BEEN A LONG TIME....

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I posted. The only excuse I can use is that “life got in the way”. Been scrambling to get a home loan to complete the repairs/remodel needed on the CH house.  I finally get one through Paramount Equity and the home appraises much lower than expected.  What does this mean for me?  Well, the add-on to the house may have to wait (I was going to extend the great room into the carport), but I can do everything else inside the house, so I should be ok.  What I figure I can do is go ahead and renovate what I have, put the new solar on the roof, then have the house re-appraised and get a re-finance at a bigger amount and then get the room done.  My contractor says in his opinion, we haven’t seen the end of the housing crash and thinks that interest rates will dip even lower this summer/fall, so I could possibly beat my current interest rate of 4.75%. 
 
In the meantime, I’m going to have a huge sheet-rock, interior gutting party and supply pizza and beer.  I’ve already got some great buddies lined up to assist, so I’m psyched about that, and that will save me a huge amount of money to put toward the remodel.  What would I do without friends?
 
The cool thing is the Soon-to-be-Ex and I are getting along. He’s been helping me out as far as the loan stuff, meeting with the appraiser and getting his share of the divorce paperwork done.  He’s not happy about it, but he is being chill. The only thing that bothers me is that he’s still refusing to take responsibility for his part in this.  He knows that he bears it, but when he speaks, it’s always something else.  In his words, he “married an independent woman so this is part of the outcome”.  I corrected him and said that I’m not divorcing him because I’m independent.  I wanted to be an independent married woman. I’m divorcing him because I finally drew a hard line in the sand and he crossed it. My fear is that even this life-altering event will not stop his addiction and it will be hard to watch him deteriorate…even from a distance. I’m not divorcing him because I don’t love him anymore…I do still love him.  I’m divorcing him because the decisions he makes while under the influence of alcohol impact my life and future, and I can’t let him do that anymore.
 
On the upbeat, my having to stress my independence has given me confidence.  I’m still scared, but it’s the healthy scared..not the paralyzed scared I was feeling last summer.  A person never really knows what they’re capable of until they have to face their demons.  That whole “fight or flight” thing kicks in.  Well Ladies and Gentlemen….if I’m going down…I’m going down fighting, and I’m taking chunks out of my opponent as I go!
 

Roll with the Changes

We all make decisions that can change our lives. Sometimes we don't know we're making them, or the impact that it will have until much later. I'm rolling with my changes. There's a lot for me to do and although I think I have to do them quickly, maybe I don't. Maybe I can just take my time and savor the feeling.

It's Christmas time, and the lights are out and people generally have a feeling of good will. Although you always hear the mall stories about people fighting over the last toy. Thank God, I was never that kind of obsessed shopper. I love the smells in the air and the Christmas music, I love watching people do nice things for others. I love performing random acts of kindness and watch the rippling effect. Although to be honest, I do the random stuff all year around so I can selfishly enjoy it. This next year will be very different for me. Although I'm never alone because I'm lucky enough to have friends as family, it will be different not having that significant other by my side. It will be one of many challenges that I will face for 2011.

I know that all of you have challenges to face this next year also. I'm looking forward to facing them together. So while we're all enjoying our Christmas dinners, let's make sure to say a prayer for our service men and women who won't make it home and their families that support their efforts. We are truly a blessed nation, despite our faults and our troops fight to make sure we stay that way. If I don't get the chance to blog before hand, Merry Christmas my friends. Each of you are my greatest gift and I couldn't want for more with you by my side.

Pissing and Moaning...

It's a Sunday nite. I'm lying in bed it my iPhone 4 locked in to the "In Your Face" stand (if you don't have one, it's a must!), which is clipped to a coffee table book that is acting as a stand and my keyboard on top, plugging away. I'm sipping a nog on ice that's more brandy than nog.

I was going to rant about a bunch of idiots who want to be politically correct about Christmas carolling at work, but I'm tired of the subject and am tired of wasting my breath. I already warned ya'll that I will be discussing all aspects of divorce, so here goes another aspect.

At what point, when trying to separate yourself from your soon to be ex-partner, do you stop feeling like a complete asshole? I've done most of my Christmas shopping already and I took care of what the Boy was going to receive and I get a text from the EX asking what we're doing for the boy. I said that I've already send him something and I don't know what he's doing for him. I don't want to be a complete bitch about things, but I also want him to take me seriously about separating our lives. It's almost like he wants to separate our lives when he feels like it's making a point (usually about money) but not when it's about "looking like a couple" to the world. Whatup with that???

