etc." It was like laying on a bunch of guilt

What Do You Do?

2010-06-22T06:02:00.001-07:00

When modern medicine only prolongs someones agony and doesn't allow them to die peacefully? Mom needs to go home. She's not happy here. She doesn't sleep at night, moans, groans, talks incoherently and pulls at everything. What I feared is coming to pass.

I've already managed to piss her off, and now she says that she never imagined that I could be so sneaky. She had a death grip on both of my hands and was begging me for water. I had to losen her hands so I could pour fresh cold water from the pitcher into the cup. As I'm losening her hands she's fighting me saying that I'm going to leave. I assure her I'm not...but it becomes a struggle. Do I losen her hands and ignore the water plea? Water wins out as it's so vital for her, but prying her hands lose has pissed her off. And so it goes, all night long.

For the second nite in a row, they want to give her Ambien to sleep when the doctor clearly said that it wasn't good for her age and condition. The first night he admitted he forgot to change the order. What's the excuse for the second nite? I don't know. I'm thankful that I did a stint as a CNA as it's helped me to turn her in bed and change sheets, etc. All the old tricks come back. But I gotta tell ya 6 days have taken it's toll on me. 5 of those nights have been mine, only one of the five shared. I bit the head off the lady at the card store when I purchased fathers day cards the Dad and Norm. Part of it was stress and the other resentment that I was doing this and no one from his side of the family...including him, wished me a happy mothers day. I gotta suck it up and get over it, but with all the events of the past 7 months, it's been hard to do.

Back to work... Mom's trying to escape from her gown, yet again.
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The Art of Dying

2010-06-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's 5 a.m. and it's been another long, restless night for Mom Trafton. In a hospital chock full of doctors and nurses, state of the art equipment, round the clock care and a willing daughter, there's nothing to stave off the long arduous process of dying.

Although it's different for everyone, for Mom it means a lot of moaning, groaning, aches, pains and irritations. It means not eating or drinking and generally, checking out of the daily process. It also means precious moments of clarity, a smidgen of laughter and tons of feeling hopeless.

As I was trying to find mom a comfortable spot and asking her for the umteenth time "Mom, where does it hurt?" she looks into my eyes sweetly and says "Me". Although I smile back at her, I know that I can't help her if all of her hurts. Am I even helping at all? She's snoozing now and believe it or not, the skill you learn as a parent kicks in... You know, when your baby sleeps, you sleep"...so I'm gonna catch me a few moments while I can, but even with that comes guilt, because you know you're gonna sleep thru the moment when she wakes up and starts tearing everything off of her, monitor connections, wrist bands, oxygen, clothes and the nurses will come in and you feel like the worst daughter in the world cuz you didn't stop her in time.

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WTF...No Rant???

2010-03-26T16:06:00.001-07:00

There's so many things to rant about these days…The direction of our Government, the passage of the Health Care Bill (I'm for reform, but I'd like to know what's in the bill before it's actually passed..wouldn't you?), that Bastard Jesse James cheating on my girl Sandra Bullock (there's an idiot that would trade prime rib for hamburger ground from the oldest cow that expired from disease…), The continuing saga of Tiger Woods, The ongoing Furlough arguments in California, The husband in the doghouse, etc. But today, I say we take a break from the ranting and sniff the roses.

Yes my Peeps, the sweet roses of Freedom!!! I will be off of work until next Thursday, as I am posting some "furlough" and we have Caesar Chavez day off at work (don't start me ranting about that one please!!!). The man is going with his "manly friends" to ride Quads in the sand (well, due to his knee surgery, he won't be riding, he'll be the designated cook) during spring break and that leaves me alone with my kitties and hair straightening process for at least 4 to 5 days? OMG…how long has it been since I've had the house to myself?

We bought our home in 91, and for the most part, of almost 20 years, we've had people living in the house with us longer than it just being the two of us. My brother, My Mother, My Sister, the Boy (we don't count him though cuz he's ours!), His Mom. Just when we breathe a sigh of relief…here comes someone ready to move back in. I usually work a 4 day, 10 hour shift so I would have my Mondays with just me in the house, doing housework, vacuuming naked, etc. That hasn't happened in a long time. I miss those days when I could enjoy the stillness, sip my coffee, go out on the deck and smell the pine. It was my day to do what I wanted.

Freedom is back and I can't wait! Everything has been so heavy since last July, with the project implementation, the death of my mentor, death of two friends, two parents with hospital stays, husbands knee surgery, kitty's pancreatitis, etc. I need to feel the stillness again. Dizzy needs to be in touch with herself (nasty peeps...I didn't say touch myself…although….). I'm gonna make my espresso, read a book, watch trashie Girlie flix on the boob tube, drink with my BFF. Ah….all is right in Dizzyland. And so my friends, I hope your weekend is as enjoyable as mine will be (knocking on wood aka head).

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Hope and Change

2010-03-05T11:48:00.001-08:00

What is this whole direction of people saying they want "Hope and Change"? What exactly does that mean? Why are those two words so overly used right now?

Question - How do you feel about the economy? Answer – I'm looking for hope and change.
Question – Why are you out here protesting (regarding increased tuition in CA colleges)? Answer – Because we need hope and change.
Question – What are you looking for in a President? Answer – I want my President to bring hope and change.
President while campaigning…"I will bring hope and change".

Really People??? REALLY? I don't know about all of you, but when did it become the responsibility of the government, the President, your parents, etc. to bring hope and change? Isn't that really something that only you can bring? Doesn't your mindset and attitude have to be in the right frame in order for you to recognize hope and take action for change? Our system of democracy in the United States was built upon people who made change for themselves. They dared to hope for a different system of government and knew that the only way to get it was to change it. When did this "can do" attitude die?

We had an instance where a couple was at the obstetrician and was paying their bill. A lady was there and noticing them paying and told them "only suckers pay the bill when the government will pay it for you". I've no doubt in my mind that she's a "hope and change" person. But the couple was stunned because they know that it isn't the government paying this lady's bill…it was them, us, i.e. the taxpayers. Where's this lady's sense of pride and accomplishment in being able to provide for herself? Worse…she's going to teach this same mentality to her baby, thereby creating another generation of snotty, instant gratification, give me…feed me…love me..bring me hope and change, whimpy-assed social leeches!

Don't like what I'm saying? Suck it up people! I bring my own hope and change. If life and luck bring me lemons, as corny as it sounds, it's up to me to make lemonade, not for my government to provide me lemonade. You never know…one day, the government provided lemonade may be substituted with a Jim Jones Kool-Aid Cocktail and then you won't have to worry about it anymore

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News Media in Today's World

2010-02-24T07:39:00.001-08:00

How do you feel about today's News Media? Do you trust what you hear? Do they tell you everything and trust that you, as the adult hearing it, can make up your own mind?

I, for one, cannot stomach the unrelenting diatribe that I hear on my local and world news. I'm consistently being fed what they want me to hear, and not the full picture, i.e. not all sides. I ask you…People..how many times can you listen to the Tiger Woods stuff and the endless line of women that are coming out of the woodwork? I don't want to know this crap. This is not news! But I'm being force fed these endless interviews until I shut the news off, so I don't see any of it. And really, what is the point of watching anymore? At least I can surf the web and get opposing sides of the stories and make up my own mind.

No, I'm not stupid enough to believe everything I read on the web….but at least the web offers me a choice. It's getting to the point that we, the people, are being ridiculed if we don't agree with what we're being fed.

Rachel Maddow appeared on David Letterman and proceeded with the following quote on global warming (she forgot to use the new buzz words "climate change") QUOTE - "I think global warming, it probably means extreme weather of all kinds". Really Rachel? Really? You THINK it PROBABLY MEANS? That's a freaking "I don't know" if I've ever heard one… Science has shown that our global temperature has held steady for the past 8 to 10 years and in the grand scheme of our planets lifecycle (thousands of years), we're currently more than 5 degrees cooler than we have been.

Let's stick with the first part of that sentence. If global temperatures have held steady…despite Countries like China ramping up their CO2 output….then this negates the argument held by Gore that we're responsible for Global Warming….so I guess Al needed to find a way to keep us all on the bandwagon and changed the name from "Global Warming" to "Climate Change". Cuz let's face it folks, Climate Change can apply to just about anything! Snow Storms on the East Coast??? Must be Climate Change. No rain in Southern California??? Must be Climate Change. And who force feeds us this pablum and expects us to swallow it all??? The Media.

Don't get me wrong…I believe that each of us has a responsibility to our environment and to our fellow man to keep our planet as clean and healthy as possible. I'm not a green freak, and never will be. But, I do recycle, I do watch my electricity consumption, I watch my gas consumption (well, basically I watch my Durango suck gas like there's no tomorrow cuz I'm a commuter but I do try to carpool when I can), I pick up trash and don't litter, etc. But I am not going to shove my agenda on others, or be a Green Cop out to crusade against all the evildoers for their horrible use of plastic. I just don't want the media to shove this crap down my throat. Is it too much to ask that they report local news or world news without bias? Geez, what a concept!

Sorry Peeps…I forgot to breathe. Don't forget…"Political Correctness is just Tyranny..with manners".

