Bittersweet Mother's Day

What an evening!  I got a call from my boy and we talked for almost an hour.  This kid is the most important thing I've ever invested my time in and he's so smart, so witty, so there! How did I get so lucky? We just had a great time talking.

I cooked dinner for my mother, and she showed up an hour and a half late.  Ah well...this is what happens when the world revolves around her and no one else.  At least I didn't burn the lobster chowder. I made her Caesar salad with home made croutons, Lobster chowder and Grilled lobster.  I think she was happy with the menu.

It actually turned into a really nice evening.  But there was this moment, on the patio, where I knew, that the tide will never reverse, and I'll always be the matriarch...the head of this family, and that isn't the role I would've chose for myself.  After talking with my mother this evening, I know, that while I've changed the rules for myself, I'll always have this responsibility, this burden, of handling the family business, and I never wanted it. I don't want it now.

I've lived my entire life for other people. I've lived by the rules, by a code of conduct that wasn't of my choosing. I'm finally at an age where I know better and I'm willing to take risks, and even now life, fate, God is deciding what I can and can't take risks on.  And I'm rebelling and I can feel it welling up inside me. It's fighting to get out and just live and I'm torn.

Don't get me wrong Peeps, it was a more successful Mother's Day than I would've anticipated.  My Mom and I chatted and had fun, talked about the future and things. But I just feel this angst running under my skin that just wants to fucking let it all ride. Life is so short. I've lost so many people that mean something to me. I feel like they've delivered a message...first hand, that I need to make every second count, before it's too late. But the pressures of work and family make it difficult to just let it all fucking fly.  Am I even making sense?  Yeah, I know, I need a vacation.

I was hoping to mow part of the lawn this evening, but my mother was late. So, I'll have to do it tomorrow or the next day.  This week is filled with meetings, appointments for work..not to mention my wax appt on Wed. nite, my hair on Thurs. nite, and my mani/pedi Friday morning before I leave for vacation.  UGH!!!  Plus my bedroom looks like a hurricane hit it because I want to make sure I pack the right stuff. Jayzus...really Diz?

I'm so frakking nervous about this trip. It's my first real foray  into the unknown.  Into the abyss called Divorced Life.  Don't get me wrong, I've been without a partner for a number of years, but I've never gone off on my own without having my BFFs waiting on the other side. I'm weirded  out by the whole thing, but I am strong, and I come packing with a Sig .40, so anyone fucking with me is fucking with the wrong woman.  Still....

Anyway, gotta go to bed, cuz I'm going to be up early to kick the shit out of Vin.

G'nite Peeps!