The Strength to Fight

"You have all the weapons you need.  Now fight!" - Sucker Punch

I was talking with someone last night and she sounded so weary. Just a little lost.  She's lost 80 lbs, which is a lot, but feels she has another 100 to go.  I do know that feeling and what she is experiencing...although not at the same level, but fairly close.

There are just days where you want to give up, and sometimes you do.  You figure that you'll just accept yourself as a heavy person and let it go.  Of course, the health issues kick your complacent ass, and tell you that you have to lose weight due to sleep apnea, high blood pressure and you find out heart disease runs in your family....GO FUCKING FIGURE!

In her case, she has health issues and her body produces too much insulin.  This makes losing weight so much harder. The great thing about her is, she's a skiier, so she's athletic and gets around. She also has a great attitude. She does have all the weapons she needs.  She just can't give up the fight.  I know that she realizes that it doesn't happen overnight. 

I get fairly insulted when people imply that my weightloss was overnight. REALLY??? It took almost 4 years, and it's a constant struggle every day to make the right choices and to exercise.  Since I'm a foodie, I have to exercise if I want to eat the things that I do.  While I eat fairly healthy, sometimes I like to have fun...especially on vacation.  I've had 5 different versions of Calamari on this trip, and I've enjoyed it.  But I've been exercising every day, and am making the transition to running. I also like my Fireball and Tequila..and everyone knows alcohol has calories....damn it.

So I hope she doesn't lose her spirit or get too weary.  The only advice I can give her is to not let weightloss be the complete focus of her life.  If it's the only thing you think about, every second of the day, it just isn't healthy. You are more than a weight number, so much more. Just keep it in check. 

Today my blog is a little shorter.  I've got plans tonight and we'll go from there.  Hope everyone is doing well!

"Don't Wanna Be More Dead Than Alive"

"She says 'Baby, I don't wanna be more dead than alive'" - Gavin Rossdale

I can honestly say that I've reached a point in my life where I'm more alive than I ever have been.  While visiting relatives, F kept saying that the difference in me was huge. She kept saying over and over how unhappy I was, but I'd always thought I did an ok job of hiding that.  It's something I never wanted my kid to see. And I sincerely hope he didn't.

I may want certain things I'll never have, but that won't stop me from living and being in the here and the now. It's not about the money (God knows, I don't have it) or the possessions, it's always about the people in my life.  They will always be the ones that make it better, and if they don't, well, they don't necessarily have to be a part of it...right?

I've learned that people come into our lives for a reason.  I may not know what that reason is, but I have to accept the gift at face value.  I find eventually that the purpose becomes clear or the lesson learned. The controlling part of me hates the fact that I can't always manipulate the outcomes of things, but knowing that there usually is a reason is ok. Sometimes, you never know the frakking reason and then you just have to give it up. 

Enough waxing philosophical here...I'm enjoying my last evenings here and can't seem to keep the door to the outside balcony closed.  I love the sound of the Ocean waves, the rush of wind, and the fresh salty air.  Even though it makes the room cold, I've been keeping the doors and windows open.  I just turn on the fireplace...good thing its gas, but I must be costing them a fortune...ha, ha.  Be home soon peeps!

Tuesday Fun

Although last night's fun is over, I certainly had a great time. It's always nice when people buy you shots and margaritas!  I got home safe and sound, finished watching my movie and went to bed.  

Today, I exercised, showered and headed downstairs to bring back my movies.  As I was at the ATM machine, M walks by and asks what I'm up to.  I told him I was going to hunt down a little lunchtime snack and he said "Let's go to lunch". 

As we're walking down the street together, he says "let's go eat Subway".  I just start cracking up.  Really??? Subway??  When there's so many places to visit around here?  He makes a comment about not having sophisticated tastes, and I correct him and tell him that it's not about that, but just stepping away from the ordinary. We head to a place called Norma's and it's exactly what I was thinking.

While we were there, his daughter came in to get the keys to the car, so I got to meet her.  She's very sweet and very pretty.  We had some great conversation and talked about using "E-tickets" and all sorts of odd bits of stuff.  It was fun.  We also talked about a certain "J" and I was upfront about my visit here.  Do I see something happening between me and M?  No, but that would totally fit my MO these days.  Go for a guy that you can't have a relationship with, who lives far away.  Yeah, I know....

Anyway, he's very sweet and nice, and I have the feeling that he's not a player.  We even discussed that whole thing. But again, we were just out having fun and a nice lunch.  

Afterward, we headed back to the resort and I saw S and chatted with her a bit.  Now I'm headed back down, so I'll finish up this blog in a bit.

I'm down the street at Dundee's sucking down a raspberry Shock Top and eating chips and dip. I refreshed myself on someone's post on FB and they said something interesting. They said..."Be Intoxicating".  Shall we break this down?

Definition of Intoxicate: to stimulate or excite.   This means that I don't have to be the most beautiful woman in the room. I just have to know myself well enough to accentuate my strengths and minimize my weaknesses. 

How many of us can say that we know ourselves well enough to do this? This means being completely honest with yourself and most of the time this is a difficult task.  I was describing myself to someone and they asked why I was so hard on myself. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as an honest assessment.

Do I see myself as ugly? No. But I have flaws and am able to recognize them. It's these flaws all put together that make my looks interesting. I'll never be the perfect model type, nor would I ever want to be. But I can point out my flat nose or the cleft in my chin, or the t-scar by my eye. It is what it is. This does not make me any less intoxicating as the woman next to me. I can be real about it. But in most cases, I'll be a hell of a lot more interesting than the model in the room because she's never had to develop a personality or intelligence. She's relied on her looks to get what she needs and unless the guy is looking for a trophy wife, she'll eventually bore him to tears!

There are exceptions to every rule of course, but the thought of "being intoxicating" is an interesting one and bears further scrutiny. I love the idea of being that woman that men find intoxicating and irresistible (except to loony-assed stalkers who leave notes on your car)!

Let's Raise Some Fucking Hell!!!

Dizzy's brought Hell....and she's coming with it!!! Don't believe me?? I've got on the tightest red pencil skirt in the universe, a VS bra top in black with black straps that is totally cool, a Moto Jacket in soft black leather and 4 inch black heels....suck it bitches!!!

I left my room and headed across the drive.  I walked through the front doors of the Seaside Resort and saw Jen. She looked at me and her eyes just knew. I yelled out...I'm going to raise some hell Jen, and she flashes me the "thumbs up". 

I met my friend S at Tora Sushi, and she invited two guys.  BAD S!!! I was in no mood to be around men, and I wasn't the most amiable chick, but they seemed to eat that up! I was a bitch, and they seemed to really like it! What the eff is up with you men? You fuckers totally go for women that will grind you under their 4 inch heels, bit run from women that want to support you and be the best thing for you. You totally suck! I don't really like being this person, but tonight I'm so not stopping myself!

After leaving the Sushi place, I'm at the Twisted Fish and sucking down a Blood Orange Margarita! The bartender here is one down chick! She gets my sense of humor and can toss the barbs with the best. Still.... 

I met a guy who was stationed at McClellan and knew the old haunts, I.e. Bombay's Bicycle Club and Baxters...Geez, I'm aging myself. Too fun! We compared notes, etc... Bought a vet a drink and laid a kiss on him. He's a happy man!

All and all it's a fucking good evening!

Addendum

I'm pissed off at the BBQ! One of the man skills I'm most proud of is my ability to BBQ. The WM BBQ effed up my record!  I just couldn't dial in the flame and my ribs burned.  They were ok on the inside but the outside is effing charred!!!

I'm having a silent screaming and teary moment!  Why the hell are my ribs burned? What the fuck? I think I'm having a bad evening and can't decide whether or not to drink my self silly in my room or go bar hopping without a wing man!  

And to make matters worse....THE WRONG MAN IS MESSAGING ME!!!  DAMN IT!!!!

Love at Seaside???

Today I found out that I'm more of a runner than I thought I was. I was walking my Seaside route down the promenade, turned down one street and was looking for the cross street. I ended up on Highway 101, but then found the street I was looking for. Unfortunately, there were cars in the way, so I broke out into a run...and I kept running...and running...and running. 

There was this point where I was thinking about stopping, but suddenly this feeling came over me and it was just working.  I was in sync with my breathing and my body and I just kept going. I'd say I lasted 2 miles before I stopped.  It felt really good.  I kept up my fast paced walking till I got back on the Promenade, then started again and ran until I got back to the resort.  Guess I'm gonna have to invest in some serious twin coverage to keep this gong.

