Crossroads....

So tonight I've reached another crossroad. In my efforts to move on and forget about the past men of my life...I manage to entangle myself at both ends of the spectrum.  Yeah, a 35 year old man, and a 47 year old man. Not sure where this is going to go, but I'm just going to roll with it and have fun.

35 is young, but he has responsibility and he's extremely insightful and articulate.  He's fun, cute, and he's willing to take things at face value.

The 47 year old is opinionated, athletic and definitely has his own sense of self. He's not sure how to take me, because he wants to assume that I don't know squat, but I continue to surprise him.  There's something about his cocksure ways that is irritating, but fun. But here's the thing....

I realize that since I ended my marriage, that I haven't really been out with anyone older than me. They're all younger...even if only by a couple of months.  Is that a good thing? It's almost as if I have a fear of being with someone older than myself.  They don't have the same views, they tend to age themselves before their time. I'm not ready to go quietly. I want fun, excitement, challenge...etc.

But I don't want gratuitous sex.  It has to mean something or I'm not into it.  I don't mean marriage or a long term commitment...But there has to be something there. Ah well...

One step at a time.

Dealing with the Crazies...

So, I've been going out on dates, exposing myself to new people, experiences, etc.  Mainly trying to drive the current men in my life out of my head.  But exposing yourself to dates is exposing yourself to the crazies.   Case in point?

"K" and I went out Saturday night. We met at a restaurant and he must've contacted me 4 separate times to make sure I was really going to be there.  That alone, should've given me an indication.  We had a really nice time and caught a beer next door at the bar. The evening ended on a nice note, and while I didn't feel chemistry, I felt like we'd be friends and I love having guy friends. But he ends up emailing me late that night 1:30ish in the morning and twice the next day.  I'm busy Sunday and had plans with a girlfriend (we had a great time), so I don't respond till Monday morning.  To put this into context, I left his side about 36 hours before, and the email I get?

I get some high-maintenance girl email saying that I'm rude for not responding to his emails and that if I'm gonna write him off, to give him the courtesy of a response....WTF???  What am I...20?  I'm not the girl that's gonna run home after a date and instantly get a hold of him. I'm 50 fucking years old!!! I control my orgasms people!  I'm not a guy that's gonna shoot off his wad with a premature ejac! REALLY?  Needless to say, I won't be going out again with him. But I'm really nervous about going out now. No, he doesn't know where I live, or anything, but this is crap.  I'm too old for this bullshit.

It just makes you re-think this stuff and realize how lucky your friends are that are happily married.  And God knows, I'm happy for them.  I know I made the right decision to divorce, but I'm so glad I didn't know what was on the other side afterward...or it would've made the decision even harder.

Being 50

You know, I never really thought about 50 being a huge milestone.  Party wise, well...DUH! But I don't feel old. I'm showing signs of age, but I'm aging ok.

But then I look around me.  I look at men my age, but I don't think they look my age.  I think most of them look older. I think they act older. I think the things they're focused on are not necessarily the things I'm focused on.   Is it me?

Do I need to re-adjust my perception and come down to earth? Am I unrealistic? Are my expectations to high?  Am I conceited to want something more or to think that I am worth something more?  I'm looking around me and I'm not sure about what I'm seeing.  I just know that what I'm seeing isn't me. It doesn't feel like me.

Just some random thoughts and recalibration.

Settling

So I realized that I've been settling for some years now.  Settling on what I have and not what I could have, or even what I deserve.

In my marriage, I settled for being second...second to alcohol. I forgot how it felt to be pursued, to be treasured and wanted.  It seems like every relationship I've had in the past 30 years has been about working so hard to keep what I have.  Maybe because I'm afraid that I won't do any better or get any better.

I've worked so hard to be the woman that a man does not have to "try" around. I'm comfortable, I cook and give the back rubs etc.  But you know what?

I'm not doing it anymore. If a man wants to pursue me, treasure me, and treat me like I'm worth having, then I'll reciprocate.  But it will not be the other way around anymore.  You have to "try" if you want me! I want you guessing about what will keep me by your side.  I don't want you to expect that I'll be there.

You know...I get that life isn't fair, and that you have to work hard to get what you need.  But I've worked hard all of my life.  I've taken care of my family, and I continue to do so. But just once...I want the fantasy.  I want the earth shattering love stuff.  I want curly toes and I want someone who can't wait to be by my side, who can't wait to take me in their arms.  I want it all!!!

And you know what?  At this point in my life...at 50 years of age...I don't think it's too much to ask for...do you?