Roll with the Changes

We all make decisions that can change our lives. Sometimes we don't know we're making them, or the impact that it will have until much later. I'm rolling with my changes. There's a lot for me to do and although I think I have to do them quickly, maybe I don't. Maybe I can just take my time and savor the feeling.

It's Christmas time, and the lights are out and people generally have a feeling of good will. Although you always hear the mall stories about people fighting over the last toy. Thank God, I was never that kind of obsessed shopper. I love the smells in the air and the Christmas music, I love watching people do nice things for others. I love performing random acts of kindness and watch the rippling effect. Although to be honest, I do the random stuff all year around so I can selfishly enjoy it. This next year will be very different for me. Although I'm never alone because I'm lucky enough to have friends as family, it will be different not having that significant other by my side. It will be one of many challenges that I will face for 2011.

I know that all of you have challenges to face this next year also. I'm looking forward to facing them together. So while we're all enjoying our Christmas dinners, let's make sure to say a prayer for our service men and women who won't make it home and their families that support their efforts. We are truly a blessed nation, despite our faults and our troops fight to make sure we stay that way. If I don't get the chance to blog before hand, Merry Christmas my friends. Each of you are my greatest gift and I couldn't want for more with you by my side.

Pissing and Moaning...

It's a Sunday nite. I'm lying in bed it my iPhone 4 locked in to the "In Your Face" stand (if you don't have one, it's a must!), which is clipped to a coffee table book that is acting as a stand and my keyboard on top, plugging away. I'm sipping a nog on ice that's more brandy than nog.

I was going to rant about a bunch of idiots who want to be politically correct about Christmas carolling at work, but I'm tired of the subject and am tired of wasting my breath. I already warned ya'll that I will be discussing all aspects of divorce, so here goes another aspect.

At what point, when trying to separate yourself from your soon to be ex-partner, do you stop feeling like a complete asshole? I've done most of my Christmas shopping already and I took care of what the Boy was going to receive and I get a text from the EX asking what we're doing for the boy. I said that I've already send him something and I don't know what he's doing for him. I don't want to be a complete bitch about things, but I also want him to take me seriously about separating our lives. It's almost like he wants to separate our lives when he feels like it's making a point (usually about money) but not when it's about "looking like a couple" to the world. Whatup with that???

I'll have to admit that I'm harboring some resentment because I've always done most of the Christmas shopping and planning. I always put up the tree and decorated it. I always made a huge fuss and I enjoyed it for the most part. It would've been nice to have some help, but I love the pomp of it all. Now, when it's time to take care of our own stuff, he wants me to go in on something so he doesn't have to handle it.

I'm just being petty and being a bitch, but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm tired of being responsible. I don't think I've stopped being responsible since I was 10.

My Mom said something today that kinda brought that home. I have a Dr. Appt. tomorrow and she kept asking what kind of appointment it was. I said its routine stuff. She said that Mom's never stop worrying. What is she talking about? She's never worried about me. She's always known that I handle everything. It's like once I got to a certain age, she could abdicate the worrying to me because I'd take care of it...and I have. It must be so convenient to be able to wipe your slate clean and start each day anew. Both my Mom and Sister have that knack...I don't.I remember everything.

Ah well..."And this too shall pass". Took care of some business today, got the laves off the driveway, cut some wood. Getting a cord delivered tomorrow and will be splitting some of that. With all the time off the EX has had, you'd think he'd take care of that too, but no....that's me. "See if you can get a cord of wood and we'll split the cost"...yeah whatever. I need to take a chill pill and find a man with large hands to take this stress off my shoulders. Dare to dream.

Sexting

Ok, so I've been initiated into the world of "sexting".  Ok, it wasn't recently, I'll say in the past year or so.  But it's happening more and more frequently.  Now those of you who know me, know that I love to write.  I like the old fashioned pen-to-paper writing, the scratching sound, the smell of paper, finding just the right pen with the proper ink flow, etc. 

 

This sexting is a genre of its own.  Is it healthy to sext? Can it come back and bite you in the ass? Is there any way to program your sexts to self-destruct after the reader has enjoyed it and lit their cigarette? In this world of technology, do I really want a trace of my warped, sexual fantasies flowing around in the techno ether?   Will the reader respect me in the morning…Ok, that's a loaded question; they may have never respected me… But I think you see what I'm getting at.  It was one thing to call someone and give them a verbal spanking/etc, but it's an entirely different matter to leave physical evidence of it.

 

I'm nervous when I do it because I'm not sure what's going to happen with those naughty little tidbits I put out there.  It requires a certain amount of trust. That's something I have a difficult time with.  On the other hand…

 

I won't catch a disease sexting, well, not a physical one anyway;

I don't have to worry about who picks up the check,

I don't have to gnaw my arm off to get away,

I don't have to cuddle…unless my kitty is up for it…

There's no commitment, marriage, expectations, etc,

It doesn't matter if I'm having a bad hair day,

I can drink a margarita, watch a movie and sext at the same time…wait a minute…

 

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Love Actually

On this Thanksgiving, I've finished eating a wonderful meal and am watching the sappy movies I always pull out during this season. As the title of the blog says, I'm watching the movie "Love Actually". But I'll get to that in a minute.

I'm so very thankful for my family and friends. My friends have kept me going when I thought that maybe I don't have the strength to embark on this path I've chosen, or maybe I'm wrong and I should go back to the same ole thing. My friends keep my head on straight and tell me when I'm full of shit or when I'm doing the right thing. And I'm blessed enough to have friends as my family.

As much as I've bitched and ranted, I am thankful for the 18 years of marriage and the 24 years of friendship with Norm. He is a good man and he's behaving honorably through this divorce. He's taught me a lot and no matter what, I know in my heart that love is always there.

So this Thanksgiving was spent on thinking about those very things and eating a nice meal. Now, why watch "Love Actually"?? Well, I always pull out the fun, romantic Christmas movie at Thanksgiving or after. Ok...here's the sappy part. As much as I feel like I've been stomped on and fucked over when it comes to love, there's a tiny spark inside of me that wants to believe that the "sun always shines on TV", that wants to believe in the whole "Happily ever after" crap. My head says that's not going to happen and I need to be smart and sensible. Romance may not be a part of my life, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously through these damned movies.

If I fail to find joy in these movies, does that mean magic dies? Does it mean that there's no hope for me, or for my heart? While I loved my husband, he really wasn't much on the romance, or magic side of the relationship. It was me. I created the fun, the sparkle, the romance. the "What if" of it all. I fear that may not actually exist.

But that's why I love the movies I do and I love the holiday season, the magic, etc. I love the possibilities of it all. I love people being nice to each other. I love random acts ov kindness. I love that people will actually care (or pretend to care) about other people around them. There is a spirit in the air. Some people call it the "spirit of Christmas", the season of giving, etc. I'd like to believe it's the spirit that surrounds us all the time. If we just give into the magic, the spirit will fill us too.

Yes, I may wake up in January and ask myself, "what the fuck were you thinking with this blog excerpt"? But even if I do, at least I experienced the magic of the moment. For a brief shining second (as Bill Murray would say in "Scrooged") I'm the person that I could be, that I always wanted to be. Is that so bad?

So. Here's to miracles, the holiday season, the spirit of giving, the magic that we all can breathe in if we just give it a chance. Here's to you, my friends, my loved ones, my heart and soul. I want you to have what I don't. I want the magic for you. I want love everlasting. I want giving and hope and joy. I want miracles and most of all....I want love for you.

Updates...

I got the Beanster for the weekend. What a blast she is. We always have fun when we're together. Although she did put me on the spot with a question. We came in from the garage, and she said "Damian is your Nephew and your son...and I'm your Niece and your daughter". I replied "not exactly, Damian is my nephew and son, but you're my Niece". She replied "What I can't be your Niece and Daughter? Why does Damian get to be both and not me?" I lifted her up in my arms and smooched her and told her that I couldn't love her anymore if she was my daughter and she had nothing to worry about. I think Lucy will have some "splaining" to do in the future.