I'll have to admit that I'm harboring some resentment because I've always done most of the Christmas shopping and planning. I always put up the tree and decorated it. I always made a huge fuss and I enjoyed it for the most part. It would've been nice to have some help, but I love the pomp of it all. Now, when it's time to take care of our own stuff, he wants me to go in on something so he doesn't have to handle it.

I'm just being petty and being a bitch, but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm tired of being responsible. I don't think I've stopped being responsible since I was 10.

My Mom said something today that kinda brought that home. I have a Dr. Appt. tomorrow and she kept asking what kind of appointment it was. I said its routine stuff. She said that Mom's never stop worrying. What is she talking about? She's never worried about me. She's always known that I handle everything. It's like once I got to a certain age, she could abdicate the worrying to me because I'd take care of it...and I have. It must be so convenient to be able to wipe your slate clean and start each day anew. Both my Mom and Sister have that knack...I don't.I remember everything.

Ah well..."And this too shall pass". Took care of some business today, got the laves off the driveway, cut some wood. Getting a cord delivered tomorrow and will be splitting some of that. With all the time off the EX has had, you'd think he'd take care of that too, but no....that's me. "See if you can get a cord of wood and we'll split the cost"...yeah whatever. I need to take a chill pill and find a man with large hands to take this stress off my shoulders. Dare to dream.

Sexting

Ok, so I've been initiated into the world of "sexting".  Ok, it wasn't recently, I'll say in the past year or so.  But it's happening more and more frequently.  Now those of you who know me, know that I love to write.  I like the old fashioned pen-to-paper writing, the scratching sound, the smell of paper, finding just the right pen with the proper ink flow, etc. 

 

This sexting is a genre of its own.  Is it healthy to sext? Can it come back and bite you in the ass? Is there any way to program your sexts to self-destruct after the reader has enjoyed it and lit their cigarette? In this world of technology, do I really want a trace of my warped, sexual fantasies flowing around in the techno ether?   Will the reader respect me in the morning…Ok, that's a loaded question; they may have never respected me… But I think you see what I'm getting at.  It was one thing to call someone and give them a verbal spanking/etc, but it's an entirely different matter to leave physical evidence of it.

 

I'm nervous when I do it because I'm not sure what's going to happen with those naughty little tidbits I put out there.  It requires a certain amount of trust. That's something I have a difficult time with.  On the other hand…

 

I won't catch a disease sexting, well, not a physical one anyway;

I don't have to worry about who picks up the check,

I don't have to gnaw my arm off to get away,

I don't have to cuddle…unless my kitty is up for it…

There's no commitment, marriage, expectations, etc,

It doesn't matter if I'm having a bad hair day,

I can drink a margarita, watch a movie and sext at the same time…wait a minute…

 

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Love Actually

On this Thanksgiving, I've finished eating a wonderful meal and am watching the sappy movies I always pull out during this season. As the title of the blog says, I'm watching the movie "Love Actually". But I'll get to that in a minute.

I'm so very thankful for my family and friends. My friends have kept me going when I thought that maybe I don't have the strength to embark on this path I've chosen, or maybe I'm wrong and I should go back to the same ole thing. My friends keep my head on straight and tell me when I'm full of shit or when I'm doing the right thing. And I'm blessed enough to have friends as my family.

As much as I've bitched and ranted, I am thankful for the 18 years of marriage and the 24 years of friendship with Norm. He is a good man and he's behaving honorably through this divorce. He's taught me a lot and no matter what, I know in my heart that love is always there.

So this Thanksgiving was spent on thinking about those very things and eating a nice meal. Now, why watch "Love Actually"?? Well, I always pull out the fun, romantic Christmas movie at Thanksgiving or after. Ok...here's the sappy part. As much as I feel like I've been stomped on and fucked over when it comes to love, there's a tiny spark inside of me that wants to believe that the "sun always shines on TV", that wants to believe in the whole "Happily ever after" crap. My head says that's not going to happen and I need to be smart and sensible. Romance may not be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously through these damned movies.

If I fail to find joy in these movies, does that mean magic dies? Does it mean that there's no hope for me, or for my heart? While I loved my husband, he really wasn't much on the romance, or magic side of the relationship. It was me. I created the fun, the sparkle, the romance. the "What if" of it all. I fear that may not actually exist.

But that's why I love the movies I do and I love the holiday season, the magic, etc. I love the possibilities of it all. I love people being nice to each other. I love random acts ov kindness. I love that people will actually care (or pretend to care) about other people around them. There is a spirit in the air. Some people call it the "spirit of Christmas", the season of giving, etc. I'd like to believe it's the spirit that surrounds us all the time. If we just give into the magic, the spirit will fill us too.

