A Love Even Time Will Lie Down And Be Still For

“I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing…I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.”  Sally Owens – Practical Magic

 

I remember when I first heard this quote back in 1998, how much it resonated in me.  Maybe because love, for me, was never calm or soothing.  You hear some people speak of love as a safe harbor, of feeling protected, but I never really got that.  Love has always been exposing, tumultuous, a back and forth struggle to be happy.  Yes, there were happy moments, but it was hard won, it was a fight to get it.  

 

I know my Ex never saw it that way because in his mind, we were always happy, never fought and there were no troubles.  Alcohol has a way of providing a blissful fog where the details are not as sharp or cutting as they should be.  I resented that I felt it more than he did, but I digress….

 

I get frustrated with the whole online dating thing because it isn’t easy.  It isn’t peaceful. Some of the profiles I read are men looking for a woman that can dress up or down, she’s cultured, she’s slim and athletic, funny, etc.  However, most of these profiles are not the same as what they’re requesting.  I think something happens when we get older and the women become more calm and accepting and men become needy and high maintenance.  They are not soothing or comforting. 

 

Or maybe…I just haven’t found “the one”.  Perhaps online dating isn’t where I’ll find him.  But I know I don’t want to find him in a bar.  And I don’t want to pull an Arthur Fonzarelli and purposely crash my shopping cart into some poor, unsuspecting  handsome guy at my local Bel Air Grocery store…not that it wouldn’t work, but….. 

 

The bottom line is I’m 51.  I’d like to be in a committed relationship with a faithful guy who adores me and spend my last years in blissful peace, warm wind and a love that time will lie down and be still for.

 

Online Dating

How to react after the first date.

But this Online dating thing is kicking my butt.  You never know what you’re going to get and how they paint themselves online.  Some of the things I’ve come across:

• ·       I’ve had guys tell me they’d move to California to be with me…without having ever met me!
• ·       Tell me they love me after the first date….REALLY???  Oh be still my heart!
• ·       Go psycho because I haven’t called them within 24 hours after a date….What am I…NEW?
• ·       Go psycho because I didn’t respond the way they wanted me to from a text they sent. Oh, let me drop to my knees and thank God you’re interested in me.
• ·       Send messages about my beauty (my friends know that my beauty comes and goes) and not messages with substance that would appeal to my mind.  I guess they expect an insipid airhead.
• ·       Something about Zebra riding (I don’t make this stuff up),
• ·       Don’t look like their profile pictures, and play Rick Springfield on their Harley’s…I know every chick envied me that day!!!
• ·       Send the wrong texts to you that should’ve been sent to some other woman..Uh, ok…I know I’m not your only date, but really???
• ·       Scammers :

o   Stationed in Afghanistan, need to send a package, please sign for it, open it and pay yourself out of the money in the package..

o   Lives across the Country, willing to move for you, (I don’t wait for the shoe to drop regarding packages)

o   Stationed overseas….(cut them off at the knees, wasn’t going there again).

• ·       Elitist Snobs – Telling me in every conversation how much money they make, how much they spend on a bottle of wine, what tax bracket they’re in….what, did my profile say I was looking for a Sugar Daddy???

But lately, I’ve been finding that when I do meet them, they don’t call back.  So what am I doing wrong on the first date?  Am I too fat? Do I have something in my teeth? Do I say something wrong?  Do I give off a psycho weird vibe? Am I too independent, headstrong?  Or maybe I’m giving off an “unavailable” vibe that they sense.   

I feel like I’m ready for a relationship, that I’m ready for love, but maybe it’s my head that says it, and not my heart and they see that.  I’ve been playing around a bit, i.e. the unexpected hookup,  but nothing too crazy.  Just having fun, and knowing that I can is a great feeling.  BUT…..

That’s not all there is to life.  I want more. I want to be desired, pursued, etc.  I don’t want ground beef, I want Kobe beef.  Ah well.

Saying the Word "Christmas"

WARNING: Diz is on a Rant!!! – Read a post from a friend who stated that she was asked to sing in our holiday program at work and to pick a song.  She chose “Happy Christmas” and received a phone call informing her that “we” can’t say the word “CHRISTMAS”!   WTF???

As you may recall from a previous rant, I left the Holiday Choir at work over some Politically Correct (PC) crap about not signing “Rockin Round the Christmas Tree”. I argued that if they were so concerned about PC and diversity, they should send out a call letter to all employees around June/July asking what holiday songs they’d like to hear.  This would give us time to practice other songs and everyone would be represented.  I got shot down, so I left.

