Yesterday we moved from the one bedroom to a three bedroom penthouse. Nice digs, we've stayed in it before. This time, however, I was able to wrangle the penthouse of penthouses...Unfortunately, we can't move in until tomorrow, but I'm tickled pink about it. I've tried to get into this one for 12 years, and finally...601 changes from dream to reality.
Last night, the man and I had a good talk about the future. He's decided that he wants the Forethill house, which means that I'll be moving to Citrus Heights. Am I upset about it? No. It's a prime piece of property and with a little work and money, it'll be a good home. I'll tear down the house that's on it, cuz Mom's aways hated it and put something else there. Also need to look into Granny quarters for Dad. Yes, I do see some issues in the future, but hopefully we can work those out. There's still the issue of why we're divorcing, and I somehow think that issue isn't going away anytime soon. This means that me, my job, etc will continue to be the scapegoat for awhile. Ah well.
Still haven't figured out the router issue, and it looks like I'l have to do my hijack option.
Don't hate me Bitches, but I'm sitting on a lounge chair, facing the ocean and typing this blog under a palapa. Can it get any better? If I could figure out a way to make a living doing something like this, I'd be gone in a second.The wireless Apple keyboard works like a freaking charm! It's extremely lite, a touch smaller than a regular keyboard (minus the keypad). And I love that I'm not trying to poke at the touchscreen. Totally awesome.
Managed to get in another workout today. That elliptical machine is taking some getting used to. I miss the stair machine, but I have the feeling this is what I needed to shake up my exercise routine. It's trying to get the rythmic flow and keep my knees bent. I look like a spastic zombie, but hey...I don't go to the gym to look beautiful (like that's possible...) I go to sweat!
Ok, Until tomorrow. I'll post again from the heights of Mount Olympus aka 601. Smooches my peeps.
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day 1 in Cabo
After an interesting night last night, we began our journey with me leaving behind my iPhone stand...what a Moron. Ah well, I know I need a second one, so if I see one, I'll get it.
Traveling was ok. I didn't realize how close I cut it with the landing in Phoenix(11:30) to take off to Cabo (12:05). Needless to say, we had to hustle our asses to the next gate to make it. No worries, when vacation is on the line, somehow ya make it work, right?
I've been cordial and nice all day, but I can see that my work is going to be cut out for me. This is a man that doesn't want to let go. Although I did my best to distance myself, make my own decisions, carry my own luggage, pay my way, etc., he did his best to touch me, to sit closer, to make it seem like we're "together". This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
We checked in ok, but I realized my mistake in not making sure the man picked up a "travel/access point" router, because the Linksys router he did pick up requires a laptop to set up before I can get the damned iPhone to access it. So, when I'm done blogging, I'll be going into the lobby to see if I can hijack a desktop and get the darn thing dialed in. If that's the least of my worries, than I'm doing ok.
After a great dip in the pool and a much needed shower, we walked over to "Trader Dicks" for dinner. I have to say, for $15, I got the best freaking seafood Cobb Salad I've ever eaten!!! I had to bring half of it back to the room cuz this thing was one huge mound of fresh lettuce, tomato, avocado, bacon, blue cheese, egg, huge grilled planks of halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled calamari, and I don't know what else, but effing FABULOUS!!! I have to make sure to bring my friends when they arrive, because I think they'll enjoy it!
Tomorrow is all about wrangling room 601. It's so choice because of the roof access. We've never been able to get the room, but for once, we'd really like to get it this time. First I'll exercise, get some coffee, shower and head right to the front desk.
Not sure when I'm going to broach the topic of divorce with the man, but I assure you...I will not leave paradise until we've had our little converation.
Ok Peeps, I'm off to fix the router and then headed to bed. It'll be interesting to see how the night progresses. If it's anything like last night...I won't be getting much sleep (NO, there will be no hanky panicky...and there wasn't last night either! Divorce is divorce! That part of my life is over with the man.).
Traveling was ok. I didn't realize how close I cut it with the landing in Phoenix(11:30) to take off to Cabo (12:05). Needless to say, we had to hustle our asses to the next gate to make it. No worries, when vacation is on the line, somehow ya make it work, right?
I've been cordial and nice all day, but I can see that my work is going to be cut out for me. This is a man that doesn't want to let go. Although I did my best to distance myself, make my own decisions, carry my own luggage, pay my way, etc., he did his best to touch me, to sit closer, to make it seem like we're "together". This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
We checked in ok, but I realized my mistake in not making sure the man picked up a "travel/access point" router, because the Linksys router he did pick up requires a laptop to set up before I can get the damned iPhone to access it. So, when I'm done blogging, I'll be going into the lobby to see if I can hijack a desktop and get the darn thing dialed in. If that's the least of my worries, than I'm doing ok.