Yes, I may wake up in January and ask myself, "what the fuck were you thinking with this blog excerpt"? But even if I do, at least I experienced the magic of the moment. For a brief shining second (as Bill Murray would say in "Scrooged") I'm the person that I could be, that I always wanted to be. Is that so bad?

So. Here's to miracles, the holiday season, the spirit of giving, the magic that we all can breathe in if we just give it a chance. Here's to you, my friends, my loved ones, my heart and soul. I want you to have what I don't. I want the magic for you. I want love everlasting. I want giving and hope and joy. I want miracles and most of all....I want love for you.

Updates...

I got the Beanster for the weekend. What a blast she is. We always have fun when we're together. Although she did put me on the spot with a question. We came in from the garage, and she said "Damian is your Nephew and your son...and I'm your Niece and your daughter". I replied "not exactly, Damian is my nephew and son, but you're my Niece". She replied "What I can't be your Niece and Daughter? Why does Damian get to be both and not me?" I lifted her up in my arms and smooched her and told her that I couldn't love her anymore if she was my daughter and she had nothing to worry about. I think Lucy will have some "splaining" to do in the future.

On Saturday, the man came to the house and helped out, ran stuff to the dump, etc. Beanie asked if he could go to the park with us, so we did, and had fun. On the way home, she asked if we could go to the Ore Cart Saloon for dinner instead of cooking the ribs and if Uncle could go. We ended up taking her...it's hard to resist her and those beautiful blue eyes. Afterward, she asked if Uncle was going to stay the night, and Uncle told her that he needed to head down and stay with his Dad. He was totally cool about the whole thing. I'm not telling Beanster about the Divorce for now, possibly next spring. She has enough to deal with since her mom and boyfriend split. I so appreciated the Man being cool, nice and accepting of the situation.

It seems my first bill to the CH house came in the mail...house insurance. This means that I won't be able to go to Omaha to see my brother for Christmas...(wasn't expecting this bill), but that's ok. I'll go in the spring. Not sure how to go about the whole thing...can we just to to the County Recorder's office and have my name taken off the title of the FH house and His taken off the CH house so that after the divorce is final I don't have to worry about titles? This whole thing is so confusing. I like that the Man just told me about the bill and is accepting our decisions. It just reminds me that although his actions while he's drinking sucks, he's an honorable, good man and I need to respect that.

See??? Even a stubborn bitch like me can learn something.

Tomorrow, I'm having tea in Auburn with some cool ladies. It's been awhile since we've been able to get together. One of our group will be missing (missing man formation needed here) and it won't be the same without her.

Hope this blog finds you all well and satisfied.

Good News???

Well, I was thinking that this whole divorce thing was going to get out of hand after the phone call I received last weekend from the man, stating that he changed his mind on the property due to Dad.  However, after meeting yesterday, not only is the property hashed out, but he agreed to everything on my list.  Was totally reasonable about the whole thing!!!  I'm not sure where the change of heart came from…I can only be thankful that it'll be ok.

 

So now the goal is to have the papers filed this month and move on with it before anything else pollutes the issue.  I know it's sucky of me to file for divorce in our anniversary month, and by the rate it's going, close to our anniversary date, but I think it's important just to have it done and over with. I hope I'm forgiven in the future and if things go along this smoothly, I may be.

 

More good News!!!

 

I'm picking up my niece Serene for the weekend.  Yes, Serenie Beanie, aka Beanster is mine for two days.  I ask her what she wants for dinner those two nights and her answer is "Shrimp and TV Dinner" (she is 8 years old).  I ask her why TV Dinner, that I would be happy to cook for her and she thinks about it and changes her mind to "Ribs".  She also reminded me to not forget the "cocktail sauce".  So I'll pick her up tonight and we'll do shrimp first, along with a "make our own baked potato" entrée.  I don't know about you, but I love creating the ultimate baked potato.  The last one I made was a spin on the "Cobb Salad" so I stacked my baked potato with blue cheese crumbles, bacon crumbles, hardboiled egg, tomato, avocado, fresh minced garlic and green onions!  Yes, the angels sang as I bit into that little slice of heaven!  I'm interested in seeing what the Beanster's choices will be for her potato toppings. Chilli? Cheese? We shall see and I'll report back.

 

Yes, this blog update is a yippie skippie one, so if you were looking for doom and gloom or political diatribe…sorry to disappoint ya! NOT!

Sent from Diz's iPhone