It was a beautiful day today. The sun was shining, and I took care of some business. Visited with my WM Girlie "S". We had some serious laughs over this chick that walked in.  She had this hairstyle going on where she piled her hair on top of her head and using hair clamps, had this goofy mohawk think going on.  I had to turn my head I was laughing so hard.  My description does not do this style justice. But it felt good to laugh.  

I've been trading messages with a high school buddy and he says "I love you incidentally".  I wrote back a quip along the lines of "I'm sure you say that to all of your ladies". But its the second time in 24 hours I've heard something along those lines.  

The first time was yesterday when I said "Damn, I love your dirty mind" and the person responded back "And it loves you." Really? Did you just say you love me, or just your dirty mind loves me?  Is there a difference? 

I don't know love.  I don't think I'd know it if it smacked me upside the head with a 2X4. I thought I knew love, but this love didn't want me, it wanted alcohol. So what is love? You see the movies where, after enormous struggle and sacrifice, the couple end up riding off into the sunset...does it really work that way? 

I thought I loved, but for some reason it was never enough. If I loved someone whole heartedly and they don't love you back, or love you enough, doesn't it mean that your love radar is fucked up and you need to re-calibrate it?  And just how do you do that if you've never really known what it was in the first place?

I know the family love and the friendship love (in some cases, it's intertwined).  I would die for that love and I trust that love. I'm extremely thankful to have it.  It's the one on one, and in my case, the guy-girl thing I'm just not sure of. I've always been able to read bullshit lines but I feel like I'm completely vulnerable to bullshit right now. I don't trust myself to make any solid decisions about men. And I really miss having a man in my bed, i.e. waking up next to his warm body and the salty taste of sweat from his neck. 

I need to trust in myself, have more confidence in myself.  I do actually have that....when it doesn't count.  Do you know what I mean by that? I can own a bar and all the men in it (at least in my head) as long as I don't give a rats ass about any of them.  I have cool comebacks, and I saunter out of the room like I've made it my bitch...but as soon as there's a man in there that I like...well, I stammer like a teen in high school.  What's up with that?

Sorry...the Ocean makes me reflective and I'm sure the absence of alcohol in my system isn't helping.  I'm on vacation damn it and I need to relax.  I think I'm outta whack because I'm fortunate enough to have received male attention this vacation, but it isn't the male attention that I want. And I'm not really sure the attention that I want is good for me. So I'm trying to resist it. Yeah, I'm fucked up Peeps...and how was your day?

A Top Night

So yesterday, I ended up going into PTown for F's doctor appointment. While she did that, I did some tripping around this huge mall.  I forget the name, but blame that on the part of me that isn't "girlie". After that we went for some Hungarian Mushroom soup that was the absolute bomb!!!  So delish.  It was perfect so I wasn't bloated up for the evening, but still had something in my stomach for drinking.

When we got back, I put on my boots and my sweater dress, a little makeup and headed out.  Once again, Google maps took me right where I needed to go (Sorry Apple, but your map program absolutely sucks!). 

C & B live on the 13th floor of this high rise in the middle of downtown PTown.  The views of the river and the bridges was breathtaking. And the really cool thing was, we picked up without missing a beat.  I didn't feel the slightest bit awkward.  C left to get some more whipped cream Vodka and B and I were just yapping up a storm. We were sipping the whipped cream vodka with lemonade crystal light and it was really good.  Note to self: Remember this for summer.

When C returned, we got down to it an yapped for a  couple of hours. Time just absolutely flew.  We went and grabbed dinner that this New trendy mexican fusion place.  It was delicious.  I know you really don't want me to break down the specifics of my meal or theirs...suffice it to say, none of us was disappointed. 

Afterward, we headed to this bar a couple of blocks away that was more upscale than a dive bar, but definitely not hoity toity! Great laid back feel.  I swear that I got served one of the BEST margaritas I've ever had in a bar!  This sucker went down so smooth and yummy.  I would've drank more if I wasn't driving later....DAMN THE BAD LUCK!!!  Definitely on my list to visit again. 

C, B and I traded back stories and did more laughing and jokes.  It was just freaking awesome. C said that he couldn't believe that I actually visited.  As he says..."you meet people on vacation, and you say that you'll get together, but you never do.  Someone doesn't show up, etc."  He's right.  I've been guilty of it myself.  But sometimes, special people walk into your life and you have to recognize it and not let it go.  I don't intend to.

It was a top night!  

_____________________________

Today I left F & S's place and headed back to Seaside...after I reconnected with a friend.  I've made a pot of chowder and I'm sitting on my deck enjoying the ocean view and watching this gull fly circles in the Atrium area of the resort. I know he's looking for a snack, but you can actually be ticketed here for feeding them.  If Dizzy isn't doing a mexican jail...she damn sure isn't doing an Oregon one!  

Until tomorrow Peeps.  I hope you all are enjoying your Memorial Day Weekend.  Although every day is Memorial Day, I    am thinking about the sacrifices made for my freedom, and I am exceedingly grateful! 

P Town

So we went into Portland this morning to do some sightseeing and lunching.  We ended up at the Bistro.  Really great food.  I had the Crispy polenta with poached eggs and asparagus. Of course we had drinks because it's 5 o'clock somewhere...mine was a vodka, grapefruit with some pink stuff in it.  It was really delicious and by the time we left, I needed to walk it off.

We got on the transit and headed to Nordstrom Rack because F wanted to find some pants.  Of course, I'm the one that ends up spending some money.  I needed a white belt (not expensive), and I picked up a winter rain jacket with a hood.  It's a Michael Kors, so you know that even at a discount, it's gonna cost. However, it has classic looks and will be used for years to come.  Plus, I couldn't find something like it in Sacramento, and I can use it for work over dresses, etc. Still a Franklin and some Lincoln's later, and I'm not happy spending the money while on vacation. It was still a good buy though, so I'll just let it go.  At least I did NOT pay full price for the damned thing.

I got to see some cool areas and look forward to tooling around Northwest 23rd, because it's such a great looking area.  I may not make it this trip, but I will be back, maybe the summer of 14 to check it.  The shops are the bottom parts of the houses and set back from the street. Lots of trees and extremely eclectic. And the people watching....forgetaboutit!

F pointed out some great sights and explained how P Town is broken up by the river and Burnside.  That was cool too. We then headed home, proceeded to drink some awesome wine and made a dinner of steak, roasted brussel sprouts and baked potatoes.  It was a top night.  

Now for tomorrow night with C and B in P Town..bar hopping and having a great time.  I think I'll head back to Seaside on Saturday.  I was invited to a great party on Sunday, but I really don't know these peeps, and I feel weird about party crashing. We'll see. G'nite peeps.

Camas

Today started off packing for a visit to the relatives in Camas.  Hard to know what to pack when you don't know what you're doing or who you're seeing. I managed to pack everything but my toothbrush...and if you know me, you know that I take my oral hygiene extremely serious.  There are not many people that will drive 100 miles round trip to visit their dentist (he's fab and my teeth are Golden, so you don't eff with a sure thing!).

Before I made the trip, I stopped off at O'Reilly Auto Parts to get my passenger tail light fixed.  Those guys are awesome and I'll remember to write a card to the manager.  They popped it in for me and managed to secure it because it was missing some rubber gaskets.  While they did that, I checked my oil and added some as it was a scoosh low. 

Off I went, through Astoria and down the road.  The drive was good.  It was rainy, but fortunately for me, the people around here are used to it, so they don't drive like fucktards! I couldn't have asked for a better drive.  The only issue I ran into was the iMaps versus Google Maps.  As much as I love my iStuff, Google wins hands down. The iMap took me into uncharted territory about 8 miles from my destination. After calling my sister-in-law "F" (I call her that, though she isn't really and I'm divorced), I pull up the Google map and it takes me right to her house. Not only that, but I managed to make a wrong turn, and it instantly recalculated the route.  Sweet!

F greeted me warmly and away we went.  We didn't stop talking for the rest of the evening, so here it is past the witching hour and I'm taking a moment to update the blog before sleep. We ended up going out for appetizers and drinks and chatted up a blue streak.  She said that the waiter was obviously hitting on me, and I laughed, but I don't really think that's the case. He's just a smart cookie that knows if you flirt with the ladies, the tips are big. 

We waited for her husband "S" to show and chatted it up some more.  She managed to clear a bottle of wine herself. I had some cool drinks, i.e. 2 Pink Lei's, I forgot the name of the other tropical drink and a vodka cranberry.  They were exceedingly delicious. Afterward, we headed home and I got the tour of the green house and the beautiful back yard.  Their home sits on the top of a hill and you can see to the coastal mountain range on a clear day.  Pretty damned sweet! 

