Love at Seaside???

Today I found out that I'm more of a runner than I thought I was. I was walking my Seaside route down the promenade, turned down one street and was looking for the cross street. I ended up on Highway 101, but then found the street I was looking for. Unfortunately, there were cars in the way, so I broke out into a run...and I kept running...and running...and running. 

There was this point where I was thinking about stopping, but suddenly this feeling came over me and it was just working.  I was in sync with my breathing and my body and I just kept going. I'd say I lasted 2 miles before I stopped.  It felt really good.  I kept up my fast paced walking till I got back on the Promenade, then started again and ran until I got back to the resort.  Guess I'm gonna have to invest in some serious twin coverage to keep this gong.

It was a beautiful day today. The sun was shining, and I took care of some business. Visited with my WM Girlie "S". We had some serious laughs over this chick that walked in.  She had this hairstyle going on where she piled her hair on top of her head and using hair clamps, had this goofy mohawk think going on.  I had to turn my head I was laughing so hard.  My description does not do this style justice. But it felt good to laugh.  

I've been trading messages with a high school buddy and he says "I love you incidentally".  I wrote back a quip along the lines of "I'm sure you say that to all of your ladies". But its the second time in 24 hours I've heard something along those lines.  

The first time was yesterday when I said "Damn, I love your dirty mind" and the person responded back "And it loves you." Really? Did you just say you love me, or just your dirty mind loves me?  Is there a difference? 

I don't know love.  I don't think I'd know it if it smacked me upside the head with a 2X4. I thought I knew love, but this love didn't want me, it wanted alcohol. So what is love? You see the movies where, after enormous struggle and sacrifice, the couple end up riding off into the sunset...does it really work that way? 

I thought I loved, but for some reason it was never enough. If I loved someone whole heartedly and they don't love you back, or love you enough, doesn't it mean that your love radar is fucked up and you need to re-calibrate it?  And just how do you do that if you've never really known what it was in the first place?

I know the family love and the friendship love (in some cases, it's intertwined).  I would die for that love and I trust that love. I'm extremely thankful to have it.  It's the one on one, and in my case, the guy-girl thing I'm just not sure of. I've always been able to read bullshit lines but I feel like I'm completely vulnerable to bullshit right now. I don't trust myself to make any solid decisions about men. And I really miss having a man in my bed, i.e. waking up next to his warm body and the salty taste of sweat from his neck. 

I need to trust in myself, have more confidence in myself.  I do actually have that....when it doesn't count.  Do you know what I mean by that? I can own a bar and all the men in it (at least in my head) as long as I don't give a rats ass about any of them.  I have cool comebacks, and I saunter out of the room like I've made it my bitch...but as soon as there's a man in there that I like...well, I stammer like a teen in high school.  What's up with that?

Sorry...the Ocean makes me reflective and I'm sure the absence of alcohol in my system isn't helping.  I'm on vacation damn it and I need to relax.  I think I'm outta whack because I'm fortunate enough to have received male attention this vacation, but it isn't the male attention that I want. And I'm not really sure the attention that I want is good for me. So I'm trying to resist it. Yeah, I'm fucked up Peeps...and how was your day?