Now “Diversity” is preached consistently throughout my workplace.  But it’s become obvious to me that “Diversity” only applies to everyone other than Christians.  The definition of Diversity is “The condition of having or being composed of differing elements: variety; especially: the inclusion of different types of people (as people of different races or cultures) in a group or organization , etc.

This means that by excluding Christians and the word “Christmas”, it is in direct conflict with the word “Diversity”, which would make my workplace hypocritical.  Hmmm….will my workplace remove “Christmas” off the calendar in an effort to be diverse?  Will my workplace and our Government remove the “Christmas” holiday in an effort to be PC?

People….WE ARE TAKING THIS CRAP TOO FAR!!!!  I have no problems with the Christian or other religions and their customs or songs as long as there is no conflict between the religion and my Constitution or the laws of the United States.  But the backlash and hypocrisy of excluding only Christian beliefs to be “sensitive” to other religious beliefs is crap.  The Constitution does not and never will protect you from being offended!  It does protect everyone’s right to their religious beliefs. 

And my rant includes any college student who is offended by free speech, or the questionable history of any of our public figures.  Pull up your damned BigBoy/Girl panties and suck it up!  Or go home to your protected environment and leave the rest of us to trade our ideas and opinions in a respectful and thoughtful manner.  That is what college is for…expanding your horizons. 

And my rant includes any high and mighty Christians who want to be the judge and jury of your peers.  If you read your Bible, Luke 6:37 says "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  If you believe in God, you believe that you’ll stand before him one day when your time comes…so will everyone else.  Yes, I do judge, but I’m also not perfect..far from it….and I won’t be throwing the first stone. Well, unless I’m throwing it at the AntiChrist (and my friends know who I’m talking about). 

Deep breath….OHMMMM  ohmmmmm…

Gun Control

Given the spate of mass shootings, everyone is going off on their rhetoric, including the White House.  Basically, they feel that if they can get rid of guns, it would stop the perps from going to heavily crowded areas and shooting multiple people.

The bottom line is…we do not enforce the laws we have.  So why do people think that banning guns will give them any better results?  These are the things that are illegal in California (with the exclusion of Law Enforcement and Conceal Carry Permit holders):

·       Open carry

·       Carrying a loaded weapon

·       Weapon on Public Property or in Public Facility

·       Loaded weapon in vehicle

·       Unsecured handgun in vehicle

·       Shooting within 500 feet of an occupied dwelling

·       Automatic weapons

·       Explosive devices

·       Straw purchase or transfer

What do these laws have in common? Well, despite California having the strictest gun laws in the nation, they’re not enforced.  If they were enforced, we would not have the issues the nation is currently suffering from when it comes to gun violence…which is still on the decline and has been for the last 20 years.  Even enforcing the aforementioned laws would not have stopped the jihad killings in San Bernardino…even the White House admits this. 

Check out the statistics on the FBI website.  In their chart from 2010 to 2014 on the Expanded Homicide Data Table 8, Murder Victims by Weapon; total percentage DROP in firearms used was 8%. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much, but the Media would have you believe that this crime by firearms is skyrocketing and we’ve never experienced these numbers before.  An example of how to skew the perception:   Would you believe that explosives used to kill murder victims has increased by 50%?  50% PEOPLE!!!  We must ban all explosives!!! That’s increased faster than firearms being used for murder decreased!  

What I didn’t say was that in 2010, four (4) people were murdered with explosives…in 2014, it increased by two (2) to six (6) people.  Food for thought.

Cabo and Tahoe

So I see that I’ve been away from the online blogging for awhile.  It’s time to get back into it.  So many things to talk about.   As you may or may not know, I got two new Calico Kittens.  They’re sisters and were found in a dumpster.  I adopted them to help me think beyond myself and the house was too quiet (or too loud, depending upon perspective) with just me and my thoughts. 

I’ve named them Cabo and Tahoe (Thanks R) as these are my two favorite places to vacation and it suits their temperament. They are quite the handful and busted my chops the first day I got them by hiding in the dryer and not coming out for 14 hours.  I was so sure I lost them, that I downed a pint of ice cream.

