It Doesn't Take Long....

After a nice, extended weekend with the Cabo Crew....it doesn't take long for real life to come crashing in and letting you know that it never really left.  It just waited outside the door until you open it and it can smack you back in the face.

First...the July 4th weekend.  OMG, so much fun! R and K really pulled out all the stops and were such great hosts!  They opened their home to all of us, took us boating and to dinner...twice!  The Edgewood buffet for the 4th was the BOMB!  Delicious food, great company and the scenery in Tahoe is to die for.  Don't forget the fireworks...awesome.  It was my only opportunity to get really smashed (as I did a lot of designated driving...and I'm totally ok with that) and I didn't disappoint.

It's rare for me to get so wasted to the point that I cry...but I did.  Although I remember why.  We're sitting in the cab for the ride home, I got a hot ginger on my lap, but I realize that everyone in the Cab has someone.  They're looking at their significant others and are happy, laughing, sharing the moment...Even the single buddy of mine is texting her guy on her cell...and I don't have anyone.  Worse, the two guys who's interest I do have are complete morons!  One in a state of transition, and the other, I walked away from, but he just doesn't want to let me go.  On top of that, he won't stop contacting me, but he won't follow through.  So I ignore him, but it hurts.  With everything going crazy in my life, it would be nice to have a guy that's totally into me and can prove it....a guy that puts me first, and I don't think I've ever had that.

So this realization smacked me in the face...and tequila pushed me over the edge, and I'm crying about it. When we get back to the house, I realize I need to walk this shit off and suck it up.  My friends are having fun and I'm bringing them down. So that's what I do.  I crank up the Rock, and walk.  I feel better when I get back, but the rest of the weekend, I was looking at my friends in a whole new light...watching how they interact with their significant others, and how content they are.  I'm envious but not jealous.  I have to believe that it will happen for me one day.

My friends bought my lunch on the last day, and my two copper mugs for Moscow Mules.  How awesome is that? I hated to see them leave.  It's so hard to believe that we could meet a group of people on a Cabo vacation...and still be friends two years later.  That is a blessing.

When I get back...I'm dealing with all of the work stuff, having to bring the hammer down and light the fires...but that is what Project Managers do.  I have the draft will ready for the ex, so he'll be by with his girlfriend tomorrow and we'll discuss it. My Mom is having rent issues, so I'm having to battle the manager of her place.  I pay the rent, but they want to tell me my bank didn't pay on time (I've done autopay for the last 6 years and never had an issue)..WTF!

The cousin still has issues, and although I've thrown out a reasonable solution..I don't think she'll take it.  But I have to walk away and let her do what she's gonna do.  The boy's birthday is next week, the anniversary of my nephew's death is the week after, and I'm still thinking about the MIL's death anniversary from last month (June 23rd).

It's her home I live in...although I've made it my own.,..AND I LOVE IT!!! But I think of her all of the time. I miss her. I miss the Mom figure that totally got me and embraced me and truly loved me.  I'll never again have that, and I miss it and really want a Mom right now.  I'm 50 fucking years old, and want a Mommy to hug!  I want all the issues to miraculously vanish...at least for a little while. If wishes were horses...then dreamers would ride.

Dizzy Down

I'm not really sure how much more I can take

• FSR deadlines
• Project deadlines
• Brother in law's death
• Friend in hospice for cancer
• Anniversary of Mom's death
• Ex hospitalized for Advanced liver disease due to drinking
• FIL smack talking...accusing me of cheating on the ex 
• Mom needing more babysitting (she takes in every stray person that comes her way)
• Cousin issues

There's more, but I think I've made my point. This morning, even though I was awake by 6:30 a.m., I kept my ass in bed till almost 11.  All the doors and windows were open, there was a breeze blowing through the house, and I just laid there.  

