High Maintenance

So the work Marine is turning into a really high maintenance friend. I’m wondering if this is his way of making sure we have contact with each other. He knows about my Cowboy, and although he says he’s good with it, I don’t think he is. 

He’s applying for a job with the State (he currently works for a contractor), so he’s been asking for a lot of advice, tips and review of his job app, etc. I don’t have a problem helping with that kind of stuff, but after reviewing, I realize there’s nothing really there for me to review.  Everything is completed and signed.  He wants job security and a retirement, so working for the State can give him those things.  He’s aware that I don’t date co-workers, so on top of the boyfriend issue, there’s the co-worker issue. Frankly, the more nails in the coffin, the better for me.

I think it’s the way he does it. The calls, the IM at work, etc. This guy needs to stand on his own two feet and realize that I'm not the girl. It doesn't matter how much hoping, etc.  You're married (going thru a divorce, but still), you work in my pond, and you're just a bit too high maintenance for me.

Granted, there are times in our lives where we're all a bit high maintenance, and that's ok. We help each other out through the bad and the good and just roll with it. But hopefully, our friends let us know when we've gone too far and need to suck it up, pull up our big girl panties, and get on with life...right?

Angry Blogger???

I’ve been called an “angry blogger”.  Would you say that’s true?

Yes, I will admit that there are a few of my blogs that are angry diatribes.  If I’m really mad and need to vent, it comes out here, and I admit that.  But I’d say that most of my blogs are introspective.

Generally, I’m learning something about myself, or making an observation per se.  Not really an angry blog, but more of a realization that I’m not all that, I can’t control things or people, that I need to let things go, etc. 

Keep in mind that I did name the blog “Diz Rant” and yes, I refer to Dennis Miller and his rants from his HBO show (God, how I loved listening to those).

Urban Dictionary describes ‘rant’ as: “To speak aggressively about something. Or to take your own tangent about a subject and talk for a long time in a passionate manner.” I would say that my rants tend to follow that description. Not necessarily angry, but definitely passionate.  I don’t tend to do things half way, so passion definitely enters the picture.

I don’t think I’m necessarily an angry blogger…I think I’m more of a frustrated writer. I’ve started countless books, but never finish writing them.  I write poetry and songs….well, I used too, but have slacked off.  I recently started picking up my pen and writing them again.

I think this is why letter writing appeals so much to me.  I like taking pen to paper and writing down my thoughts, memories, my feeling about the person I’m sending the letter to. We’re in an age where people don’t write cursive anymore.  Some of the Y generation can’t even read cursive.  To my knowledge, they’ve stopped teaching it in schools.

I love sending a letter to someone so they know that they’re in my thoughts, on my mind.  I love receiving letters in the mail, and love the feeling of sitting down, opening the letter and savoring it. My Grandma from Alaska used to send me letters and it was always fun to hear about the commercial fishing boat, the restaurant, Alaska life, etc. She would include articles from local magazines and newspapers.  I remember reading about the whaling the Eskimos did and looking at the pictures of them cutting the blubber from the meat, processing the fat for a variety of purposes and different ways they would cure the meat for the winter season.  Totally fascinating!

I really don’t receive many letters now, but I do have a buddy that will write me.  We’re old friends from the early 80’s and we pretty much know each other’s “stuff”. We enjoy settling down for a good read and catch up with each other's lives.  

I don't think I'll ever stop writing, but Angry Blogger???  Yeah, I don't think so.  However, feel free to let me know what you think.  If the majority of you think I'm an Angry Blogger, I'll post that, and make a change....

Fat Letters

So an article in the Sacramento Bee (Fitness test results mixed for Sacramento County students; opponents decry ‘fat letters’) talked about efforts to lower childhood obesity. After review of the statewide physical fitness test results, individual school districts notify parents of their kid’s performance by letter. Opponents call them “fat letters” because they identify the body mass of each pupil.

The article stated that Experts at the National Eating Disorders Association fear the letters may trigger behaviors such as skipping meals, vomiting or taking laxatives.  Research shows that 81 percent of 10-year-olds say they are afraid of being fat.

Let’s break down the Associations concerns…Dizzy Style!

First of all, these letters are sent to the parents, not the children.  And the letters don’t call the children fat.  As a parent, it’s our job to monitor what are children are eating, how much exercise their getting, etc.  This letter helps parents recognize that there could be a problem.