After a great dip in the pool and a much needed shower, we walked over to "Trader Dicks" for dinner. I have to say, for $15, I got the best freaking seafood Cobb Salad I've ever eaten!!! I had to bring half of it back to the room cuz this thing was one huge mound of fresh lettuce, tomato, avocado, bacon, blue cheese, egg, huge grilled planks of halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled calamari, and I don't know what else, but effing FABULOUS!!! I have to make sure to bring my friends when they arrive, because I think they'll enjoy it!
Tomorrow is all about wrangling room 601. It's so choice because of the roof access. We've never been able to get the room, but for once, we'd really like to get it this time. First I'll exercise, get some coffee, shower and head right to the front desk.
Not sure when I'm going to broach the topic of divorce with the man, but I assure you...I will not leave paradise until we've had our little converation.
Ok Peeps, I'm off to fix the router and then headed to bed. It'll be interesting to see how the night progresses. If it's anything like last night...I won't be getting much sleep (NO, there will be no hanky panicky...and there wasn't last night either! Divorce is divorce! That part of my life is over with the man.).
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Night Before.....
Well, I've got my finger tips and ugly ET toes done...made beautiful by the awesome Jen...purchased the wireless keyboard (which allows me to type on my iMac and my iPhone) so I can keep up with my blogging while I'm away, and I've rearranged the suitcase. All said, Dizzy's ready to rock and roll!!!
I got to the other house early and Dad was watching television. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to him about the divorce, etc, since "The Man" wasn't here. I asked him if the man had talked to him about what was going on. He said "not at all", so I was blunt and just told him that I've asked the man for a divorce. I told him that I do still love them both, but I was unwilling to live all the issues that go into alcohol. He was actually quite gracious about the whole thing. He said that he totally understood where I was coming from and that I had to think about the future. He is worried about his son and the nature of his addiction. Anyway, it was a good conversation, and I'm glad we were able to discuss it.
Now I'm getting ready for sleep. My goal for this trip is to not loose my temper and to be clear and concise when we dialog about our future. I will not raise my voice and yell. Hey....stop laughing!!! Ok, I'll probably be laughing at myself in a week. We'll see.
Updates to come. Goodnight my friends.
I got to the other house early and Dad was watching television. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to him about the divorce, etc, since "The Man" wasn't here. I asked him if the man had talked to him about what was going on. He said "not at all", so I was blunt and just told him that I've asked the man for a divorce. I told him that I do still love them both, but I was unwilling to live all the issues that go into alcohol. He was actually quite gracious about the whole thing. He said that he totally understood where I was coming from and that I had to think about the future. He is worried about his son and the nature of his addiction. Anyway, it was a good conversation, and I'm glad we were able to discuss it.
Now I'm getting ready for sleep. My goal for this trip is to not loose my temper and to be clear and concise when we dialog about our future. I will not raise my voice and yell. Hey....stop laughing!!! Ok, I'll probably be laughing at myself in a week. We'll see.
Updates to come. Goodnight my friends.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Shhhh...the topic is Divorce...
Why is it, when I ask my divorced friends about divorce, it's suddenly a taboo topic. Are they still hurt and bleeding over it, and it's my bad for asking? I have questions and I want answers and no one seems to want to answer them. Such as:
- Will I ever be able to look at my ex as something other than the man that ripped my heart out and stuffed it in alcohol?
- Will we actually end up friends, or is this a pipe dream I've pulled out of my ass?
- Will my divorce be easy, or are we going to rip each other to shreds over the crappiest of things like, oh...I don't know...stupid knickknacks I could care less about?
- Will we survive a month on vacation together, or should I pack it in now?
- Is he expecting sex? Cuz it ain't happenin!
- Will I ever be attractive to the opposite sex?
- Is there a big huge "D" on my forehead that everyone can see?
- Will I ever get my self-worth back? Cuz a man choosing addiction over me, is pretty fucking damaging!
- Will I change in the eyes of my kid over this?
- Will I ever be held in someones arms and feel safe again?
I'm just saying...once this is all over, if someone asks me, I'm gonna tell them everything I felt so they'll be prepared. I just don't feel prepared over this. I think I'm a dreamer over what I'm expecting. I think the storm is coming and I'm just not ready for it. I call it the "Sarah Conner Syndrome". Ah, well...I'm going to bed. 2 more work days...one more prep day...and I'm off to Cabo for 30 days with the ex and friends. Pray for me. I'm worried about the stuff I can't anticipate.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Getting Gobbsmacked!
Today was not a good day. I knew there'd be shit coming down the pike, but effingA, really? We had a "retrospective" of the FSR process for a project that I'm working on. I'm the project manager, and it's my first FSR..I volunteered for it for the experience.
