Again...

We lost another sweet soul to cancer. When I first found out she had cancer, I was with the others...waiting for her to return. But I got tired of waiting...

So I started writing her.  I think I'm at my best when I'm writing.  I started regaling her with the naughty bits of my life...with the understanding that everything I wrote her and she read would be Vegas.  I was very descriptive...something I don't normally do with most people at work.  She was such a sweet soul, but for some reason, I felt like she needed a bit of the naughty to stop the doubts from rolling around in her head.

She rallied and came back to work.  But, it was short lived.  Once she found out the cancer was back, she retired.  I still wrote her.  I still told her all the stuff that I'd never want people at work to find out about me.  I still wanted to believe that a bit of the naughty would help her fight. She knows the in's and out's of the Cabo Cowboy...she knows about D from Washougal (and that I called him a vagina), she knows about the boytoy and my angst of never finding a love that will last forever.  Alas, it was not to be.  She knew she was leaving and accepted that...she went with grace. She made her peace with God.

I, however, have a difficult time with it.  I know this isn't going to be the last person I lose...no matter how much I wish it was. But I can't help but think there are more difficult roads ahead for me. I need all the guardian angels I can get, but I don't want them leaving me in life. I need them here. Cancer is unfair, it's insidious, it's demoralizing. Yeah, I know life isn't fair...I've always known it and lived with it.  But it always takes really good people!

I'm just venting here peeps. But it's things like these that make you treasure the little things.  This weekend...the day she died, I was holding my niece close, my nose buried in her hair and thinking right at that moment that I didn't want it to end.  That this moment is the epitome of my life...there couldn't possibly be a sweeter moment and I started to cry.  My niece looked at me and asked me..."Auntie, why are you crying?" I told her that they were happy tears and that she is such a treasure in my life.  Although she didn't get the words...she got the feeling and she clutched on to me and held me close...and we stayed like that...for quite awhile.

It's the little things, the scent of someone's hair, the trace of a touch on your skin, a sweet memory of life, of love...of what was, what could've been, what will be.

Ana was loved, she was respected, treasured. She will be missed and in the grand scheme of things, I think that if I can achieve the same, I won't be doing half bad.

The Ex

Tonight was about getting together with the ex and working on his will and health directive.  He's put me in charge of it all. I will be the one to make any decisions in the event that he is unable to.  I am the executor of the estate.  I wasn't really sure if he wanted me to be, or if his GF now held the power, but no...he wants me to do it.

He was stone cold sober, which is great...but his legs and stomach are so swollen with fluid. He's still yellow, so we know that his liver isn't functioning as it should. The doctor talked to him about a liver transplant if his liver doesn't start functioning again. Apparently, you have to get on a list now...even if you're not sure you need one.

However, in his situation, he'll be required to prove that he is alcohol free for 6 months.  This means random testing, etc.  I don't know that he's ever gone 6 months without alcohol.  I fear that one slip up could be his undoing. So what do I do?

His Dad is still tearing him down. And based upon what his GF talked about, although she may not be drinking in the house, she's bartending part time at a local watering hole...and drinking while there.  They are unwittingly (I hope unwittingly) undermining his efforts.

I've decided to pay his Dad a visit and make it extremely clear to him that I will not tolerate his abusive talk.  That I expect him to be encouraging or silent and that if he continues to tear his son down, then I will make it my mission to make his life a living hell if his son doesn't survive this journey. I have to do this...I need to do this.  I will not allow the Ex to be undermined..I will not allow anyone to damage his efforts.  If he fails, he fails due to his choices, not the people around him.  I will do everything in my power to ensure my Niece does not lose another male figure at this point in her life.

Sounds like I'm still married to him, huh?  I won't lie...I love him, and I will always love him.  I'm not in love with him and we'll never be "together" again. But we have a Son, and we have a future as Grandparents, and I need to do what's in my power to ensure the family stays a family.  Even if we're a divided one. My Son needs this, my Niece needs this...I need this. So, I'll suck it up and do what's necessary.

I just sincerely hope that I get a break soon, cuz I'm stressed to the max!

It Doesn't Take Long....

After a nice, extended weekend with the Cabo Crew....it doesn't take long for real life to come crashing in and letting you know that it never really left.  It just waited outside the door until you open it and it can smack you back in the face.

First...the July 4th weekend.  OMG, so much fun! R and K really pulled out all the stops and were such great hosts!  They opened their home to all of us, took us boating and to dinner...twice!  The Edgewood buffet for the 4th was the BOMB!  Delicious food, great company and the scenery in Tahoe is to die for.  Don't forget the fireworks...awesome.  It was my only opportunity to get really smashed (as I did a lot of designated driving...and I'm totally ok with that) and I didn't disappoint.

It's rare for me to get so wasted to the point that I cry...but I did.  Although I remember why.  We're sitting in the cab for the ride home, I got a hot ginger on my lap, but I realize that everyone in the Cab has someone.  They're looking at their significant others and are happy, laughing, sharing the moment...Even the single buddy of mine is texting her guy on her cell...and I don't have anyone.  Worse, the two guys who's interest I do have are complete morons!  One in a state of transition, and the other, I walked away from, but he just doesn't want to let me go.  On top of that, he won't stop contacting me, but he won't follow through.  So I ignore him, but it hurts.  With everything going crazy in my life, it would be nice to have a guy that's totally into me and can prove it....a guy that puts me first, and I don't think I've ever had that.

So this realization smacked me in the face...and tequila pushed me over the edge, and I'm crying about it. When we get back to the house, I realize I need to walk this shit off and suck it up.  My friends are having fun and I'm bringing them down. So that's what I do.  I crank up the Rock, and walk.  I feel better when I get back, but the rest of the weekend, I was looking at my friends in a whole new light...watching how they interact with their significant others, and how content they are.  I'm envious but not jealous.  I have to believe that it will happen for me one day.

My friends bought my lunch on the last day, and my two copper mugs for Moscow Mules.  How awesome is that? I hated to see them leave.  It's so hard to believe that we could meet a group of people on a Cabo vacation...and still be friends two years later.  That is a blessing.

When I get back...I'm dealing with all of the work stuff, having to bring the hammer down and light the fires...but that is what Project Managers do.  I have the draft will ready for the ex, so he'll be by with his girlfriend tomorrow and we'll discuss it. My Mom is having rent issues, so I'm having to battle the manager of her place.  I pay the rent, but they want to tell me my bank didn't pay on time (I've done autopay for the last 6 years and never had an issue)..WTF!

The cousin still has issues, and although I've thrown out a reasonable solution..I don't think she'll take it.  But I have to walk away and let her do what she's gonna do.  The boy's birthday is next week, the anniversary of my nephew's death is the week after, and I'm still thinking about the MIL's death anniversary from last month (June 23rd).

It's her home I live in...although I've made it my own.,..AND I LOVE IT!!! But I think of her all of the time. I miss her. I miss the Mom figure that totally got me and embraced me and truly loved me.  I'll never again have that, and I miss it and really want a Mom right now.  I'm 50 fucking years old, and want a Mommy to hug!  I want all the issues to miraculously vanish...at least for a little while. If wishes were horses...then dreamers would ride.