Now bad parents, would take the letter and use it like a blunt instrument against their kids and call them fat, etc…thus driving them to trigger those behaviors the Association is afraid of. 

Good parents, take those letters and make subtle adjustments to their children’s lives (without telling their kids), by changing the menus up a bit, encouraging their kids activities and getting out there with them to get physically active.

When my son was at a chubby stage, he was talking about dieting and to me that is something kids should never be worried about.  My sister (his bio Mother) was also making comments. I had to live that way as a kid, with a perpetually dieting mother, who couldn’t diet alone.  She totally messed up my head about how to eat, body image, the whole nine yards.  I set my Sister straight and told her that she’s not to talk to the boy that way.  I sat my boy down and told him that he never has to worry about dieting.  It’s my job as a parent to make sure he’s eating healthy and adjusting our meals, not his job to diet.  I also explained to him that he was eating healthy and that he’s getting ready for a growth spurt that will totally adjust everything.  Although he didn’t believe me, within 9 months, the boy shot up more than 3 inches, and that chubby phase was over.

Second…so now, in this politically correct world, we can’t even receive a letter telling us our child’s body mass is too high? It would just be like these idiot parents who don’t receive a letter to sue the school district for not informing them that their child is at risk…These are the same idiots who would sue for sending the letter regarding the body mass saying “The School District implied that my child was fat”.  Boo Effing Hoo!!! Grow a pair and get effing over it!!!  Real life isn’t for sissies…It’s difficult, and it isn’t fair! Don’t like what the letter is telling you? Be a parent and take some interest in what your child is eating and doing.  Take away their X-Box and PlayStation. Limit their time on the Net and television. The world is not going to get any easier on your child…it’s just gonna get harder, and if you can’t prepare them for it, you should’ve never become a parent in the first place. 

I Should've....

Turned off the telly right after the Seahawks game, but no...I didn't. I was channel surfing and ended up on one of those reality shows where someone is getting married.  And granted, the wedding was waaaay over the top...totally not realistic.  But that isn't what struck me.

I wonder if I'll ever remarry and do it the right way.  Most of you know that I had to cancel the wedding I had planned due to family stuff, and run off to Tahoe. I'm not the kind of girl that totally dreamed out her wedding and it just had to be a certain way. But every girl wants certain elements, and sadly a lot of my elements were missing.  Watching this show gave me pangs that it will never happen for me...just like having my own children, and I have to accept those things, but sometimes, it's hard.

But to be honest, it isn't the wedding, or any of those things.  I just don't want to question whether or not I'm the girl. I want to look into my man's eyes and know that I'm the only one. I want him to look into my eyes and know he's the only one.  When he looks into my eyes, he should know that he'll never have to compete with another man, with an addiction, that he is the one I want to grow old and die with. And I really don't think its too much to ask for the same thing.

I don't need to remarry, and chances are, if I try for that again, it'll only fail.  Something will invariably happen and I'll have to cancel, yet again.  I just want to know that eventually, I will be with someone who makes me a priority. Someone who loves me.

I'm going to bed.

Lessons to the Niece

My Niece asked me this past weekend what happened to my old boyfriend.  WOW…that was a zinger. She’s already asked me the questions about the Cowboy (whom she loves and adores) like “Are you going to marry him?”; If you marry him, does this mean I have two Uncles (the ex and the Cowboy)?”

This girl is a crack whip, and so I basically deflect those questions with general stuff like, “Your Uncle N will always be your Uncle, no matter what.” And “J is my boyfriend…we’re not that far in our relationship to talk about marriage”.  But the “What happened to your old boyfriend” question threw me for a loop. I have to be careful who I introduce my Niece to, and how I do it. I’m actually cool with having introduced her to the Cowboy, but maybe it was premature to introduce her to the old boyfriend last year…especially since I knew things were not going as they should. It really smacks my head that I need to be careful about how I present people to her and their importance to me.

Since I know she worships me, I need to make sure to teach her the right lessons about men and relationships. I certainly didn’t want to teach her about divorce, but I think I have taught her how to handle it maturely, how to remain friends, and how to keep your niece involved with her uncle.