On Saturday, the man came to the house and helped out, ran stuff to the dump, etc. Beanie asked if he could go to the park with us, so we did, and had fun. On the way home, she asked if we could go to the Ore Cart Saloon for dinner instead of cooking the ribs and if Uncle could go. We ended up taking her...it's hard to resist her and those beautiful blue eyes. Afterward, she asked if Uncle was going to stay the night, and Uncle told her that he needed to head down and stay with his Dad. He was totally cool about the whole thing. I'm not telling Beanster about the Divorce for now, possibly next spring. She has enough to deal with since her mom and boyfriend split. I so appreciated the Man being cool, nice and accepting of the situation.

It seems my first bill to the CH house came in the mail...house insurance. This means that I won't be able to go to Omaha to see my brother for Christmas...(wasn't expecting this bill), but that's ok. I'll go in the spring. Not sure how to go about the whole thing...can we just to to the County Recorder's office and have my name taken off the title of the FH house and His taken off the CH house so that after the divorce is final I don't have to worry about titles? This whole thing is so confusing. I like that the Man just told me about the bill and is accepting our decisions. It just reminds me that although his actions while he's drinking sucks, he's an honorable, good man and I need to respect that.

See??? Even a stubborn bitch like me can learn something.

Tomorrow, I'm having tea in Auburn with some cool ladies. It's been awhile since we've been able to get together. One of our group will be missing (missing man formation needed here) and it won't be the same without her.

Hope this blog finds you all well and satisfied.

Good News???

Well, I was thinking that this whole divorce thing was going to get out of hand after the phone call I received last weekend from the man, stating that he changed his mind on the property due to Dad.  However, after meeting yesterday, not only is the property hashed out, but he agreed to everything on my list.  Was totally reasonable about the whole thing!!!  I'm not sure where the change of heart came from…I can only be thankful that it'll be ok.

 

So now the goal is to have the papers filed this month and move on with it before anything else pollutes the issue.  I know it's sucky of me to file for divorce in our anniversary month, and by the rate it's going, close to our anniversary date, but I think it's important just to have it done and over with. I hope I'm forgiven in the future and if things go along this smoothly, I may be.

 

More good News!!!

 

I'm picking up my niece Serene for the weekend.  Yes, Serenie Beanie, aka Beanster is mine for two days.  I ask her what she wants for dinner those two nights and her answer is "Shrimp and TV Dinner" (she is 8 years old).  I ask her why TV Dinner, that I would be happy to cook for her and she thinks about it and changes her mind to "Ribs".  She also reminded me to not forget the "cocktail sauce".  So I'll pick her up tonight and we'll do shrimp first, along with a "make our own baked potato" entrée.  I don't know about you, but I love creating the ultimate baked potato.  The last one I made was a spin on the "Cobb Salad" so I stacked my baked potato with blue cheese crumbles, bacon crumbles, hardboiled egg, tomato, avocado, fresh minced garlic and green onions!  Yes, the angels sang as I bit into that little slice of heaven!  I'm interested in seeing what the Beanster's choices will be for her potato toppings. Chilli? Cheese? We shall see and I'll report back.

 

Yes, this blog update is a yippie skippie one, so if you were looking for doom and gloom or political diatribe…sorry to disappoint ya! NOT!

Sent from Diz's iPhone

“Oh I’m newly Calibrated…all Shiny and Clean”

Weird, but I'm feeling a lot like that song quote above.  The bank came through yesterday and gave me back the $1,000 that was missing.  Woohoo…breathing room! I finally got a full night of sleep, after cleaning the kitchen and mopping the floor, including the entry way.  I think I know how to proceed on this divorce thing, so I feel relieved about that.  I made plans for 4th of July and a week in Mexico for Thanksgiving next year with some special friends.  I'm feeling like everything will be ok. Yes, I know that I'll come down from this vacation euphoria and that I'll get gobsmacked with bad days, but for now I'm blowing sunshine out my…well, you know.

 

On tap for the weekend, raking in the yard, vacuuming the house, getting in a couple of hours of bedroom cleaning,  some laundry, but most important…hanging with friends!!!  Tonight I'm getting together with Kel and Vicster…they're always a blast. Sunday I'm getting together with Timmaaayyy and his wife Vicki.  How blessed can I be to have great friends to spend time with?  With a little luck, I can get the Beanster next weekend and all will be right with my little world.

 

Next question on the list…What to do for Thanksgiving?  My Mom has Thanksgiving invitations, so that is good.  I'm thinking about blowing off Thanksgiving this year, getting in the truck and just driving.  Where?  Don't know.  I love to cook and stuff, but the thought of it not quite being the same is a little daunting. There's always friends to spend it with, which is extremely cool, but I just don't know.  Any suggestions out there? 

 

Also thinking about the possibilities of the CH house I'll be living in next year.  What do I want to do with it?  What kind of renovation?  I'm thinking that I want to enclose the yard and make a courtyard out of it for entertaining friends, and myself.  Plus, JazzyKat will feel safer about lounging in the yard if it's enclosed.  I'm thinking an outdoor firepit, a new grill, lights in the trees, etc.  How much will that cost?  If I enclose the Carport and expand the house a bit, and redo the inside, how much will that cost? I have a friend that will do my floors for me…so I feel good about that.  How much will it cost to put of a 3-4 foot wall around the property?  It won't need to go all the way around, just on the two facing roads.  How much can I do myself? How much will I save doing it?  Where do I find all this information and read up on it?  Why am I asking questions like a two-year old?

 

Ah well.  We shall see what the future will bring.

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Are you ready for the next Revolution?

 I'm back from Cabo. Although I didn't get down time Saturday nite and Sunday morning, the rest of Sunday was mine!  I should've done more with it than I did, but that's ok.  I discovered Sunday that my ATM was used fraudulently in Mexico and that I needed to cancel it, which I did.  Monday was spent going to the bank, turning in the old card and ordering a new one.  I also visited Jen…Ya'll know Jen.  She owns the nails I wear on my fingers.  I think I did her proud cuz they were still on after a month of no "Jen Care"…unlike Obama Care, Jen Care actually works! I also dropped off the radio that I borrowed from Rog and Kel. They totally spoiled us on the trip…actually all of our guests totally spoiled us on the trip.  I am blessed with great friends!

 

Tuesday found me back at work dear blog readers!  Damn the bad luck, but I actually had a tough time getting my sorry tushie out of bed!  It was a productive day, but I found out that two of the charges to my account actually went through and I'm a thousand dollars short.  Dizzy was not a happy camper, but I actually took the news quite well..I think the vacation paid off. I headed down to my bank and filled out the fraud paperwork.  The bad news is that it may take 10 business days to resolve, which is not good for Dizzy.  After the 18 months of furlough and exhausting my savings, I don't have a lot of disposable cash to fall back on…add being in Cabo for 30 days and there may be some tough times ahead. Ah well, "And this too shall pass". 

 

Note…diatribe coming……

 

I did take the time to "Rock My Vote" but I gotta tell ya, I'm sick of living in such a damned liberal state. The majority of California voters never read what the hell they're voting in.  They also never treat the voter ballot like a check book.  Does California have money for this proposition…No?  Guess I can't vote for it.  They think California is going to start growing Money Trees or something.  How come they never equate the CA checkbook to their own situation.  Gee, I'd really love to have that iPad, but I've maxed out all of my credit cards and I only have $100 to spend on food and gas for the rest of the month.  Unless the money tree out back starts sprouting, guess I have to pass!!!  I also cannot stomach voting for the lesser of two evils.  Why can't I vote for a qualified candidate and feel comfortable that no matter which way the vote goes, a reasonable person will take over the helm.  I may not agree with their agenda, but I can feel comfortable that they'll pass the budget, keep the legislature in line and put California before any special interests or big corporations.  In California…NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!  I think I'm gonna have to move my fiscally conservative butt to Montana, hunker down on a plot of land and defend it with my right to own arms.  Too bad I'm unable to retire anytime soon…darn it.

