Out in Public with an Attitude....

So today, I ventured forth in this hat, with this button....

Yeah...I was coping a total 'tude.  I was in the mood to totally light someone up if they even thought about making a comment on my button. I know my rights!

Geez, sometimes I wake up with a freaking huge chip on my shoulder, and given that I didn't go to sleep until 3 a.m. after chatting with my BFF and ranting about "The Notebook" (see previous post) I can see why.  Plus, if I don't have morning sex, I'm going to be cranky anyway....wait...I never have morning sex! Damn it!

I'm doing my best to not obsess about certain things and to focus on others.  Right now, I'm looking for a used Bowflex so I can tighten the rest of my body.  I'm not an exercise fanatic, but I do my cardio in the mornings and I really want to do some kind of weights in the afternoon's when I get home from work.  I want to see how tight I can make this cougar body!  But I am not obsessive about my weight. Not anymore. I've wasted too many years on that, and there are other things that I can obsess about.

Now I'm trying to get the hang of this whole Google+ crap, since it's connected to my blogger account.  Not sure how it works, but I think they're trying to take the place of FaceBook, which is fine with me, as long as I can control the privacy aspect and make sure they don't sell my information.  People are really not savvy when it comes to the Internet.  I can usually find a person's address within 5 minutes.  Not to say that mine can't be found, but I do have some form of protection that NOBODY wants to confront, so I'm not too worried.

Anyway, I need to get my tushie into bed if I'm gonna be up at 3:30 a.m. making Vin Diesel (my StairMaster) my bitch. So I'm gonna finish up my Fireball shot, take care of business and hit the hay.  Until tomorrow....

The Notebook

I've always loved that song by Trisha Yearwood "The Song Remembers When".  It embodies most things in our lives.  How a special song, a movie, a favorite smell or food will bring us back to a time we may have spent with someone special.  And you hope that it makes you smile and evoke feelings that will give you your "highest highs".

Of course, I've learned that the opposite can happen...where those very same things will bring back bad memories or people that are best forgotten.  What about when it evokes feelings that you don't want to have because you really don't know how to deal with them?

It's that way for me and the movie "The Notebook".  I already didn't believe in "love at first sight", and it's that very same person whom I laid eyes on that introduced me to this movie.  Even from the first time I saw it, it was bittersweet for me.  How can I believe in a love so strong that it brought the characters "Noah" and "Allie" back together over and over again.  Even overcoming Alzheimers and a failing memory, and allowing them to exit this life together so they'd be together forever?

Love hurts. Love fails. I've learned the hard way that love is not enough. No matter how desperately I wanted to believe it.  There are so many songs out there about love..."All you need is love" etc.  But somehow my heart always gets twisted, stabbed, shot, stomped on, etc.  Ok, I admit that divorce has made me a bit bitter. But even before that, with the examples I've seen and experienced first hand, love still allowed people to get the shit kicked out of them.

Still, somehow I'm compelled to watch those damned sappy movies, and why may I ask, do I set myself up for the disappointment I know I'm going to feel at the end of the movie when the main characters do get together?  I know I'm going to scoff and shrug my shoulders with distain because stuff like that only happens in the movies.

So, "The Notebook" was playing on the Family channel and it was a special one with scenes not in the theatrical version, and I had to watch the last part of it. Why? Because it reminded me of him. It reminded me of how floored I was that he actually loved this movie, could actually quote lines from it and he totally believes in the possibility that true love could be this way.  Even after his own heartaches and the horrors he's seen and lived through. I am so much more skeptical, or perhaps the word is cynical.

Yes, I cried at the end.  Not just because Noah and Allie die in each other's arms...where they are meant to be.  But also because maybe a tiny part of my heart wants to believe that there is someone out there for me that could be my Noah. Someone who's love would be so powerful that it could break my cynical bonds and allow me to learn to love in the same way. But it still frustrates me!  It's like believing in fairytales.

So, like the bitch that I am, I shot off an email to this man and told him I had just watched "The Notebook" and I don't know "whether to hate you or to love you!"  It was wrong of me, I know.  But honestly...I really want to hate him for opening up the possibility to me. Worse....opening the possibility and then never having it happen and dying alone.  And I really want to love him for opening up the possibility and maybe, if I just believe hard enough, it will actually happen for me. God, it is so much easier to be a mean, nasty, heartless bitch.  It's so hard to actually have feelings and to care for someone...especially when you know that it's not going to happen for you.