So in answering her question, I knew that I needed to be careful.  I want her to know that I don’t get into relationships lightly and that I take them serious. On the other hand, dating and boyfriends are a lot like trying on shoes (just a grander scale)…you’re always looking for a pair that fits, and if they don’t, you have to pass on them.  If they do, you stick with them. So I used that analogy with her. I told her that we didn’t quite fit together like we thought we did. And that it was better to remain friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend.   Crap…this moment was almost as bad as her brother at 6 years old…his little hand in mine…eyes filled with tears…asking me why Simba’s daddy had to die in the Lion King Movie.

I couldn’t tell her that it bothered me that he placed our relationship at a higher importance than his daughter; that his smoking drove me up the wall (I don’t mind friends that smoke, but kissing a smoker, when you’re a non-smoker…); that his inability to plan for the future and no ambition (simple ambition) left me cold; that his jealousy was a killer.  On the other hand, I don’t regret the relationship. He pulled me up from the despair of divorce. He made me realize that there was a life afterward and that I had a lot to offer.  He made me feel attractive when I was sure that I wasn’t and that no man could possibly be interested in me. And I think I helped him turn a page also. He hadn’t dated in awhile and I think he lacked the confidence to make the next jump, so I have no regrets on that score.

While I know we all have to go through this passage of growing up, boyfriends, etc. I worry that my Niece’s view of love will be skewed. My Sister is narcissistic, so her example of love and boyfriends is somewhat altered by her view of “what they can offer her”.  I’m trying desperately to teach my Niece that she has to rely on herself, and make her own way. That the man she falls in love with should be a compliment to her life, not a hindrance. And most important, if you have to walk away from a relationship, have the courage and the fortitude to do it because…you will be ok.

I remember being paralyzed with fear, wondering what would happen to me if I divorced and went out on my own. How would I take care of myself? Who would I be if I didn’t have this man in my life? What if I couldn’t find a place to live, or if I ran out of money? It crippled my ability to look rationally at the life I was living. I let my life get to such a low point that there was no other option but divorce…or death and I’m still suffering the consequences of that lack of confidence.  I never want her to feel that low, that desperate.  She needs to always be confident that she has the ability and power to direct her future, and alter her path.

Weekend with the Beanster!!!

Well, it was quite the weekend, but it always is where the Beanster is concerned.  I absolutely adore my Niece (like you couldn’t tell…) and she absolutely adores me.  I pick her up and we head to the store to do some shopping.  You know my girl.  “What would you like for dinner?”  Reply…”Shrimp and Ribs”.  I had the ribs at the house, so we picked up shrimp, juice, fruit, dessert, pasta salad, green salad, etc.  Remember…I haven’t been shopping since before my vacation, so the larder is empty.

We get home and I make the marinade for the shrimp…olive oil, spices, garlic, etc.  My niece decides she likes the marinade so much, she wants to dip her Hawaiian bread in the leftover marinade for dinner.  We grill up the shrimp and have it with pasta salad.  We have cake for dessert. We cuddle up together and watch a movie and end the day. 

The next morning, what does she want for breakfast??? Make-your-own-baked-potato!  My girl is predictable.  I’m gonna have to expand her repertoire. We read (she has a book report due), we play hide-and-go-seek, we play dominoes, and we just have some serious one-on-one time.  I really needed it to ground me. That night, I BBQ ribs and we have a cobb salad to go with it. We played a new game called “Night at the Museum”…It’s one of those slumber party games little girls play. We had a good time laughing over that one. Turn on a movie and drop off to sleep.

At 11:15 I get a call from the ex. He had gone to a concert and sent a picture. He also sent a couple of texts before the call. I can see this is not good, but I know he means well. While we’re talking, my guy calls…talk about being popular at 11:15 p.m. So after I hang up with the ex (the call only last a couple of minutes), I call my guy and we end up talking for 2 hours. By the time I hang up the phone, I know where his head is at, and I know that we’re pretty much ok.

I head to bed after 1 a.m. and I’m dreaming that I’m choking and I can’t breathe. I want to purge whatever it is in my throat and airways but it won’t come up.  I wake up around 3 a.m. in a serious coughing jag and run to the bathroom to throw up (mainly just water).  After that, I’m funky the rest of the night and into the next day.  Poor Niece had to put up with an Auntie that wasn’t feeling very well. We still managed to make the best of it.  I love that girl more than life itself!

Choices...

So I’m at a dilemma and not sure what to do about it.