Tomorrow is a new day, so I better head to bed. G'nite peeps. Hope your adventures are as fun as mine!

Just Another Tuesday

Where I find notes on my truck and get weirded out!

The day started out well with exercising and stretching my limbs. After a shower, I headed down to talk to S about her douche guy (before I found the note) and did some verbal sparing with M. This guy is pretty quick on the uptake. He gives as good as he gets, and one comment of his turns me red and has me stumbling on my words and laughing uproariously! He thinks I'm cute, and I've been told he's going to ask me out.  

It's a little strange to switch gears on how you thought your trip would go, backtrack and take another route. I don't know that I'm ready for it, but S assures me that this guy is not a player. Of course, it isn't a commitment or anything else.  It's just a frakking date, but I still don't know that the hell I'm doing when it comes to men, and my Douche Player Radar needs some tuning, so I know that's all it will be...a date. And I'm ok with that.

I left there and headed to the Dodge dealership to get a new tail light cover. However, they only sell the whole tail light unit and it would take a couple of days to come from Portland. So they send me over to O'Reilly's Auto Parts for red tape.  When I tell them what I need, they assure me they can get me a cover by tomorrow morning. The great thing is, the owner update AE card covers most of it, and I'm only 20 bucks out of pocket.  SWEET!

I head back to Seaside knowing I've accomplished something but still extremely weirded out by the Stalker. After I get back, I head over to talk to S about the note.  The bad part is that she already texted Stalker and told him he's a Douche and when he asked why, she said "Ask your friends...they'll tell you". He probably assumed we had discussed the note, but this was before. I'm sure he thinks I found the note yesterday. 

I do some walking to blow off a little steam and come back and change for happy hour.  I'm wearing a lace see thru racerback top with a black over jacket, tight blue jeans and my boots. Yes, you can see my bra through the top, but I really don't give a rats ass.  I'm in a mood.  I get a call from S and find out that Taros (Tara's?), the japanese restaurant is closed so she suggests we meet at the Irish Pub.  Dont' have an issue with that.  We had fun laughing and comparing notes. Although I don't tell her any names, I tell her a bit about what I'm doing here at Seaside. We had fun laughing over that too.  She really is a cool chick and I'm extremely appreciative that she's taken my mind off of the mundane and just made this part of the trip memorable.  

I end up leaving there and heading back. Changed my clothes and headed to the front desk to ask about leaving something there. Then I head back out to see the sunset.  It's raining, but it's beautiful. Afterward, I take a short walk and then grab a beer at Sams, where I meet Lance (I use his full name cuz he's a complete stranger and I'll never see him again). He talks about being from Cali but transplanted to Spokane. He had some stories and was quite amusing.  We were laughing about the drunk people at the bar, and one of the ladies asked if we were together (I think she wanted poor Lance), so I piped up that we've known each other for years...didn't she see us walk in together??? She left well enough alone, and Lance leaned over and thanked me.  I asked if he was sure, because I certainly didn't want to be vag-blocking him.  He started laughing. 

After we finished our beers, we went our separate ways and now I'm finishing this episode of the blog.  

Quite a busy day today for Dizzy!  G'nite peeps!

Stalker Update

So, because I didn't take the truck to the dealership yesterday, I totally missed a message that the stalker left on the door handle of the Durango. The message reads:

"Good Morning!  It was nice to see you last night. I enjoyed hearing you sing. I just hope you weren't too bruised up from your fall.  You kind of threw me a curve ball when you said I was a player. I really didn't know how to respond. If that means being attracted to you, then I guess I am guilty! I hope you have a sparkling day - if you go look at that Camero - ask for Chris & tell him I sent you there! Call me: 503-###-####. I'd love to hang out with you & I'll even been your personal tour guide!!!  JP"

As I'm driving to the dealer, I start dissecting this action of his. and I start to get really weirded out by the whole thing.  Let's break this down Dizzy Style:

1.  The Durango was in a private parking Garage (there is a public part, but there's an arm that you have to use a WM key for to access where my Beast was parked. This means that he had to bypass the arm by walking past it.

2.  The Durango was parked on the 4th floor. This means he had to walk 4 floors of the parking garage looking for my beast. 

3.  The note was waiting for me for the next morning. Which means that after I left him standing on the street, he took his stalker ass to the garage,looked for the Durango, and wrote his note, in the middle of the night,so I would find it the next morning.

4.  A norman person would've just left a note at the front desk. 

Am I wrong here people? This is after me explaining to him that he's a player because he was hitting on me when he clearly came to see my (supposed) high school buddy!!!

Peeps, I'm just an average Jane here.  Well, looks-wise I'm an average Jane, but personality wise, I'd say I'm different, unusual and fun. But I'm nothing to go completely gaga over.  What is this guy's damage? I'm fairly comfortable that I could kick his ass if I had to, but I really am weirded out because I'm in foreign territory here.  These are not my stomping grounds, they're his!  I just need to keep my wits and common sense about me. I did let the resort peeps know, so we'll see what happens.  

I'm headed to Toro's for some sushi appetizers. I'll blog later tonight about the usual day's activities.

Addendum

Ran into Ku (The Pineapple from Hawaii) and he gives the greatest hugs!  Just kind of envelopes you, even though he's not a big guy. And his smile is to die for!

Hit the pool and jacuzzi and it was nice. There were quite a few people in the jacuzzi I was in. Including this Russian family, which I don't care about the russian part, but they only spoke russian to each other, and it's hard to reach a zen moment when there's a language thing going on in the background. 

There was this other young guy (early 30's) who positioned himself across from me so he'd have a nice view of my rack. Good luck with that buddy, cuz you're never touching them. I can tell the twins don't like you because they lost their hard on, and the twins rarely ever lose it!  After these three older gentlemen and 3 younger boys got in, it was a little too crowded for Dizzy's serenity, so she headed to the pool to do some laps. Hey...she spots another jacuzzi at the other end...yippee!!!

She gets out and heads to the other one. It's ok...for awhile.  One couple leaves and I move away from the ladder into the vacated spot. I'm zenning with my eyes closed and this couple moves from the end they were at, to my end, and won't shut the fuck up!  They've got a frakking comment for everything!  Can't they see I'm trying to Zen here???  Is there no common sense, no courtesy???  No, we live in a world where everyone thinks the world revolves around them and they don't give a second thought to anyone else's feelings or observe the world around them.  Well...I got two words for you people....FUCK YOU! 

All in all...I still had some moments of relaxation, and I love a hot tub, makes me miss my monster one at home, although it's getting too warm for the hot part. And for some strange reason, I'm really missing my kitty JazzyKat right now. I could do with some purring and some kitty snuggling....It's raining, and I have the door to the patio wide open so I can hear it.  I love the sound and the smell.  I have half a mind to go walking in it, but I know I'd give my BFF "K" a heart attack if I did that...still....G'nite peeps.

A Seaside Monday

I started off the day early with a walk on the Promenade. The Promenade is 1.8 miles long and I speed walk it. Actually, I make a loop by going up 6 blocks or so, and walk the length, come back down and end up on it again. So about 4.5 mile, although they're easy miles compared to the ones I used to do in Foresthill. 

I realized that I can see the expression on my face through the faces of the people I'm coming up on during my walk. I guess I have this real kick-ass expression because they mirror it back, and then I unleash a smile, and they have big ass grins on their faces. I can tell that I'm exorcising demons, whether consciously or unconsciously. But then, that is what this trip is all about, Boys and Girls. I needed the ocean to wash the stench of death from my aura and I needed to take care of one loose end, which has basically been done. 

Yes, I'm here to see relatives (Wednesday) and friends (Friday night), but I also needed this time for me. I know that the thread I'm hanging from is thin and anything unexpected could snap it. But I also know I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. It's just once in a while, I need to not be strong. I need a harbor to rest in and the ocean is it for me. She reminds me how small I am in the grand scheme of things. 

I didn't end up going to the Llam Dodge Dealership because I just couldn't stand the thought of being in the vehicle again on such a beautiful sunshine day. So I didn't waste a moment of it.  I had an awesome appetizer of Calamari at Maggie's on the Prom.   If you know me, you know I'm always searching for the ultimate Calamari. I've probably had at least 100 different versions, and this one is in my top 5.  Extremely light batter with crispy sesame seeds and extremely tender.  The only thing that keeps it from the top is the cocktail sauce. ORDINARY! It needed to be something spicy, thai perhaps. But I will definitely be eating it again before I leave.

