Aching

There's a part of me that's died tonight. It's like a bitter pill that dissolves in my mouth, and I can't get rid of the foul taste of it. My nephew is dead. And there's so much more to this story then I should post.  But I can't. I've been strong all day. I've held his mother and father, I told my sister (who gave him up for adoption) that he's gone, I told my mother, but the worst part was telling my boy (his brother) that they'll never be able to finish their relationship. I want to scream from the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rail about the choices that were made that I couldn't control. I want to throw ashes on my head, like the women in biblical times.  I want to strike out and make someone hurt as much as I do. I want to give my life for another moment so my boy and the parents could have some more time with him. I want to die so I could have more time with him. But I need to be here for my kid and his sister. I keep screaming silently, so no one will hear me. But the screaming in my head is so loud, it's deafening.

I'm happy I was your friend, but I so wanted to be your Auntie. I so wanted you to know how very much I love you and that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. That alone in the night, I want so very much to understand your pain and to take it away. That I fought for your happiness, and thought you had it.  Your parents so love you. It broke my heart to see your mother fighting the heart-wrenching sobs over your loss. The vacant stare on your father's face considering the empty nothingness without you.

What kind of deal with God can I make to bring you back? Can I sell my soul to the Devil? What bargain can be struck to see your face again? Take everything, take it all. Take my life, my money, my house, my heart, my soul. I thought I gave it all when you left, but I was so wrong. I never thought my heart could be double-tapped like it is now. Rest in peace sweet boy.  I so love you.

Yoyo

It seems like since I got back on the StairMaster, my weight has been doing this bouncing yoyo trick.  I spend 3 fraking months not exercising and maintain a steady weight and as soon as I get back to exercising, it bounces like a fraking superball.  Up, down…up, down…up, down.  It's enough to turn a sane girl to tequila!  What is up with that?  My eating habits are fairly the same but my body is trying to get used to being back in the metabolism zone.  At least my clothes are fitting.  As a matter of fact, I don't see much of a change in sizing, so I must be ok.  I'm in the 6/8 category (or 9 in misses) so I'm not complaining about that. Just wish it would steady out.

I'm actually fairly comfortable with where I'm at in the body/weight range.  I expect to drop about 5 to 7 lbs though just tightening up and toning, but not by dieting.  I gave up dieting and just changed my eating habits when I started this journey 3 years ago.  I watch what I eat during the week, load up on proteins, vegetables and fruit. I'm extremely sparse on bread and most carbs, drink lots of water and I exercise.  On the weekends, I drink my margaritas, eat what I want (within reason, I don't totally pig out) and exercise either Saturday or Sunday.   I do need to do something about my inner thighs though.  Vin Diesel does give me a workout, but they're fairly flabby!  I'm thinking about one of those ThighMasters, especially since I won't have access to weight machine equipment anymore.  It's nice and compact and would go with me.

 

It's weird trying to whittle your life down to a few boxes. Deciding what to keep for the long haul and what you haven't used or worn in ages and getting rid of it.  A girl at work has been the recipient of some of my clothes.  She's losing weight so fast that the nice slacks that I bought 6 months ago probably won't fit her for long (I just downsized 4 weeks ago after the "Chonie Incident").  I have tons of books and magazines that will be difficult to let go of. I left most of the stuff to the man, so I should only have a few boxes, i.e. clothes, shoes, Pampered Chef stuff, etc.

Now the big question….what does one do with the Wedding Dress?  It's not like I want to destroy it because I value our marriage and don't regret the experience or regret marrying the man. There's no way the style is coming back.  If I keep it, it would only be for dress-up purposes for my niece, but that's a lot of space for something like that. Any ideas?

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Reflections

I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a funk.  Not depressed really, but maybe a bit overwhelmed with the magnitude of all that needs to be done. I go outside to bring in some wood and find myself pausing for long periods, smelling the air, watching the trees, looking at the sky between our pine/oak canopy and knowing that soon, I won't be able to do that anymore.  I know in my heart that I'll really miss it.  I've been in the Sierra's for 20 years this July…two decades.

 

I remember the two of us taking a drive up the Foresthill Road and about half way (I still remember the exact point) I knew this was it.  I turned to Norm and said "This is where I want to live".  It was just far enough away from the drama of Sacramento, but close enough to put up with a commute. When you find "home" you just know.  This small community welcomed us and took us in.  I love that they close down Main Street for the 4^th of July parade.  I love that they throw fundraisers for local people in need.  I love that the community embraces and supports the schools and the little league teams. I love that complete strangers will wave to me from their front porch as I go walking by, but then they're not really strangers, are they?