The work Marine saw a lawyer today for his divorce.  He’s unhappy and wanted to talk, so he called me at work. He basically asked to have Margarita’s at my house tonight so he can discuss it.  Well, that of course is OUT, because I do not do that stuff in front of my Niece, and she’s never met him, and I don’t want her confused and thinking that this is my boyfriend or something, when she’s already met my boyfriend (and absolutely worships and adores him).  The Beanster always comes first!

However, he asked about Sunday night after the Beanster goes home.  Here’s my dilemma.  In the past, I would’ve said, “sure, come on over”.  However, from my previous blog, you’ll remember that he’s made it clear that he’s hoping to date me in the future, even though he knows I have a boyfriend, so we truly can’t be the kind of friends where we get together and drink, because he’s thinking of me in a different light.  But I do truly understand the difficulty of divorce and needed my friends to bounce things off of.  I don’t want to seem callous and uncaring.  But then again, he has other friends, right? Guy friends that should be able to help him through this.

Is he taking advantage of the fact that I’m a nice person and always want to make sure everyone is ok, etc? Does he truly need someone to bounce? I did give him the advice of trying to work it out with the ex and not do lawyers.  I didLegalZoom.com because we saw what the lawyers did with my In-Laws and how much they raked in.  Of course, both parties have to be willing to compromise and I know I could’ve walked away with a lot more, but it wasn’t worth it to me in the end. I got what I needed and that is enough. He didn’t necessarily seem receptive to the idea, but he hasn’t been married that long…4 years maybe? 

I think I’m being played, but I’m not sure. At the very least, while I’m happy to be a sounding board for general stuff, exercise, motivation…I don’t know that I’m up for the divorce stuff.  I’m enough removed from my own divorce, but hashing through the emotions, decisions and the baggage of someone else’s weighs heavily on the spirit and I haven’t known this person long enough to take the brunt of that.

I think I’ve made my decision.  See how helpful you guys are?  I’m gonna pass.  I think it would be ok if other people were there, but just the two of us is not a good idea.

I think I need to be careful. I don’t know where my relationship with the Cowboy is going (but I am having fun). He lives far away and that leaves me vulnerable. Before, I didn’t think too much about it, but after Cabo, I’m distinctly aware of my surroundings and the people entering my circle.  A couple of things happened that I didn’t talk to anyone about (still haven’t) and the incidents left me feeling….trying to find the right word here….disconcerted?  Where you think you know the person you’re with, but later you have the distinct feeling that something wasn’t right and that maybe you were lucky that you walked away from the situation.  I don’t know, I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I just know what my gut feels, and that it threw me off my mental game.

To be honest, I think that’s why my week has been off, because I keep replaying these incidents in my mind and wondering. I feel like, while I made the right decisions, that I was close to something that unnerved me. That had I not made those decisions, something bad would’ve happened.

Ok…I’m done. Don’t wanna think about it anymore.

Being Driven Insane

So today, a certain someone was trying to get me worked up…yeah, in a decidedly sexual way. Describing tight shirts, snug camo pants, etc.  There is only so much a girl can take…especially since she hasn’t had it in a little while.  Worse, this person is doing this in the morning so they’re practically guaranteeing that I’m uncomfortable all day.  So not fair!

So I paid a visit to my friend “H”.  H is a guy that bats for the other team. He always has good insight, good suggestions, etc.  But the thing about H is that he’s always impeccably dressed and always smells like heaven.  What is it about gay men and cologne?  They always seems to know how to pick the right scents, they never put too much on and know how to layer (Ok, for you straight guys, layering a scent means to use bath products like shower gel, body lotion or aftershave lotion in the same scent. After you shower using the shower gel, while skin is still damp, you slather on the scented body lotion. Then you take your cologne or perfume and spritz on your pulse points i.e. wrists, sides of neck, back of knees for women, hollow of the collar bone, back of the neck at base of skull, etc. You can also lightly spray the inside of your shirt and let it dry for several minutes. This technique can be used on lingerie also. Fragrance will last all day).

H always smells good and I just felt this need to smell a guy with great cologne. So I paid him a visit and told him why I was there…which was pretty risky in my work environment, but we’re great friends.  When I asked him if he considered that harassment, he said “absolutely not”.  I even told him why, i.e.  my guy has been teasing me, I really miss him, I’d really like to smell a good smelling guy so I don’t go too crazy, etc.  He was happy to be my substitute.  Because, Ladies and Gentlemen, my guy does know how to wear cologne and smells awesome!  It’s so rare to find a guy that that can do that…and be straight!!! He even spritzed my pillow before he left me so I could smell him a couple of days later.  Sweet agony! But I digress.