 

Until the next blog…..

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Reflections on the last day....

All in all, it's been a great vacation. It was nice to not check my work email ONCE! Many friends harbored serious doubts as to whether or not I could do it, but it was all about self-preservation folks. And ultimately, my sanity is not going down for any job.

Yesterday, we spent the day in Cabo San Lucas and had a fabulous time. We shopped (well, the girls shopped..Niecey and Chris can shop circles around me since I'm half man) we drank cheap happy hour beer, margaritas and pina coladas. We won a contest at the Mango Beach Bar. It was a "name the movie" contest based on the music the played. Yes peeps, since I love music so much I managed to quarterback our team to victory. I managed to get the two obscure ones, i.e. Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and The Fifth Element. WooHoo!!!

I finally plunked down the money for my Cabo hat (too expensive) and bought a silver circlet for my neck. Didn't do too much on the trinket purchase though. It was a good day. We came back and took some fish up to Sardina Cantina and they prepared it 5 different ways for 3 different kinds of fish. Everyone was in belly heaven.

After the dinner though, Niecey noted that it was interesing how I'd finally let my defenses down and be nice to "The Man", and he would take the gesture and run with it and suddenly we're a couple. He was even talking to the people we met at the Cantina about how "we'd be there next year", and "Babe and I do this" and "Babe does that", etc. Pretending that everything was going to stay the same. She noted how if I just give him a little bit of rope, suddenly it's as if the separation never happened. Going back to the real world is really going to hurt him. I, on the other hand, never left the real world. I've been separated the whole time we've been here. The pillow has always been in the middle of the bed and there's no crossing the boundaries. This is going to be one fucked up year Ladies and Gentlemen. I actually feel good though. I feel ready. I feel that I'm doing a good job preparing and that I'll be ok.

It also doesn't hurt that my confidence meter went up a couple of notches with the bit of attention I've received thanks to the Military Ranger tool and Earnesto (no, he's not hispanic, he's from Washington). Plus, my light flirtation with my Iowa Boy, always keeps myt spirit up. He's such a godsend!

Now, we have to print out our boarding passes, pack up and be ready to hit the road in the morning. I'm sorry to see the time pass so quickly, but I look forward to change. Change in the weather, change in my residence, change in my work, change in my soul.

Word of warning peeps...The blog will take a decided turn towards the events of divorce. If you're not interested, or if you don't want to know because you're close to the man, then you've been warned. Yes, with the coming elections and the nature of the national mood, I will still be ranting and railing about the injustices I perceive as a means of dealing with it all, but I have the feeling that I'll be leaching poison most often.

Here's hoping that this blog finds you all well, healthy and happy...or at least getting even!

Wednesday...October ???

WOW!!! It's been so busy! Sorry I haven't kept up with the blogging. With the three couples together and doing stuff, it seems like there isn't time. So far we've had a blast!

Lots of poolside time, relaxation, cooking. There's so much food in the fridge (we are blessed) that we'll have to give it away before we go.

We tooled around San Jose del Cabo yesterday and checked out the shops, drank tequila, and ended up at Shooter's once again for happy hour. Hey, if it works, gotta roll with it. We girls started our own drama, i.e. Days of our Lives in Cabo. Some 22 year old boy had a crush on my friend and was hitting on her. Of course, he would have an ex-girlfriend working at the place and she wasn't happy. Turns out the boy is a "playa, at a tender age"....of course us girls are just a bunch of homewreaking Cougars! Ah well.

I met a really cute, nice man who lives in Washington. Although I know nothing will come of it, it was nice to be found attractive, be flirted with, and have someone pursue me. He had gone fishing and ended up giving us some dorado that he caught, so we cooked it up with a spicy seafood recipe. And he have me his card, so I guess he was really interested. Yes, he knows the situation, because I was extremely upfront about it. Goodness knows, I have enough work on my hands before all of this mess is through, but I didn't want him thinking that I was just being a bitch. Best he knows what he's dealing with upfront...right?

Anyway, the girls are back from exercising, so I'm heading up to chat with Denise. Yes, I blew off exercising yet again. After pulling my back leg muscle a couple of days ago, I'm just now flexable enough to stop limping, but crap! This is one thing I hate about getting older! I'm not as limber as I should be.

Until the next blog...

Cabo Time - October 23rd

Well, my friend Denise's plane has just landed, so I'll go down to the lobby in about a half hour to greet her. I'm looking forward to their visit because it releases stress from being around the man. Although to be fair, he's been ok the last two days, but he drinks beer like it's mother's milk.

We'll kill some time around the beach until the condo is cleaned, then come back and do some cooking and some drinking. Since my friend Chris and her husband won't be here till sometime between 8 and 9 p.m. we'll have to hold off dinner. We're making bacon wrapped tuna in teriyaki and bbq sauce (Thanks Rog), cilantro infused mashed potatoes and salad. Of course, there's the awesome salsa and chips that seems to go with everything these days.

Now, I must make another committment to watch my cool, and to watch what I say. Certain things can not slip past my lips in front of the man. No, I've done nothing to be ashamed of or anything, but I don't need to rub salt in the wound either. We're separated, we're divorcing and nothing is changing that. Our lives are separate now and need to stay that way. If it wasn't for my stupid decision about this vacation, we'd still be apart. Vacation doesn't make a difference.

The maid just brought in a whole new mattress for my friends staying in the room with the two single beds. Now they'll have a king size bed to sleep on also. They are the greatest here. I love WorldMark! Not too hoity toity, clean, comfortable. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm glad I bought into timeshare. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but the man talked me into it, so we started out small, i.e. a week every two years. We ended up purchasing two weeks a year and it was paid for, then we heard Wyndham was purchasing Trendwest, so I'm not paying for two more weeks. That's why I'll end up with three weeks in the divorce, the man get's half of what is paid off, which is one week. Since I continue to pay for the additional weeks, they're mine.

Ah well, I know I sound callous and everything, but I do it for self-preservation purposes. For the longest time I never made plans that we would be apart, although I should have. Now that I'm actually doing it, it's real and there's no going back. I notice the man doesn't talk about it, so it isn't real to him. I tried on so many occasions to tell him this was coming, but he wouldn't listen. I even told him the signs he should be looking for. Still didn't listen. Now that it's here, he avoids the subject like the plague, unless I force the issue.

Ok, enough of that, One more week in Cabo, and I'd better make it good! Smooches my friends.

One of those nights....

It's one of those nights where I'm alone with my thoughts and there's no alcohol to quiet the voices inside my head. NO...not the crazy voices, the other ones!

Our guests have gone home and we're waiting for the newest arrivals...on Saturday. And I realize how incredibly lonely I am. Yes, I've made my choices and I don't regret them, but I hate the loneliness of my choice. It's too quiet, and I don't have my kitties to cuddle with.

I can hear the Karaoke going on down in the restaurant, the crash of the waves, see the moonlight over the water and I know that I desperately want someone to hold my hand, and take me down to the water and kick the sand around. I want to dance under the moonlight and be that one special person, even for a moment, to the person that is holding me.

It was fun watching my friends Rog and Kell, cuz you could see magic in the way that they relate to one another. You know, when you look at Rog, that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for his Lady, and that she comes first. If you don't have that kind of relationship, when you see it, you're a little jealous, cuz you have proof that it exists and you know that you don't have it yourself.

Love isn't perfect...I know that. But when you are in the presence of it, you know when it's true. I don't know that I'll ever have that. What I have to be careful of is what I substitute for it.