 

But then I wake up, like today, and the sun is shining. I'm healthy, I have a job and a future, and I know everything will be ok. I'll make the occasional trek back to my mountain town and visit friends. I'll bring my Niece to visit her Uncle and we'll take time to play in the park. I guess the trick is to be "in" and enjoy the moment.

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Update

Well, we've bid adieu to another season of taxes.  We went through a preparer this year due to the changes, inheritance, etc.  Actually got a refund from Fed/State, which blew me away… till I figured out why. 

 

Home loan stuff is completed and now I'm just following up with the contractor on when his schedule is open and review of the plans for the house.  Hope I have enough money to cover it all.  The revisions will take 3 ½ months, so I'll be rooming with a friend. She only lives a couple of miles from the place, so I'll be able to check up and to check mail.  Looks like I'll be reunited with my kitty and move into the house in September.

 

All the decisions that need to be made are intimidating.  I've been going through stores like Home Depot and Lowes, visiting websites, asking opinions on what kind of appliances, what kinds of faucets, cabinets, blah blah blah.  I so wish I was one of those "Girly Girl" chicks that can decorate naturally, but I'm really 50% male.  I like the rusts, brown, no frill type stuff, but can't decorate to save my life!!!  Inside the house is like a foreign world to me..I can live in it, but all that other stuff, who knows!

 

I'm also debating about what to do to enclose my yard at a reasonable price.  I do not want wood fencing!  SimTek looks nice, but pricey!  So is stone! Should I consider more of a natural barrier like a fast growing tree?  I could actually surround the property for under $7k with a natural fence of Thuja Green Giant trees. They grow 3-5 feet per year, are thick, drought tolerant, disease & insect resistant and are not prone to bagworm and grow in almost any soil. What do you guys think of that option?  Whatever suggestions you give will be considered.

 

Anyway, that's enough for now.  I'll try and update a little more often.  It's difficult with packing and stuff. Not even sure if I'll have computer access during the summer (except by iPhone).

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BEEN A LONG TIME....

I know it’s been awhile since the last time I posted. The only excuse I can use is that “life got in the way”. Been scrambling to get a home loan to complete the repairs/remodel needed on the CH house.  I finally get one through Paramount Equity and the home appraises much lower than expected.  What does this mean for me?  Well, the add-on to the house may have to wait (I was going to extend the great room into the carport), but I can do everything else inside the house, so I should be ok.  What I figure I can do is go ahead and renovate what I have, put the new solar on the roof, then have the house re-appraised and get a re-finance at a bigger amount and then get the room done.  My contractor says in his opinion, we haven’t seen the end of the housing crash and thinks that interest rates will dip even lower this summer/fall, so I could possibly beat my current interest rate of 4.75%. 
 
In the meantime, I’m going to have a huge sheet-rock, interior gutting party and supply pizza and beer.  I’ve already got some great buddies lined up to assist, so I’m psyched about that, and that will save me a huge amount of money to put toward the remodel.  What would I do without friends?
 
The cool thing is the Soon-to-be-Ex and I are getting along. He’s been helping me out as far as the loan stuff, meeting with the appraiser and getting his share of the divorce paperwork done.  He’s not happy about it, but he is being chill. The only thing that bothers me is that he’s still refusing to take responsibility for his part in this.  He knows that he bears it, but when he speaks, it’s always something else.  In his words, he “married an independent woman so this is part of the outcome”.  I corrected him and said that I’m not divorcing him because I’m independent.  I wanted to be an independent married woman. I’m divorcing him because I finally drew a hard line in the sand and he crossed it. My fear is that even this life-altering event will not stop his addiction and it will be hard to watch him deteriorate…even from a distance. I’m not divorcing him because I don’t love him anymore…I do still love him.  I’m divorcing him because the decisions he makes while under the influence of alcohol impact my life and future, and I can’t let him do that anymore.
 
On the upbeat, my having to stress my independence has given me confidence.  I’m still scared, but it’s the healthy scared..not the paralyzed scared I was feeling last summer.  A person never really knows what they’re capable of until they have to face their demons.  That whole “fight or flight” thing kicks in.  Well Ladies and Gentlemen….if I’m going down…I’m going down fighting, and I’m taking chunks out of my opponent as I go!