What Does It Take?

Things are going ok.  And I have these moments where I look around and think that it can't be any better than it is at this moment.  But I also wonder...why do things happen the way that they do?

I have a cousin that is disrespectful and thinks the world revolves around her. She's too good to apologize because she has every reason in the book to act the way that she does.

I have a man that after almost 3 years, he's unwilling to let me go, but unwilling to pull the trigger.  I've made it clear that I'm not waiting around and that I'm seeing other people.

I have another man that is obtuse!  He can't see beyond his nose and doesn't think twice about the way he treats me.  I'm not sure if it's just me, or all women.

And I have a young man that I'm just not sure where it's headed.  I think it's just sex and we have fun together.  But then he shows his "Dad" side and gives this picture of his life that...well, you wouldn't necessarily do if it's just sex.  I don't know. Maybe what confuses me is...ME.  Am I narrow minded in thinking that there couldn't be anything between us other than sex?  The age difference is huge, and I saw first hand what it did to my in-laws.  Yes, I know what he sees in me, but that could change with time. Time is the enemy of the body and the mind.

And then there's the Ex.  I got a call from the boy yesterday, and I can tell from his voice that he's not happy with his Dad. His Dad hasn't been calling him back, even though he's been leaving messages. He's really upset because of something I caused and didn't realize.  I was talking to the ex and asked if he'd talked to the boy and heard the news.  He said no, and I said that we knew what the sex of our Grandchild was.  I went ahead and told him, kind of feeling bad that it wasn't the boy doing it.  When I confessed to the boy what I did, he told me that he had already told his Dad and that he was upset that his Dad didn't remember. He's still upset about it and I can feel the hurt.  This is what I've tried to prevent all of these years. I worked my ass off so the boy would never know what a raging alcoholic his Dad was.

Now, I can't stop the hemorrhaging that's happening right before my eyes.  I can't stop my boy from hurting over the only Dad that's ever meant anything to him, and I can't stop his Dad from ruining the only relationship worth holding tight to.  He's already kissed our marriage goodbye, but the boy chose us to be his parents. He CHOSE as an adult for us to adopt him. Now, due to my husband's addiction, he doesn't see the harm he's causing our boy...and I feel powerless to stop the damage that's being done. We are going to be Grandparents, and the ex is missing the whole adventure.

Some things are spinning out of control. And I'm admitting that I'm powerless to stop it.  And I hate being powerless.  But it is what it is.

Disconcerted

I'm a little off tonight. I'm in need of a little magic. You know...true magic. The kind that comes from someone who truly loves you.  The kind that comes from a 12 year old girl who's laughter tinkles like the sound of crystal bells. Who's eyes light up and shine when you're reflected in their depths. With a heart big enough to overcome the biggest obstacles.

I'm hurting a little, and I'm so tired. I know it's gonna get worse in the next few weeks due to the pressures at work, among other things. I'll write about the other things later, because I'm so pissed off and biter about it that it'll come out wrong and very vicious. And I really don't like myself when I think that way.

I have piano playing on the Bose and the french doors are open. I've cut the lawn and the yard looks pretty in the sunset. The breeze is blowing and you can hear the leaves rustling in the trees. It's evenings like these that I really love my home. I'm so blessed and lucky with the friends and family that helped me create this little piece of heaven. And I'm grateful to Mom Trafton for giving it to me.  I wonder if she's here and sees it.  I wonder if she likes it. I think she'd be just as happy here as I am.

I have a couple of things left to do to finish it off, but it may take a little while.  In the meantime, I love what I have.

And on that note, I'm going to bed. The morning comes early, and there's a lot demanding my attention at work.  Must be rested.  G'nite peeps.

Can I Pick Em??? Or Can I Pick Em???

So the men in my life (with the exception of the youngest) has been causing me grief. We’re gonna have to break this down Dizzy style and see if we can make any sense to it.

Let’s start with the one I’ve know the longest, ET. ET I’ve known since my junior/senior year of high school. He was the best friend of my GF’s BF, so we ended up a lot of places together.  We never hooked up, but we knew how to have fun.  Fast forward to about 6 years ago.  Ended up finding each other on FB and meeting up together with my GF to reminisce about the old times.  We’ve stayed fast friends…perhaps a bit more than friends.  We’ve played around, etc.  We have fun together and I’ve helped him out of some tough situations, but when it comes down to pulling the trigger, he’s self-conscious about the fact that he isn’t as established as I am, and his career in the medical field is just now coming to fruition.  He always says that he wants more to offer me, and I continually tell him that I’m self sufficient.  As long as he takes care of himself and his daughter, he doesn’t have to worry about me.  So he takes me to dinner on Sunday night, and we have a great time.  Although we do not do the ‘naughty’, we do smooch, etc.  He tells me I’m a real woman, but again, he tells me that he has nothing to offer me.  Oh and, do I know how much he loves me?  What?  If you love someone, don’t you want to do everything you can to be with that person?  I’m not buying it.