Award Show Rant

2010-02-02T16:21:00.001-08:00

What's with the Award Shows? I'm getting extremely tired of them. I actually don't prefer to watch them…the Man is a reality TV whore. I think this fits in the same category. You could exchange one celebrity for another and not have any difference (with the exception of Robert Downey Jr….You never know what he's gonna say or do, and I like it that way). They all stand up and thank God, their parents, the cast and beg you to donate money to Haiti. Or they push their political agenda on you because they're hoping their seeds will germinate in the minds of mushy, insipid lemmings and, being the fanatics that they hope you are, will vote their bidding. YAWN!!!

Wouldn't it be a freaking hoot if just one of them went off the deep end and started spouting crap about world domination? Or thanking their partner for being so supportive of their sex change operation? Or even while others are pleading with you to donate to Haiti, have the guts to say something like "while it's important to remember those in need in Haiti, please remember all the starving American children that we can also help to feed and donate to your local food kitchens". Oh, but hey…you can't be different in celebrity land, can you? BITE ME!

I'm to the point that I only watch to see what people are wearing (when the Man aka Husband forces me to watch with him)…and even then, I'm disappointed. The only shining moment for me was the Grammy's and Pink's performance. Totally Hot, and totally different!

Why is our society so totally celebrity driven? Why must we always know the latest, i.e. Spears goes off the deep end and beats Lohan to a bloody pulp? Ok, that I might have to read about, but you get what I'm saying. Even our President is vying for top celebrity honors with no concern about what it will do to his credibility. Next thing we know, to push up his numbers, he'll be judging the Miss America Pageant, and Americans will eat it up! When did High School mentality take over? I, for one, was totally happy to graduate high school and get away from the cliques, the gossip, the crap that we all put up with and contributed our share to.

I was happy to go out into the world and discover myself, find my power and use it. Only to have the whole popularity contest come back with a vengeance and smack me upside the head. I'm looking for the answers, but I just don't seem to have them, except to recognize the death of common sense in America. Despite my rant, consider me bitch-slapped by Hollywood and the Media. They're the ones that seem to be driving this boat after all.

Meg "Witless" Whitman

2009-11-24T13:31:00.001-08:00

Why would someone vote for a person like Meg Whitman, when she doesn't believe enough in the democratic process to vote...then expects the same process to work in her favor for Governor.

I want a candidate who believes and loves democracy, who loves California, who believes their vote (and mine) is precious AND will tackle the tough issues facing our great State. The GOP should be ALL about the voting process and endorse a candidate who believes in it. It doesn't matter if Meg Whitman is SAYING all the right things…her example proves otherwise. My fellow Californians...Is this really too much to ask?

And as for her excuse of "putting her family first" (because we all know CEOs make family their top priority), next time...take your family with you, experience the democratic process together, and teach by example your future voters of America.

We need to take back our State! We need to expect more from our candidates...after all, they are supposed to be a representation of us...the people of California...the people of the United States of America. We can do better! We MUST do better! To do otherwise is to let our great State and our great Nation slip into anarchy.

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2009-08-04T10:12:00.001-07:00

I need to get off my sorry butt and update this blog!!!

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An enjoyable weekend.

2009-06-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

A self portrait. Everyone says that I take pictures of other and never myself (gee, wonder why?) so here you go....

Brother and sister sharing a moment. I love shots like these and I think that one day, they'll love them too.

My SerenieBeanie having fun.

I met my Girlies and we said our final goodbye to our favorite Tea house...which is closing. While we ate some delightful stuff, I'm sure going to miss our fun times here!

My beautiful niece came for the weekend and I couldn't resist taking her picture while she slept. I'm always awed by her beauty and her brain!

Simple Economy Fix!

2009-06-04T08:23:00.001-07:00

Thought ya'll might like this....

This is from an article in the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the
Economy?"

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead
of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You Can
call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.
- Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the
following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto
Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their
constituents pay their taxes...

Warped Survey...

2009-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My Hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Lavender

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Oh yes...never regret kisses.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Naw, I'm a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl..and often look like it.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Weird. It's hard to breathe deep and I had a rough day.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
My Nail Tips

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Believe it or not, last night I had a dream that I was slow dancing with Matthew McConaughey and we were nose tip to nose tip. He wanted to kiss me, and I kept burying my face in his neck. What the hell was I thinking???

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Not face to face.

9. What are you craving right now?
To feel better.

10. Do you floss?
Absolutely!

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Corned Beef...always the carnivore.

12. Are you emotional?
I can usually pick and choose.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes, but not lately.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Both. I stab it and mix it around. Sometimes I use a fork.

15. Do you like your hair?
It's ok...a little dry.

16. Do you like yourself?
Most of the time.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Absolutely. Although he might not have been our best President, I will always be thankful for his calm after 9-11.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The TV in the other room and the tapping of my fingers.

19. Are your parents strict?
They were, in the Jehovah's Witness phase. I was always self-sufficient though.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Is this summer soon enough?

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes, but only in very small amounts.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes. I do live in California. I've met a few.

23. Do you rent movies often?
No. We have lots of movies. And there never seems to be enough time.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
The ring on my finger is doing a fine job.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Four.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Of course.

27. Ever been on a train?
Not to get from point A to point B....but I'll never forget the ride.

28. Brown or white eggs?
I prefer brown, but eat both

29.Do you have a cell phone?
Yes, but soon it will be the 32GB iPhone.

30. Do you use chapstick?
No, but I do use Lip balm.

31. Do you own a gun?
Hell yes. A Sig 40.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yes.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Husband and the boy.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Not anymore.

35. Ever been in love?
Oh yea.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Yea.

38. Last time you cried?
An hour ago.

39. What was the last question you asked?
Would you sign this for me hun?

40. Favorite time of the year?
That's too difficult. I like all the seasons in their turn.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope

42. Are you sarcastic?
Eff yea...and if you don't like it...Suck it! I need to drink some more of my margarita...sorry ladies.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Is that a sex move?

44. Have you ever walked into a wall?
walls, doors, other people...

45. Favorite color?
Black and red

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Oh yea.

47. Is your hair curly?
Kinky curly...I chemically straighten it.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Velvet Revolver

49. Do looks matter?
Not anymore.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I used to say no. But as I get older, I realize that I'm losing my sense of black and white. That there are grey areas and maybe I shouldn't judge.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
It's fair.

52. Do you like your life right now?
Most of it. And it's getting better every day.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Not if I can help it. I compromise and leave it on during the weekends for the husband.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Yes. It doesn't mean I like to, but I don't have issues with it.

55. Do you have good vision?
Hell yes...laser eye surgery will do that for ya.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Every day, although I try not to.

58. The last person you held hands with?
I think it was my niece.

59. What are you wearing?
Sweat pants, tee shirt.

60. What are your favorite top 3 animals?
My Calico Kitties. Lions and Deer (I take it the question is NOT 3 favorite animals to eat).

61. Where was your default picture taken?
Home.

62. Can you hula hoop?
Yes

63. Do you have a job?
Yes.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Prenatal vitamins for my hair.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Oh yea. Who hasn't?

Wag the Dog..

2009-05-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

Old news, but still interesting….

How does the President lose a plane? It seems the only answer we’re going to get is “It was a mistake. It won’t happen again.” The question is…why did it happen in the first place? I don’t recall any other President misplacing his plane. I recall a few Presidents misplacing their morals, and one misplacing a cigar…but a plane that is owned by the taxpayers of this Nation? Why isn’t there any honesty about the whole situation?

To make it seem like our President was unaware that his plane was flying low around Ground Zero is pathetic. If our President doesn’t know this…what else doesn’t he know? If he did know, how could he sanction the flight at the expense of taxpayer funds for a media blitz? Either way, doesn’t this kind of make our President look like a dumbass? He’s damned if he does or doesn’t know, therefore a smart advisor would tell him not to put himself in this situation. Even making some lackey your fall guy doesn’t do you any favors Mr. President. To say you didn’t know about it, is like saying you didn’t know Reverend Joseph Lowery was going to use a racist prayer in your inauguration program.

The sad thing is, you are counting on the American people being nose-led by the media, and so far it’s working. Far better to capitalize on a fictitious wannabe pandemic like Swine flu to get the attention off your plane mishaps and on to other things. Your sycophantic media is wagging the dog, and has been for some time. Couple that with the death of common sense in America and you have a fertile ground to plant whatever seeds of destruction you so choose, with no one to blame but the American people themselves.

Now we have the President joking at the Washington DC's Correspondents Dinner about "Sasha and Melia being grounded for taking Air Force One on a joyride to New York City". Why is this funny? I don't think it is.

This American isn’t being wagged. This American would like an explanation please.

Happy Easter!!!

2009-04-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a Fantabulous weekend. I got to have Beanie for the weekend, so we celebrated our Easter dinner on Saturday. It was so great to have the boy, my Niece, Mom, Mom and Dad in law, etc. I haven't seen the Beanster since Christmas and she's grown so much. She's quite the reader and extremely smart. Am I lucky or what?

We were playing at the park and I shot this picture.