I'm not a drug girl, but I do love tequila. Right now, I'm keeping that in check and have been pretty good on this trip. I don't want it to be food, because I've been battling that substitution for years, and with help, finally got a grip on it (for now). I'm thinking it's gonna be sex that I'm gonna have to be careful of. Sex and partners. For now, I'm fine, but what's it gonna be in 6 months? Am I the type of person that will have lots of sex with lots of partners so I won't be lonely? Hmmm...food for thought.

In the meantime, it'll be work. I have 3 projects going on that I'm gonna need to focus on. A divorce I need to complete, a home I need to build and a life I need to live. Thank God for good friends!

Better Day/s

Yesterday (Sunday) was an ok day. But after being effed over by the man's mind games, I was pissed off and it put me in a bad mood that was tough to extricate myself from. I have the greatest friends that put up with my shit, and I'm most appreciative. I pretty much avoid talking to the man now and try to avoid being alone with him unless we're sleeping.

Too bad it has to be this way, but lesson learned...we won't be vacationing together for a long time. If he thinks he'll get away with the same games with the other group, he's got another thing coming.

Today was a better day and we (the ladies) had fun lazing in the sun, drinking our Cabo punch and watching people by the pool. I pulled a muscle in my back though...don't think it was during the workout, I think it was after, but it's been steadily getting worse. I guess that means no more sex. Oh, wait, I'm not getting any sex, so no big loss. We did, however, discover the best Key Lime Pie West of the US border. OMG, it was good. I'm so glad I didn't have it when I first got here, or I'd be eating the damned thing every day and working out two hours a day to undo the damage. This stuff is "lick it off the 8 pack abs of LL Cool J, or Gerard Butler (during The 300 role) good!

I have to remember that it isn't the big things in life necessarily that make you happy. Sometimes it's Key Lime Pie.

Tomorrow, Rog and Kel leave to journey back home. I sure hope they had a good time, other than the effing drama that seems to surround me and the man. I really didn't want to ruin it for them, and I hope I didn't. I owe them so much. It comforting to have friends like them. They're a warm, fluffy blanket that you dig down into and close your eyes to escape the world. Did I tell you they bought me the most beautiful ring? It's a sliver band that is done in an link style. Gorgeous! They are so crazy, but I absolutely love it.

Anyway, me and my sore back are going to get some shuteye. I may actually slack off on working out tomorrow, if it still feels as bad. Gee...another day lazing in the warm Cabo sunshine. Thank you Lord.

More trouble in Paradise

So yesterday started off like any other day in Cabo (Geez, I sound like a jaded bitch) and we had fun at the pool. Tina, Norm and I did some sunbathing and Rog and Kel went and had fun in the Jeep looking at cool properties in Los Cabos. Since we only had the Jeep for one more day, we decided to go back to Cabo San Lucas and hit Mangoes and the Office to see how things were and grab some appetizers. Afterward, we hit couple of other places and drove home.

We decided to take the party up to the bar at the top of the road from the resort, and they were playing some great music. I danced (Hello, it was ACDC with Bonn Scott, how could I not), then sat down. The soon-to-be-ex was acting all possessive, blocking me into a corner so everyone would know I was with him, calling me "Babe", etc (Remember what Pam Anderson did to men that called her "Babe" in her movie Barb Wire???). Any way, he leans over and asked me if it's too late to ask for dance. I'm thinking to myself, which I basically blurt out to him, Hell yes it's too late, you've lost all privilidges, which includes asking me to dance, touching me, calling me babe, etc. It's OVER! He says that we need to talk tomorrow, and I say, why put off what can be done right now? I throw money down on the table to cover my drink (ok, enough to cover everyone's) and head out the door. He joins me and we end up on the beach.

He basically says I'm giving him mixed messages, because I said that I would dance with him but he lost his chance. I told him that he was confusing the message. My stance hasn't changed. He lost his chance to dance with me when he broke his promise (due to drinking), busted his femur and ended the marriage. Where is the mixed message? Basically it's the same fight we've been having, all re-hashed. i'm not willing to go there. He chose his addiction over me, and I finally have enough self-worth to say I'm done. I have to believe that there is man out there that will want me for me and choose me over crap like alcohol or any other addiction. I'm worth that, and fuck you if you don't think I am.

I find it hard to believe that he's going to stick out the entire 4 weeks togther. Even after I told him it was a mistake on my part to think we could get along. I'll give him this...he's a glutton for punishment.

Don't get me wrong. This is my blog, and here is where I get to vent about his bullshit. He's basically a good man...faithful, kind-hearted, just a true-blue kind of guy. I can't live with his addiction because he allows it to interfere with our lives. He make shitty decisions that are influenced by alcohol and doesn't think about the future. I'm tired of living in a precarious position....wondering if we'll be able to retire and travel, wondering if he'll live and not drink his liver away, wondering if there will be any inheritance left for our kid. It's a shitty way to live, and for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you know what it's like to not sleep at night and feel insecure about everything. It's bad enough that I don't have strong arms to wrap around me, but now I have to feel insecure about the future? About retirement? About our home? I don't think so.

Now he's trying to play games on this trip and try to alienate me. He thinks if I'm left out of things that I'll sit around the Condo and pout. Sorry...he, of all people, should know that Dizzy doesn't sit around pouting for long. She get' down to getting busy, and you may not like the activity she finds to keep her occupied.

Ok...poison leeched and out of the system. Time for bed.

P.S. Got to connect with an old friend today, who re-located to Vegas. Looks like he's doing well and networking successfully for his career. Please keep good thoughts and prayers in mind for him as he continues on this journey. He's got the talent to make it.

October 14th in Cabo

Yesterday, my friend Teensy arrived to spend a week with all of us here in Cabo. Too Fun! We all headed down to Cabo San Lucas and parked the jeep and did a trek to Cabo Wabo to pick up the Sammy Hagar Birthday Bash bracelets for Rog and Kel. Then we went shopping for these skirts we wanted so badly. Unfortunately, after hunting around for an hour, we still couldnt locate the damned things, we gave up and went hunting for dinner.

That took some serious hiking. Up and down the roads, hot, dusty, etc. We were looking for this restaurant called Mi Casa. By the time we found it, all of us were pretty cranky and hot. But this place did not disappoint! They brought us huge margaritas (which makes everything seem alright) and we got down to the business of figuring out what to eat. I settled on the Ribs which were marinated in this chocolate, spicy mole sauce and cilantro mashed potatoes, black beans and these tortilla's, hand made by this woman working in the back. They were the bomb!

If you know me, you know that food is a sensual experience...something akin to sex. The way it tastes on the tongue, the way the right beverage will compliment the food. The flavors that bring a sensory experience to the eyes, nose, mouth and brain. And I don't know about the rest of you, but I always think about the ways I could eat whatever it is...off of the right body. Thereby bringing food and sex together in one great big explosion of....well, you know.

After that wonderful meal, we broke up the group and part of us headed down to the port for a nice cool drink. I ended up having a mango/chile margarita, that was a frozen delight! The perfect way to conclude an evening. We got a cab home, soaked in the jacuzzi for an hour and headed to bed.

One wishes every day could be like this, but hard times are ahead, which is why we vacation...right? To build up the mental fortitude we need to get us through them. So I'm going to enjoy this vacation as much as possible. Until later my friends.

Hola My Friends!!!

Sorry it's took so long for me to write...even now,I have a few shots of tequila in my veins and my writing may not be the greatest. I suffered a setback with the man getting so toasted that he fell into a hedge full of stickers and suffered damage to his legs and one side of his body. I was so pissed that I had to suffer yet another vacation with his bullshit, that I ended up ripping him a new asshole the next night. No, it wasn't pretty, and yes, I broke my vow not to yell.

