Reveling in 3-D

My Beanster and I experienced Spider Man in 3-D. She's totally in awe and surprised that I had the TV for almost a year and never let on that it was 3-D capable!

It was her second Christmas Eve, so she unwrapped her gifts from her Uncle and from me. I so love to watch her having fun an the look of surprise on her face! Totally makes Christmas for me!

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World....

I have every other Friday off.  This Friday, I'm spending it with the most beautiful girl in the world!  As a matter of fact, I'm spending the entire weekend with her!  I just KNOW ya'll are jealous as hell and wish you could trade places with me.

This girl continues to keep me on my toes and when I think about unconditional love, it embodies what I feel for her.  I would give my life for her in a heartbeat! There is no obstacle that I wouldn't overcome to be able to bask in her presence!

Yes, it is my Niece Serene!  Although I call her Serenie Beanie (aka the Beanster)!  She is 10 years old and she's the light of my life. I've kept a tradition of taking pictures of the two of us together over the years, and here's a sample of us...

Our prints in front of the house.

As you can see there's been some changes over the years...she's grown taller and more beautiful, and I've shrunk in size.  There was a time when I wouldn't have posted any large pictures of myself, but life is short and I'm a different person (Serene, Damian, Christopher and Nathaniel are the reasons I decided to lose weight).

Can you see the light in my angel's eyes?  By the time this weekend is over, I'll be posting a couple of new shots of the two of us!!!  

Yes, I can actually post something light and fun!  Have a fantastic weekend my friends!

A Small Glimpse Into The Female Psyche

Ok, partial female…. I’m not a “Girlie Girl” per se. As much as I know how guys like that kind of thing, it just isn’t me. Now I make the exception when it comes to perfume and finger nails. A great fragrance covers a multitude of sins! My signature fragrance is one that both men and women will complement me on. When women feel compelled to grant you a solid, you know it’s not just good…it’s effing GREAT! I have my nails done because I do so much with my hands (i.e. type, play in the dirt, gardening, house, car, etc.) that they would look like complete crap if I didn’t. The bonus is that there isn’t a man alive that doesn’t love to have a woman’s fingernails run up and down his back… When a man purrs, you’re golden!

Other than that, I’m happiest with minimal amounts of makeup, clothes and sans shoes (usually in Mexico). However, I know the power of positive dressing and how it makes the difference between an unproductive meeting and a meeting that rocks. When I have important meetings with external customers or upper management, Dizzy refers to these as “Dance Monkey Dance” days. In the movie Zoolander (the first movie I saw after the fall of the twin towers) there is a scene where Derek is dressed up like a monkey with cymbals. He’s participating in a photo session, and the photographer is screaming at him to “Dance Monkey” and Derek is struggling to make the man happy. I feel the same way on “Dance Monkey Dance” Days (lets refer to them as DMD).

On these days, I’m a power dresser! I have all the makeup on, and I’m talking fashion model thick. The hair is in place. I’ve even got the lip liner on. I’m very monochromatic, preferring black and white, sometimes grey. If I need to throw off my audience (usually consisting of men) I’ll throw in a splash of red. Something about red triggers specific reactions that I need to play off of.

Oh, and I wear heels to heaven. According to the height chart at Kaiser, I stand 5 feet 8 inches. When I wear heels on DMD days, I go big or I go the fuck home! Usually 4 inches, and some have platforms on them. No matter how I’m feeling or how intimidated I am, I stride like I own the building, your house, car and you! It’s funny, but I get compliments on how confident I am, and if they only knew that I’m a freaking fraud. My stomach is in knots, my heart is racing, but by God, I’ve got a mission to accomplish and no one can help the fool that gets in my way! Any woman in my kind of position calculates the effect that she needs to have and adjusts accordingly. If your woman tells you different…..

Yesterday was one of those DMD days. I had a couple of vendors coming in and we had things to accomplish. I knew I was giving the effect I needed when I met the first person in the lobby. And yes, I towered and had the stride to match. Check out these shoes below! They were built for intimidation!

The meeting went well and everyone’s participation level was 100%...except for one person. This person had the nerve to be absent from our meetings for over 2 months, then come in and say that they won’t be ready for implementation by the end of June. You know those cartoon characters where the smoke comes out of the ears and nose? Yeah, that was Dizzy. I had to dig my fake nails into my arms to stop myself from unloading on this person in front of our guests. I managed to do it, but after the meeting was over and our guests gone…I was on a rampage! I got my management and their management involved (this person has a reputation of doing this kind of thing, hates women, and doesn’t like to relinquish control) and set up a separate meeting with key outside resources to refute the arguments as to why this person can’t bring their piece of this project to fruition by the end of June.