We took a walk to the pond and hiked around it. Beanie wanted a piggy back ride home and brother wouldn't do it...so I (SuperWoman) piggybacked her up a big hill and back home (little over a mile). Man, it felt so good to know I was strong and fit enough.

"Look Auntie...I found another one!!!"

Brother helping Beanie down from the Monkey bars!

Brother and Beanie walking along the pond path.

Will You Dance with Me?

2009-03-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me one of those poem/friendship chain letters called "Will you dance with me" and it talks about doing what you should do vs. what you want to do, and how short life is and not to wait till tomorrow to see friends, have fun, eat ice cream, etc. Otherwise something could happen and you might not have the chance again.

I actually learned this lesson the hard way......

On a weekend, almost a year ago, my beautiful Niece Serene was visiting and it was raining. She said "let's go walk in the rain Auntie, and I, being the responsible Auntie said that it wasn't a good time and that I didn't want her to get sick being out in the cold. After I took her home from our weekend visit, I thought a lot about her request. I love to walk in the rain...why didn't I take her? I passed up the most incredible moment I could've shared with her and I was kicking myself.

Now, I don't get to see her much anymore because her mother uses her like a weapon. I always think back on that moment when I let something precious slip through my fingers and I get a huge pang of regret and I feel physically sick and I cry...just like I'm doing now, while writing this. I desperately want to turn the clock back to get that moment and instead I have this lesson that hurts. I don't have a lot of regrets when it comes to my life, but for some reason, that moment will be with me until the day I die.

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance" Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

Because I will be.

Food for Thought....

