A Stunningly Beautiful Blustery Day!!!

It's raining and windy. The scent in the air is crisp, clean and wonderful.  I've made cauliflower steaks and they're on the grill outside.  So everytime I set foot outside I get to smell the air and feel the coolness. Yes, the cauliflower steaks are a bit of an experiment, but I think it'll be kind of fun.  My home is pretty clean, toasty warm and comfortable.

I'm dressed in comfy stretchies and a pullover top.  The fireplace is going and I've got the next week off for Thanksgiving.  How lucky can one girl be?  Yes, it would be nice if I was sharing this moment with true love, but then...in a way I am.  I'm having a love affair with myself.  Well, it's just starting out...again...but....

Yeah, I've got lots of faults and stuff, but there's a lot to appreciate about myself.  I need to remember the great things about myself and sometimes I forget to do that.  I focus on the bad and obsess about the wrong things and have to remind myself that there are good things about me.  Do you know what I mean?  The bottom line is, how can I expect someone to love me, if I don't love myself?

It's funny how the majority of people will say that selfishness is a bad thing.  However, I believe that there can be a healthy selfishness.  A persons intimate knowledge of themselves and a self love will keep them alert and looking out for themselves.  It gives them a sense of self-preservation so they'll know when something is bad for them and know when to walk away.  If you think you're not worth the best, then you'll always be settling for less, for less then you are truly worth.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And while I won't make some of those thoughts privy to my blog, I will say that the steps I've been taking are good ones.  The thoughts are solid and I will kick ass and take names on my future...and no one is going to stop me!

Let it Rock, Let it Roll...Let it Go!

I'm finding my way back to me. Part of divorcing and re-evaluating my relationships was to find out how to just live and not control everything around me. I let that slip away, and I've been working my way back to that. 

It's weird, but I forgot how to relax and just let life around me roll. I'm used to controlling (or at least the illusion that I had control) the things around me.  As a kid, everything was beyond my control and I so desperately wanted it.  I was tired of the Adults in my life making decisions that I didn't want to be a part of.  I was tired of the abuse, the yelling and religion being shoved down my throat.  I was pissed that the AntiChrist controlled everything around me, and I didn't have the power to change things.  

The sad thing is, I've still been fighting that fight, and I need to stop.  I can only control me, what I do, how I do my job and my life and nothing else.  I can't control the men I date, I can't control my friends, I can't control the environment outside of my home....I have to breathe and just let things be. 

I have to remind myself that I can have inner peace and stop struggling to bring it to me...it's already here and resides inside.  Take a deep breath Diz and let it go.

Hmmmm

I had one hell of a weekend.  A friend came down from Washington for the weekend.  "T" is a down chick.  She knows how to have fun, has a wicked sense of humor, is a SeaHawk fan....but I still like her. I've been extremely blessed to meet some really cool people in Cabo..then take those meetings and turn them into friendships. It's unusual, but how lucky can a girl get?

K and R offered their Tahoe home, and she's never been, so off we went.  K and R met her with me, at the same time.  We were all together in Cabo, so I've nicknamed the group the "Cabo Crew".   Of course this is the 2013 group.  2012 was a whole different group. Someone made a facetious remark and said I only had 6 weeks to get to Cabo and meet Marine 2014 (being that I had a Marine 2012 and 2013)...is opening a can of Whupass too severe on this person?

Anyway, one of the really cool things about the weekend is seeing Tahoe through new eyes. I love it every time I see it, but there's nothing like the first time. It was so fun to walk around, see the views, etc.

The three of us ladies had such a good time playing games, laughing, etc.  I swear, I have a laughter hangover...and those are the best kinds. I hated to see her go, and even she said that it would be nice if we lived closer together.
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Now it is the start of a new week.  I've been thinking about dating closer to home.  No, I do not want to use those websites like eHarmony, or Match.com.  I know damn well that I can be whomever I want to be online.  So why would I go looking for someone who's going to try and be the perfect man?  Yeah, I don't think so.

However...as bad as this sounds...I wouldn't mind dating a man with Money.  Not crazy money, just comfortable money.  No, I don't want his money.  I just want him to leave what little money I have alone.  I want him to buy me coffee and not blink. I want him to be able to go on vacation with me and be comfortable with the whole thing.  Is that bad? Does that make me a money-hungry bitch?

To be honest...I don't mind working men...I love them.  I love that they're independent and hard working.  There is nothing better than a hard working man, and it doesn't matter how much money in in the bank.  But for once, I'm thinking I should look a bit higher.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not sure I'm the kind of girl that can attract that kind of man. But it doesn't matter.  It would be fun...just for once. And one thing I know....I am a fun girl.  I don't have to be the prettiest, smartest or have the best body...but I am fun.

Ok.  I think I'm done for the evening.  G'nite peeps.

Trust

How do you know when to trust? Family and friends you've known your entire life can break your trust.  If it's done for the right reasons...you can forgive it. But what about others?

How do you know when to walk away?  How do you know when to let your head do the talking and tell your heart to shut the fuck up?

I don't know Peeps.  I'm so conflicted right now, and it really isn't the time for me to be this way.  There are things I need to buckle down on, things I need to concentrate on.  There are things I need to say goodbye to and let go, and other things that I need to hold tight to.

I'm tired, I'm alone and tonight....I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It doesn't help that I may have busted my nose.  Yeah, it wasn't pretty, but I heard a crack and had blood gushing out of the inside and outside of my nose.

It doesn't help that my ex-husband has found someone and he's going to AA for her...but could never do that for me.  Don't get me wrong...any woman that can get him out of his addiction is ok in my book, and I will accept her no matter what.  But why couldn't he do that for me?

It doesn't help that my ex-boyfriend got married last weekend and is starting a new chapter in his life.  Yes, I'm happy for him...but I've always felt one of the main reasons he was with me was to get back to California, but still...it hurts a little.

It doesn't help that I feel like an "after-thought" in some people's lives due to their unwillingness to communicate with me.

It doesn't help that one man in my life seems to think that I want something more serious in my life like a committed relationship, but doesn't realize that "Hey...I'm your out of state friend...don't you think there's a reason for that?"  He asks me why I didn't stay at his house with him, and I said "you didn't ask me".  His response... "I didn't think I needed to."  Really??? So if I assume that I'm supposed to be staying with you, doesn't that mean that I think there's more to our friendship...that I want more"  But me not assuming that means to you that I want more than you're willing to give?  Dude...I don't know what the fuck I want....and you're assuming I want more???  Actually, I do know what I want, but I can't have it. And it really has nothing to do with you.

"But long before, having hurt

    I'd send the pain below

  I'd send the pain below

    Much like suffocating"