Brotherhead Mic (nickname)

My brother is going in for exploratory surgery on the 30th. I’ll be in Sunnyvale learning the ins and outs of Microsoft Project. He’s had this done a number of times, but it always worries me. I’m the person on record if anything happens and decisions need to be made. He has 11 stents keeping his arterial walls open and various other heart ailments. He’s only 14 months younger than I am and he says that he knows this heart stuff will kill him. He doesn’t expect to live to be an old man.

I’m extremely selfish. I don’t want my brother going before I do. It’s no secret that my sister and I don’t get along. We’re keeping things light and cordial, but I don’t think we’ll ever be true sisters. My Mom and I don’t get along either. We’re too close in age, and she wants to compete or fight me for everything. She stresses me out…and yes, she lives with me, which makes it harder.

With my brother, it’s always been him and I against the world. My sister is 7 years younger than I am, so there’s the age difference and stuff. My brother and I are connected. When he was young (age 3 to 5) I did his speaking for him….Mikey wants this, Mikey said that… Poor kid, when he got to Kindergarten there was no one there to speak for him. I’m probably the reason he had to repeat the grade. As we got older, it was us against the AntiChrist (stepfather). We shared the misery, the beatings, and the whole religious crap of having to be the “perfect” children of a hypocritical “Elder” of the Kingdom Hall. I’d say that there’s only a small period of time, during his addiction phase, that we weren’t connected.

Now, he’s the one lifeline on my side of the family that I have. We talk a couple of times a month, usually more, sometimes less. But he’s always there…in the back of my mind, in my thoughts, my soul. I wonder if I have the fortitude to make the kinds of decisions he wants me to make if the time comes.

This surgery is not supposed to be too serious, but how many more of those will he have to go through…and which one is going to be the one that he doesn’t recover from? I know he’s thinking about it, and he knows I am….no use pretending.

Anyway People, I’m just mentally unloading, and here is where I do it. With the stuff my mother has been telling me (it’s soul-searing crap that can never be unloaded and will die with me), I have to make some head-room. I’m generally optimistic, but if I wax morose, it’s just that…unloading….hey, you’re the one reading this…you could’ve stopped anytime.

Anyway…if ya’ll get a moment, please say a little prayer for him. We’d be appreciative.