2009-03-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the END of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

~~~~~ Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931

Trying to get it together...,.

2009-03-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been quite irregular about posting to the Diz Rant blog. It's been hard for me to juggle my time and blogs. When you have more than one, it's quite a pain. Thanks to some people out in Google world, I've been able to link the Blogspot blog to my website, Dizbizz.com...which is a good thing. It means that I only have to update one for both sites to be covered. Ahhh...sweet relief. This solves some logistical issues for me, so Diz is a happy camper.

It's also been a nice weekend. Rog and Kel had us over for Taco's last night. Although I had a shot of tequila too many, it was a blast...as usual. They are total family, which is why I didn't have a problem exposing my brassiere in front of their son. He's like my kid, so it wasn't a sexual thang. It was more of an "In your face" kind of thing... Probably shouldn't have done it, Poor guy...scarred for life...seeing Aunt Diz's saggy boobs, although my bra provides total coverage. Ok Kel...if he needs Psych help, I'll pay for it. He's a great kid though. Rog and Kel are great parents.

He made a comment about me being the coolest person he knows. It's so funny because I only hang with awesome people. His parents are the greatest. I know that he knows that, deep down. But I'm only cool because the coolness of his parents rub off on me...know what I mean? I can be who I want to be when I'm around them. It's so nice to have family like that. I know that if my son ever needs them that they'll be there for him and vice versa.

Here's a couple of pics....

Kel showing she can "Kick em back" like a pro!

Having fun around the computer...what naughty pictures are they looking at???

Of all the Frakkin......

2009-03-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

I know we’ve all been there..right? You get ready to work out….you put on the right clothes, socks, shoes, etc. You muster up the gumption of getting your butt into gear because you really don’t like to exercise (you do after you get into it, but we all know the first 5 minutes are hell) and there are a million other things you could do instead (check email, Facebook, update blog, eat…eat…eat) but you’re on a mission. You know summer is coming and you want to get into those original Board Skirts (made in California) that you purchased in a size ? for incentive….

Ah, there I am…looking HOT, wearing my board skirt…all the guys are looking my way, got my Vans and Wayfarers on…Hellooooo Diz. OMG, it’s Dwayne “ The Rock” Johnson, looking like the ultimate meat popsicle eye candy that he is…and he wants ME!!! Can this dream get any better??? Late night dinner, licking desert off his rock hard chiseled body, mind-blowing sex for the next 48 hours…oh wait…I am dreaming and I digress…

Ok, where was I??? Oh yea, working out. So you finally get your sorry butt out on your StairMaster, crank up the tunes and yea…YOU ARE IN THE ZONE! Muscles are flowing, legs are pumping, heart rate is good, the tunes are rockin’ and helping you keep your steps rhythmic. And then….your iPod craps out and you’re only 6 minutes into the routine. You still have another 34 minutes to go with NO MUSIC!!! Can there be a greater hell? My eyes glance to my board skirts, hanging where they’ll provide the most inspiration. Alright, you frakking MFers, INSPIRE ME, my mind screams. And, like manna from heaven, they do! They transport me to the Dean Roland dream (Dean Roland of Collective Soul???..Picture below…) where he’s licking desert off of my body, etc., but first he has to strip off the awesome board skirts that I can fit into…wait, it’s easy for him because THEY’RE TOO BIG! And before you know it…the exercise is over, and I can go back to cursing my iPod for crapping out on me.

To give my iPod it’s due…I’ve had it since 03, and it was a matter of time before the battery finally crapped out on me. It doesn’t hold a charge anymore. So I have to figure out how to replace the battery, or…get a new iPod. My dilemma?? I’ve been waiting 2 years for an iPhone with at least 32 gigs, and with Apple’s announcement yesterday of the new OS3 for iPhone/iTouch and the new options and apps, I know it’s coming…and gonna cost me a pretty penny. With the economy being the way it is, I can’t afford to do both. Shhhhhhh..don’t tell the man, but I’ve snagged his for now and as long as he doesn’t figure it out…I’ll use that one. Teehee.

Palin Rap

2008-10-21T21:27:00.001-07:00

If you watched Saturday Night Live last weekend, you would’ve seen Amy Poehler do the “Palin Rap”. OMG...this is so damned funny. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Democrat or Republican...if Sarah can laugh at this...so can you!

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/

Talk about Talent

2008-10-06T00:32:00.001-07:00

I wanted you all to the the artwork of Kimber. This girl has so much talent, it makes me insanely jealous. It's fitting that I post this picture, because my soul needs it right now. Beauty heals the heart, and this girl knows beauty. Thanks for sharing and allowing me to share it.

Prepping the house for Bunko!

2008-09-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

So it’s my turn to host Bunko for the month of October. If you know anything about me, you’d know that housekeeping is a dirty word to me. I’d rather work outside, or get greasy working on the cars, etc. It’s worse than the “C” word in my humble opinion, so from here on out, we’ll just refer to it as the “H” word.

I’m doing the “H” word around the house to prepare for this auspicious occasion. I’ve had a number of people offer to bail me out, i.e. I host at their home, which I may do in the future, but I felt this would be a good motivator for me to get off my tushie and do what needs to be done.

After looking at all the other ladies homes, mine doesn’t quite measure up. They have these huge homes and very nicely decorated, while I have a small home and I’ve decorated like a bachelor pad. Not my thing. Diz don’t do froufrou flowers and pretty house decorations. What is a he/she like me supposed to do? Not only that, since our home is small, I’m trying to figure out where I’m putting 3 bunko tables for these ladies to sit. I think this means that I’m going to do some temporary furniture re-arranging. This means that I’m going to have open spots on the carpet that shows where the furniture was. Good Lord….What the hell did I bite off?

The nice thing is that these chicks are pretty cool about life in general, so I think they’ll take my humble abode in stride and work with it. Besides…if I get them all drunk, they won’t see the tiny details…right? Will they notice the horrible stains on the seafoam green carpet that I hope to yank up and replace? And who the hell in their right mind would put a seafoam green carpet in a house located in red clay dirt? Certainly not me! Ah well, gotta suck this one up. Hey…maybe I can hire a housecleaner to come and take care of it for me?

"Still Bad, Still Hot Enough To Get Away With It!"

2008-09-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

Do you love this card...or what??? My heading is the verbiage in the card. I tell ya, I have some seriously wack friends...and I wouldn't have it any other way! Today we went out to lunch to celebrate Kimmy Lou's and my birthdays. What fun! We scarfed down on Mexican food from Celia's, laughed and cried. Teensy and Al gave me this cool, beautiful tea set. It's totally me with butterflies and flowers, but NOT too froufrou! And Kimmy Lou...she have me a picture of my SerenieBeanie in a beautiful frame. It's on my desk, but I took a picture of it with my phone. I cried. Couldn't help it. I would die for these Ladies!

The Women

2008-09-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

So I got together to see “The Women” with some fun chicks. I only found out today that it’s a remake and was just shown on TMC the other day…damn the bad luck for missing it.

I loved the movie, although I think it’s more a chick-flick than anything else. I have to say that the actresses chosen for the characters fit them well. I also have to say that it was so nice to see Jada Pinket-Smith in an unusual role. She played it to perfection. I love Annette Benning, more than Meg Ryan, although she seemed to suit her role, but Annette is in a class by herself. She dresses up and dresses down well.

I left the movie thinking about my girlfriends and how lucky I am to have them in my life. The unusual thing is that I have about eight to ten really tight girlfriends that I admire and love. How lucky is that? If you have one or two, you’re doing good. And although there is a couple at the top of the list, to have a list at all is pretty rare.

Yea, I piss and moan about the bad things going on, and I usually have some serious family issues pressing down, but how lucky am I to have good friends to lean on. To know that I can pick up the phone and they’ll listen to me, help me out, help me hide the bodies, provide an alibi, etc.

Ya know, I think I’m going to plan an evening honoring the wonderful women in my life and invite them all for some fun, food, alcohol and gossip. This means I’ll have to clean my house again…Uhhgg.

Birthday Blues

2008-09-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the birthday of one of the most beautiful, intelligent, fun, women of the universe...as I know it. A flash of this girls eyes sends me over the moon. To me, there can be no finer woman on the face of the earth. Don't get me wrong, there are some that come damned close, but not as close as this one....

Yes, it's my Serenie Beanie's 6th birthday. I won't be able to spend it with her, as her Mother is in one of those "using children as pawns" modes. My heart is breaking. I was mailing her package to her and the post office lady sees the address and says "this address is close, how come you just don't take it over there?" Reasonable question, difficult to answer. I broke into tears and had the poor woman thinking it was all her fault.

This is one of those times that life isn't fair and you have to suck it up. But as long as she's happy and having fun at school, as long as she is unaware of what is going on, as long as her heart knows that I love her, then I can be ok.

So for all of you awesome Aunties out there, go hug your nieces and tell them how much you love them for me. Look into their eyes and tell them that you'll be there for them No matter what! Breathe them in and enjoy the scent of life with them in it.

Happy 6th Birthday my dearest angel. Your Auntie always loves you!

"If it looks like trouble...Count me in"

2008-09-03T19:11:00.001-07:00

The title is a quote from the card....

So our buds call up and ask if we want to BBQ and stay the night last weekend. It was actually a pre-birthday celebration…woohoo! I got to walk around with scallop shells on my boobs…ok, it was a scallop shell bra. Kel wore the coconut shell bra…oooohhh la la. Kel and Rog spoiled me (they always do) with chocolate cake, my very own bottle of Patron Anejo Tequila, an earring and necklace set (beautiful and totally me) and a sweet card (see pic below).

Rog cooked the steak to perfection and we totally scarfed down. Cam had a friend over who’s birthday is on the same day as mine…coinkeydink, but fun. We sat out by the pool and did shots of tequila and laughed and had a splendiferous time! Cam offered to give up his bed (he’s such a righteous young man), but I brought the air mattress and the man and I went to sleep.

Woke up with a headache, but it could’ve been so much worse! We all went out to breakfast and had a good time. Usually I can scarf mine down, but this time, I only ate half. Hmmm…. We lounged again by the pool and then headed home. Thank you Rog, Kel and Cam for making me feel so special. You guys ROCK.

Day in the Zone

2008-08-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

So my friend Kel (the one pictured with Ace Young) invited us to Day on the Zone, including going back stage and meeting Nick Lachey, Ace Young, Daughtry and LifeHouse. Way too fun. I asked Nick if I could make a comment on his personal life (bad Diz) and he said it depends on the comment...so I said "Good move dumping the Blonde" (as you recall, he was married to Jessica Simpson). He started laughing and said "Yea, I think so too". What a freaking BLAST!

Tea with the Ladies

2008-07-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to tea with the ladies. We always have such a great time when we're together. Our ages vary, but our minds don't. We all work at the same place...well two retired, but we'll just pretend...and we all have different classifications and positions, but we mesh well together. I like that. We're not pretentious, snobby, etc. Just down to earth, tell it like it is, no fronting...etc.

