Getting Gobbsmacked!

Today was not a good day.  I knew there'd be shit coming down the pike, but effingA, really?  We had a "retrospective" of the FSR process for a project that I'm working on.  I'm the project manager, and it's my first FSR..I volunteered for it for the experience.

Well, the project gets started in late March, and the paper is due by the end of June. It's about technical crap that I know nothing about, so I rely heavily on the technical staff.  Of course, the husband has his knee scoped in March, then busts the femur in 3 places April 2nd.  I have to spend a week in Reno for his surgery, then have to adjust 2 weeks because he's not allowed any weight anywhere.  This impacts my project paper schedule.  Then Mom ends up in the hospital in May.  Then the husband and I separate (cuz the jerk is driving when he isn't supposed to, and I can't babysit him as I'm the only  one working, so I send him to Mommy), and Mom ends up back in the hospital in June and spends a week during which I get sideswipped  in my car, and my Uncle dies. I spend 6 out of the 7 days there and am the only one with her when she draws her last breath. Then I'm funeral planning the rest of the week. I go in for 3 days and take another week off to deal with the funeral and relatives.  Yes, the paper does get done, but I have no back up.  So what happens today???

The second statement brought up is "The project manager is unavailable and no suitable backup". The facilitator says, in  front of a room full of people, "I'd like to know the story behind this".  I did not tell everyone about my personal issues. Now they're expecting me to talk about it or be rude and say that it's none of their business and put the facilitator on the spot (which I should've done). I state that although it's personal, this is what happened and give a rough overview. I'm seething.  They want to know if the project sponsor is aware of all the details.  I said no. My manager is aware of all the  details, but it wasn't advertised on the inside net, and I didn't go into many details with everyone else. WTF!!!  I manage to hold it together, but later  break down when telling someone I'm thinking of avoiding Christmas and heading off to Nebraska.

Then I'm on the phone with one of the key players of the project and break down again. I've cried over my mother-in-law, but I really haven't let loose over the loss of her and my marriage, etc.  I'm stretched very thin and am expecting to snap.  I'm trying to hold out till vacation in October (which Sammy Hagar's website managed to shaft me on tickets to the birthday bash on the 13th), and just breathe, but it's not happening. By the time I run out of the building, I'm sobbing hysterically and continue to do so through most of the drive home.  Now my "business" is out in a workplace of 6,000 people? Really?  Was it really necessary for me to explain my absence, when I'm one of the most dedicated idiots around?  Effing A, my whole month off in October is furlough hours.  It's costing the state a mint of money, since I'm not using vacation.  REALLY???

I'm sorry fellow readers that I'm so full of hostility, anger and hurt right now. I'm ranting, but this isn't really the kind of rants I want to do.  But I am letting it out here, so please bear with me. Why am I not enough? Why does my husband finally push me over the edge? We were supposed to be married forever! I'm supposed to be more important than alcohol! But I am not enough. I gave him everything I had, and now I'm empty and I'm afraid that I wont have anything left to give anyone else. I put off marriage until 30 so I could make an informed decision. I gave up having children for him (alcohol killed the sperm)! And while the intelligent side of me  know that half of this is my  fault, I can't help but resent the shit out of him for the other half. I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed, although sleep will elude me yet again, as it has since March 20th.

Who would want this wreak, this shell of a person?