I think it's time for me to go to bed....

Do People Really Go Back???

A couple of months back I was asked a question.  After separating and divorcing my husband, had we gotten together? I.E, had we had sex after the breakup? Really???  Do people actually have sex with their partners after breaking up with them?  I thought the question odd, and after asking around, realized that maybe, it wasn't as odd as it seemed.

However, this person really didn't know me or the history behind the divorce.  This breakup, unfortunately, was years in the making. While I can be a bit forward thinking when it come to sex and fun, I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to relationships.  In my mind, marriage is forever. That is what I went into it with and that is how I wanted it to be.  The ring on my finger signifies something.  It signifies the bond and the contract I made with my husband. I never thought I'd be divorced. I never thought in a million years that I would be the person asking for the divorce.

When I asked for the divorce, the marriage was irrevocably broken. It had been heading in this direction for years. I had stopped wearing my ring for about 4 years because it no longer stood for what it was supposed to.  No, I didn't cheat, I just checked out of the marriage.  When the ring went back on my finger, I thought that we were mending our relationship. That was not the case, and after my MIL passed away, I requested to end it. 

In my mind and in my heart, once it was broken, it was over. A phone call I had received snapped the marriage into two pieces, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not and would not bring those pieces back together. I could not go back. We actually vacationed together for a month in Cabo (see previous blogs in October, 2010) because we both needed the trip after Mom's death, Dad's pace maker and the Ex's broken femur.  That was a cruel lesson in how you just can't go back. He thought we'd get together, and I wouldn't let him touch me. It was a comedy of cruel errors and I know I ended up hurting him far more than had we not vacationed together.  I'm more of a black/white person, although I'm learning about grey areas.  To me, once it was over, it was over. The task of starting my life was in front of me and I couldn't taint that with the possibilities of what was once "us". 

It still hurts though. I wonder if I'm good enough. I wasn't good enough for my ex to quit drinking for me...I gave up children because of his addiction, but that wasn't good enough either. I wonder if a man will take me as I am.  I am a warped soul, with a warped sense of humor. I am blunt, I am stubborn, I have expectations, I have scars and they're not pretty when I'm naked. I am strong and opinionated. I am independent, but I need someone to hold me and tell me that I'm the one. I don't believe in fairytales, and I've experienced magic once last October. What is the chance that I could possibly experience it again? 

Can I go back? Fuck No! I can only go forward, but that step is a step into the vast unknown. A step that will require me to take chances.  A step that will force me to confront the very things that I don't want to confront. It will require me to bare my soul and I don't know if I can do that. Hell, I haven't bared my soul completely...ever!  How horrible is that?  I have some BFF's that know most of me, but there is a tiny bit that I haven't exposed, and I'm scared too. I'm terribly scared to tell someone that I'm willing to lay it all on the line for them.  My self-preservation is in high gear. 

Do people really go back?  I think some do, because they feel safe with the "familiar". They're in between stages of their lives and it's safer to fuck the person you know then to fuck someone different and have to deal with the things that go with that decision. But I've always been a person that wants more than a simple fuck. Yes, I'm not going to lie, I've enjoyed the "booty call", but it doesn't leave me satisfied. It's always been the risk that intrigues me. The risk that I might have to risk my heart, my soul, my core...everything for intimacy, for  mind-blowing orgasms and maybe even for love...if it's possible.

Weight Loss and Holidays

Everyone assumes that weight will be gained during the holidays.  Even my Doctor assumed I would be gaining weight when I was in her office a week after Thanksgiving for a toe injury.  The conversation went basically as follows:

Dr.: You’ve done a great job at keeping the weight off.

Me: Thank you.

Dr.: You know, with the holidays, you’re going to gain weight and you’re going to have to work hard to take it off.

Me (Out loud): Really?  I didn’t gain weight last year, and I’m not going to this year.

Me (Internally) Bitch! Why would you say something so demeaning without reviewing my chart to see if it’s necessary?

Dr.: Most people gain weight during the holidays, and you probably will too.