Needless to say, it re-affirmed my reasons for the divorce and I'm not backing out of it. It took me a while to shake it off and I didn't blog much during that time (it happened last Thursday night, and I ripped him one on Friday night....and now it's Tuesday night). I'm feeling better and more confident. I think I already mentioned the Army Ranger guy kissing me in the pool, which make me realize that life will go on with out the man, and that I may be slightly more attractive than I thought, so there's hope for me yet. I hate to say this, but the blog may turn into something along the lines of "Divorce Girl Makes Good" or something.

Not only that, Kelly (who's always been one of the thinest chicks I know, handed me her brown bikini and I fit in it. However, the twins need lifting, so I wasn't completely comfortable. The twins have been "D's" since I was sixteen and well, let's just say that they don't point to the sky, like I'd like them to. She also brought this tiedye black dress that she gave me to wear, and her husband said I "totally rocked it".

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, I've had doubts that I could make it on my own...that I'd be attractive enough for the opposite sex. I pretty much figured that ending the marriage would mean that I'd be alone, and I needed to face that and deal with it. However, it may be that I was wrong. Maybe, it's my own doubts and fears that I have to overcome and there may be someone out there that will appreciate my weirdness and quirks. They may be able to put up with my outspokenness and independence. What an effing concept!

As bad as this may sound, I'm happy that all of this went down and the man can see what he's giving up. While he really doesn't see it that way right now, someday...I'm hoping he'll say..."She was mine, she wanted me, I was her man...and I choose alcohol over her. What kind of idiot am I?" Will he? Maybe not, but I'm ok with that because I'm finally realizing my own self worth. And maybe, that's enough.

Good night from Cabo my friends!

Cabo - Just some thoughts

As I wait for Rog and Kel to arrive, my head continuously churns with the thoughts of divorce, dating, etc.

When is a good time to start dating? Not that I'm really thinking about it, but I have received a few offers and a proposal (not marriage) that I'm seriously considering. At what point does this all begin? After the ink is dry on my divorce papers? Since we're separated now, and have been since the beginning of May, is 6 months a good time to start dipping my toes in?

While these are all interesting questions, I think I'm more paralyzed over the thought of sex. What will it be like with someone else? Is my body good enough? Have BJ techniques changed? Are there new techniques I should know about? Remember that line in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks is having lunch with his buddy? His buddy says "Tiaramisu" and Tom asks what it is? His buddy Rob Reiner says "You'll find out", and Tom replies "You won't tell me what it is? What if some girl wants me to do it to her?" I feel kinda like that.

You're used to a person for 24 years and suddenly the game changes and you don't have any idea what the next person is like, or what they want done to them, etc. I admit, I haven't had sex in a while, which is probably why it's on my mind so much.

What about small talk? Jeez, I haven't done small talk in so long. What line do I start out with? God help me if conversation turns political because I'm conservative, and that in itself will start some fights and heated arguements. Who's gonna want sex with me after I've verbally lashed them about America headed down the toilet unless Americans pull their heads out of their asses. What a cock-blocker!

Ok, enough swooning over the directness of my blog today. Nothing a couple of shots of good tequila and vegging on the beach won't cure, right?

I can tell this is gonna be a long trip....

Funny how all the old stuff rears it's ugly head when you're at odds with someone. It's no different in Cabo, believe me. We finally took possession of the room after 4 p.m. yesterday, and it was well worth the wait. Lovely views, sweet rooftop party place, we're happy.

The plan was to get our stuff moved in, get our shit together and go shopping. Mr. Procrastinator of course had the plans. He takes forever to do the simplest things. I'm waiting and waiting to leave. We finally do. I have to admit that while grocery shopping, it was also my fault that it took so long, but the stuff I purchased was relatively simple stuff. He's the one with the two cases of beer and stuff. We ended up splitting the bill (actually, I spent more) but something about contributing to the very thing thats ending our marriage rubs me raw. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm being a bit hypocritical since I haven't stopped drinking myself...I love tequila and can handle it. There was a time in our relationship that I stopped drinking for 4 years in hopes that he'd either quit or lighten the eff up, but it didn't work, so I resumed. Alcohol has never been my addiction...food is my addiction. Anyway, since I still drink and purchase alcohol for myself, does it make me hypocritical to purchase it for him, i.e. splitting the bill? I don't know, but it made me irritable. After that, everything bugged me.

We ended up getting rib eyes to bbq and I was cranky from lack of food in my stomach. I reminded him to check the steaks and suggested he take them off. He didn't and they were overcooked. I effing hate overcooked rib eyes. Next time, I'm going to insist on cooking my own...he'll act all hurt and everything, but he has a habit of walking away from the grill and getting caught up in something else.

God, I'm such an effing bitch. I think this whole relationship has poisoned me. I've got to change, or I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

Ok, I'm going back to enjoying Cabo. Tomorrow, our friends arrive and I'm looking forward to a break in the tension.

Cabo - Day 4....Early to bed?

Yesterday was a pretty lite day as far as activities and stuff was concerned. I managed to start and finish a book...naughty, but I haven't sat down to read a book in more than a year. Heartbreaking, I know. I used to go through books like water. What the hell happened? Life gets in the way I guess.

Got through the exercising ok and pretty much laid back. Around 4, I got a hankering for chips, salsa, and guacamole with some kind of tequila drink, so we headed down to the sports bar for their two-fer. While munching away, we met a guy from Auburn, California and talked about the history of Auburn, etc. Pretty interesting. We also met people from Oregon (the man's neck of the woods) and chatted up about that. Small world.

Afterward, we headed to the beach and did a beach walk. So beautiful! The man managed to torque his knee, yet again and is limping today. Hope he didn't do too much damage. After a corona and lime on the deck, I pretty much headed to bed at 9 p.m. Jeez...what happened to the party animal that used to be up all night, whooping and hollering? Ah well. Up early again and got my exercise in. Now we've checked out of 521 and are waiting for the pinnicle of rooms 601 to be cleaned so we can move in. I do not want to move again. This is our third move, but the last and it will be well worth it. Alma, the Assistant Manager is the BOMB!!!

What to rant about in Cabo? Hmmm, it's difficult to come up with something, but I'm still pissed off about Sammy Hagar's computer system failure cheating me out of birthday bash tickets for the 13th. Guess I'll be standing in line for the dinner tickets, and their $100 a pop. Ah well. No matter what, I'm just happy to be away from almost everything. Still playing out my future in my mind, but at least there's a direction...an it's Citrus Heights.

Until tomorrow my friends. Tequila and a snooze on the beach beckons....

Cabo - Day Two and Three

Yesterday we moved from the one bedroom to a three bedroom penthouse. Nice digs, we've stayed in it before. This time, however, I was able to wrangle the penthouse of penthouses...Unfortunately, we can't move in until tomorrow, but I'm tickled pink about it. I've tried to get into this one for 12 years, and finally...601 changes from dream to reality.

Last night, the man and I had a good talk about the future. He's decided that he wants the Forethill house, which means that I'll be moving to Citrus Heights. Am I upset about it? No. It's a prime piece of property and with a little work and money, it'll be a good home. I'll tear down the house that's on it, cuz Mom's aways hated it and put something else there. Also need to look into Granny quarters for Dad. Yes, I do see some issues in the future, but hopefully we can work those out. There's still the issue of why we're divorcing, and I somehow think that issue isn't going away anytime soon. This means that me, my job, etc will continue to be the scapegoat for awhile. Ah well.

Still haven't figured out the router issue, and it looks like I'l have to do my hijack option.

Don't hate me Bitches, but I'm sitting on a lounge chair, facing the ocean and typing this blog under a palapa. Can it get any better? If I could figure out a way to make a living doing something like this, I'd be gone in a second.The wireless Apple keyboard works like a freaking charm! It's extremely lite, a touch smaller than a regular keyboard (minus the keypad). And I love that I'm not trying to poke at the touchscreen. Totally awesome.