We call each other on our bullshit, and just relax. I love it. They make the best chicken salad sandwiches there. I was never into them when I was younger. If you know me well enough, I despise mayonnaise, so if there's lots in it, I just can't stomach it. They make their sandwiches with substance, different flavors, etc. YUM!!! I swear, I have to learn how to make those. Anyway, I'm so blessed to have these ladies in my life. Just thought I'd give them a shout out and make the rest of you jealous with the pictures of the food!

I should be promoting the tea house so here goes... www.afternoontoremember.com. An Afternoon to Remember is located in Newcastle CA. For the full tea, we were served the cool strawberry soup, black forest ham quiche, 3 different finger sandwiches (almond chicken, cajun, and olive), 3 different desserts and 2 different scones. All very yummy. Check out their website and go. It's a very relaxing "girlie" time, so don't bring the husbands...bring the friends that you share great gossip with. You'll have a blast. Trust me!

Choosing to "Go Green" vs "Choosing Global Warming"

2008-07-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

I gotta tell ya, this whole "Global Warming" BS certainly has me up in arms. The latest commercials do nothing to assuage the anger that I feel for the people in this world getting ripped off over the guise of "Global Warming". Why do politicians feel that we as a species are so powerful, that we can change the ebb and flow of the world, when we can't even come to terms with pettiness, strife, greed, etc. The scientific community is not in agreement that we're the cause of "Global Warming", but they do agree that the world...all on it's own...went thru various stages of cooling and warming. This is, of course, the same community that said we were "entering the next Ice Age" in the 70's.

Damn...in 30 short years, we've managed to Kick God's Ass to the curb, and take over the temperature of the planet.

Now, we're fed the pap of crap that if we "Don't go green, we're choosing Global Warming". Global Warming will happen with or without us, it is NOT a choice. However, if you choose to go green, that just means you're being more conscientious about the choices you make for our landfills, energy consumption, fossil fuel consumption, etc. It is not proven that one affects the other. We've got Al Gore (married to the infamous Tipper of PMRC fame, who was the pusher of music censorship) with more than 10 inconsistencies in his little "An Inconvenient Truth" movie, who is a huge fossil fuel consumer, trying to push effing Carbon Credits...like Carbon Credits will save the universe! These are two people who certainly belong together....A pusher of crap and a squasher of freedom!

Don't get me wrong people...I'm not saying that we shouldn't be greener about our choices. I think it's only wise that we look at our own consumption and be responsible about the choices we make. I am saying that I don't want to hear another effing thing about Going Green and Global Warming in the same sentence. I don't want to be treated like some stupid effing pod-person that needs the Government to tell me how to live, or fine me for using plastic. I am not giving up my airplane ride to Mexico for vacation because of the fuel it will use. However, I will pledge not to use my private airliner to deliver me to work everyday.

A little common sense is all I'm asking for here..... And that concludes my rant for the day!

I Need You Again My Friends!!!

2008-07-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey My Friends,

I have another friend who is suffering from cancer...another rare form. You came through for me with your prayers and the first friend is holding his own. Will you do it again for another friend?

This friend is someone my husband worked with. He's a fantastic guy who took us under his wing and guided us through the Sasco years at NEC Electronics. Always a warm smile and a generous heart, he's a guy who shares what he has. His wife is a pistol, lots of fun, vivacious smile and makes you feel comfortable being in her presence.

Life is never fair when horrible things happen to great people. I wish Kharma would kick in here, but unfortunately she's hiding her medusian head somewhere unmentionable and that is that. However, I have to believe that when bad things happen to good people, these are the very people who will find strength, love and endurance in their trials. These are the people that seem to attract family and friends that will support and love them through the rough times. These are the people who teach us all how to be more giving, more insightful and helps us prioritize our lives. These are the people who will make it!

So, I know I ask a lot of you and you keep returning the favors. Thanks for being my friend and supporting my friends with your prayers and good wishes.

Finally...Pix!

2008-07-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

Collective Soul

2008-07-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

So, we went to the Collective Soul concert. We had a great time. Rog was kind enough to drive (Congrats to Rog on his new job!) and we got there in no time. We ate the buffet dinner and the salad was good, salmon cooked to perfection, steak like rubber, etc. But the Margarita was splendid! I could feel it burning a trail to heaven all the way down my throat to my tummy..."Hello, old friend!". We had great seats and I got some great shots of the band.

The next day, I got rid of the Albatross around my neck. The trailer has been sold. Anywho, here's some shots for ya. Ok..still problems uploading. We'll try again tomorrow.

4th of July

2008-07-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

"On this day of Independence, On this Independence Day..." Just want to say thank you to our troops who fight for our freedom every day. Thank you to our Veteran's who have fought and understand the true meaning of the term "Freedom is not free". Thank you to our internal heroes, the police, firefighters, doctors and nurses and volunteers. You make life in our country enjoyable.

Thank you to the parents of the aforementioned heroes. You are heroes too. You watch your children go out and fight the noble fight...never knowing, but always hoping they come back safe. And for those parents who's children did not come back...a special thank you. Thank you for the courage to let your children out into the world and the courage of your children to fight the good fight. Thank you and your children for the ultimate sacrifice. For me, you are the meaning of the word "Freedom". All of you embody what this country is about.

It is not about race or religion, but the body collective. It is about all of us, indivisible. Our Flag and our National Anthem is for each and every citizen of this country. It should mean the same to all of us. Our country is young, our country has made mistakes, and will continue to do so in it's evolution. It is up to each and everyone of us to rise above the petty injustices and embrace the destiny of this country. To do otherwise will divide us. To do otherwise, may cost us the very freedom that we've paid, and continue to pay, so dearly for.

Foolish Decisions

2008-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I have a very naive friend who married someone she shouldn't have. She basically "settled" because (I believe) she was lonely. Before married this guy, I asked her to get a pre-nup because she was a single parent homeowner and I said that the home was her daughter's inheritance or security. She said that because of her religion, she didn't believe in that. Me and my other friend begged her to reconsider marrying this guy because he didn't have a steady job, was boarding with friends (no appt of his own), and seemed to have issues. She did it anyway.

Today, I found out that she's selling her home on a short-sale due to her debts and borrowing against the equity of the house. She was financially fine before she married this idiot. He suffers from depression and health issues and can't always work, but it seems he can spend her money. I almost puked when I heard the news. She had to start all over after her divorce, now she has to start all over again.

Ladies, I wouldn't call myself a "Women's Libber", but for God's sake, a woman should be smart enough to cover her back...just in case. This is not an age when you can depend on the man! If you can, and have a husband/significant other that shares equally in the relationship, great! But always have a back up plan! What if your partner dies? What if your partner blindsides you with "I've found someone else", what if your partner makes unwise financial decisions without you? What are you going to do? PLEASE, please think about your future and prepare yourself, prepare your finances, make sure you are pro-active about your retirement planning and funds. That way, if some unforeseen thing happens to your loved one, you can pick up the slack and survive. This is so important if you have children. No one else is going to take care of them for you. You have to make sure your babies are safe, fed, clothed, etc. Have your own account and save some money for a rainy day, because.....

THE RAIN WILL COME! Don't kid yourself that it won't. Life is life. Be prepared.

Ok...sorry I sound so preachy. I'm just sick over my friend's dilemma. There's nothing I can do or say but be a supportive friend, but this is going to be keeping me up at night.

Insidious Comments

2008-06-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm pissed because the husband threw out one of his "insidious" comments yesterday. I hate it when he does that. It bothers me because it's the second one in a week.

Last week, as I'm going off to bed he throws out "I guess you're not going to lock up, so I'll have to do it". I was pissed! I spun around and said, "if you're asking me to lock up the house then come out and ask me! The reason I don't lock up the house when I go to bed is because I go to bed earlier than you do (sometime between 8 and 9 pm) and sometimes you don't bring your sorry ass to bed until around 11. If you want me to lock up early, then just say so, otherwise, it's the responsibility of the last one in bed!" and stomped off to bed.

Last night he threw something out about watering the plants...he can never come out and just ask, he makes it sound like I'm such a fucking loser that I never do anything around the house and it's such a burden for me. So at the moment, we're not speaking much. I'm still heated about it and I'm not going to stand for these kinds of comments much more. It's like a knife in the back thing. I like to fight fair and head on. If I have a problem with you, I'm gonna come out and say it...not pussyfoot around. Ah well....and this too shall pass.

Troubled Times

2008-06-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

I read the news today, oh boy…..

These are sad times. I read 4 different articles on abused, tortured and killed children. A man kicked and stomped his 2 year old to death…a woman and her friend repeatedly abused her 5 year old son, including forcing him to put his open hands on a stove burner. His hands were so scarred that he couldn’t open them fully….A Aunt/foster mother was arrested for killing her 4 year old niece…I just cried, literally had tears rolling down my cheeks.

When I found out that we could not have children of our own, I was devastated. However, I got another chance due to circumstances to be a Mom to my Nephew, now my son. I cannot fathom how effing animals can do these unspeakable things to children. I gaze in my Nieces eyes and see the innocence and love there and the thought of betraying that love sickens me. My Nephew came with a lot of baggage from being abused by his Dad. It takes everything in my power to stay on an even keel and not do something that I’ll pay for the rest of my life.

How do we, as a society, tolerate this animalistic behavior? How do we keep our babies safe? There are predators everywhere..some we’re related to, that want to harm our children. It scares me that I won’t be able to protect my own, let alone all of the defenseless babies out there. My heart bleeds to think that while I’m writing this another child is suffering. I can’t see my screen now. I have to stop.

Whazzup!!!

2008-06-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

Doing a little slacking on the blogging. Bad Diz! Yesterday my Cousin and I did some celebrating of her birthday. Too fun. We shopped, had lunch, shopped some more and I got to meet her new family. It was cool! The older we get, the more I come to appreciate her.

It's Father's Day, and although I don't have a dad of my own, my Father-in-law "Dad" is a good man. He has his faults, like all of us do, but he has a heart of gold. He doesn't always say things in the accepted way, but he's real. He's a self-made man, a military man, had his own business and recently retired. He's self educated and when there's something he doesn't know, he makes sure to find out. He slaughters my name, but that's his term of endearment. It used to bug me, but now I like it, and would miss it if I didn't hear it from him. He likes the same kind of movies I do, and we share a love of one particular one called "Return to Me" starring Minnie Driver and David Duchovny. If you haven't seen it and love romantic movies...this is a keeper.