I didn't end up having breakfast or lunch with my WM friend, but that's ok. I wasn't sure how to break the news of her boytoy fucking Douche!  I will though, because that's what down girls do. No matter how bad the news is, or we don't want to hear it, I expect my Girlies to throw down (and lately, I haven't liked their two cents, but they're honest, and I'm appreciative). So come tomorrow, I'll tell her. 

I have to admit that I liked treating that A-hole like shit. I know that's mean. He said that I wasn't having an affect on him "like water rolling off a ducks back" he said. But he kept repeating it, so that alone told me I was bugging him.  I shouldn't care about being mean to a "playa" but I was just not in the mood to put up with anymore shit from a man. He's the unfortunate bitch that got the brunt of my ire.  Fortunately I didn't run into him today.

Because today was such a fantastic day, I ended up by the pool lounging in the sunshine.  No, I had my clothes on cuz there was a slight chill in the air, but it felt good.  I will be hitting up the pool at 9 pm (adult hour).  The cool thing about this place is the employees pretty much know that I'm here by myself and they take the time to tell me things like where the great hikes are, the cool bars, etc. I'm always amazed by the customer service I get. I'm sure my personality has NOTHING to do with it. 

I heard from my Boy who lives in Tulsa.  He's safe and although selfish, I'm greatly relieved. I pray for the families of everyone impacted by the tornadoes, but I cannot imagine a life without my boy in it. I think it would kill me. I'm already struggling with life without his brother. And just the thought gives me an inkling of what his brother's mother is feeling, and I don't know how she does it. Ok...tears are welling up..I'll be back.

___________________________

I took my walk in the evening, i.e around 7 pm.  Gorgeous.  The beach was tranquil and cool, and the clouds had come back in.  As I was walking toward the resort, I see some swings in front of it.  I haven't swung in quite awhile (no, Cabo doesn't count), so I hopped on and went for it.  I was going so high that my butt would lift from the seat.  I remembered why it is I love rollercoasters.  I think that's where we get our first feel for heights and stomach flips. I don't know what people were thinking about a woman in her 40's swinging on the swing, and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. My hair was flying, and I was in the zone. I didn't remember it taking any energy to swing when I was younger, but I was holding on and making those "uh" noises every time I'd swing my legs up and lean back.  When I got off, about 20 minutes later (stop with the dirty mind stuff bitches!), my hands were dark red. 

Sometimes we just need to let it go. Although childhood sucked for me, there were moments...like being on a swing, that made everything ok. Don't be surprised to find me on those swings again before I leave.  Note to Self...Beanster and I need to hit the swings more often. 

Ok, I'm going to finish my glass of wine and put on my suit and head to the pool. Here's a couple of pics...G'nite Peeps.

#%&$! Caught!

The Douche caught me! The effer admitted into going into every bar, starting at one end of Broadway! REALLY?  Should I be worried "Stalker"? OMG...I didn't know how to escape. He rattled on about this and that. 

He talked about going to school with a couple of guys that ended up SEALs, but how he was tougher than they were (yeah, I believe that, Mr. I have trouble walking due to my arthritic toe). He's trying to convince me of seeing his friend who is a car dealer for a deal on a Camero...like I'm really going to do that!  And he knew just about every chick that walked into the joint. Cha...Whatever PLAYA!

He asked me why I was so hard on him and I flat out told him that it bothers me that he was visiting with (as far as he knows) my buddy from high school and he's hitting on me.  He said that they were just friends and that he can't help it if he's attracted to me..REALLY? Go hit someone else with the sucker stick Buddy! I've already been bludgeoned to death with that stick this weekend, and I'm not going for another dose!  

He never did change his shorts, and I called it an early evening and started the walk back, and he decided he had to escort me because he's a "gentleman".  Wonder if he saw my finger going down my throat? When we get to the card key door, he asks me again for my number and I told him that I don't give my number to playas! He asked me how he was supposed to get a hold of me, and I said "You don't". He wasn't a happy camper. I then entered the doorway and shut it, proceeded to walk up the hallway ramp and not look back and rounded the corner...then there's this heavy knocking on the door, and these ladies in the hallway said "I think that's for you, and it must be a man". I said that he's not a man, he's a Douche! They laughed. Damn it...is this guy gonna be stalking me the entire trip? He's already given me his card, tells me that he's my tour guide, and wants to take me hiking...yeah, NO! 

Here's Dizzy after one crazy evening!  No K, I'm not jumping off any ledges, but I am going to hire some authentic voodoo bayou priestess who will cut off a few chicken heads and whatever voodoo that she do so well, to rid me of the fucking "J" curse forever!

  

Douche Avoidance

Ok, had a Shock Top at the Irish Pub. Wish I could've stayed cuz the atmosphere was great, but I have to stay mobile. Now I'm at the Twisted Fish. So far, so good! Wish me luck peeps! Good thing this particular douche doesn't read my blog!

P.S. DOUCHE ALERT

It's my habit to see the sun set on the ocean. So after dinner I put on some Denim, thigh high black boots and my moto jacket and headed out. I stopped by the front desk to ask where I could stir up a little shit and got the locale of a couple of pubs. I maybe got 200 yards outside and the douche found me!

He wanted to know what I was up to and where I was headed. He asked for my phone number but I told him I don't give my number to playas (well, I did to one, but my radar was busted). So he wanted to know what bar I was gonna drink at so he could buy me a drink. I told him I didn't know. And he asked how he could do it if I didn't tell him which one. I told him "if you find me, you can buy me a drink. He headed home for some long pants (wuss).

So the trick will be to get my beer on and get back without him finding me dammit!

This wasn't how I planned my Sunday evening. I'll keep ya updated.

Can You Say Douche?

So last night I told you about meeting new friends.  The girl I met "S" introduced me to the guy she's been hanging with (another fucking "J") and the three of us were talking.  He asked me where I knew "S" from and I lied and said that we're old high school buddies and I surprised her with a visit. He was like "Seriously...You guys went to high school together?" and S picked up the ball and kept it going. 

However, S was working, so I walked around and looked at the art on the walls while finishing my wine. I'm staring out the windows watching the surf and J comes up and starts talking about surfing and asked if I surfed.  No, I'm a diver, I reply. And he goes off on this rant about the great surfing and points to a point to the south of us where there's some great surf.  I was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing (come to find out, top surfers from all over the world come to surf it, so he was trying to show off, and it went completely over my head...ha ha) and asked if he's asked "S" to surf. He said no, she's a land lubber.  I replied that you never know, you could teach her.  And he responds back with a comment about teaching me a few things. I told him that everything about him smacks "player" and I'm not playing. He says that he's not that way, but he's hitting on me when he clearly came to see S.  That is so not cool. 

I end up leaving around 7 and S tells me this morning that J was asking about me, wanted to know what room I was staying in, wanted to know why I left, etc. I felt so bad. Here I just made a new friend and her guy is acting like a complete douche, and I didn't even encourage it.  I told him that the guy employee was my boytoy and that we were getting together later to enjoy some bondage. Even that didn't blow this guy off.

S and I exchanged numbers and we're going to have breakfast together tomorrow.  She's a down chick. After I left her this morning, I go and walk the entire promenade, and make this loop of the downtown area. Really beautiful little place. Extremely picturesque. I drop back in on S and she tells me J dropped in to find out where my room is and to connect with me.  Now I really feel like shit. I asked her if she told the Douche to fuck off and that there was no way in hell I would touch him with a 10 foot pole. She laughed and said that she'd keep him as a friend, but there was no way she was pursue him as a love interest.  Good Girl! I still feel bad though. 

I asked her where the closest grocery store was because I need some salad to go with the manicotti I'm cooking tonight.  She tells me where it is and says that I may need my car. She doesn't know me very well. That Safeway was such an easy hike, it's laughable! Brought back some veggies and stuff in my backpack.  Then I hit the front desk and picked up a couple of movies.  One of the girls behind the desk said I looked like a hiker and told me about a cool hike about 15 minutes from here.  I think I'm going to get directions and tackle it on Tuesday. 

I'm back in the room and put the baking pan of manicotti in the oven.  I'm on my second Negra Modelo, and I'm doing great! Now, if I could just stop thinking about work, I'd be golden.

Seaside

So I arrived at Seaside a little earlier then I had intended.  I did stop at Tillamook and picked up some cheese and smoked oysters. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....FUN! I had time to kill before my room was ready, so I did an owner update (got a $75 AE card that should cover my tail light cover) and met this really cool hawaiian guy. Turns out he knows Ben and Sergey from Cabo.  We had a cool time laughing and joking and he told me about the wine walk that was going to start at 3. He said a bunch of the WM peeps were going and I should go too.  I agreed.

