Thursday

I'm blogging while listening to George Strait.  Man, I swear that he has a song for every occasion.  And he's hot!  I'm not going to piss and moan about my busy workday.  We all know that it isn't going to let up until I walk out the door Thursday night next week.  So it is what it is.

I sent an email to "S" today asking her if she'll come to dinner on Sunday for Mother's day.  She's my nephew's Mom, and I knew she'd be feeling the pain of his loss.  She says that she feels lost on Mother's Day.  This bothers me on many levels.  I know that our boy is gone, but it doesn't change the fact that she's a Mom.  She's a fantastic Mom! My nephew could not have had a better Mother and she is more than I could've ever dreamed of him having.  I love her so much and I just hope that she finds her way around this holiday.  While I would've loved to celebrate her, I have to understand and allow her the space she needs.

We're coming up on the 2nd anniversary of his loss. No, I don't forget and I'll never forget. But I also know that I can never understand the depth of her loss.  I can only understand my loss.  I feel like I was double-tapped, first when he was adopted (although it was comfortable knowing he had a great family) and now that he's dead. But I KNOW that he'd never want his Mom to feel out of place with Mother's Day.  I know he loved her intensely and that he'd be with her today if he could. So although I know she'll never read this...

Happy Mother's Day S! You are a special Mom, a Mom that opened her heart to a child in need of a home and love. A Mom that sacrificed and put up with intrusion and invasion to love a child that so desperately needed YOU! You embody what this holiday truly stands for, and although you feel at odds with it, just know that love surrounds you and embraces you. I love you more than you can ever know.
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I didn't get out of work today until around 5 and rushed home.  The ex was dropping off some mail and stuff.  We chatted a bit and he headed home. He offered to mow my lawn while I was gone, but that's not his job.  I appreciate the offer and told him so, but I am not his responsibility or worry.  I am my own responsibility, my own worry and I have to work out my issues on my own. I hope he understands, but he has a big enough job on his own worrying about his own home, his Dad and his life.

I appreciate that he still cares, but I worry what will happen when I tell him someday that I'm in love, or that I've found someone else. I don't think he thinks about me being with another man. And I don't think he will until I force the situation. I haven't really had a reason to force it yet (came close, but no), but I pray that I have the tact and the courtesy of putting it the right way, so I don't hurt him too badly.

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I guess we all have to suck it up and do things we don't want to do.  What is it that Spock said in the "Wrath of Khan"..."The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one".  My friend "K" found that out the hard way today.  She had to do something she didn't want to do.  But she did it for the right reasons, i.e. the love of her man and boy and she did the right thing but that doesn't make it any easier. It's like rubbing salt in a wound and I admire her for doing the right thing. But truth be told...I was right there with her saying "WTF!!  Why do you have to do that?" I'm always gonna have my BFFs back!

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Ah well Peeps.  Still not sleeping.  I fell asleep after 12 last night and woke up around 1:30.  I hated the sound of the alarm clock...even if the song playing was Lionel Richie's "Just Go".  Great song, but UGH!  I still kicked Vin Diesel's (Obama's) ass, but I wasn't into it. I'm just going through the motions until my toes are in the sand and the sea air is in my nose. Until the crashing waves fill up my ears with it's intoxicating sound. I must close up the crib and head to bed.

Tomorrow is a big day.  Have a lot to accomplish at work, but I'm off at noon and headed to Rio City Cafe with my peeps to celebrate the life of Kirk Leal.  We'll toast him, remember him, love him and his memory and enjoy each other's company. We'll sit beside the river and watch the water pass us by, enjoy a drink and great food and treasure what we still have, for as long as we possibly can...Each other.