It wouldn't be so bad if some of the things happening had good outcomes. But my friend being in hospice means she's dying. My ex refuses to acknowledge his problem is as serious as it is and in my heart I know that if he doesn't do something, he will die. I have the burden of trying to make sure our son's inheritance is intact, because he hasn't done it yet.  And despite it all, I still love him and always will.  I just couldn't watch him go out the way he's choosing to.  Turns out, I still have a front row seat. 

I need peace. I want someone I can lean my head on and breathe and know that everything will be alright. I don't like feeling I'm alone.  I know I'm not, and I have great friends (really more like family) that help keep me grounded. But they have their own lives.  I'm not sleeping at night because I can't shut my head off.  A million thoughts are ping ponging against the walls of my brain and I'm having a hard time just grabbing on to one. 

I notice I'm starting to turn to my addiction...food...to cope. But I'm not going out that way either. So I'm battling my compulsive behavior on top of everything else.  I just need to win at something here.  The only time I'm outside of my head is when I'm playing with R. He's fun. But...

I'll hold on though cuz I'm the strong one. I'm not allowed to fail. I can fail at the small things, but not the large ones. I can fail at my love life, but not at protecting the boy, the niece, Mom.  Although truth be told...we already know that they've been hurting and I haven't been able to prevent it. 

Ignore the ramblings of the cray cray chick. Dizzy's down. But she's not out.  She'll pick herself up and kick the shit out of life, cuz that's what she has to do.

Cancer Rears It's Ugly Head...

Yet again!  A friend is in hospice. The doctor says she has less than a month. She has battled this insidious disease and beat it once, but...

It's disheartening to think that another battle is lost and cancer wins again. These next 30 days are shitty days for someone to die.  I'm tired of losing people  between June and July.  I guess maybe I'm just plain tired period. The older I get the more I lose.  If death wasn't part of the equation, I would enjoy growing old.

Work is a bitch right now...my project is suffering due to my divided attention to a different project my management has put me on.  I hate neglecting my team and I hate not giving 100% because  can't give 100% to both.

I need a beach people.  Not sure I can wait till January!

What Does It Take?

Things are going ok.  And I have these moments where I look around and think that it can't be any better than it is at this moment.  But I also wonder...why do things happen the way that they do?

I have a cousin that is disrespectful and thinks the world revolves around her. She's too good to apologize because she has every reason in the book to act the way that she does.

I have a man that after almost 3 years, he's unwilling to let me go, but unwilling to pull the trigger.  I've made it clear that I'm not waiting around and that I'm seeing other people.

I have another man that is obtuse!  He can't see beyond his nose and doesn't think twice about the way he treats me.  I'm not sure if it's just me, or all women.

And I have a young man that I'm just not sure where it's headed.  I think it's just sex and we have fun together.  But then he shows his "Dad" side and gives this picture of his life that...well, you wouldn't necessarily do if it's just sex.  I don't know. Maybe what confuses me is...ME.  Am I narrow minded in thinking that there couldn't be anything between us other than sex?  The age difference is huge, and I saw first hand what it did to my in-laws.  Yes, I know what he sees in me, but that could change with time. Time is the enemy of the body and the mind.

And then there's the Ex.  I got a call from the boy yesterday, and I can tell from his voice that he's not happy with his Dad. His Dad hasn't been calling him back, even though he's been leaving messages. He's really upset because of something I caused and didn't realize.  I was talking to the ex and asked if he'd talked to the boy and heard the news.  He said no, and I said that we knew what the sex of our Grandchild was.  I went ahead and told him, kind of feeling bad that it wasn't the boy doing it.  When I confessed to the boy what I did, he told me that he had already told his Dad and that he was upset that his Dad didn't remember. He's still upset about it and I can feel the hurt.  This is what I've tried to prevent all of these years. I worked my ass off so the boy would never know what a raging alcoholic his Dad was.