After getting into my room, and securing my gear, I headed down, got my wine glass and away we went. The wine walk goes down Broadway and any store that has a red flag is serving wine and appetizers.  WooHoo!!!  People are friendly here.  Not sure if it was me, or the peeps, but everyone wanted to share their story.  This one couple mentioned that I was standing in the exact spot his wife was when they got into a fight last year.  Then he pulls up a picture on his phone of the two of them getting into it.  Too funny!!!

Ended up at the WM wine venue and I meet two more funny WM employees. Got a phone number from one, and I'm supposed to call and meet up tomorrow. No peeps.  It's not a hookup. This employee is a girl and I met her boytoy.  She was fun and walked me over to this bar and introduced me to the bartender and told him I'd be back later and to take care of me (he did). I met another one named Miles and this guy thought he could "one up" me in the barbs....amateur!  He didn't know the bitch he was dealing with.

I came upstairs and changed out of my boots, brown mini skirt and GS sweat jacket and traded it for some black leggings, a white racerback tank with the flag on the front, and a Special Forces black pullover and headed to the beach.  It was nice to suck in the salt air and feel the rain and wind on my face.  The beach here is really cool...large, long, sandy.  I look forward to seeing it in the sunlight, but the clouds and the waves seemed to suit my mood.  It's all good.

I headed back to "Sams" (I think that's the name of the bar) and had a shot of tequila, a beer chaser and some oysters.  While I was sittling there, this guy comes up and tells me a couple of naughty jokes and asks me if I golf.  If I had to guess, he was in his early 30's. Very cute smile.  I told him that the only thing I do well is drive the golf cart...and I'm a fucking great golf cart driver!!! He asked if I'd golf with him tomorrow.  I laughed.  We chatted and he went back to his friends.  When I got up to leave, he yelled out and asked me "Is that it?" I asked him what he wanted. He asked again..."Is that it?"  So, with a bar load of people I say from across the room..."What do you want...for me to blow you?" (yeah...well...you should've heard his jokes).  He said "I want to take you golfing tomorrow". And I said..."I'll call you" and walked out.  Yeah, I don't have his number and he didn't give it to me. I'm such a skank...but a fun one!

And so ends the 1st night at Seaside. I'm sitting in front of the fire with my second shot of Fireball, music playing and wrapping up this blog for the evening.  I think I'm gonna stretch out my muscles in the morning in the GYM.  Yeah, I know it's Sunday...God's Day...but after over 700 miles of driving, I feel the need to push my body to the physical limit.  We'll do that first thing, and while we're still sweaty, take a walk around downtown. YEAH BABY....YEAH!

Sweet dreams Peeps.

Seaside at night....from my windows...during the day, it's the ocean!

Yachats!

Well Posse, I'm blogging from an outside table at a restaurant called Ona's in Yachats, coastal central Oregon.  I'm tired as hell due to no sleep the past week.

I ended up losing the passenger-side tail light cover, so I'll have to see if I can pick one up this week.  However, they upgraded my room to an ocean view for free, so if the tail light cover is the worst that happens, I'll be pretty freaking lucky!

Since I'm driving by myself, I didn't want to do the whole drive in one day, so I think I did pretty well as far as distance.  Only made one stop, but I should've drank more water. My ankles and finger are swollen. But who the fuck cares??? I'm on vacation peeps!!!

My only real worry is the encryption project and my team members. They were having hardware issues when I left them yesterday and I'm hoping it all got straightened out.

Just noticed the sun peeking thru the clouds and I'm missing the view, which is more important than blogging peeps.  See ya!

One More Frakking Day!!!

I am so DONE!  I have one more day and then blissful vacation! Today was just non-stop...meetings, people, discussions, writing, complaints....where does it all end???  It ends at 2:20 tomorrow!  That's when I run screaming from the building!

In the meantime, I got the waxing torture out of the way, so I'll be smooth on vacation...YEAH!  Love Shayna!  The ex brought dinner over while I worked on my laundry and taking care of business.  He, unfortunately, didn't know when to leave, and I hate to be rude.  He also said to call him if I need his help on the journey. I was really clear that I had a number of people I could call and not to worry. He somehow managed to extract a promise of a text when I arrive at my destination...damn it! I even told him...again...that I am not his worry. It's my job, and in the future, it will belong to whomever I deem worthy, but it's not his. Ah well.

Not quite packed yet, but working on it.  Getting close. I'll save the Ice Chest for last. It occurs to me that I don't have a rain coat. Ah well, I'll figure it out. Yes, I'm expecting rain, which I don't mind...I just need to be prepared.  Uh oh...I hear the neighbor wheeling out the garbage, and I haven't done it yet.  Guess I need to cut this blog short.

Until tomorrow...

The Drummer Isn't Diz!

Today, I’m running on no sleep.  UGH!  I had coffee with an extra shot, but I’m a bit spacey.  It was horrible last night.  I kept thinking about details and they just wouldn’t subside. Every time I turned my head, the clock was just creeping along.  Just when I would start to drop off, something in my head would startle me awake and the process would begin all over again.  Finally, I just got my tushie out of bed at 3 and got on the StairMaster. At least that part of my morning went without a hitch.

Today, Dizzy was dancing to the tune of someone else’s drummer….and she doesn’t like that! The first drum beat was an 8 a.m. meeting….REALLY???  Must we have a meeting this early people? We can’t schedule one for say…I don’t know…9 a.m.???  Then I had to postpone my 9:30 meeting to 10 and this one was the one for outlining our steps to begin encryption of the tapes going offsite. So, I’m personally vested in this.  My team ROCKS!  They’ve tested and they’re fairly comfortable with what needs to be done, but I’m always nervous during implementation. They’re the technical people and they do the hard work.

Then it was on to an 11 a.m. meeting with a Division Chief to garner more information for my latest project. There are still two more meetings to go (I’m drafting my blog while chomping on a salad for lunch), and I won’t be leaving the office before 5… Dizzy doesn’t like 11 hour days, but it could be worse.  Boy, I’m a whiny candy ass today! Let’s chalk it up to lack of sleep.  I still need to make a couple of stops before going home and continuing my packing efforts.

Got the news last week that I’m receiving another award, along with my ETL Project Team.  I don’t need another award, and I’m not sure that I deserve one.  My team, on the other hand, totally deserves the award.  Every one of the members went above and beyond to complete the project and had to put up with a number of obstacles. I’m really lucky that I work with such great, talented and intelligent people.  They could make Obama look good!  Ah well.  I’ll be planning a huge BBQ effort at my crib, now that I have the new BBQ, to honor past and present team members.  I’m hoping June or July, but I’d like my retired Sponsor to be there…so I’d better email her!

See??? More details....ok, Finally home now and blogging in real time.  I got off work closer to 6 and stopped at the store to pick up a lock for my gun case. As I was coming out, there was a veteran selling hats!  Uh Oh...You KNOW Dizzy can never pass up a service man and not buy a hat! So we chatted and I ended up completing my Armed Forces collection.  I've now have Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and Marines!  He was such a sweetie too...a little too old for me...I think he was in his 70's, but never too old to flirt!  

I just got an email from a couple I met in Cabo, and they're totally up for meeting me for drinks in Portland!  WoooHooo! They were such a cool couple...total opposites, but have been married for 25+ years? She's a tall, bigger woman and he's a short skinny guy, but together....they are formidable!  I laughed so hard and partied like there was no tomorrow with those two!  So looking forward to it!

And now...It's just best that Dizzy wrap this up and put some more stuff away before she heads to bed. And now I'm continuing my tradition of talking in the 3rd person...I'm weary! G'nite Peeps!

Moanday

I saw this on FaceBook this morning and thought it was funny.....

NICE!!!  Wonder what Saturday is gonna be?

Anyway, it was busy, but I knew it would be.  It'll be crunch time all the way up till I leave on Thursday. Just all these meetings and wrapping up projects. I have 5 meetings tomorrow and meetings are the bane of my existence! It's part of the reason I haven't gotten into "management".  Although they're not necessarily "Dance Monkey Dance" meetings, they are with the executive staff, so Dizzy has to put on her professional face...yes Bitches....I can be professional! I also have to be careful because the more stressed out I am, the more I swear, and I can't be having any slip ups at work.

I came home and hit the ground running! I mowed the entire property and chopped down some weeds.  It needed to be done because it'll be tall when I get back. It looks good though, and I got compliments from my neighbors. I didn't get into the house until almost dark. Headed to the shower, made some soup and packed the kitchen tub for the trip. It's still missing some stuff, but all the alcohol is in it...YeeeeeHawwww!!!  Packed Patron, Fireball, Todd Taylor, Elevation 10, etc.  Yes, I packed wine because the relatives that I'm visiting drink wine, so I know they'll (she'll) appreciate it.