So H and I talked about my guy and whether or not we have a future together, etc. And then we discussed where to buy fragrance, how expensive it is, what he was wearing (just in case I wanted to get some for my guy, but while H smelled fabulous, my guy has a decidedly more masculine scent), online purchases versus department store costs.  We just had one hell of a singsong.

I did text my guy to let him know what I’d done, and he says he does that with the women he works with.  I clarified that it had better be lesbian women, i.e. one lesbian woman, because I only do that with one gay guy I work with. Other than that, I want him to be the straight guy I bury my nose in.  Yes People…I do actually work for a living, and I manage to get things done, but every once in a while, a girl has to take time to smell the roses…literally!

I came out of the women’s restroom this morning and ran smack dab into a different guy co-worker, who looked me up and down and said “You hit a home run with that outfit today”. Whoa!  Wasn’t expecting that! I grinned and said thank you and kept walking. I took a risk and wore one of my see-through polka dot shirts from Victoria’s Secret with a solid cami underneath (don’t need to be showing off the bra or belly skin at work), a skirt and pantyhose.  Guess the combo worked, but God, I hate pantyhose!!  Some man thought that crap up to torture us women!  I rarely wear them except for meetings and important events.  I only put them on this morning because my legs were cold, and I couldn’t wear the same slacks that my Buddy “A” had last seen me in (we got together after work cuz she’s retired now). 

I swear, women’s undergarments are an effort in futility! You men think we look fabulous in them, but I dare you to put them on…day after day…and enjoy it!  The only time I really enjoy it is when I’m doing it for my guy.  I know the effect it will have on him as I take off my clothes, and I know the fun I’ll have after those things come off..so.  Other than that, what a pain!

Ok, I’m done bellyaching. Happy Thursday Everyone.  My Beanster comes to stay with me this weekend, so I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting. 

Holidays...

The holiday’s are coming, and while I really do love the holiday season, it’s changed significantly for me due to:

·       The change in marital status (although truth be told, I haven’t celebrated with the ex since 2009),

·       The boy being a man and on his own,

·        The sister and dysfunctional relationship we’ve always had, and

·       The fact that I’m really not as close to my Mother as I could be.

Last year, I celebrated Thanksgiving with my BFF and her family, which was an honor and I’m completely thankful for.  I had a houseguest, and later on that weekend ended up cooking a full turkey dinner for us. He later passed away in February of this year, so I’m a little tweaked out about this Thanksgiving.  Kinda scared…weird, huh?

The other thing I’m really missing is….no laughing…Pecan Pie!  My Mother-In-Law would ask me every year, what kind of pie would I like for the holidays…and I always said Pecan.  She’s a southern cook and could make that pie like no one’s business! It’s funny, but when she passed away, I couldn’t mourn her properly because of the marriage separation, the ex on crutches, and me having to bear the brunt of the funeral planning, etc.   It wasn’t until the Holiday Season of 2010…I was driving home from work, when I realized that I’d never again taste the pie she always made me with such love. I broke down and started sobbing. The realization finally hit that she was gone forever, and it hurt.

But the bottom line is, I love to cook.  This year, I know my friend’s son will be with his Dad, so she really doesn’t have any plans.  I’m thinking that I’ll cook the main stuff, and she can do appetizers, etc.  I’d love it if my guy could be there, but I doubt he can. So maybe I should look for all the people who don’t have someone to share the holiday with, and just open up the house. I’m sure my Mom will be with my sister, as she should be.  My niece should have as much family around her as possible.

I think this is a menu that I could just have fun with.  And…I think I’m finally ready to try to make a Pecan Pie. Yeah, I know it won’t be as good as the original, but it’s something I must do.  And I know that I’ll be thinking of her when I do it, so that will bring her back to me during the holidays.  And maybe…instead of a Turkey, I’ll do a Goose, or maybe the ultimate…TURDUCKEN!!!  You know, where you stuff a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey…mmmmm.  That may attract every man within a 10 mile radius…might not be a good thing.  We’ll give that one some thought.