The latest shenanigans that they got into ended up in Vet bills around $500.  Not sure what they were licking on, but they ended up losing the top layer of their tongues.  Now they’re on pain meds, antibiotics and eye cream.  I had to postpone their spay appointment till the 16^th.  In the meantime, the litter box training is going well.  I think I’ll introduce them to my bedroom this weekend, but only daytime visits until I’m sure they’ll head to the CatGenie.

Again...

We lost another sweet soul to cancer. When I first found out she had cancer, I was with the others...waiting for her to return. But I got tired of waiting...

So I started writing her.  I think I'm at my best when I'm writing.  I started regaling her with the naughty bits of my life...with the understanding that everything I wrote her and she read would be Vegas.  I was very descriptive...something I don't normally do with most people at work.  She was such a sweet soul, but for some reason, I felt like she needed a bit of the naughty to stop the doubts from rolling around in her head.

She rallied and came back to work.  But, it was short lived.  Once she found out the cancer was back, she retired.  I still wrote her.  I still told her all the stuff that I'd never want people at work to find out about me.  I still wanted to believe that a bit of the naughty would help her fight. She knows the in's and out's of the Cabo Cowboy...she knows about D from Washougal (and that I called him a vagina), she knows about the boytoy and my angst of never finding a love that will last forever.  Alas, it was not to be.  She knew she was leaving and accepted that...she went with grace. She made her peace with God.

I, however, have a difficult time with it.  I know this isn't going to be the last person I lose...no matter how much I wish it was. But I can't help but think there are more difficult roads ahead for me. I need all the guardian angels I can get, but I don't want them leaving me in life. I need them here. Cancer is unfair, it's insidious, it's demoralizing. Yeah, I know life isn't fair...I've always known it and lived with it.  But it always takes really good people!

I'm just venting here peeps. But it's things like these that make you treasure the little things.  This weekend...the day she died, I was holding my niece close, my nose buried in her hair and thinking right at that moment that I didn't want it to end.  That this moment is the epitome of my life...there couldn't possibly be a sweeter moment and I started to cry.  My niece looked at me and asked me..."Auntie, why are you crying?" I told her that they were happy tears and that she is such a treasure in my life.  Although she didn't get the words...she got the feeling and she clutched on to me and held me close...and we stayed like that...for quite awhile.

It's the little things, the scent of someone's hair, the trace of a touch on your skin, a sweet memory of life, of love...of what was, what could've been, what will be.

Ana was loved, she was respected, treasured. She will be missed and in the grand scheme of things, I think that if I can achieve the same, I won't be doing half bad.

The Ex

Tonight was about getting together with the ex and working on his will and health directive.  He's put me in charge of it all. I will be the one to make any decisions in the event that he is unable to.  I am the executor of the estate.  I wasn't really sure if he wanted me to be, or if his GF now held the power, but no...he wants me to do it.

He was stone cold sober, which is great...but his legs and stomach are so swollen with fluid. He's still yellow, so we know that his liver isn't functioning as it should. The doctor talked to him about a liver transplant if his liver doesn't start functioning again. Apparently, you have to get on a list now...even if you're not sure you need one.

However, in his situation, he'll be required to prove that he is alcohol free for 6 months.  This means random testing, etc.  I don't know that he's ever gone 6 months without alcohol.  I fear that one slip up could be his undoing. So what do I do?

His Dad is still tearing him down. And based upon what his GF talked about, although she may not be drinking in the house, she's bartending part time at a local watering hole...and drinking while there.  They are unwittingly (I hope unwittingly) undermining his efforts.

I've decided to pay his Dad a visit and make it extremely clear to him that I will not tolerate his abusive talk.  That I expect him to be encouraging or silent and that if he continues to tear his son down, then I will make it my mission to make his life a living hell if his son doesn't survive this journey. I have to do this...I need to do this.  I will not allow the Ex to be undermined..I will not allow anyone to damage his efforts.  If he fails, he fails due to his choices, not the people around him.  I will do everything in my power to ensure my Niece does not lose another male figure at this point in her life.

Sounds like I'm still married to him, huh?  I won't lie...I love him, and I will always love him.  I'm not in love with him and we'll never be "together" again. But we have a Son, and we have a future as Grandparents, and I need to do what's in my power to ensure the family stays a family.  Even if we're a divided one. My Son needs this, my Niece needs this...I need this. So, I'll suck it up and do what's necessary.

I just sincerely hope that I get a break soon, cuz I'm stressed to the max!