So now just a quick blog and then I head to bed. I'm already late for a weekday and 3:15 comes too early.  Got some jokes from my work buddies today.  They're concerned that I'm driving into the sunset by myself and think I may end up missing.  I started cracking up, because I am bringing protection (although they don't need to know that). They're worried about who I may meet up with and stuff.  I told them that I have a BFF that will get a daily text from me, and if she doesn't hear from me, she'll take care of business. I also told them they should be more concerned about the people I meet up with and that they're the ones that could end up "missing".  They laughed over that one.

Although, speaking of protection, I need to purchase condoms.  What kind of condoms does a single girl purchase?  Is one better than another? Can I get "Glow in the Dark" ones? Do they come in assorted sizes, colors, shapes?  It's been awhile and well, I just don't know.  Can I go to Costco and get a huge box of assorted, so I don't have to sweat it?  "Yeah, I'm looking for a big, huge box of assorted condoms....do you carry those?"  "Hey Bitch, I'm not a hooker!...I just want to make sure my guy has choices...is there anything wrong with that???"  God...I need to head to bed, I'm tired and not making much sense.

G'nite Peeps!

Bittersweet Mother's Day

What an evening!  I got a call from my boy and we talked for almost an hour.  This kid is the most important thing I've ever invested my time in and he's so smart, so witty, so there! How did I get so lucky? We just had a great time talking.

I cooked dinner for my mother, and she showed up an hour and a half late.  Ah well...this is what happens when the world revolves around her and no one else.  At least I didn't burn the lobster chowder. I made her Caesar salad with home made croutons, Lobster chowder and Grilled lobster.  I think she was happy with the menu.

It actually turned into a really nice evening.  But there was this moment, on the patio, where I knew, that the tide will never reverse, and I'll always be the matriarch...the head of this family, and that isn't the role I would've chose for myself.  After talking with my mother this evening, I know, that while I've changed the rules for myself, I'll always have this responsibility, this burden, of handling the family business, and I never wanted it. I don't want it now.

I've lived my entire life for other people. I've lived by the rules, by a code of conduct that wasn't of my choosing. I'm finally at an age where I know better and I'm willing to take risks, and even now life, fate, God is deciding what I can and can't take risks on.  And I'm rebelling and I can feel it welling up inside me. It's fighting to get out and just live and I'm torn.

Don't get me wrong Peeps, it was a more successful Mother's Day than I would've anticipated.  My Mom and I chatted and had fun, talked about the future and things. But I just feel this angst running under my skin that just wants to fucking let it all ride. Life is so short. I've lost so many people that mean something to me. I feel like they've delivered a message...first hand, that I need to make every second count, before it's too late. But the pressures of work and family make it difficult to just let it all fucking fly.  Am I even making sense?  Yeah, I know, I need a vacation.

I was hoping to mow part of the lawn this evening, but my mother was late. So, I'll have to do it tomorrow or the next day.  This week is filled with meetings, appointments for work..not to mention my wax appt on Wed. nite, my hair on Thurs. nite, and my mani/pedi Friday morning before I leave for vacation.  UGH!!!  Plus my bedroom looks like a hurricane hit it because I want to make sure I pack the right stuff. Jayzus...really Diz?

I'm so frakking nervous about this trip. It's my first real foray  into the unknown.  Into the abyss called Divorced Life.  Don't get me wrong, I've been without a partner for a number of years, but I've never gone off on my own without having my BFFs waiting on the other side. I'm weirded  out by the whole thing, but I am strong, and I come packing with a Sig .40, so anyone fucking with me is fucking with the wrong woman.  Still....

Anyway, gotta go to bed, cuz I'm going to be up early to kick the shit out of Vin.

G'nite Peeps!

WOW!

What a frakking awesome day!  I got up and made salsa and beans. Afterward, I headed to my BFF D's house to drop off the goodies and we headed over for spa day.

The girl that  owns the joint is a former Matador, so it was cool to catch up and talk.  She hands me a form and one of the questions on it is "What do I expect from my visit today?"  My answer was "I expect the crap beat out of me, and I want to feel my massage 2 days later!" They all laughed over that one, but I was dead serious.  There's nothing I hate worse than a half-assed massage.  I hate it when a man gives you a massage and all he does is pinch your neck muscles between his thumbs and his fingers.  I get so frakking irritated, that I shrug off his fingers, say thank you, and walk off.  I want the kind of massages that I give. Not wimpy assed, do nothing massages.

Anyway, these peeps took me seriously, because they gave me Chloe, and this girl kicked ass and took names on my back.  I'll be feeling this massage for at least the next two days.  God bless you Chloe!  We had a great time, and headed over to D's house where we drank, ate enchiladas, dips,  beans, etc.  It was a feast!!! We also shot tequila and swam in the pool.

Anyway, I'm headed to bed cuz I'm tired, and I think I'll actually sleep.  I'll blog tomorrow and maybe include a picture of us crazy chicks!

Dancing....

So today, I downloaded Bruno Mars, and was listening to the song "Marry You" and I started busting my moves while walking to the printer.  And then, the bug just hit...and when it does, you just roll with it.  I was singing, smiling and dancing down aisles, cubicles and a couple of my programmers on the project.  They correctly assumed I lost my mind, and I did...temporarily.  I danced all the way to a conference call.  It felt so frakking good.

I ended up leaving work early and met my buddies at Rio City Cafe on the river.  We sat outside and the weather was perfect.  We laughed, we shared stories about Kirk. We just had a great time.  We decided that we needed to do this at least every two months...and so a tradition is started.  "C" was our token guy, and it's always fun to mess with him.

Afterward, I drove the beast home and was just feeling it...I don't know how else to describe it, but I was doing some serious driving, moving the Durango in and out of the rush hour traffic and just enjoying it.  I like that the Durango is so responsive....despite being so large. And no one fucks with you when you're in a big vehicle.  No, I wasn't excessively speeding, just feeling the road and the moment.

I got home and put my standing mirror (jewelry case) together, and while exceedingly frustrating since the screws on the door were stripped, I still managed it, and replaced the screws with slightly larger ones. I also steam cleaned the concrete floors and started the soup base for Mother's Day Dinner for my Mom.

I realized at 10 that I left the shed light on and the door opened.  I'm dressed in a simple thin cotton night shift, but I headed out anyway (I don't have close neighbors) and locked it up.  I had to stand outside for a bit because it as so damned perfect.  The temperature is just right with a slight breeze and the air smells so good.  My hair was being ruffled and I could feel the breeze sliding across my skin.  It's those moments that you just stop and breathe. In that exact second everything is right.  Nothing else matters, i.e. the job, the money, the bills, the fact that I'm single and alone...it was just right.

My friend T and I talked about it this afternoon...i.e. the whole dating thing and how we just don't get it.  It just feels weird.  We don't know how to interact with guys...i.e. when you go out with a guy, do you call him afterward? Does he call you?  Does it matter? What happens if a few days go by, is that ok?  If you don't talk to him for a few days, does he take it personally? What if he doesn't call you...do you take it personally?  Is it a message that he's not that interested? She's met someone and they've had a couple of dates.  It's still new, so she doesn't know how to read him and she doesn't know what her next steps are...although they're having dinner tonight, so she can't be doing to badly. We both agreed that while we don't mind being single, we miss just "being" with someone, i.e. having them in the room or the bed.  Don't necessarily have to be doing something to them, just the feeling of their presence.

I told ya'll about my date and he's got some things going on in his life, so I've just been giving him his space. I just left him alone because I figured that he needed that right now, and if he didn't he would let me know.  But I'm kinda like a guy that way.  I don't think he needs me calling, texting, etc if he's got business that he needs to take care of. So, I don't worry about it.  And since I have a couple of things I need to figure out, I'm not in a position to do a serious pursuit with him.

Plus I've got vacation coming and since I'll be out of town, it's just better that I focus on that.  I think my buddies are worried that I'm not going to explore all my options due to the whole CC thing.  I think they're worried that I'll come back home and lock myself in the house and not go out or see other people. My BFFs just need to relax.  Everything will be just fine. I'm old enough to not believe in the fairytale hype and it's not like I'm scribbling this guy's name all over my notebook or something (well not as far as anyone knows...).  But there's nothing wrong with just enjoying his company and he's funnier than hell! If  person can make you laugh, then that's a friendship to hold on to.