Me (Out Loud): Dr. I’ve worked too hard for this body, and my StairMaster has clocked too many steps for me to let it go now. I make sure that I only fluctuate within 5 to 10 lbs max. But thanks for caring enough for the warning.

Me (Internally): When I want your effing opinion, I will ask for it, SKANK! STEP OFF!!!

Even my Mother was discussing weight after the Christmas dinner I made her.  She’s on some kind of starvation kick and hasn’t been eating. I did the usual questions…Have you talked to your doctor? Is it your medications?, etc.  But my entire family has always been weight obsessed.  After talking with my mother, I realize she was taking her obsession too far.  So I responded back with…”What would you like me to do with this information?” She said that she didn’t know what I meant, to which I replied “Well, Basically Mom, you’re telling me that you’re committing suicide slowly by starvation, so are you asking me to take care of arrangements for you?” She thought about that comment for a moment. And then I told her “Do you realize that every conversation we have includes the topic of weight?” Little did I know that the present she put under my tree was for packing salads to work…another shot at my weight.

Well how’s this people….I’ve lost 10 lbs since my trip to Cabo in October, and I managed to lose 2 lbs during the holidays.  Please know, I am not trying to lose weight.  What I am trying to do is build muscle.  I want more muscle definition on my body, so in addition to my 45 minutes on the StairMaster (Vin Diesel), I started doing abdominal workouts.  I’m now looking for a used BowFlex to concentrate on the muscle aspect of my exercise and not just the aerobic aspect.  I’m 5ft 8 in and weigh 160 lbs.  I’m probably about 10 lbs overweight (according to weight charts), but I wear a size 9 in Junior and a Medium in women, so I’m comfortable with where I’m at.  Once I build some muscle, I’d like to see my weight around 150, but I’m not going to obsess over it.  I just want my body to be decently sculpted. 

Don’t get me wrong…I will never be a model and do not aspire to the wispy, willowy frame that you see on them.  I just want to be and look fit and healthy.  And to be able to kick someone’s ass$ if necessary!

I’m just frustrated with all the hype and inundation by the media that we look a certain way, and of course, it’s all airbrushed.  What’s worse is that my physician is just as obsessed and that is extremely unnerving!  Free your minds people, and concentrate on things like the freaks trying to take away my Second Amendment rights, or how the solution to the fiscal cliff now adds $42 dollars in additional spending to every $1 dollar of tax cuts. 

Oh, and for you men out there that love the idea of sweaty women after a workout…I leave you with this picture…and it isn’t pretty!

Friends

I am blessed. I don't know about you, but I'm lucky enough to have some really great friends...friends that I know would give their lives for me.

These are friends that have bled with me through the difficult times and share in the fun times.  I love it when my friends will tell me that I'm freaking crazy and that I need to drop the BS.  They are my compass in times when the needle is pointing due south!

It seems like the last three years of my life has had turmoil. A constant upheaval that has forced me to deal with things that I really don't want to deal with.  The outcome is that I am stronger for it, but my friendships are forged of steel. I've actually learned to cry in front of people (I'm not good at it, but I've done it) and let my feelings show more.  I've learned to ask for help, which has always been difficult for me. And my friends have been right here supporting me.

My home would not be what it is without the help of my friends.  They helped me tear down, throw away, haul, dig, etc. The outcome is more than I could've dreamed.

They listen to me rant and rave about my love life (or lack thereof) and help me make decisions. They let me know if I've been drinking too much tequila, and tell me to take it easy...or they drink as much as I do, and become blathering idiots with me.  They listen to my political diatribes and my rants about how our Country doesn't support our military like they should.

I'm really not sure what I did to deserve them. I don't know what I'd do without them. I honestly think that I'm alive today because of my friends.  So I'm sending out a heartfelt "Thank You" to my friends.  I love you all.

"Let's Go Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Us By Love"

In looking back over my blog, I realized the last time was just after my Nephew's death.  A lot has happened since then. I started updating my journals and actually writing letters (I'll get to that), but I seriously neglected my DizRant!

In the time away, I've divorced, gone through a boyfriend, completely renovated a house right down to the studs, and so much more. My New Year's Resolutions this year are to keep up with the Blog, let my control go when it comes to my private life and live in the moment.

The title of this blog comes from one of my favorite holiday movies "Love Actually". I really feel like that is exactly what love does...kicks the shit out of you! I'm usually ok with that...until recently. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend...for all of the right reasons. And then....