Treading Deep Water

Today, I gave my butterfly knife to a friend and taught them how to use it, and where to inflict the most damage on a body, i.e. arterial points and lungs.  I told them to make sure to keep it on their body at all times.

It scares me that I had to do it...but the things this person said scared me far worse.  We live in an age where, if someone snaps, they think they have the right to take you with them.  They think they can say stupid things to make someone they love fear them.  What gives them that right?

This person means far more to me than most people and the thought of something happening to them makes me feel sick to my stomach. This person knows all of my secrets. I have to really love and trust you to tell you everything.  I just feel so inadequate these days.

I feel like I can't say or do anything right. I feel really lost. And then to know that this person is going through something potentially life-threatening really makes me feel like I'm not the friend that I should be. And I'm just not sure how to make things right.  It's nights like these I'd really like to drown myself in tequila or Fireball, but if something happens, I know I need to be there, so I'd better have my head straight.  Because if they call, I'll be coming, and I won't be defenseless.

I really need some Beanster time.  My heart is hurting, my head is hurting, and Winnie-the-Pooh just isn't cutting it right now.

Swimming In It

I have guys coming out of the woodwork.  I don't mean to make the statement like I'm conceited or anything. It's actually quite confusing to me. The "whys" of it all scream at me and if I try to figure it out, I'll just make my head hurt, which sounds like a "dyed blonde" kind of thing to say.

But today, the Work Marine was venting...as you recall, he's married, but divorcing, etc. He was telling me about his "soon to be ex" yelling at his daughter because she stood up for her Dad and told the woman not to yell at him.  He takes a deep breath as he tells me, then apologizes.  I ask what for and he says "This is not something I want to tell the woman I hope to date. I know you're seeing someone else, and I'm not divorced yet, but I want to be able to walk up to you and ask you out when this is all over, and what will you think of me for venting to you?"

Whoa...I thought we were past this. I thought we could be friends and that would be the end of it, but I guess I was just being naive.  Is it naive to think that girls can have guy friends?  I still have a couple of them that I know are my buddies.  Am I deluding myself into thinking that a good man friend, buddy, etc. can be friends with women without thinking about the sex, or seeing them naked?  Do only women think that way?

I'll be truthful. There are some guy friends that I could never see naked in my wildest dreams.  It's just not there, and I don't think of them that way.  I always thought that they thought the same way, but maybe it's a guy thing, i.e. they see every woman naked. I just don't know.  At the very least, I know now that this guy has never really thought of us in the "friend" light without thinking of the possibility of a future. And I have my heart set on someone else.

The other guy, who is also a Marine (yeah people, I know!  I fell into a vat of pheromone's that attracts Marines...but I can't complain because...well...For God's Sake People...We're talking MARINES here!!!) is messaging and he's a really nice, fun guy. And if I didn't care so much about my Cowboy Marine, he could be a contender.   Not to mention the married guy from Grass Valley...He's out cuz I don't do married guys!

I got an invite to a Halloween Party from another guy friend who actually lives in town (yes, I turned him down), who knows about my Cowboy Marine, but as he puts it...."I just have to wait three months till it's over, then you and I are going out".  Well, that's pretty presumptuous, and what does it say about someone that is automatically assuming your relationship will fail?  What if the relationship was with you, and someone else said that same thing....wouldn't it piss you off?

The worst part is....things haven't been quite right since a week after he left me (from our visit people). Yes, I'm talking about the Cowboy.  He texted me every morning and always had some song, or beautiful thing he would say. And now, even though we talk/text every day, I feel like he's checked out a little.  He has a lot on his mind, big things, and then we fight over something so completely stupid, but it's due to the pressure we're both feeling and knowing that we're not where we're supposed to be.  I can't take back the things I said and neither can he.  And then knowing that everyone around you just wants it to fail because they don't think he's the right guy for you. But your heart tells you that this feeling will never quite be the same with someone else. It's unique to this person. Your head has you doing all the right things, and it always has...you protect yourself and perform due diligence...but does that mean that you can't have this person? Even though you know there are faults and mistakes made, does it make this person a bad person?  And...does this person still want you...love you?

And then the doubts set in.  Are all of these guys fucking crazy? Why would any one of these guys want you, when you couldn't even hold on to the guy you were married to for 17 years? He chose alcohol over you, so why would any guy in their right mind look at you twice?