Ah well...Tomorrow I'll be up nice and early to make beans and salsa for my BFF's birthday celebration.  Not sure I'll be blogging tomorrow..depends on what time I get home. Which reminds me...I gotta pull out a swim suit for this event.  First swim suit event of the season. We're gonna have some fun, so I better get my tushie into bed.  G'nite Peeps!

Thursday

I'm blogging while listening to George Strait.  Man, I swear that he has a song for every occasion.  And he's hot!  I'm not going to piss and moan about my busy workday.  We all know that it isn't going to let up until I walk out the door Thursday night next week.  So it is what it is.

I sent an email to "S" today asking her if she'll come to dinner on Sunday for Mother's day.  She's my nephew's Mom, and I knew she'd be feeling the pain of his loss.  She says that she feels lost on Mother's Day.  This bothers me on many levels.  I know that our boy is gone, but it doesn't change the fact that she's a Mom.  She's a fantastic Mom! My nephew could not have had a better Mother and she is more than I could've ever dreamed of him having.  I love her so much and I just hope that she finds her way around this holiday.  While I would've loved to celebrate her, I have to understand and allow her the space she needs.

We're coming up on the 2nd anniversary of his loss. No, I don't forget and I'll never forget. But I also know that I can never understand the depth of her loss.  I can only understand my loss.  I feel like I was double-tapped, first when he was adopted (although it was comfortable knowing he had a great family) and now that he's dead. But I KNOW that he'd never want his Mom to feel out of place with Mother's Day.  I know he loved her intensely and that he'd be with her today if he could. So although I know she'll never read this...

Happy Mother's Day S! You are a special Mom, a Mom that opened her heart to a child in need of a home and love. A Mom that sacrificed and put up with intrusion and invasion to love a child that so desperately needed YOU! You embody what this holiday truly stands for, and although you feel at odds with it, just know that love surrounds you and embraces you. I love you more than you can ever know.
_________________________

I didn't get out of work today until around 5 and rushed home.  The ex was dropping off some mail and stuff.  We chatted a bit and he headed home. He offered to mow my lawn while I was gone, but that's not his job.  I appreciate the offer and told him so, but I am not his responsibility or worry.  I am my own responsibility, my own worry and I have to work out my issues on my own. I hope he understands, but he has a big enough job on his own worrying about his own home, his Dad and his life.

I appreciate that he still cares, but I worry what will happen when I tell him someday that I'm in love, or that I've found someone else. I don't think he thinks about me being with another man. And I don't think he will until I force the situation. I haven't really had a reason to force it yet (came close, but no), but I pray that I have the tact and the courtesy of putting it the right way, so I don't hurt him too badly.

__________________________

I guess we all have to suck it up and do things we don't want to do.  What is it that Spock said in the "Wrath of Khan"..."The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one".  My friend "K" found that out the hard way today.  She had to do something she didn't want to do.  But she did it for the right reasons, i.e. the love of her man and boy and she did the right thing but that doesn't make it any easier. It's like rubbing salt in a wound and I admire her for doing the right thing. But truth be told...I was right there with her saying "WTF!!  Why do you have to do that?" I'm always gonna have my BFFs back!

__________________________

Ah well Peeps.  Still not sleeping.  I fell asleep after 12 last night and woke up around 1:30.  I hated the sound of the alarm clock...even if the song playing was Lionel Richie's "Just Go".  Great song, but UGH!  I still kicked Vin Diesel's (Obama's) ass, but I wasn't into it. I'm just going through the motions until my toes are in the sand and the sea air is in my nose. Until the crashing waves fill up my ears with it's intoxicating sound. I must close up the crib and head to bed.

Tomorrow is a big day.  Have a lot to accomplish at work, but I'm off at noon and headed to Rio City Cafe with my peeps to celebrate the life of Kirk Leal.  We'll toast him, remember him, love him and his memory and enjoy each other's company. We'll sit beside the river and watch the water pass us by, enjoy a drink and great food and treasure what we still have, for as long as we possibly can...Each other.

Taking Care of Business

Today was another Butt-Buster. But then, what else can I expect.  I did take care of business though and accomplished quite a bit at work.  My buddy "A" brought me some homemade soup, which I ate for lunch...quite delicioso!

Afterward, I went shopping.  I hate to shop, but I did manage to pick up a white denim jacket, and some "unmentionables".  I even got some fun unmentionables...NICE!  Then headed to the grocery store to buy the fixins for fresh salsa and some manicotti pasta.  One of my BFFs had surgery yesterday (I think I mentioned that already), and her man threatened to feed her pizza everyday. So "A" made her soup, and I made her manicotti.  The really cool thing is I had enough for two lasagna trays, so she gets one and I'm freezing the other and I'll bring it on the trip. That will cover a couple of meals.

The really cool thing about timeshare is that I have a full kitchen, and if I'm driving to a destination, I like to bring an ice chest with certain things in it. So not only will I have the manicotti, but I'm also bringing the ingredients for Lobster chowder, so that will be quite tasty!!! I'll also bring some chopped up garlic, green onions, limes, the stuff for my refried beans, etc. Some spices...not to mention the tequila and the fireball!  Oh, and I'm definitely bringing a couple of bottles of the Todd Taylor...HELLO!  I better be checking my lists twice, or I may forget something.

The fresh salsa is for this weekend.  It's another BFFs birthday, and she requested mexican food.  So I'm making the beans and the fresh salsa.  We're going to get massages, and mani/pedi's.  It's always fun with these three ladies and we go way back.  I predict another frantic weekend.  I have to mow my 1/2 acre because I'll be gone next weekend, and it's Mother's Day on Sunday.  Although no one really remembers me as a Mother, you can bet there'll be hell to pay if I forget my Mother!  So I'm making her dinner.  I know the Boy will call me, so I'm cool with that.  I think I'll see if "S" can come to dinner also.  That would be totally cool.

Anyway peeps, I'm running behind, so this is a short blog, and I'm heading to bed. G'nite!

Out of the Ashes...

I knew these final days before vacation would be tough, but today was extra hard.  Not only did I have meetings and papers to write, but two of my favorite people were undergoing the same surgery on the same day (they don't know each other)...what are the odds?  I was feeling stressed out all day waiting to hear news and working really hard to just focus on the here and the now.

My 11 o'clock meeting ran until 12:20. Ran down stairs to get a salad before my 1 p.m.  meeting but the line was so frakking long, so I ended up in the Mexican food line and got a taco salad...not good, but not too bad.  UGH! Swallowed down what I could and headed to the meeting...which lasted until 2:30.  By the time I got to my desk and checked messages and emails, it was 3.  I finally heard about my Besties (they're doing great) and I had tears welling up in my eyes because I was just so relieved, and so emotionally DONE!

Enter my Cuz. You remember her...Ms. George Strait!  She calls and we're talking on the phone and she asks if I'm still by the East Entrance.  I said yes, and she says, "Come down, I'm here".  Since its about time for me to leave anyway...I pack up my stuff and head down.  There she is..waiting for me in her truck with her daughter.  I run up and get a big hug and smooch.  And she hands me this cute bag with lips all over it.  Inside is a CD with 50 of George Straits #1 hits, a 5 disk RUSH compilation, an awesome mug, etc.  It was so awesome and she made my heart sing!  It just couldn't have come at a better time!  And she did this after some asshole at 5:45 a.m. this morning broke both  driver and passenger windows on her Sequoia just to get an iPod!!!  So out of the ashes, the Phoenix has risen again to fight another day, due to the love of my Cuz and friends.  I'm pretty damned lucky!

I headed home, laced up my walking shoes and did an hour and a half of power walking.  I just wanted to make sure I beat the shit out of myself and cleansed out all the bad mojo I was feeling.  Yes, I did make Vin (Obama) my bitch this morning, for an hour.  I know I need to be careful about the aerobic part of my exercise.

I upped the level to the Stair Master and now, when I get off of the thing every morning, I'm drenched in sweat!  I frakking STINK! I have sweat running down my stomach, back, arms, face, neck, butt.  I think the butt is the worst part cuz the sweat marks are not pretty and my legs.  Aerobically, I'm doing great, but there are still some parts of my body that are jiggly...and I'm not talking "the twins". I need to really bust it on the bowflex and see if I can't tighten up this body.  That's my goal for October and Cabo this year...to have a harder body!

Ok peeps.  Gonna rinse off in the shower and hit the hay. 3:15 comes way too soon, and I'm not sleeping well these days.  Hopefully I exhausted my body enough to shut down for awhile.  May your dreams bring your spirit joy my friends!

Jinxed...or Lucky???

