Aching

There's a part of me that's died tonight. It's like a bitter pill that dissolves in my mouth, and I can't get rid of the foul taste of it. My nephew is dead. And there's so much more to this story then I should post.  But I can't. I've been strong all day. I've held his mother and father, I told my sister (who gave him up for adoption) that he's gone, I told my mother, but the worst part was telling my boy (his brother) that they'll never be able to finish their relationship. I want to scream from the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rail about the choices that were made that I couldn't control. I want to throw ashes on my head, like the women in biblical times.  I want to strike out and make someone hurt as much as I do. I want to give my life for another moment so my boy and the parents could have some more time with him. I want to die so I could have more time with him. But I need to be here for my kid and his sister. I keep screaming silently, so no one will hear me. But the screaming in my head is so loud, it's deafening.

I'm happy I was your friend, but I so wanted to be your Auntie. I so wanted you to know how very much I love you and that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. That alone in the night, I want so very much to understand your pain and to take it away. That I fought for your happiness, and thought you had it.  Your parents so love you. It broke my heart to see your mother fighting the heart-wrenching sobs over your loss. The vacant stare on your father's face considering the empty nothingness without you.

What kind of deal with God can I make to bring you back? Can I sell my soul to the Devil? What bargain can be struck to see your face again? Take everything, take it all. Take my life, my money, my house, my heart, my soul. I thought I gave it all when you left, but I was so wrong. I never thought my heart could be double-tapped like it is now. Rest in peace sweet boy.  I so love you.