Managed to get in another workout today. That elliptical machine is taking some getting used to. I miss the stair machine, but I have the feeling this is what I needed to shake up my exercise routine. It's trying to get the rythmic flow and keep my knees bent. I look like a spastic zombie, but hey...I don't go to the gym to look beautiful (like that's possible...) I go to sweat!

Ok, Until tomorrow. I'll post again from the heights of Mount Olympus aka 601. Smooches my peeps.

Day 1 in Cabo

After an interesting night last night, we began our journey with me leaving behind my iPhone stand...what a Moron. Ah well, I know I need a second one, so if I see one, I'll get it.

Traveling was ok. I didn't realize how close I cut it with the landing in Phoenix(11:30) to take off to Cabo (12:05). Needless to say, we had to hustle our asses to the next gate to make it. No worries, when vacation is on the line, somehow ya make it work, right?

I've been cordial and nice all day, but I can see that my work is going to be cut out for me. This is a man that doesn't want to let go. Although I did my best to distance myself, make my own decisions, carry my own luggage, pay my way, etc., he did his best to touch me, to sit closer, to make it seem like we're "together". This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

We checked in ok, but I realized my mistake in not making sure the man picked up a "travel/access point" router, because the Linksys router he did pick up requires a laptop to set up before I can get the damned iPhone to access it. So, when I'm done blogging, I'll be going into the lobby to see if I can hijack a desktop and get the darn thing dialed in. If that's the least of my worries, than I'm doing ok.

After a great dip in the pool and a much needed shower, we walked over to "Trader Dicks" for dinner. I have to say, for $15, I got the best freaking seafood Cobb Salad I've ever eaten!!! I had to bring half of it back to the room cuz this thing was one huge mound of fresh lettuce, tomato, avocado, bacon, blue cheese, egg, huge grilled planks of halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled calamari, and I don't know what else, but effing FABULOUS!!! I have to make sure to bring my friends when they arrive, because I think they'll enjoy it!

Tomorrow is all about wrangling room 601. It's so choice because of the roof access. We've never been able to get the room, but for once, we'd really like to get it this time. First I'll exercise, get some coffee, shower and head right to the front desk.

Not sure when I'm going to broach the topic of divorce with the man, but I assure you...I will not leave paradise until we've had our little converation.

Ok Peeps, I'm off to fix the router and then headed to bed. It'll be interesting to see how the night progresses. If it's anything like last night...I won't be getting much sleep (NO, there will be no hanky panicky...and there wasn't last night either! Divorce is divorce! That part of my life is over with the man.).

The Night Before.....

Well, I've got my finger tips and ugly ET toes done...made beautiful by the awesome Jen...purchased the wireless keyboard (which allows me to type on my iMac and my iPhone) so I can keep up with my blogging while I'm away, and I've rearranged the suitcase. All said, Dizzy's ready to rock and roll!!!

I got to the other house early and Dad was watching television. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to him about the divorce, etc, since "The Man" wasn't here. I asked him if the man had talked to him about what was going on. He said "not at all", so I was blunt and just told him that I've asked the man for a divorce. I told him that I do still love them both, but I was unwilling to live all the issues that go into alcohol. He was actually quite gracious about the whole thing. He said that he totally understood where I was coming from and that I had to think about the future. He is worried about his son and the nature of his addiction. Anyway, it was a good conversation, and I'm glad we were able to discuss it.

Now I'm getting ready for sleep. My goal for this trip is to not loose my temper and to be clear and concise when we dialog about our future. I will not raise my voice and yell. Hey....stop laughing!!! Ok, I'll probably be laughing at myself in a week. We'll see.

Updates to come. Goodnight my friends.

Shhhh...the topic is Divorce...

Why is it, when I ask my divorced friends about divorce, it's suddenly a taboo topic. Are they still hurt and bleeding over it, and it's my bad for asking?  I have questions and I want answers and no one seems to want to answer them.  Such as:

1. Will I ever be able to look at my ex as something other than the man that ripped my heart out and stuffed it in alcohol?
2. Will we actually end up friends, or is this a pipe dream I've pulled out of my ass?
3. Will my divorce be easy, or are we going to rip each other to shreds over the crappiest of things like, oh...I don't know...stupid knickknacks I could care less about?
4. Will we survive a month on vacation together, or should I pack it in now?
5. Is he expecting sex?  Cuz it ain't happenin!
6. Will I ever be attractive to the opposite sex?
7. Is there a big huge "D" on my forehead that everyone can see?
8. Will I ever get my self-worth back?  Cuz a man choosing addiction over me, is pretty fucking damaging!
9. Will I change in the eyes of my kid over this?
10. Will I ever be held in someones arms and feel safe again?

I'm just saying...once this is all over, if someone asks me, I'm gonna tell them everything I felt so they'll be prepared.  I just don't feel prepared over this. I think I'm a dreamer over what I'm expecting.  I think the storm is coming and I'm just not ready for it.  I call it the "Sarah Conner Syndrome". Ah, well...I'm going to bed.  2  more work days...one more prep day...and I'm off to Cabo for 30 days with the ex and friends.  Pray for me.  I'm worried about the stuff I can't anticipate.

Getting Gobbsmacked!

Today was not a good day.  I knew there'd be shit coming down the pike, but effingA, really?  We had a "retrospective" of the FSR process for a project that I'm working on.  I'm the project manager, and it's my first FSR..I volunteered for it for the experience.

Well, the project gets started in late March, and the paper is due by the end of June. It's about technical crap that I know nothing about, so I rely heavily on the technical staff.  Of course, the husband has his knee scoped in March, then busts the femur in 3 places April 2nd.  I have to spend a week in Reno for his surgery, then have to adjust 2 weeks because he's not allowed any weight anywhere.  This impacts my project paper schedule.  Then Mom ends up in the hospital in May.  Then the husband and I separate (cuz the jerk is driving when he isn't supposed to, and I can't babysit him as I'm the only  one working, so I send him to Mommy), and Mom ends up back in the hospital in June and spends a week during which I get sideswipped  in my car, and my Uncle dies. I spend 6 out of the 7 days there and am the only one with her when she draws her last breath. Then I'm funeral planning the rest of the week. I go in for 3 days and take another week off to deal with the funeral and relatives.  Yes, the paper does get done, but I have no back up.  So what happens today???

The second statement brought up is "The project manager is unavailable and no suitable backup". The facilitator says, in  front of a room full of people, "I'd like to know the story behind this".  I did not tell everyone about my personal issues. Now they're expecting me to talk about it or be rude and say that it's none of their business and put the facilitator on the spot (which I should've done). I state that although it's personal, this is what happened and give a rough overview. I'm seething.  They want to know if the project sponsor is aware of all the details.  I said no. My manager is aware of all the  details, but it wasn't advertised on the inside net, and I didn't go into many details with everyone else. WTF!!!  I manage to hold it together, but later  break down when telling someone I'm thinking of avoiding Christmas and heading off to Nebraska.

Then I'm on the phone with one of the key players of the project and break down again. I've cried over my mother-in-law, but I really haven't let loose over the loss of her and my marriage, etc.  I'm stretched very thin and am expecting to snap.  I'm trying to hold out till vacation in October (which Sammy Hagar's website managed to shaft me on tickets to the birthday bash on the 13th), and just breathe, but it's not happening. By the time I run out of the building, I'm sobbing hysterically and continue to do so through most of the drive home.  Now my "business" is out in a workplace of 6,000 people? Really?  Was it really necessary for me to explain my absence, when I'm one of the most dedicated idiots around?  Effing A, my whole month off in October is furlough hours.  It's costing the state a mint of money, since I'm not using vacation.  REALLY???