Yes people...I'm swimming in it.  I'm just venting, mind you.  I'm tired from my first day back at work and recovering from coming back from a vacation, that...while fun, lacked that one person I really wanted. There's a lot to do and I must stay focused.

Transitions

There are times in your life where things shift. Life events like divorce, job loss, kids, etc., begin a chain reaction of thoughts and actions that sometimes you're prepared for, and sometimes you're not. And the hard part is...you never know where you're going to end up. 

Sometimes you're not the only one making these transistions. People around you are making transitions at the same time and you're never sure if, once it plays itself out, your relationship will be the same, stronger, or if you'll lose them. 

At my age, I treasure the friends I have and the friendships I have made. I hope that they survive my transistions, but I'm not always sure that they will. On the same token, I have to be respectful of the transitions taking place in their lives also. And this can be really hard.  It's hard to give the people you love the space they need and not suffocate them. You wonder if they'll leave you behind in this process and it scares you.  Maybe because you've been left behind before, or maybe because you've had to be the one to leave someone behind and you know the feeling all to well. 

Life is so short. The losses I've felt in this past year...hell, the past 5 years is a stark reminder that I can't waste what I have. I have to treasure it.

Read My Mistakes on the Internet!

We've all been there.  We've made huge mistakes that have affected our relationships, our bank accounts, perhaps even our lives.  

In the age of the Internet, most of our shit is out there for the world to see...our credit scores and debacles, our flirtation with the opposite sex, that effed up night where we hoisted ourselves on top of the bar and put Miley Cyrus's twerking to absolute shame, our kids stuff, our ex's info, parents details....If there's a will, there's a way to find it. 

How do we want the people around us to perceive us when they find out about the dumb things we've done?  How do we want our Boyfriend or Girlfriend to take some of those details when they find out?

Some of us are smart enough to drop some of those details from jump, so it isn't a surprise to our significant other. No, we don't give you all the details, but you know the basics and you know it's there. 

Others of us hide in secrecy and shame...worried that we won't be forgiven, or won't be understood.  And the sad part is...most of the time that's true. Sometimes you just make an effing mistake, or two...or three, and that's what it is.  You'd do anything to take it back and change it, but you can't. Do your friends, relatives or lovers have the right to judge you? Could they have done better? Have they never been at that point in their lives? 

At some point, it's up to each and every individual to make their own decisions as to how they want to handle the information you've shared with them, and the information they've found out on their own. 

I won't lie...I can be just as judgmental as the next person, but I try not to be. I've done some really fucked up things in the past. I've made some serious mistakes and I've really hurt people. All I can hope is that my friends, family, lover and anyone else will see my heart for what it truly is. 

You will find out things about me on the Internet. I'm vocal, opinionated, conservative and God only knows what else. I can promise that you won't like everything you find out about me and to be honest...as far as I know...I wasn't put on this earth to make you like me. I already know I've pissed off the "Gods" and they have made me pay, so any judging you do about me is on you. 

All I can do is to stop and take time to think objectively about the things I find out, the things you tell me and if I have serious concerns about these things...to approach you and discuss them rationally.  Quite frankly, you may tell me it's none of my fucking business, and I have to be ok with that. If I'm not, then I have decisions to make. Other than that..... Only a perfect person can cast the first stone....

Heartache

My Love has a contract with the Federal Government. Needless to say, with the Government shutdown, he was no longer being paid. With no money coming it, it was important for him to find backup work, so he couldn't come on our "love triip". Heartbreaking (because I know he needed the break), but understandable.

Unfortunately, with all of our texting, we got our wires crossed and ended up in a wicked fight that has lasted almost a week.  Today, I got my first glimmer that things might be ok, because he sent me a song.  But for awhile there, I just didn't know.  It's so hard to be so many miles away, in a foreign country, and not being able to stand in the presence of the one you love, so they can see your eyes, feel your heart and know that it was all a big mistake.  The love is there.

To top it off, I meet a guy from Grass Valley who wanted to get naughty and I meet another Devil Dog on Wednesday night, works out of Portland, and he's made it clear he's interested. I don't need this kind of pressure when my heart is elsewhere.  Besides, this is where I met my guy. I don't want anyone else ruining it for me.

Dizzy needs to get her head straight.  September was a blur and I worked my ass off.  I need the downtime.