Lessons to the Niece

My Niece asked me this past weekend what happened to my old boyfriend.  WOW…that was a zinger. She’s already asked me the questions about the Cowboy (whom she loves and adores) like “Are you going to marry him?”; If you marry him, does this mean I have two Uncles (the ex and the Cowboy)?”

This girl is a crack whip, and so I basically deflect those questions with general stuff like, “Your Uncle N will always be your Uncle, no matter what.” And “J is my boyfriend…we’re not that far in our relationship to talk about marriage”.  But the “What happened to your old boyfriend” question threw me for a loop. I have to be careful who I introduce my Niece to, and how I do it. I’m actually cool with having introduced her to the Cowboy, but maybe it was premature to introduce her to the old boyfriend last year…especially since I knew things were not going as they should. It really smacks my head that I need to be careful about how I present people to her and their importance to me.

Since I know she worships me, I need to make sure to teach her the right lessons about men and relationships. I certainly didn’t want to teach her about divorce, but I think I have taught her how to handle it maturely, how to remain friends, and how to keep your niece involved with her uncle.

So in answering her question, I knew that I needed to be careful.  I want her to know that I don’t get into relationships lightly and that I take them serious. On the other hand, dating and boyfriends are a lot like trying on shoes (just a grander scale)…you’re always looking for a pair that fits, and if they don’t, you have to pass on them.  If they do, you stick with them. So I used that analogy with her. I told her that we didn’t quite fit together like we thought we did. And that it was better to remain friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend.   Crap…this moment was almost as bad as her brother at 6 years old…his little hand in mine…eyes filled with tears…asking me why Simba’s daddy had to die in the Lion King Movie.

I couldn’t tell her that it bothered me that he placed our relationship at a higher importance than his daughter; that his smoking drove me up the wall (I don’t mind friends that smoke, but kissing a smoker, when you’re a non-smoker…); that his inability to plan for the future and no ambition (simple ambition) left me cold; that his jealousy was a killer.  On the other hand, I don’t regret the relationship. He pulled me up from the despair of divorce. He made me realize that there was a life afterward and that I had a lot to offer.  He made me feel attractive when I was sure that I wasn’t and that no man could possibly be interested in me. And I think I helped him turn a page also. He hadn’t dated in awhile and I think he lacked the confidence to make the next jump, so I have no regrets on that score.

While I know we all have to go through this passage of growing up, boyfriends, etc. I worry that my Niece’s view of love will be skewed. My Sister is narcissistic, so her example of love and boyfriends is somewhat altered by her view of “what they can offer her”.  I’m trying desperately to teach my Niece that she has to rely on herself, and make her own way. That the man she falls in love with should be a compliment to her life, not a hindrance. And most important, if you have to walk away from a relationship, have the courage and the fortitude to do it because…you will be ok.

I remember being paralyzed with fear, wondering what would happen to me if I divorced and went out on my own. How would I take care of myself? Who would I be if I didn’t have this man in my life? What if I couldn’t find a place to live, or if I ran out of money? It crippled my ability to look rationally at the life I was living. I let my life get to such a low point that there was no other option but divorce…or death and I’m still suffering the consequences of that lack of confidence.  I never want her to feel that low, that desperate.  She needs to always be confident that she has the ability and power to direct her future, and alter her path.