I'm sorry fellow readers that I'm so full of hostility, anger and hurt right now. I'm ranting, but this isn't really the kind of rants I want to do.  But I am letting it out here, so please bear with me. Why am I not enough? Why does my husband finally push me over the edge? We were supposed to be married forever! I'm supposed to be more important than alcohol! But I am not enough. I gave him everything I had, and now I'm empty and I'm afraid that I wont have anything left to give anyone else. I put off marriage until 30 so I could make an informed decision. I gave up having children for him (alcohol killed the sperm)! And while the intelligent side of me  know that half of this is my  fault, I can't help but resent the shit out of him for the other half. I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed, although sleep will elude me yet again, as it has since March 20th.

Who would want this wreak, this shell of a person?

Where Am I?

Good Lord, I don't know where I'm at.  I have good days and bad days.  Tonight is a bad night.  I'm filled with doubts and misgivings. I've made my decisions and I'm headed for divorce, but the road sucks.

I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man.  He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking.  I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge.  He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable.  In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable.  Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him.  I wanted to believe he'd change for a family.  I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him.  He never pretended to be anything he wasn't.  When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now?  I also ask him why?  Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't?  Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.

That's what scares me so.  Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices.  I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult  year.  I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband.  How much more can I really take?

Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me  (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't.  They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really?  So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.

No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it.  Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?

I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back.  Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again?  I don't know.

I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can.  But what is the cost?

I'm sorry.  Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.

Where Am I?

Good Lord, I don't know where I'm at.  I have good days and bad days.  Tonight is a bad night.  I'm filled with doubts and misgivings. I've made my decisions and I'm headed for divorce, but the road sucks.

I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man.  He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking.  I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge.  He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable.  In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable.  Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him.  I wanted to believe he'd change for a family.  I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him.  He never pretended to be anything he wasn't.  When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now?  I also ask him why?  Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't?  Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.

That's what scares me so.  Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices.  I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult  year.  I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband.  How much more can I really take?

Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me  (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't.  They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really?  So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.

No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it.  Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?

I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back.  Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again?  I don't know.

I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can.  But what is the cost?

I'm sorry.  Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.

Life...Resumed

What a rollercoaster ride...and it still isn't over.  I can't seem to catch my breath with all the details, and stuff that needs to be handled.  The following morning, after Mom passed, the Man and I got up and made our journey to Chapel of the Hills to set the funeral steps in motion. 

I'd already been warned that funeral homes can be a "tough sell" and prey on people who are emotionally drained.  I was ready.  If they wanted to "eff" with me, they were going to be in for a big surprise because I wasn't taking crap from ANYONE!  What a relief to be met by a pleasant woman named Kate.  She instantly put us at ease and asked the right questions.  When it came time to pick a casket, she took us to a moderate sided room and waved at one wall and said this is the least expensive and if work your way around the room in this direction (sweeping left) it gets more expensive.  You can choose a package deal, or we can piece it together to see what comes out cost effective for you.  I waited.  I knew she was going to let us have it with the "Your Mom would want the most expensive casket" speech.  She just stared back at me.  I asked her "So we just start here?" and she replied "Yes".  Then went on to say, "if you don't mind, I have a couple of phone calls to make.  Why don't you take your time, discuss your options together and when you're ready, meet me in the conference room and we'll pull it all together".  Huh?  In a way, I was let down, cuz I really wanted to blow off some steam and she would've been the perfect victim, but she was depriving me of that release by being so damned nice. 

She left, and we chose a casket called the "Meridian", a beautiful wooden dark cherry casket that looked rich in color but not too bad on the pocket book.  We went back to the conference room and told her our choice and proceeded with the rest of the arrangements.  However, we still had to purchase a plot, so we made our appointment with the Auburn Cemetary.  All in all, the whole process could've been so much worse than it was (i.e. still is, because I'm not done).

People have been pretty cool about the whole thing, except for this jerk I work with.  I went to work for 3 half days, and she proceeded to block me into my cubicle and drill me about Mom.  How are things, how is she, etc..when this woman doesn't have two words for me any other time.  I told her "Mom's dead", to which she replies, "Oh well you must not have been close if you're here and not crying".  I wanted to kick her ass 6 ways from Sunday!  I said, "Yes, we were close but the funeral isn't till next week and I have a couple of things to take care of here.  What do you want?" She starts talking about her Dad's death, and I told her, "Look...I don't want to talk about this stuff, or I'll start crying, so either talk about work, or go away".  WTF???  Some people are so obtuse. 

Anyway, I'll blog again soon.  Gotta get back to the family stuff. 

Life...Interrupted

As I was working on the prior post, I noticed a change in Mom's breathing.  It happened so quickly, and then it was also slow motion.  I'll save you the description except to say, it's so much different when it's someone you love struggling during those last breaths.  Your chest hurts because you want to breathe for them and your throat constricts because you're feeling their lack of air.  And all of the sudden...you can hear the air escape in a long fluid push and then silence.  I put my hand on her chest  and her heart wasn't struggling like it used to.  I shook her.."Mom, mom wake up".  But she didn't.  I knew but all the thoughts race through your head. A million thoughts race through your head and you struggle to grab onto just one. The one I finally grabbed was, call a nurse. So I did.

The nurse called the doctor, and as I waited for them to call the time of death, I called the Man. I told him Mom was gone and I apologized that I didn't call him sooner so he could be with her. But truthfully, there just wasn't time. I'm not sure she wanted to die with just me with her, but she did know that I would take care of her. The doctor called the time of death as 12:30 a.m., but she really did leave at Midnight.

While I was sitting with her, waiting, every so often she would expel air, and I would think that I was wrong and that she was still alive...even though I knew she wasn't.  The Man arrived and we sat with her till about 2 a.m. Signed papers, gathered her belongings, gave a final kiss and left. Even now I think it is a quiet exit for a woman that lived such a large life.

The Decision

So the doctor visited us this morning and basically said that Mom would not be going home. The carbon dioxide levels in her blood are high, etc.  The doctor said to give it one more day then, if the results are the same to opt for "Comfort Care".  After discussion between the three of us, we opted for "Comfort Care" and decided to start immediately.

CC is when they stop all the prescriptions, etc and basically make sure Mom is comfortable for the time she has left.  She's on a morphine drip and is no longer moaning, tossing, etc.  She's comfortable and sleeping.  It's weird being confronted with the decision, and although you know it's the right one, there's always someones eyes that make you re-think it.  A family friend came today and Dad had me explain the decision and to make sure she understood that Mom is dying. The friend kept saying things like, "she'll get better", etc. When talking to Mom, she'd say, "Open your eyes.  Who am I? Recognize me. You're going to get better, etc." It was like laying on a bunch of guilt

What Do You Do?

When modern medicine only prolongs someones agony and doesn't allow them to die peacefully? Mom needs to go home. She's not happy here. She doesn't sleep at night, moans, groans, talks incoherently and pulls at everything. What I feared is coming to pass.

I've already managed to piss her off, and now she says that she never imagined that I could be so sneaky. She had a death grip on both of my hands and was begging me for water. I had to losen her hands so I could pour fresh cold water from the pitcher into the cup. As I'm losening her hands she's fighting me saying that I'm going to leave. I assure her I'm not...but it becomes a struggle. Do I losen her hands and ignore the water plea? Water wins out as it's so vital for her, but prying her hands lose has pissed her off. And so it goes, all night long.

For the second nite in a row, they want to give her Ambien to sleep when the doctor clearly said that it wasn't good for her age and condition. The first night he admitted he forgot to change the order. What's the excuse for the second nite? I don't know. I'm thankful that I did a stint as a CNA as it's helped me to turn her in bed and change sheets, etc. All the old tricks come back. But I gotta tell ya 6 days have taken it's toll on me. 5 of those nights have been mine, only one of the five shared. I bit the head off the lady at the card store when I purchased fathers day cards the Dad and Norm. Part of it was stress and the other resentment that I was doing this and no one from his side of the family...including him, wished me a happy mothers day. I gotta suck it up and get over it, but with all the events of the past 7 months, it's been hard to do.

