Treading Deep Water

Today, I gave my butterfly knife to a friend and taught them how to use it, and where to inflict the most damage on a body, i.e. arterial points and lungs.  I told them to make sure to keep it on their body at all times.

It scares me that I had to do it...but the things this person said scared me far worse.  We live in an age where, if someone snaps, they think they have the right to take you with them.  They think they can say stupid things to make someone they love fear them.  What gives them that right?

This person means far more to me than most people and the thought of something happening to them makes me feel sick to my stomach. This person knows all of my secrets. I have to really love and trust you to tell you everything.  I just feel so inadequate these days.

I feel like I can't say or do anything right. I feel really lost. And then to know that this person is going through something potentially life-threatening really makes me feel like I'm not the friend that I should be. And I'm just not sure how to make things right.  It's nights like these I'd really like to drown myself in tequila or Fireball, but if something happens, I know I need to be there, so I'd better have my head straight.  Because if they call, I'll be coming, and I won't be defenseless.

I really need some Beanster time.  My heart is hurting, my head is hurting, and Winnie-the-Pooh just isn't cutting it right now.