Now, I can't stop the hemorrhaging that's happening right before my eyes.  I can't stop my boy from hurting over the only Dad that's ever meant anything to him, and I can't stop his Dad from ruining the only relationship worth holding tight to.  He's already kissed our marriage goodbye, but the boy chose us to be his parents. He CHOSE as an adult for us to adopt him. Now, due to my husband's addiction, he doesn't see the harm he's causing our boy...and I feel powerless to stop the damage that's being done. We are going to be Grandparents, and the ex is missing the whole adventure.

Some things are spinning out of control. And I'm admitting that I'm powerless to stop it.  And I hate being powerless.  But it is what it is.

Disconcerted

I'm a little off tonight. I'm in need of a little magic. You know...true magic. The kind that comes from someone who truly loves you.  The kind that comes from a 12 year old girl who's laughter tinkles like the sound of crystal bells. Who's eyes light up and shine when you're reflected in their depths. With a heart big enough to overcome the biggest obstacles.

I'm hurting a little, and I'm so tired. I know it's gonna get worse in the next few weeks due to the pressures at work, among other things. I'll write about the other things later, because I'm so pissed off and biter about it that it'll come out wrong and very vicious. And I really don't like myself when I think that way.

I have piano playing on the Bose and the french doors are open. I've cut the lawn and the yard looks pretty in the sunset. The breeze is blowing and you can hear the leaves rustling in the trees. It's evenings like these that I really love my home. I'm so blessed and lucky with the friends and family that helped me create this little piece of heaven. And I'm grateful to Mom Trafton for giving it to me.  I wonder if she's here and sees it.  I wonder if she likes it. I think she'd be just as happy here as I am.

I have a couple of things left to do to finish it off, but it may take a little while.  In the meantime, I love what I have.

And on that note, I'm going to bed. The morning comes early, and there's a lot demanding my attention at work.  Must be rested.  G'nite peeps.

Can I Pick Em??? Or Can I Pick Em???

So the men in my life (with the exception of the youngest) has been causing me grief. We’re gonna have to break this down Dizzy style and see if we can make any sense to it.

Let’s start with the one I’ve know the longest, ET. ET I’ve known since my junior/senior year of high school. He was the best friend of my GF’s BF, so we ended up a lot of places together.  We never hooked up, but we knew how to have fun.  Fast forward to about 6 years ago.  Ended up finding each other on FB and meeting up together with my GF to reminisce about the old times.  We’ve stayed fast friends…perhaps a bit more than friends.  We’ve played around, etc.  We have fun together and I’ve helped him out of some tough situations, but when it comes down to pulling the trigger, he’s self-conscious about the fact that he isn’t as established as I am, and his career in the medical field is just now coming to fruition.  He always says that he wants more to offer me, and I continually tell him that I’m self sufficient.  As long as he takes care of himself and his daughter, he doesn’t have to worry about me.  So he takes me to dinner on Sunday night, and we have a great time.  Although we do not do the ‘naughty’, we do smooch, etc.  He tells me I’m a real woman, but again, he tells me that he has nothing to offer me.  Oh and, do I know how much he loves me?  What?  If you love someone, don’t you want to do everything you can to be with that person?  I’m not buying it.

Then we have the Cabo Cowboy.  He’s not really in the picture, because I needed to move on and he was unwilling to sacrifice for the relationship.  It is what it is.  However, he continues to contact me, email, send music videos, etc. He says he still cares for me, wants to be in the picture, but again…blah blah blah blah. Actions speak louder than words my friend.  No action?  No deal!

Enter Cabo 2013.  He’s been in and out of the picture for the past couple of years. First he’s interested, then he’s got a girlfriend.  When I give him the space he needs for this girlfriend, he calls me up drunk telling me he doesn’t want to be friends because I stopped calling him. When I explain that I still want to be friends, but I didn’t want to encroach upon his new relationship, he gets it and all is forgiven.  They only last a couple of months and then it’s over, so 2013 starts back in the “when are we gonna get together” track.  I’ve written about our series of mishaps, but to make a long story short….I’ve been to his neck of the woods 3 times.  The first night of the first time was freaking awesome (it was a 4 nite trip).  Everything after that didn’t happen…and it was due to his unwillingness to ask, pursue, etc , and dealing with the loss of his wife.  