He's as hard-headed as I am, and sometimes we go toe-to-toe. That's ok though. It makes the relationship stronger. Happy Father's Day Dad!

I got a little something for the husband too. He says "I'm not your Dad". I said "You're Dad to our kid, so I'm thanking you for being a good Dad to him". This logic of my husband's is the reason I did not get a Mother's day card or gift from him. Though it does sting momentarily, I don't let it get to me, cuz that's how he is, and I recognize that. Sometimes, he's too damned logical.

My husband is a rare breed of guy. If you know the circumstances of how our son came to be in our lives, you know that this is a job that he volunteered for because he loves me and adores Damian. He always has. He embraced fatherhood and enjoys every moment. He's been challenged, as all parents have, but he comes thru. Thanks for being a great Dad Muffin. I sure appreciate it and you.

Oh Happy Day....

2008-06-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like I've sold the trailer in Clear Lake...THANK YOU JESUS!!! What a drain on my finances and it chaps my butt. My Mom's friend is going to buy it off of me, and I'm giving her a deal. I just don't want the hassle anymore. She's a standup lady and I did promise her first crack at it.

Besides, I'd rather torch the place then let the owners of the trailer park have it. That BEOCH can kiss my @#$%*(^$!@@%@^%&& ASS!

Ok..I go nighty night now. Dizzy is tired, cranky but happy too. Dizzy talk tomorrow.

Regrets

2008-06-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

So something is on my mind that's been bothering me. I learned a hard lesson. When Serenie Beanie came to visit a couple of weekends ago, we had rainy weather. She wanted to go for a walk in the rain and when I couldn't find an umbrella, I nixed the idea...thinking that it would be best if she didn't get wet.

What the eff was I thinking??? I keep replaying that in my mind, and I should've taken her walking in the rain. I love to walk in the rain, and get wet...stick my tongue out for the raindrops to fall on. I missed a moment that we could've shared forever and it's gone. The ache in my heart over missing this moment is huge. I keep thinking about it and wishing over and over that I could go back in time and change it. She probably won't remember, and when the opportunity comes again, I won't miss it, but...

Something in my heart hurts.

Spoke Too Soon...Kinda

2008-06-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, I watched Steve Jobs address to the developer industry last night...after my blog, and maybe I reacted a little unfairly. There are some really kewl new things about the latest rendition of the iPhone. However, I still believe that they could've given more capacity to the phone...especially since the iPod Touch goes to 32 gigs. It's only a matter of time (Christmas) that the iPhone will too.

However, the Man says that he wants to upgrade his phone and is interested in my Treo 750. I'm pretty sure I can transfer my options to his phone number...along with the phone. So I may end up getting the new iPhone in July. He wants something to text easily on, and this may be the way to get him into the technology age. God knows, his mom got him a cool P.C. laptop as a gift about 3 years back and I can count on one hand how many times he's used it.

If this is the way to get him more teckkie, then I'm all for spending $300 for the new phone.

Disappointed

2008-06-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

Apple came out with their phone, but it only goes to 16 gigs. What up with that? I know technology is capable of more. I've waited a year for more capacity...and this is what I get? Diz is not happy. Diz believes her beloved company has let her down. Diz is disappointed.

It does have some nice bells and whistles, but not what I was expecting. Am I expecting too much from Apple? I don't know. You go check it out and tell me....www.apple.com

Jawbone - By Aliph

2008-06-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

So the new "Hands Free" cell phone law goes into effect in California in a couple of weeks. I've always been a earpiece user, and the last one I had was a "Jawbone". Loved it, but the ear loop was a little flaky and it didn't want to stay securely in my ear. However, this is the first earpiece I've used that everyone could hear me clearly on. It has military technology and you can be in a stiff wind and the person on the other end won't hear it...LOVED IT. However, I lost it (I never lose my techie gadget stuff) when I was assisting my husband out of the hospital from is Knee surgery. Very Upset.

So I didn't replace it right away, although I missed it sorely. In March, I wrote an email to Aliph, who makes Jawbone, and asked if they're coming out with another version due to the issues I had with the old one. I got an email back saying "No, there are no plans to update the Jawbone". Still, I held off, for some reason. Well, everytime I've updated my Mac from Apple, a new one comes out the next month...pisses me off. Why can't they just tell me to wait till next month? Same with effing software, I upgrade, and here comes the new version. So I waited...

Thank God I did. They just came out with Jawbone II which is 50 percent smaller and fits like a glove. Bought it yesterday...WooHoo. Although I'm still pissed off about the damned denial! Something tells me I'll love this one...and hang on to it! Now for the new iPhone release! Rumor is tomorrow, but we'll see....

Timeshare..Love Em or Hate Em?

2008-05-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've had a timeshare now since 1995. I've generally loved the timeshare and the fact that it forces you to have a vacation. I've been to places that I probably wouldn't have gone to without it, so I'm extremely lucky. What bothers me is their billing department.

Before a couple of years ago, I paid the dues on a quarterly basis. For about 5 payments straight, they would harass me with notices saying I hadn't paid it and I would call, give the check number and they would find that they've applied the payment to the original loan balance and have to move it. I would get apologies, but it doesn't stop the feelings you get when this happens. We paid off the loan and decided to add more credits to our account, which meant a new loan and increased dues. They changed their policy and now take the payments from your account monthly. I said that this was fine, as long as they don't send me any more notices.

Well, in trying to reserve the timeshare the other day, they said that I had an outstanding due payment of $400+. I asked how that was possible? They wanted to know what I meant. I said, You take the money out of my account every month, how could you manage to screw it up that much? And the fight ensued!

Turns out they said that when I increased my credits last year that one payment was missed for August. I told them my bank statement shows that it was made. Then they said that it didn't show the increase, I said that there's a separate payment for that one the statement. The other costs was penalties and interest. I had to fax in my bank statement showing otherwise. Still haven't heard from them.

What's the point of having a vacation timeshare when all it does is stress you out?

Memorial Day

2008-05-27T19:39:00.001-07:00

Memorial Day (American) is a day when we remember all of our heroes who have fallen during our wars supporting our freedoms. It’s a day that is celebrated in different ways throughout our Country. I think if you ask people, it means different things that encircle the fallen ones. Some of us have family who perished, some have family that serve or have served, some people just like to picnic with family.

In these desperate times, the underlying theme for me is sacrifice for freedom. I like to think of all the freedoms I enjoy that those who have fallen have bought for me with their lives. Freedom of speech is a huge thing for me. The freedom to blog and tell you how I feel, or not feel. I wonder if the young bloggers of today give a thought to that. Many of them think of it as their right and don’t give it a second thought. They don’t think of it as a privilege that was purchased for them by the blood of others.

Do Americans hold dear the thoughts of mothers who have lost their babies (no matter what age, they will always be their mother’s babies) who fought for our freedoms? Do we remember the fathers who grieve silently so they can be strong for their wives? Do we fill our hearts with the thought of sisters and brothers who are missing their siblings and remembering days when they played together in sunshine and happiness?

I won’t go into a political diatribe as to whether or not we should be at war. The bottom line is, we are at war. Our soldiers have spilled their precious blood in service to their country…to us. It is important for us to remember the price of freedom. The price was the same in 1776 as it is today. What is the price?

The price of our freedom is blood, pain, loss, lives, hearts, souls and sacrifices of those who have fallen….and for us. A fallen soldier means a piece of us has died. If we hold this in our hearts and appreciate what we have, then our heroes have not died in vain. Remember, not just on Memorial Day, but anytime you think about it, close your eyes, offer up a prayer to heaven, and ask God to take care of all of our soldiers, fallen or otherwise, and to watch over their families and our Nation.

Retirement Parties...Oh My!

2008-05-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

So yesterday afternoon I attended an awesome retirement party. It’s really fun to be around the people you work with in a totally different environment. You can find the party animals, the girls that get a little too tipsy, the cool guys, and an atmosphere that is relaxing. I generally have a rule about partying with the people I work with….with the exception of a select few, I stick to one drink, nurse it for ages, and then go home.

I stuck to that rule yesterday. Today in the office, we all had a laugh over the people who “lost it”. The things they said and did, etc. This is usually stuff that will get pulled out at the wrong time, when you need to have your game-face about you and then…someone tries to ruin it. Fortunately for me, not a problem.

I also got to know our LANWAN guys better. They are so much fun, open, and they offered to buy me drinks. Can’t go wrong with that…too bad I had to refuse. They also said that I looked much younger than my years…SCORE!!! Ok, so they lied to me, it sure felt good going in my ears…know what I mean? I did have to dispense some “elderly wisdom” though. Apparently 3 of them are dating girls from work…and my philosophy is…you don’t piss in your pond. It’s rare that it doesn’t come back to bite you. If the relationship goes sour, everyone knows about it and is all up in your business. Ah well, the impetuousness of youth. I must be a really jealous bitch.

What a Day...

2008-05-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm lying in bed last night and felt something bite my right arm just above the elbow. I grabbed my arm and rubbed it and went back to sleep. When I got up this morning, I could still feel the bite so I went to the mirror and looked. I didn't see anything but my pudgy arm. Then I looked at my left arm and noticed that it wasn't really pudgy at all...I realized that my arm was swollen, but I've lost weight and didn't realized that my arms had changed. I started laughing. It made the bite funny. It's still a little sore, but I'm not going to worry about it.

I'm feeling better from the raking also. Didn't do the stair machine this morning, but after my body loosened up today, did it this afternoon. It was hard getting up from chairs because inactivity made my side hurt more. Middle age sucks sometimes! It's all good though.

Sore!!!

2008-05-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend's raking has done a number on me. My legs and arms are fine, but one side hurts and is sore. I'm getting up like an old lady, instead of a middle aged one. What's a girl to do.

I had fun on my weekend without the husband. Went to tea with girlies, rented a chickflick...P.S. I love you. Ended up buying the soundtrack off of iTunes. Things went well.

Freedom!!!

2008-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

So the man is going to be gone all weekend. He’ll leave early Saturday morning, and return on Monday afternoon. The boys are headed to Eagle Lake to open up the summer house and have a great time. This, of course, leaves me to my own devices. Hmmm, what to do??? Eat bonbons, watch chick-flicks??