So a co-worker is taking vacation at the same time that I am.  She was also hit with issues regarding her project and was pretty demoralized.  The icing on the cake though, happened last Thursday night.  She went to use the restroom and smashed her toe into one of the stalls metal dividers (this totally sounds like something I would do!).  After going to the doctor, she found out that she broke her baby toe.  So she’s in a boot and crutches.  If she’s lucky, she’ll be walking without the boot in time for vacation. UGH!  I totally feel for her.

   

Then, to top things off this morning, after the StairMaster and showering, I went to the closet to pick out an outfit.  The dress I chose was white, with a built in slip, spaghetti straps with a button front on the bodice (you Men probably don’t understand that part, so I’ll just say that I had buttons between my boobs). It’s been rather hot lately, i.e. in the 90’s so I wanted to be prepared.  I wore a cropped sweater with ¾ sleeves with it for the morning chill.

As I stepped outside, I noticed that it was overcast and sprinkling…great….does Dizzy go in and change her dress, or just say “screw it” and head to work.  You know Dizzy is a “screw it” kind of girl, so off she goes in her Durango Beast and heads to work.  On the walk in, I bring an umbrella because this summer dress getting wet would not be a good thing!

I start the morning off working on a paper, and realize that I need some coffee.  I sit on the second floor and need to walk down an open corridor, take the stairs down and visit the coffee kiosk. Off I go, get my coffee, and head on up the stairs.  I visit some members of my team to congratulate them on their successes with testing our encryption, etc. and make my way back to my desk.  I work on my paper a little more and then make a visit to the restroom.  Once there, and business finished, I wash my hands, dry them, and check myself out in the full length mirror.

As I turn to look at my backside, I realize…..HOLY CRAP, YOU CAN SEE MY WHITE THONG!!! This effing dress is the thinnest material EVER!  Including the slip!!! REALLY??? I start thinking about all the people that have seen me today, and I bust out laughing.  Just can’t stop. This is almost as bad as the time Dizzy tucked her skirt in the back of her underwear and was walking down the glass corridor with two guys walking behind her and they never said a thing!

 

I peek my head outside the restroom to see who’s in the hallway, and I head to my buddy’s aisle to confer.  Her co-worker who is out today, has a long sweater hanging in her cubicle, so I borrow it.  As I head back to my desk, I’m still chortling with laughter and a female manager I run into is wondering what’s up.  I tell her and we both start laughing all over again.

Fortunately for me, another GF (believe it or not) has an extra white slip on.  She was wearing something else this morning and changed her clothes, put on a dark slip, with an overskirt and forgot to take off the white slip.  Talk about fortuitous!  She lets me borrow it, and Dizzy is saved.  And so begins Dizzy’s work week. 

I can’t help wonder….

Is my vacation jinxed? The members of my unit have been undergoing some serious bad mojo these days.  My buddy across from me has serious stuff going on with her daughter and her sister in law.  I’m worried. I need this vacation so badly.  I need to put my toes in the Ocean and be revitalized.  My soul needs uplifting.  All this death stuff, work stuff and home stuff is leaving me exhausted! I can’t seem to shut my mind down.  It’s always churning and spitting out details.  I need to exhale.

 

So the question is….What does Dizzy do to ward off the evil jinx monster and make this vacation happen?  All suggestions are welcome.  Yeah, yeah, already thought of the bonfire at midnight with the pig grease, etc…been there…done that! No peeps, we need something new and fresh.  The voodoo doll thing is just not going to cut it!  Got a suggestion to burn sage and wave it around and chant…however, something tells me Security would be picking me up if I wave burning sage down my aisle at work.  For some reason, I suspect that this is where the jinx will hit. 

On the other hand, maybe I already have decent luck…after all, it wasn’t my toes that smashed into the metal divider, and usually, I can’t control where I smack my toes. Maybe that mojo bounced off of me and on to my poor co-worker.  God, I hope she isn’t reading this or I’m freaking TOAST! I caught the dress thing by 9 a.m., so only 3 hours at work…it could’ve been all day, right? Plus, I did get saved.  Maybe it’s just a matter of perspective. Maybe I AM being protected, and I just don’t realize it! 

Like I told my Peeps that I blind cc’d my woeful tale to, Effing A….I need a vacation!!!!

Awesome Beanster Weekend

FRIDAY

I got up early and ran some errands.  Afterward, I met RD for lunch at a Thai restaurant.  We had fun trying new food and just catching up.  He really is a great guy!  We talked politics, work, our crazy mixed-up lives.  It was good.  We decided that we needed to do this monthly, so a new tradition begins!

After that, I headed over to pick up the Beanster and she had her first Merlino's freeze. It was a frickin HOT day in Sac...I wanna say 97 degrees. Even I put the air on in the Beast, which I don't usually do. We went shopping for groceries and headed home.  When I asked the Beanster what she wanted for dinner it was relatively simple...Steak and Shrimp.  So I BBQ'd Steak on the briquette grill and it turned out fabulous!  We watched movies, and headed to bed.

SATURDAY

Got a call relatively early because my Cousin KM needed an ear to talk to.  Seems he and his woman are having issues.  Ah well, I needed to be up.  The new natural gas BBQ was being delivered and I needed to be ready for that. Soon after, the Beanster was up and we made breakfast. Yup, you guessed it...Make your own baked potatoes (this time she had some scrambled eggs on it). Soon afterward, the BBQ arrived.

Dizzy set about trying to hook the damned thing up.  I kept running into issues until I figured out that I was missing a piece. So I loaded up Beanster and headed to Lowes.  I found what I needed and also picked up 2 different types of pipe goo.  I finally got the thing installed and tested with soapy water. The grill was total green light.

In the meantime, my Niece has informed me that she wants to be a Marine when she's old enough and told her teacher. So the teacher gave her the minimum requirements.  I told her that we'd have our work cut out for us, but that we'd both train for it.  I introduced her to the Warrior Song (Hard Corps) which will undoubtedly get me into trouble with the Sister, but the Niece loved it! I am trying to get her to go to college first before the Corps, but we'll see.

I invited the ex to dinner and set about grilling the shrimp.  It turned out awesome! We ate a really excellent Caesar salad with fresh Parmesan curls and my homemade croutons, which my Niece absolutely loved!  I think she snacked more on that then the salad.  Note to self...make more croutons!

After that, we sat around the patio and just talked.  We listened to some U2 and tried to explain Bono to the Beanster.  After that, it just got plain silly!  The ex and the Beanster posed for a gangsta shot, smeared cake all over her face and tried to kiss us and the rest is history!

SUNDAY

We woke up and I straightened the Beanster's hair.  Then we had breakfast...Gee...wonder what that was??? We then pulled out the old china tea set and proceeded to have a spot of tea (orange crush cuz she can't stand real tea).  When we have tea, we always play the part, so I was Lady Ophelia and she decided to stay Beanie today. We discussed the horses and the cotillions that we missed. We made up a bunch of stories and just had fun.  

Afterward, we threw the football, the frizbee and played hide-and-go-seek.  Too fun! Her Mom came and picked her up and she threw a bit of a tantrum because she didn't want to go. Very frustrating, and I know I won't see her for another month since I'll be on vacation.

My cousin KM stopped by and we chatted it up for a couple of hours.  We talked about our lives, our loves (or lack thereof), and stuff in General.  It was a really cool time.  We're both Virgos and we talked about our need to control things and how hard it can be to really let go.  We were both on the same page. No, we'll never be together in that sense (it was his twin that I had a thing for), and though we aren't really cousins, I think that we're totally simpatico in the cousin sense of it all.  I know he has my back, and I have his.

___________________________________________

So all in all Peeps, it was a rewarding weekend.  I know that my chops will be busted tomorrow, and it'll be another tough week. I know the next two weeks will be hell because that's how it always goes before a vacation.  I think it'll make the two weeks I'm off, that much sweeter.

I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging.  Like this past weekend, I made Beanster the priority.  With work, I'm not sure what I'll be saying and how nice I'll be saying it. Please bear with me. I'm really whacked out about the whole work thing, but to be honest, I'm also whacked out about the whole CC thing.

Half of me wants to see him and not feel a thing. Nothing to risk, lose, it's all in perspective and I'm good to go. Half of me says that I want to feel the same magic I felt the first time. But with it comes the uncertainty, the doubts, etc.  However, I know that no matter what, I'm going there and I'm doing me, for better or worse.  I will have fun, I will make this vacation what I want to make it, and I will come home. After that, what will be will be.  In the meantime...Dizzy has a couple of naughty tricks up her sleeve...hmmmm.

Good night Peeps.  Hope your weekend was as fulfilling as mine!