Back to work... Mom's trying to escape from her gown, yet again.
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The Art of Dying

It's 5 a.m. and it's been another long, restless night for Mom Trafton. In a hospital chock full of doctors and nurses, state of the art equipment, round the clock care and a willing daughter, there's nothing to stave off the long arduous process of dying.

Although it's different for everyone, for Mom it means a lot of moaning, groaning, aches, pains and irritations. It means not eating or drinking and generally, checking out of the daily process. It also means precious moments of clarity, a smidgen of laughter and tons of feeling hopeless.

As I was trying to find mom a comfortable spot and asking her for the umteenth time "Mom, where does it hurt?" she looks into my eyes sweetly and says "Me". Although I smile back at her, I know that I can't help her if all of her hurts. Am I even helping at all? She's snoozing now and believe it or not, the skill you learn as a parent kicks in... You know, when your baby sleeps, you sleep"...so I'm gonna catch me a few moments while I can, but even with that comes guilt, because you know you're gonna sleep thru the moment when she wakes up and starts tearing everything off of her, monitor connections, wrist bands, oxygen, clothes and the nurses will come in and you feel like the worst daughter in the world cuz you didn't stop her in time.


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WTF...No Rant???

There's so many things to rant about these days…The direction of our Government, the passage of the Health Care Bill (I'm for reform, but I'd like to know what's in the bill before it's actually passed..wouldn't you?), that Bastard Jesse James cheating on my girl Sandra Bullock (there's an idiot that would trade prime rib for hamburger ground from the oldest cow that expired from disease…), The continuing saga of Tiger Woods, The ongoing Furlough arguments in California,  The husband in the doghouse, etc. But today, I say we take a break from the ranting and sniff the roses.

Yes my Peeps, the sweet roses of Freedom!!!  I will be off of work until next Thursday, as I am posting some "furlough" and we have Caesar Chavez day off at work (don't start me ranting about that one please!!!).  The man is going with his "manly friends" to ride Quads in the sand (well, due to his knee surgery, he won't be riding, he'll be the designated cook) during spring break and that leaves me alone with my kitties and hair straightening process for at least 4 to 5 days?  OMG…how long has it been since I've had the house to myself? 

We bought our home in 91, and for the most part, of almost 20 years, we've had people living in the house with us longer than it just being the two of us.  My brother, My Mother, My Sister, the Boy (we don't count him though cuz he's ours!), His Mom.  Just when we breathe a sigh of relief…here comes someone ready to move back in. I usually work a 4 day, 10 hour shift so I would have my Mondays with just me in the house, doing housework, vacuuming naked, etc.  That hasn't happened in a long time.  I miss those days when I could enjoy the stillness, sip my coffee, go out on the deck and smell the pine. It was my day to do what I wanted. 

Freedom is back and I can't wait! Everything has been so heavy since last July, with the project implementation, the death of my mentor, death of two friends, two parents with hospital stays, husbands knee surgery, kitty's pancreatitis, etc.  I need to feel the stillness again.  Dizzy needs to be in touch with herself (nasty peeps...I didn't say touch myself…although….). I'm gonna make my espresso, read a book, watch trashie Girlie flix on the boob tube, drink with my BFF.  Ah….all is right in Dizzyland.  And so my friends, I hope your weekend is as enjoyable as mine will be (knocking on wood aka head).

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Hope and Change

What is this whole direction of people saying they want "Hope and Change"? What exactly does that mean? Why are those two words so overly used right now?

Question - How do you feel about the economy? Answer – I'm looking for hope and change.
Question – Why are you out here protesting (regarding increased tuition in CA colleges)? Answer – Because we need hope and change.
Question – What are you looking for in a President? Answer – I want my President to bring hope and change.
President while campaigning…"I will bring hope and change".

Really People??? REALLY? I don't know about all of you, but when did it become the responsibility of the government, the President, your parents, etc. to bring hope and change? Isn't that really something that only you can bring? Doesn't your mindset and attitude have to be in the right frame in order for you to recognize hope and take action for change? Our system of democracy in the United States was built upon people who made change for themselves. They dared to hope for a different system of government and knew that the only way to get it was to change it. When did this "can do" attitude die?

We had an instance where a couple was at the obstetrician and was paying their bill. A lady was there and noticing them paying and told them "only suckers pay the bill when the government will pay it for you". I've no doubt in my mind that she's a "hope and change" person. But the couple was stunned because they know that it isn't the government paying this lady's bill…it was them, us, i.e. the taxpayers. Where's this lady's sense of pride and accomplishment in being able to provide for herself? Worse…she's going to teach this same mentality to her baby, thereby creating another generation of snotty, instant gratification, give me…feed me…love me..bring me hope and change, whimpy-assed social leeches!

Don't like what I'm saying? Suck it up people! I bring my own hope and change. If life and luck bring me lemons, as corny as it sounds, it's up to me to make lemonade, not for my government to provide me lemonade. You never know…one day, the government provided lemonade may be substituted with a Jim Jones Kool-Aid Cocktail and then you won't have to worry about it anymore

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News Media in Today's World

How do you feel about today's News Media?  Do you trust what you hear? Do they tell you everything and trust that you, as the adult hearing it, can make up your own mind? 

 

I, for one, cannot stomach the unrelenting diatribe that I hear on my local and world news.  I'm consistently being fed what they want me to hear, and not the full picture, i.e. not all sides.   I ask you…People..how many times can you listen to the Tiger Woods stuff and the endless line of women that are coming out of the woodwork? I don't want to know this crap.  This is not news!  But I'm being force fed these endless interviews until I shut the news off, so I don't see any of it.  And really, what is the point of watching anymore?  At least I can surf the web and get opposing sides of the stories and make up my own mind.

No, I'm not stupid enough to believe everything I read on the web….but at least the web offers me a choice.  It's getting to the point that we, the people, are being ridiculed if we don't agree with what we're being fed. 

 

Rachel Maddow appeared on David Letterman and proceeded with the following quote on global warming (she forgot to use the new buzz words "climate change")  QUOTE - "I think global warming, it probably means extreme weather of all kinds".  Really Rachel? Really?  You THINK it PROBABLY MEANS?  That's a freaking "I don't know" if I've ever heard one…  Science has shown that our global temperature has held steady for the past 8 to 10 years and in the grand scheme of our planets lifecycle (thousands of years), we're currently more than 5 degrees cooler than we have been.  

 

Let's stick with the first part of that sentence. If global temperatures have held steady…despite Countries like China ramping up their CO2 output….then this negates the argument held by Gore that we're responsible for Global Warming….so I guess Al needed to find a way to keep us all on the bandwagon and changed the name from "Global Warming" to "Climate Change".  Cuz let's face it folks, Climate Change can apply to just about anything!  Snow Storms on the East Coast???  Must be Climate Change.  No rain in Southern California??? Must be Climate Change.  And who force feeds us this pablum and expects us to swallow it all??? The Media.

 

Don't get me wrong…I believe that each of us has a responsibility to our environment and to our fellow man to keep our planet as clean and healthy as possible.  I'm not a green freak, and never will be. But, I do recycle, I do watch my electricity consumption, I watch my gas consumption (well, basically I watch my Durango suck gas like there's no tomorrow cuz I'm a commuter but I do try to carpool when I can), I pick up trash and don't litter, etc.  But I am not going to shove my agenda on others, or be a Green Cop out to crusade against all the evildoers for their horrible use of plastic.  I just don't want the media to shove this crap down my throat.  Is it too much to ask that they report local news or world news without bias?  Geez, what a concept! 

Sorry Peeps…I forgot to breathe.  Don't forget…"Political Correctness is just Tyranny..with manners".