Now he says that he would be receptive to a visit from me and we’ll make things happen…Oh, but no guarantees.  And I’m his until someone better comes along for him.  What???  Are you kidding me?  So I’m completely honest with him and tell him how I feel.  I tell him that after a life of pursing and trying to please the men in my life, I’ve had enough.  I want to feel wanted, I want to be pursued.  I’ve already been to see you three times in the past year, you haven’t come to see me once.  I get that this is a long distance relationship, but we agreed long ago that we were not making any promises to each other and it didn’t need to be said…nor did the ‘someone else’ comment.  I’m rather pissed about the whole thing because basically, I’m ok to have sex with, as long as I go to him.  I’m not worth traveling for.  Well, I’m sorry Baby, but when I weigh paying $300+ for a plane ticket to see you for sex, not to mention the other things I’ll be spending money on, versus getting it for free locally, well….it’s a no brainer. You’ve done nothing to distinguish why it would be worth it.  You don’t even treat me like a good friend.

Ok, I saved the best for last.  The youngest. He’s 35, fun, great looking, good job, lives locally (right??? I’m growing up..kinda) and he’s taken the time to get to know me and pursue me.  Yes, he knows there’s a 15 year age difference between us, but when I ask him about it, he says its part of the appeal.  It turns him on.  We talked for 2 months before we got together. And OMG, this guy is HOT!  I don’t need to get into detail here, but youth is a freaking fantastic thing! This guy can go all night, and is confident enough to let me do me.  

Now that I’ve reached the age that I have, I have not been inhibited in the bedroom. I just let it go because, quite frankly, it is what it is. My body is what it is, and if my partner is turned off by it, there’s the door.  This guy keeps coming back for more. He’s constantly calling and sending me sweet texts, naughty texts, fun texts, and we just have fun laughing. Plus, he’s a lifetime NRA member.  What’s not to love?  Don’t get me wrong folks…I’m aware that this is not the “Happily Ever After” relationship.  This is the “Let’s have fun and see how long it lasts” relationship”.  Letting go of expectations is making this one fun ride.

Bottom line is…I need to make some adjustments to the way I do things because “I am the common denominator” in all of these relationships. I’m not sure what it is that I need to tweak on myself, but I do know that I’m putting my foot down and not doing the pursuing and saving of the relationships anymore.  Stick a fork in my ass and call me done! I’m realistic enough to know that I don’t possess Ms. America looks, or Paris Hilton money, but I’m decent looking, I’m smart, I make my own money, I own my own home (well…the bank does, but you know…), I have a wicked sense of humor and I’m fun.  I’m not clingy, I don’t harp, and I’m pretty laid back.  If these guys want a woman that is high maintenance, so be it.  I’m not changing myself to be that person.  Fuck that Shit!  I know there’s someone out there for me that will appreciate what I have to offer, and vice versa. 

Rant over...G'nite Peeps!!

Been Awhile...

I see the last post was about crossroads. So perhaps an update is in order.

I passed on the 47 year old.  He was fun and all (No, he didn't get lucky with me), but he wasn't willing to go all out for me.  What I mean by that is...I want a man to want me, and not just sexually.  I want him to make an effort because I'm worth that.  I'm always the one to make the effort, to plan and do the fun stuff.  I'm always the one to make myself available.  Well, I'm tired of that shit. I want someone to pursue me, to make the damned effort.

Believe it or not, it seems to be the 35 year old that is willing to do that. He's cute, he's fun, he goes the extra mile, he calls and texts.  And he doesn't live far! Ok, ok...I get I'm a Cougar and I'm 15 years older, but he's cool with it and we're having fun.

Do I think there's a future here? What, are you kidding?  He's 15 years younger, for God's sake.  But I decided to just let it go and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. There won't be marriage, and there won't be a long term relationship, but there will be FUN!  Screw the naysayers!!!