Tomorrow is Tea Day with the Ladies. There was going to be 8 of us, but 3 backed out. Wish I could be mad, but they all had solid reasons. I'll just miss them there. I roll with some righteous chicks. They're strong, independent, persevering, and funny as hell. Not quite sure how I got to hang with them. I know I'm extremely lucky. Most of them are older than me and I pay attention to what they say. However, I feel like we're all the same age, and when we get together, I never feel the age gap between us.

I'll also do some raking of leaves so the man won't have to worry about it and come home feeling rested. Sunday I'll rake some leaves in the morning and do some exercising. Vacuum, and then the rest of the day is mine. WooHoo.

BIANCA AND TWINS!!!

2008-05-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today, I got to see my friend Bianca and her sisters, twins Sydney and Peyton. It's been awhile since I sang a song to Bianca. I think I need to remember to do that. She used to leave me awesome songs on my work machine and stuff.

The twins did "High Fives", shared raisins and were just plain cute!!! Bianca has grown into a beautiful young lady. I think her Dad had better get a shotgun to clean when her dates come over to pick her up. Maybe I'll just have to let him borrow one. I can tell she's going to be popular with the boys. With a little luck, she'll stay into sports and remember that boys have COOTIES!!!

Thanks for bringing the girls to work KristieGirl. I sure enjoyed the visit.

The Love of a Good Man

2008-05-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

I came home today and my man had the garage open and the fan going...knowing I'd be exercising. My man is an alcoholic and a procrastinator. However, he works hard at keeping his addiction at bay. I am a slob. I have a boy gene inside me that detests housework, but loves to tinker with cars and be outside. I think I have the better end of the deal. I have ways of dealing with the procrastination, so it's not too bad of a thing.

He, however, does his own laundry and cooks. I love to cook, but laundry? YUK! He loves me. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, no matter how fat I get. I wonder when the spell will wear off (I'm sure FairyGodmother had something to do with this) but it never seems to. He does little things to show me he loves me. He forgets the big things...like Mother's day, etc. But I'll see contstant reminders that he does...like stocking the freezer with my favorite South beach lunchables, or buying SkinnyCow ice cream sandwiches.

He is a good man...and I'm lucky enough to have his love. Stay tuned till tomorrow, when, for some reason, I'll be so mad at him that I'll want to shoot him and bury him under the house. Just kidding.

Teensy

2008-05-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

She's a great friend and I worry about her. She's under such stress and she keeps a brave face. She's shouldering the weight of the world and yet still remembers to ask how I'm doing, or bring me a recipe. She treasures her children and grandchildren. I hope they know how much she talks about them all, how her eyes sparkle when she mentions their accomplishments, Heather and her job, Chris working hard in school, Georgine raising her beautiful daughters and doing a great job juggling teaching and mommyhood, Brandon rocking the world of Apple.

She worries about her man and the hardships he's going thru and is a rock for him. She pays attention to details so they can be used for his recovery. She is love and it surrounds her, permeates the air, and infects the people she cares about. Yes Teensy. I see you. I feel you. You are not alone. You may never read this (you're not a blog reader), but your friends have built a web around you and sense the turmoil you're in. We will always try to relieve the pressure, comfort you, sustain you and love you, just as you do for the ones around you.

Parents Again

2008-05-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

One thing I notice, being a member of the Booster club for the local high school, is that many parents do not participate in any of their kids school activities. You have to beg to have participation to help out at the snack shack for games, or stuff envelopes, or whatever. I find it amazing that parents can't devote 10 measley hours of their month to the extra curricular activities of their kids. Why is that? What is the priority?

Maybe I feel differently because we couldn't have children. I do have a son, and although we adopted him at an older age, when the opportunity came to be involved in his school activities, we moved heaven and earth to do so. One of us was always at his little league games, we attended back to school and open house, we chaperoned trips, we didn't want to miss out of a second of his school years because we knew there would come a day (like now) where we'd be shut out due to his growth and life choices. I don't regret ever blowing off work to participate in his school days. I miss those days horribly. I can still see him looking to see if we're there and catching our eyes, smiling and then focusing on whatever it was he was doing. He needed to know we were there in some way.

I so wish there was a way to communicate to these parents that "these are the days of their lives" to quote a Queen song. Don't let them slip through your fingers. Get involved in the Booster club and school activities and what your kid is doing. For God sake, make sure to read your kids "My Space" page and know that they're involved in. Don't let the one precious thing you have slip thru your fingers. Money comes and goes, homes are bought, sold, lost, jobs can be replaced...but that first home run, the shared feeling of wining or losing a game, the feeling your child gets taking you to each of his classes for open house...you can't get that back. Once it's done...it's gone forever.

Dirty Underwear

2008-05-11T18:01:00.001-07:00

So I had a busy day yesterday. I got up early and exercised. Went to my friend's graduation, and lunch. Went to our friends for dinner and off to the soap derby races. I brought a change of clothes for the pool and for the races. When I changed for the pool , I wrapped my underwear in my green skirt and put it in my bag. When I dressed for the races, I had on an exercise skirt that comes with pants. I forgot to bring a fresh pair of knickers so I went commando.

When I got home and went thru the bag this morning, I can't seem to find the skirt with the undies wrapped in them. I'm totally mortified that they'll be found at my friends...which they will be. Nothing like leaving your dirty skivvies around for others to find. Ah well..I knew ya'll needed a laugh on Mother's day, so here you go. Yes...Diz leaves dirty skivvies at her friends house!!!

On a great note, I heard from the boy today. He's feeling better and doing well. I miss him. It's always great to hear his voice and those feelings of joy and longing bubble up uncontrollably. He may irk me terribly, but he's a good boy and I love him so much it hurts.

Happy Mother's day to all of you Mom's. A special Happy Mother's Day to those Mom's who's babies are overseas fighting for our country, or stationed far away from home. Also to those Mom's who's babies have been taken by the Lord. No matter where your babies are, it is your day...and I know they are thinking of you and loving you with all of their hearts!

Retirement

2008-05-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

We had a retirement potluck today at work. I gotta tell ya, I'm not due to retire for another 14 years (If I retire at 55) however, most of my closest friends are retiring within the next year, 2 years on the outside. I'm jealous as hell because I'll miss spending time with them. But I'm also jealous because I know they'll be doing fun things like going to tea, shopping and heading to Vegas for some fun.

I'm sure I'll be able to attend a few of those things, but I know I'll be missing out on the majority. I can hear it now..."Diz..we're headed to Vegas for a mid-week special. Can you go?" "No??? Too bad...SUCKER..I mean Diz."

And I'll be swearing under my breath..."Those no good dirtbag Beoches did that sh#t on purpose! @#$$%^$#^@^"

Ah well, they know I'll love them anyway, but that doesn't mean that envy won't cop a squat in my chest and make me writhe in jealousy, wasting away the last vestiges of goodness that I've managed to horde these past 43 years. Oh wait...I think I pissed the last of the goodness away when I wished bad mojo to the AntiChrist. Perhaps there's no hope...or help for me after all.

Butt Dragging

2008-05-07T20:12:00.001-07:00

My tushie was dragging today. I did not want to be on the machine today, and neither did my fat legs. Ah well, I did it anyway. Today was just one of those days at work...Know what I mean? Just busy and working on budget stuff....SNORE! I had to juice the coffee big time.

Got reminded that tomorrow was potluck day at work, and I had to bring in bread. So..stopped at the store. I have to say, the upgrades they've made to my local Raley's is awesome. It's huge, and has hot foods, sushi, a coffee shoppe. I love it. Saves me from having to drive extra to Bel Air. The people are cool and friendly. It feels like part of the community. Love it!!!

I gotta PEE!!!

2008-05-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today was busy!!! I managed to down a gallon of water today. But I gotta tell ya, I was in a meeting that lasted an hour and a half, and I had to pee so bad I was in serious pain. What up with that? I don't think I've had to pee that bad in years...possibly since the infamous Tahoe trip so many years back.

It's good that I'm drinking water, but sometimes I forget about that damned diuretic, and it reminds me at the worst time. Ah well. I practically sprinted to the restroom and every step was painful. Why didn't I just get up from the meeting and go? Because I was taking notes and was afraid I'd miss something. Ah well... it was funny.

Legal stuff....

2008-05-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

So I consulted with the lawyers about the trailer issue. They were good common sense people. I have a clear direction to go and they consulted for free. How cool was that? You hear all the lawyer jokes and everything, but these people seemed to sense my desperation and it's comforting to know that I have options.

My mother is a different story. I've asked for a copy of the recent contract, and she can't seem to find it. She's so lacksidasical about her legal issues, contracts etc. She never thinks about consequences or the future. She leaves that to me to figure out. How much can you wish for a 60 year old woman to get it together. If she can't do it now, she never will and this is the future I have to look forward to. Instead of God giving me children (except the beloved Boy), he gave me family responsibility.

I asked my husband what I did in a past life to deserve this. Was I Hitler? I must've been a real bitch! Ah well, when I come back, I want to come back as one of my kitties! They are so damned spoiled, there isn't anything we don't give them. They have their treats, run of the house, self cleaning litter box, and our love, of course... If you ask them, we probably don't give them enough..typical cats. Enough of my whining...I don't have cheese to go with it.

I'm doing ok, and with a little luck, I'll be doing better.

Naughty Day

2008-05-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

Started out great. Did the 3 mile hill walk, came back and got ready to take my buddy Chris out for her birthday. She picked Olive Garden for Lunch. Fortunately for me, I hadn't eaten breakfast...and after that lunch...didn't eat dinner either. I was stuffed! We had the garden salad...awesome, I ate one breadstick, we had stuffed mushrooms, I drank a glass of wine and had the 5-cheese ravioli...in the words of Rachel Ray..."Yummo". I was loaded down.

We headed to Wild Bills and my buddy got her navel pierced. Then headed to the mall and did some shopping. All the exercise clothes & my favorite Avia shoes was on sale...and I desperately needed exercise clothes, so I bought them. It will be so cool to exercise in actual workout clothes instead of the pants and old cotton leotards that I have.

It was great seeing the kids again and Papa Mark is in rare form...as always. Hope your back feels better Mark. Had a great time with my buddy, and it was a fantastic day.

Collective Soul BooBoo

2008-05-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm a member of the "Collective Souls"...yea, I know....I'm a freaking Geek, but I love them so. And they released tickets to their fan club members. I thought I had locked in front row seats, but I stupidly opened another web window to see if the condo was available, and when I confirmed the tickets, I confirmed the 9th row...not first.

OMG...what a DUMBASS!!! I so felt like crap because I got tickets for our friends too, and it comes out to $180 per couple. I called her and told her they were going for free and that I was really sorry about the whole thing. I was ready for her to kill me, but instead we end up fighting over them paying...I said no, she said shut up, we're paying...blah blah blah.