Then we have the Cabo Cowboy.  He’s not really in the picture, because I needed to move on and he was unwilling to sacrifice for the relationship.  It is what it is.  However, he continues to contact me, email, send music videos, etc. He says he still cares for me, wants to be in the picture, but again…blah blah blah blah. Actions speak louder than words my friend.  No action?  No deal!

Enter Cabo 2013.  He’s been in and out of the picture for the past couple of years. First he’s interested, then he’s got a girlfriend.  When I give him the space he needs for this girlfriend, he calls me up drunk telling me he doesn’t want to be friends because I stopped calling him. When I explain that I still want to be friends, but I didn’t want to encroach upon his new relationship, he gets it and all is forgiven.  They only last a couple of months and then it’s over, so 2013 starts back in the “when are we gonna get together” track.  I’ve written about our series of mishaps, but to make a long story short….I’ve been to his neck of the woods 3 times.  The first night of the first time was freaking awesome (it was a 4 nite trip).  Everything after that didn’t happen…and it was due to his unwillingness to ask, pursue, etc , and dealing with the loss of his wife.  

Now he says that he would be receptive to a visit from me and we’ll make things happen…Oh, but no guarantees.  And I’m his until someone better comes along for him.  What???  Are you kidding me?  So I’m completely honest with him and tell him how I feel.  I tell him that after a life of pursing and trying to please the men in my life, I’ve had enough.  I want to feel wanted, I want to be pursued.  I’ve already been to see you three times in the past year, you haven’t come to see me once.  I get that this is a long distance relationship, but we agreed long ago that we were not making any promises to each other and it didn’t need to be said…nor did the ‘someone else’ comment.  I’m rather pissed about the whole thing because basically, I’m ok to have sex with, as long as I go to him.  I’m not worth traveling for.  Well, I’m sorry Baby, but when I weigh paying $300+ for a plane ticket to see you for sex, not to mention the other things I’ll be spending money on, versus getting it for free locally, well….it’s a no brainer. You’ve done nothing to distinguish why it would be worth it.  You don’t even treat me like a good friend.

Ok, I saved the best for last.  The youngest. He’s 35, fun, great looking, good job, lives locally (right??? I’m growing up..kinda) and he’s taken the time to get to know me and pursue me.  Yes, he knows there’s a 15 year age difference between us, but when I ask him about it, he says its part of the appeal.  It turns him on.  We talked for 2 months before we got together. And OMG, this guy is HOT!  I don’t need to get into detail here, but youth is a freaking fantastic thing! This guy can go all night, and is confident enough to let me do me.  

Now that I’ve reached the age that I have, I have not been inhibited in the bedroom. I just let it go because, quite frankly, it is what it is. My body is what it is, and if my partner is turned off by it, there’s the door.  This guy keeps coming back for more. He’s constantly calling and sending me sweet texts, naughty texts, fun texts, and we just have fun laughing. Plus, he’s a lifetime NRA member.  What’s not to love?  Don’t get me wrong folks…I’m aware that this is not the “Happily Ever After” relationship.  This is the “Let’s have fun and see how long it lasts” relationship”.  Letting go of expectations is making this one fun ride.

Bottom line is…I need to make some adjustments to the way I do things because “I am the common denominator” in all of these relationships. I’m not sure what it is that I need to tweak on myself, but I do know that I’m putting my foot down and not doing the pursuing and saving of the relationships anymore.  Stick a fork in my ass and call me done! I’m realistic enough to know that I don’t possess Ms. America looks, or Paris Hilton money, but I’m decent looking, I’m smart, I make my own money, I own my own home (well…the bank does, but you know…), I have a wicked sense of humor and I’m fun.  I’m not clingy, I don’t harp, and I’m pretty laid back.  If these guys want a woman that is high maintenance, so be it.  I’m not changing myself to be that person.  Fuck that Shit!  I know there’s someone out there for me that will appreciate what I have to offer, and vice versa. 

Rant over...G'nite Peeps!!