This man (We'll call him CC) opens a door and walks into the room, I lock eyes with him, and the world goes silent.  I actually stop talking in mid-sentence and I just follow his eyes as he walks in and then out the door. I don't actually see him, couldn't describe him to you, just those smoldering eyes. I don't believe in this "love-at-first-sight" crap, but I don't know how else to describe that moment. I knew from my core, that it was "On".

Now that a couple of months has gone by since that moment, I'm starting to pull my head out of my ass (sorry about the blunt speech, but this is how this blog rolls...).  I'm re-evaluating me and what I want out of a man. Do I think I'll have a future with CC? I would love one, but I seriously doubt it. Yes, we had fun and made some fantastic memories.  I will never forget the time I spent with him and it is because of that time that I'm re-evaluating things.  He taught me that I have to let go and that I can't control everything.  I have to be "in the moment" to actually enjoy what I'm experiencing.  He totally called me out on my bullshit and it was a total epiphany. But he has "set the bar" so damned high now.

Part of me wishes that I didn't meet CC, so I won't have ever known how fun, and exciting this feeling can be. But part of me is happy to have actually experienced it.  I gotta tell ya people...I was a COMPLETE idiot around this man.  I could not articulate one decent sentence or anything. My heart always beat a million times a second around this guy. Even my BFF said that I acted like I was 16 years old, and I didn't act that way when I was 16!

Those of you who know me, know that I analyze every stinking aspect of my life. I don't take chances and I weigh the pros and cons of everything! Yeah, well...not this time. I jumped in with both feet and my hands above my head screaming like it was my first time jumping off a diving board! Really Diz???? REALLY?  What the frak was I thinking?

Because I haven't been blogging, I've written letters to CC that he'll never read. Yes, I have his address and could actually send them now (another story), but the things I've written in these letters exposes too much of me.  I've told my BFF that if I take a dirtnap any time soon, she has to go into my nightstand and burn those letters for me.

The hard part is trying not to compare every man I meet with this one!  I also wonder if I see him now, will I have the same feelings I did then, or will I actually have my wits about me and be able to evaluate things on a normal basis.  Or maybe I just don't have a stinking clue as to what normal is anymore. I'm in uncharted territory.

I've actually met a really nice man a couple of weeks ago, but I'm wondering how objective I can be and if I've just set myself up for failure because I'm searching for something that just doesn't exist. I want it all! I want "happily ever after", fantastic sex, laughter and fun. I don't want to be solely responsible for taking care of a man, I want a joint effort.  I want to be a partner in a relationship. UGH!!!

And these are the thoughts that have plagued me for the last couple of months. I got the shit kicked out of me by love, and the worst part is....I don't even know if I'm happy about it or just plain pissed off.

Aching

There's a part of me that's died tonight. It's like a bitter pill that dissolves in my mouth, and I can't get rid of the foul taste of it. My nephew is dead. And there's so much more to this story then I should post.  But I can't. I've been strong all day. I've held his mother and father, I told my sister (who gave him up for adoption) that he's gone, I told my mother, but the worst part was telling my boy (his brother) that they'll never be able to finish their relationship. I want to scream from the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rail about the choices that were made that I couldn't control. I want to throw ashes on my head, like the women in biblical times.  I want to strike out and make someone hurt as much as I do. I want to give my life for another moment so my boy and the parents could have some more time with him. I want to die so I could have more time with him. But I need to be here for my kid and his sister. I keep screaming silently, so no one will hear me. But the screaming in my head is so loud, it's deafening.

I'm happy I was your friend, but I so wanted to be your Auntie. I so wanted you to know how very much I love you and that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. That alone in the night, I want so very much to understand your pain and to take it away. That I fought for your happiness, and thought you had it.  Your parents so love you. It broke my heart to see your mother fighting the heart-wrenching sobs over your loss. The vacant stare on your father's face considering the empty nothingness without you.

What kind of deal with God can I make to bring you back? Can I sell my soul to the Devil? What bargain can be struck to see your face again? Take everything, take it all. Take my life, my money, my house, my heart, my soul. I thought I gave it all when you left, but I was so wrong. I never thought my heart could be double-tapped like it is now. Rest in peace sweet boy.  I so love you.