Next time, the man is standing behind my sorry ass to make sure I have the right tickets before I confirm. I just feel really rotten about it. Our friends are totally KEWL. We hung out in Cancun together in February. Ah well...I just knew I couldn't sleep until I confessed. Sorry Dean and Ed. Don't worry...one day we will be front and center!

The Boy

2008-04-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well I finally heard from the Boy today. He has not called since he left on March 3rd. Seems he isn't doing as well. He's walking with a cane and is on muscle relaxers. He also takes Ambien and is apparently hallucinating at night and scaring his young wife. He says he's having memory problems and has to carry around a note book so he doesn't forget things. It bothers me that the military hasn't figured out what is wrong with my boy. It bothers me more that my boy is not pro-active about his health.

I asked him what he's doing to help himself...has he researched his symptoms on the web? Does his doctor have a prognosis? What about physical therapy? Has he looked into any Holistic answers? The boy has done nothing, really. I know his hands are tied by the military and he's trying to get a CAT scan to see if that may be something, but, he should be researching the web for as much information as he can possibly find.

I explained to him that "he's not even 20 yet and he's walking with a cane. He still has 70 to 80 years left to live...Is this the way he wants to live them? Some day he's going to have kids, doesn't he want to play with them and be an active parent?" I told him that he needs to be far more aggressive in his health and his life. "You are the Captain of your ship and you have to steer your course...I can't do that for you". "You've told me that you're an adult and that you can handle your business, so you need to do that...I can't do the research for you!" I think he got what I was saying, but he's still young and has to learn that no one can do it for you. You have to bust ass to do it yourself.

Parents....

2008-04-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

The parental unit is giving me problems again. She keeps insinuating herself into the whole Clear Lake trailer issue. This is something I don't want her help in. When she's involved, it's always a hearsay issue...i.e. he said, she said. I never get a straight story. Plus, after the way she was treated by the owner's mother, I'd just assume take their sorry butts to court and get back rent, pain and suffering for trying to blackmail me.

I really couldn't give a rats ass if I end up having to pull the trailer out for demolition. There are 3 grown trees that will have to come down which will make the trailer lot look like crap. I DON'T CARE! I wish my mother would just let this go and let me handle it. I took the responsibility and put it in my name.

Ah well. I guess it really doesn't matter. She does whatever she wants anyway. Just as long as she does it away from me!

Moanday

2008-04-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today went well, but the 3-mile walk was a drudge walk. I did not stop, but man, it sure hurt. I got back and attended a conference call for work. I sure like my job. I'm learning all kinds of stuff, which is cool. It's fresh and exciting.

Not much going on today...yet, but the day isn't over. I'm glad things are quiet on the homefront. It's been so long and lots of turmoil, and now...quiet. Makes me wonder what's around the corner...;-)

Raking Leaves

2008-04-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

Today was work in the yard day. I raked leaves and cut back the rose branches on the trellis. As I was raking, I looked down and saw a birds nest with an egg and two freshly hatched babies. I don't know where the nest came from, I think it fell from a tree. I felt so bad. I put the nest in a tree, and am hoping that Mama bird finds them.

I ended up with 6 blisters on one hand. Guess I need to do more physical labor. I got softie hands. The man was grouchy all day. Not encouraging, nothing nice to say. He was exasperating. I tried to stay out of his way...know what I mean.

WooHoo

2008-04-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day. After doing my 3 mile walk, I got on the scale and.....I'm down a total of 30 lbs since January. Yea!!! Man oh man, I was happy. I went to my nutrition class and was on cloud nine. Afterward I met the man and Mom and Dad at ...Pasquale T's in Auburn. It's Dad's favorite restaurant and it's his 74th birthday. I tried to be good, but had a little fun. I had the antipasto salad and an appetizer of Calamari. I ended up eating half the calamari. I did however have the toasted Garlic Bread...which I should've said no to. It was decadent, buttery, garlicy...Hmmm.

Fortunately I'm not a big bread person, so I should be alright. We'll see.

Frantic

2008-04-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I was having the best sleep. I listened to my relaxation tape, set my alarm clock for 3:00 a.m. and was out like a light. The husband got up sometime in the middle of the night, and I was vaguely thinking that I should look at my alarm clock. I told myself “No, you set it, don’t worry about it. Enjoy the sleep”, so back to sleep I went. The next time I woke up, I rolled over and looked at the clock. “OMG, it’s 5 a.m.! I should’ve left for work 10 minutes ago! “ I’ve missed my morning workout and now I’m 10 minutes late to the carpool!

I run to the kitchen where I have my Treo juicing, and pick it up to text the buddies, but it starts vibrating in my hand. Ah, one of the carpoolers is not on board…no need to tell him what a screw-up I am. I text the other one and tell her that I’m running 10 minutes late. No shower, slug down my protein drink and zoom off. While in transit I sent the following message to her “I’m driving” to let her know that I’ll be driving us. It’s too bad I didn’t finish the sentence cuz she took that to mean I’m driving myself and you’re on your own Sista! What a dope I am. When I get to the meet spot and realize she’s not there, I call her and she’s already in the commute. I figure since I’m running late anyway, I might as well pick up the coffee creamer.
Since I’ve been on this healthy kick, it bums me out not to exercise.

Tired

2008-04-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was going to go on a long-winded rant about "dumb-assed morons", but I'm just too tired. Plus, I've plateau'd on the weight again. Why won't just keep moving down? Must stay on the stairs to nowhere....

It's All About Me!

2008-04-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today was an "all about me" day. I worked out in the morning, worked half the day, took the rest off and...Got my hair colored and got the nails done. It's so nice to be pampered once in awhile. You Ladies out there know what I'm talking about. You get so wrapped up in work, home, kids (if ya got em...Kristie) and sometimes you have to take time out and smell the sterling silver roses.

Today is my 1 year anniversary with the Network Management Bureau at my job. I love my job. I miss my ole e-file buddies, but I'm learning every day and it's still new and exciting. The Network guys are totally cool, and they don't mind explaining stuff that I'm still trying to grasp.

Had a kick-ass workout when I got home. I went the usual half hour and thought "I'm stepping it up to level 3", which I did for 10 minutes. That had me good and sweaty (somehow I think that phrase would only appeal to a man). Ah well, this is a short blog today. I'm off to shower, eat and go to bed...yes, I did sleep pretty well last night. It was hard to get my sorry ass out of bed.

Kicking Zombie Ass, but No Sleep!

2008-04-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

So last night I couldn’t sleep. Started the CPAP machine at 9:00 p.m. By 12:00 I was still wide awake, so I yanked off the face mask and shut off the machine. The man had the living room television loud, so he could hear it when he came to bed. There he was, snoring up a storm and I was awake. So at 1:00 a.m. I got up and shut it off. I finally fell asleep, only to dream of some kind of zombie experiment gone awry and having to save my kitty. Woke up about 2 a.m. and stayed that way till the alarm went off.

Wondered how I was going to do on the stair machine, but once I put on my workout music, the ½ hour went by fast! I made a new playlist with fast rocking women and I love it. Made me feel like a butt-kicking femme fatale! At least I finally feel like I have a routine in place. I don’t like working out at 3:15 a.m., but I accept that I need to…damn the bad luck!

Everyone has advice on what I should eat and what I shouldn’t. I’ve told everyone at work that I’m on a lifestyle change, which I am, not a DIET! I’ve been bringing my healthy lunches, etc. Can you imagine if I even entertained the idea of bariatric surgery with most of my co-workers? The comments I would get. Not so sure I’m ready for all of that.

Got home and got on the machine and you'd never believe it. I was on it for 61 minutes at level 2. Not that I intended to do that but when I finally opened my eyes to look at the minutes, I was at 47 minutes. Then I thought..."Hell, I can do 3 minutes more". Once I got there I figured I was too close to an hour not to do it. Got to 61 minutes. Damn, I hope to hell it makes me sleep like the dead!

The Dreaded "Diet" word!

2008-04-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

I've been on this "weight loss" journey since I was nine years old. My Mother, who had always been skinny, gave up cigarettes for God when I was about 5. She gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy with my sister and after her birth made it her mission to lose weight. Of course, she couldn't do it alone so I had to diet with her...thus started my rollercoaster ride with diet and food.

I still remember the dreaded Cottage Cheese and Hamburger diet...that's all we ate. To this day, I can't eat the two of them together. During my teen years, I wasn't really fat, but thought I was. That carried into my twenties. I was always dieting, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Atkins, Susanne Summers, Southbeach,...The rollercoaster became more dramatic, up-down. God, I swear, I've lost somewhere in the neighborhood of over 500 lbs over the years. Lose 25, gain 30...lose 30, gain 45...lose 30 gain 60..it never stops. One day, going through some old pictures my husband had taken (we were friends for awhile before we hooked up), I came across a picture of me in a black one piece bathing suit, standing in Gurlie Creek. OMG...I was not FAT! I actually looked damned good! I ran screaming to the man, with the picture clutched in my hand..."Look, Look, I'm not Fat!" He started laughing and said "No, what made you think you were?" "I've always been fat! Ever since I was little".

I went back to look at old pictures, and no, I wasn't fat. There were times when I was a little chubby, but nothing major. Not like what's been in my head for years. And now I am fat and I let the thin me go, without ever realizing I had her. My self-loathing never let me see what was actually in front of my face.

So I started back on the journey last August, but let myself be waylaid by the holidays and the family crap that goes with it. I ate a lot this past Christmas. I was upset and I let it get the best of me, reaching my all-time weight high in January. I got back on the routine and have since lost 25 lbs. Along with that comes trying to accept me for me. I read an interesting blog, where one person said that they run their hands over their stomach every morning to feel the changes, and I started to laugh. Someone does the same thing I do!

I don't "diet" anymore. I'm changing eating habits. The funny thing is, I actually eat quite healthy. My husband is always looking at labels, and 90% of the stuff in our home is good stuff. I just like too much of a good thing. When the man cooks a superb prime rib and gives you this 1 1/2 inch slab on your plate, it's hard to stop. The funny thing is lately...I have been. I've been researching my weightloss options and thinking about what's out there. My fear is that I will work so hard to take it off and rollercoaster back up. I've thought of Gastric bypass but that's a little too dramatic for me. I've also looked at the Lap band and read a lot of the blogs out there. At first, I thought I was "cheating" if I took that option, but I'm working so hard to take it off. That does not change with the band. I still have to work at it.

Anyway, just sharing thoughts, purging the soul (no, never been a binge and purge person...did binge in my 20's but that was it...kept it in). This is part of the process for me. Have to rid myself of the crap. But let's leave this on a great note. I did my walk today and it was GREAT! I'm getting faster and faster up the hills...still a struggle, but getting better. One day, I will run up those hills and they won't stop me.