I absolutely hate showing my bitchy side at work. It’s extremely rare for me, and when I bring hell, everyone pretty much knows that something big is up. I like negotiating to get what I need, being friendly and personable, bringing the team together, etc. I’m pretty good at it and although I make mistakes, I’m requested for projects because my teammates and I work well together. BUT NOT THIS TEAM MATE! UGH! If I had a bottle of tequila at work, it would’ve been emptied and I’d have licked the inside of the bottle dry!

It’s days like these that I wonder what I’m doing in the field that I’m in. I’m one certificate away from Dive Master, and I think I’d like to retire giving dive tours in Fiji or Mexico and custom building websites on the beach. That totally sounds doable!!!

Just a side note….the men I “hang” with don’t have a problem with the heels (on the rare occasion I wear them outside of work). They’re confident, even if I’m taller with the heels on. And I don’t have a problem if my man is shorter than I am. I’m with that man for a reason…and height has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with why I’m with them! I stride by my man’s side with a smug look that says…”Yeah, I’m satisfied and don’t you wish you were too?”

How DARE You Presume!!!

I can't fucking stand men who presume they're going to "nail" me!!! REALLY??? Who fucking died and made you "God's only gift to women"?

If you presume you're going to nail me, you're the last man on earth I'm going to engage in sexual congress with! I'm not going to touch you with a 50 foot pole!  And if you even think you're going to put your hand on me, you can ask the last asshole what happened to his sorry ass!!!

Yes, an idiot tried to force his way into my bedroom in November.  If he wasn't the brother of a friend, I would've shot him.  As it was, he ended up hitting the concrete floor in the hallway. I do not ever presume that I am going "nail" a guy (I'm using the word 'Nail' because that is the word he used). I may hope, I may scheme, I may use my feminine wiles, but I NEVER presume.  I respect my partner way too much for that...even if it's a damned booty call.

Oh, and what a turn on it is for me to hear that you're going to "Nail" me. Gee, lay me in the mud right now you big fucking stud! NOT! I can't even believe that any woman would let you get away with that line! You are so lucky you're not standing in front of me.

I will tell you right now, I will never let a man (or woman) force themselves on me and if that means I end up severely damaged or dead, then so be it.  But I'll tell you one thing....I'm going to take the biggest chunk of flesh out of you and you are going to rue the moment you touched me!

Ok...Dizzy is calming down now....deep breath....wait....I need a drink. Fuck it! I'm swearing off men!  I have a toy and I know how to use it!

Someone Who Gets Me!

So a friend created a Gmail account and wanted her friends to wish her brother a happy birthday. This is what I wrote:

"Hey ###... Remember how we used to play tag in the park, go down to the local burger joint and share some fries and a milk shake together? Remember the first stolen kiss you gave me under a big brilliant moon, and you held me close and you said we would be together forever??

I don't either, but that won't stop me from wishing you a very happy birthday!"

His reply back:

"Thank you for reminding me of those special moments that never were. Those times that we nearly but never spent together remain some of my most prized fabricated memories, even better than the time that I hit that winning homerun for the Giants in the World Series. That was a bittersweet moment, of course, as you were off collecting your third Oscar and missed my big moment. But we lived and we learned and we loved, nauseating everyone around us with our cloying affection for each other. Ah, those weren't the days!

Thanks for the birthday wishes!"

My reply:

"You got me in stitches over that reply! Thanks for appreciating my warped humor Birthday Boy!"

His reply:

"Warped? I thought that yours was the only normal one. It was definitely "Best in Show." If you ever feel the need to share more random streams of weirdness, my primary email address is #######. Just make sure you use the heading "Nigerian Princess Needs Your Help...Big $$$ For You!!!," as I always respond immediately to those."

I always love it when somebody actually "gets me". I foresee a fun friendship with lots of laughs.

A Klutz that Works Out!

I ended up falling, but not quite hitting the floor.  My shoulder smashed into the door entry and I ended up with another mark on my knee.  Really Diz...REALLY?????  WTF!  This is the same knee that I manage to scrape a large swath of skin off of in Cabo (we won't discuss Dizzy's intake of tequila that night...) and then...

