Swimming In It

I have guys coming out of the woodwork.  I don't mean to make the statement like I'm conceited or anything. It's actually quite confusing to me. The "whys" of it all scream at me and if I try to figure it out, I'll just make my head hurt, which sounds like a "dyed blonde" kind of thing to say.

But today, the Work Marine was venting...as you recall, he's married, but divorcing, etc. He was telling me about his "soon to be ex" yelling at his daughter because she stood up for her Dad and told the woman not to yell at him.  He takes a deep breath as he tells me, then apologizes.  I ask what for and he says "This is not something I want to tell the woman I hope to date. I know you're seeing someone else, and I'm not divorced yet, but I want to be able to walk up to you and ask you out when this is all over, and what will you think of me for venting to you?"

Whoa...I thought we were past this. I thought we could be friends and that would be the end of it, but I guess I was just being naive.  Is it naive to think that girls can have guy friends?  I still have a couple of them that I know are my buddies.  Am I deluding myself into thinking that a good man friend, buddy, etc. can be friends with women without thinking about the sex, or seeing them naked?  Do only women think that way?

I'll be truthful. There are some guy friends that I could never see naked in my wildest dreams.  It's just not there, and I don't think of them that way.  I always thought that they thought the same way, but maybe it's a guy thing, i.e. they see every woman naked. I just don't know.  At the very least, I know now that this guy has never really thought of us in the "friend" light without thinking of the possibility of a future. And I have my heart set on someone else.

The other guy, who is also a Marine (yeah people, I know!  I fell into a vat of pheromone's that attracts Marines...but I can't complain because...well...For God's Sake People...We're talking MARINES here!!!) is messaging and he's a really nice, fun guy. And if I didn't care so much about my Cowboy Marine, he could be a contender.   Not to mention the married guy from Grass Valley...He's out cuz I don't do married guys!

I got an invite to a Halloween Party from another guy friend who actually lives in town (yes, I turned him down), who knows about my Cowboy Marine, but as he puts it...."I just have to wait three months till it's over, then you and I are going out".  Well, that's pretty presumptuous, and what does it say about someone that is automatically assuming your relationship will fail?  What if the relationship was with you, and someone else said that same thing....wouldn't it piss you off?

The worst part is....things haven't been quite right since a week after he left me (from our visit people). Yes, I'm talking about the Cowboy.  He texted me every morning and always had some song, or beautiful thing he would say. And now, even though we talk/text every day, I feel like he's checked out a little.  He has a lot on his mind, big things, and then we fight over something so completely stupid, but it's due to the pressure we're both feeling and knowing that we're not where we're supposed to be.  I can't take back the things I said and neither can he.  And then knowing that everyone around you just wants it to fail because they don't think he's the right guy for you. But your heart tells you that this feeling will never quite be the same with someone else. It's unique to this person. Your head has you doing all the right things, and it always has...you protect yourself and perform due diligence...but does that mean that you can't have this person? Even though you know there are faults and mistakes made, does it make this person a bad person?  And...does this person still want you...love you?

And then the doubts set in.  Are all of these guys fucking crazy? Why would any one of these guys want you, when you couldn't even hold on to the guy you were married to for 17 years? He chose alcohol over you, so why would any guy in their right mind look at you twice?

Yes people...I'm swimming in it.  I'm just venting, mind you.  I'm tired from my first day back at work and recovering from coming back from a vacation, that...while fun, lacked that one person I really wanted. There's a lot to do and I must stay focused.