Dizzy Down

I'm not really sure how much more I can take

• FSR deadlines
• Project deadlines
• Brother in law's death
• Friend in hospice for cancer
• Anniversary of Mom's death
• Ex hospitalized for Advanced liver disease due to drinking
• FIL smack talking...accusing me of cheating on the ex 
• Mom needing more babysitting (she takes in every stray person that comes her way)
• Cousin issues

There's more, but I think I've made my point. This morning, even though I was awake by 6:30 a.m., I kept my ass in bed till almost 11.  All the doors and windows were open, there was a breeze blowing through the house, and I just laid there.  

It wouldn't be so bad if some of the things happening had good outcomes. But my friend being in hospice means she's dying. My ex refuses to acknowledge his problem is as serious as it is and in my heart I know that if he doesn't do something, he will die. I have the burden of trying to make sure our son's inheritance is intact, because he hasn't done it yet.  And despite it all, I still love him and always will.  I just couldn't watch him go out the way he's choosing to.  Turns out, I still have a front row seat. 

I need peace. I want someone I can lean my head on and breathe and know that everything will be alright. I don't like feeling I'm alone.  I know I'm not, and I have great friends (really more like family) that help keep me grounded. But they have their own lives.  I'm not sleeping at night because I can't shut my head off.  A million thoughts are ping ponging against the walls of my brain and I'm having a hard time just grabbing on to one. 

I notice I'm starting to turn to my addiction...food...to cope. But I'm not going out that way either. So I'm battling my compulsive behavior on top of everything else.  I just need to win at something here.  The only time I'm outside of my head is when I'm playing with R. He's fun. But...

I'll hold on though cuz I'm the strong one. I'm not allowed to fail. I can fail at the small things, but not the large ones. I can fail at my love life, but not at protecting the boy, the niece, Mom.  Although truth be told...we already know that they've been hurting and I haven't been able to prevent it. 

Ignore the ramblings of the cray cray chick. Dizzy's down. But she's not out.  She'll pick herself up and kick the shit out of life, cuz that's what she has to do.