I Should've....

Turned off the telly right after the Seahawks game, but no...I didn't. I was channel surfing and ended up on one of those reality shows where someone is getting married.  And granted, the wedding was waaaay over the top...totally not realistic.  But that isn't what struck me.

I wonder if I'll ever remarry and do it the right way.  Most of you know that I had to cancel the wedding I had planned due to family stuff, and run off to Tahoe. I'm not the kind of girl that totally dreamed out her wedding and it just had to be a certain way. But every girl wants certain elements, and sadly a lot of my elements were missing.  Watching this show gave me pangs that it will never happen for me...just like having my own children, and I have to accept those things, but sometimes, it's hard.

But to be honest, it isn't the wedding, or any of those things.  I just don't want to question whether or not I'm the girl. I want to look into my man's eyes and know that I'm the only one. I want him to look into my eyes and know he's the only one.  When he looks into my eyes, he should know that he'll never have to compete with another man, with an addiction, that he is the one I want to grow old and die with. And I really don't think its too much to ask for the same thing.

I don't need to remarry, and chances are, if I try for that again, it'll only fail.  Something will invariably happen and I'll have to cancel, yet again.  I just want to know that eventually, I will be with someone who makes me a priority. Someone who loves me.

I'm going to bed.