On November 15th, I freaking slid on a penny in the cafeteria at work. I was striding pretty quickly and couldn't stop the forward momentum. I hit the floor with the aforementioned knee, fell on my ass in a skirt, and while sliding, took down a yellow caution sign and slid into the wall. I was laughing so hard, sprawled on the floor trying to wave away the 6 guys there to help me up! Could I be any more of a klutz???  Thank God I don't break easily!

The Cabo mark is almost gone, the pink at the top of the picture is the penny slide, and the scratch I just did.  If I ever want to impress a man with my gracefulness....I should just go home!
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Yesterday, I picked up a used BowFlex for $100 and did my first workout on it.  I did the Advanced training circuit since I'm in good shape (well, except for the knee maybe).  Today was the second day, with a different set of exercises.  I'm so in love with the thing.  However, it doesn't have a name yet.  The StairMaster is "Vin Diesel" so what do I call the BowFlex?

I have a thing about naming my exercise equipment.  When I can make Vin Diesel my "bitch", I feel like I actually accomplished something.  I've just upped my cardio to an hour (used to be 45 min), so I'm up at 3:30 a.m. and whipping that out.  I come home and do the BowFlex.  I'm leaning toward "Colin Farrell"!  That way, both Colin and Vin will be my bitches!  Got any suggestions Peeps?  The winner's name will get used.

It's not difficult for me to get up at 3:30.  Since I got back from Cabo, I have not slept the entire night through. I think it's because I miss my JazzyKat.  I started thinking about it, and I don't think I've slept without a cat since I was 16 years old, with the exception of being on vacation and the time it took for me to get the house done and my cat back.  Last night, I took some melatonin and crawled into bed around 6.  I figured I'd watch a movie, then go to sleep. Well, I fell asleep during the movie, and woke up at the end...around 8 p.m. Then I was back to my usual routine...up for a couple of hours, sleep for a couple of hours, etc.  I hate continually waking up in the middle of the night.  It would be ok if there was someone to play with, although they'd get tired of me waking them all of the time....

Ah well, I must exit stage left...I'm going country line dancing tomorrow, so I'll have to let ya'll know how it went.  I LOVE to dance, but with my klutziness, I could seriously be dangerous to other people right now.  I'll let you know how it went.

A Man Eater with Standards...Damn it!

So at work, a couple of my co-workers have taken to calling me a “Man Eater”. I’m not really sure why because I was with my ex-boyfriend for about a year and a half, and before him was the ex-husband.

After I met CC and the bar got set higher, it seems that all these guys (most of them starting with the letter “J”) are coming out of the woodwork. They’re not really my type of guys and I really think that I’m not their type of girl. I think they’re not used to “my type” aka “Conservative, gun toting, crazy, patriotic, outspoken, wicked sense of humor, bitch! I think I’m so off kilter for them, that they have to check it out. I mean, who else would put together a Universal Emergency Underwear Repair Kit for the Cheezy Christmas celebration??? I didn’t win either, damn it!

So on FaceBook, I had a discussion with a liberal that wants to impinge upon my 2nd amendment rights. We went back and forth in the discussion and we agreed to disagree. Then this morning, I posted a YouTube segment called “The Warrior Song – Hard Corps” (incidentally, the song is available from iTunes so I downloaded it for a bitchin workout song…). You can check it out here… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sam4lq2WHos&sns=em

After posting the segment, I got a message from the aforementioned liberal that read “Good grief, cute with a leprechaun mentality. Spells trouble from the word go! Boy, I feel sorry for Joe. LOL! I had no idea you were a Marine. Damn, you are fun to know and one day I would like to bump into your sidearm. LOL”

WTF??? I’m not a Marine….Maybe a wannabe, but I never said I was a Marine. I showed the message to my friend Sharon (who calls me a Man Eater) and I said “I’m a Man Eater with Standards Damn It! I don’t do liberals!” And we freaking busted out laughing! So this is what I messaged back and no, it wasn’t for general FB viewing….

“I’m not a Marine. I’m an avid military supporter, my kid was in the Army and I “did” my first Marine a couple of months ago. Was never into dating military guys, but this one threw me for a loop. And just so you know…I don’t do liberals!” I am still laughing over this exchange. He messages back….

“Who the heck doesn’t support ‘em? You had to sleep with one for that? That’s funny. Ok, now I have to add you to my address book!” This guy is a glutton for punishment!

I think Dizzy needs to learn to keep her trap shut! But OMG, I just couldn’t help myself. P.S. No, I am not doing a special kind of “service” for my Country, so don’t contact me asking for it or I will hunt you down and kick your ass! And on that note…Here’s one more plug for the Corps!