Well, the project gets started in late March, and the paper is due by the end of June. It's about technical crap that I know nothing about, so I rely heavily on the technical staff. Of course, the husband has his knee scoped in March, then busts the femur in 3 places April 2nd. I have to spend a week in Reno for his surgery, then have to adjust 2 weeks because he's not allowed any weight anywhere. This impacts my project paper schedule. Then Mom ends up in the hospital in May. Then the husband and I separate (cuz the jerk is driving when he isn't supposed to, and I can't babysit him as I'm the only one working, so I send him to Mommy), and Mom ends up back in the hospital in June and spends a week during which I get sideswipped in my car, and my Uncle dies. I spend 6 out of the 7 days there and am the only one with her when she draws her last breath. Then I'm funeral planning the rest of the week. I go in for 3 days and take another week off to deal with the funeral and relatives. Yes, the paper does get done, but I have no back up. So what happens today???
The second statement brought up is "The project manager is unavailable and no suitable backup". The facilitator says, in front of a room full of people, "I'd like to know the story behind this". I did not tell everyone about my personal issues. Now they're expecting me to talk about it or be rude and say that it's none of their business and put the facilitator on the spot (which I should've done). I state that although it's personal, this is what happened and give a rough overview. I'm seething. They want to know if the project sponsor is aware of all the details. I said no. My manager is aware of all the details, but it wasn't advertised on the inside net, and I didn't go into many details with everyone else. WTF!!! I manage to hold it together, but later break down when telling someone I'm thinking of avoiding Christmas and heading off to Nebraska.
Then I'm on the phone with one of the key players of the project and break down again. I've cried over my mother-in-law, but I really haven't let loose over the loss of her and my marriage, etc. I'm stretched very thin and am expecting to snap. I'm trying to hold out till vacation in October (which Sammy Hagar's website managed to shaft me on tickets to the birthday bash on the 13th), and just breathe, but it's not happening. By the time I run out of the building, I'm sobbing hysterically and continue to do so through most of the drive home. Now my "business" is out in a workplace of 6,000 people? Really? Was it really necessary for me to explain my absence, when I'm one of the most dedicated idiots around? Effing A, my whole month off in October is furlough hours. It's costing the state a mint of money, since I'm not using vacation. REALLY???
I'm sorry fellow readers that I'm so full of hostility, anger and hurt right now. I'm ranting, but this isn't really the kind of rants I want to do. But I am letting it out here, so please bear with me. Why am I not enough? Why does my husband finally push me over the edge? We were supposed to be married forever! I'm supposed to be more important than alcohol! But I am not enough. I gave him everything I had, and now I'm empty and I'm afraid that I wont have anything left to give anyone else. I put off marriage until 30 so I could make an informed decision. I gave up having children for him (alcohol killed the sperm)! And while the intelligent side of me know that half of this is my fault, I can't help but resent the shit out of him for the other half. I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed, although sleep will elude me yet again, as it has since March 20th.
Who would want this wreak, this shell of a person?
Well, the project gets started in late March, and the paper is due by the end of June. It's about technical crap that I know nothing about, so I rely heavily on the technical staff. Of course, the husband has his knee scoped in March, then busts the femur in 3 places April 2nd. I have to spend a week in Reno for his surgery, then have to adjust 2 weeks because he's not allowed any weight anywhere. This impacts my project paper schedule. Then Mom ends up in the hospital in May. Then the husband and I separate (cuz the jerk is driving when he isn't supposed to, and I can't babysit him as I'm the only one working, so I send him to Mommy), and Mom ends up back in the hospital in June and spends a week during which I get sideswipped in my car, and my Uncle dies. I spend 6 out of the 7 days there and am the only one with her when she draws her last breath. Then I'm funeral planning the rest of the week. I go in for 3 days and take another week off to deal with the funeral and relatives. Yes, the paper does get done, but I have no back up. So what happens today???
The second statement brought up is "The project manager is unavailable and no suitable backup". The facilitator says, in front of a room full of people, "I'd like to know the story behind this". I did not tell everyone about my personal issues. Now they're expecting me to talk about it or be rude and say that it's none of their business and put the facilitator on the spot (which I should've done). I state that although it's personal, this is what happened and give a rough overview. I'm seething. They want to know if the project sponsor is aware of all the details. I said no. My manager is aware of all the details, but it wasn't advertised on the inside net, and I didn't go into many details with everyone else. WTF!!! I manage to hold it together, but later break down when telling someone I'm thinking of avoiding Christmas and heading off to Nebraska.
Then I'm on the phone with one of the key players of the project and break down again. I've cried over my mother-in-law, but I really haven't let loose over the loss of her and my marriage, etc. I'm stretched very thin and am expecting to snap. I'm trying to hold out till vacation in October (which Sammy Hagar's website managed to shaft me on tickets to the birthday bash on the 13th), and just breathe, but it's not happening. By the time I run out of the building, I'm sobbing hysterically and continue to do so through most of the drive home. Now my "business" is out in a workplace of 6,000 people? Really? Was it really necessary for me to explain my absence, when I'm one of the most dedicated idiots around? Effing A, my whole month off in October is furlough hours. It's costing the state a mint of money, since I'm not using vacation. REALLY???
I'm sorry fellow readers that I'm so full of hostility, anger and hurt right now. I'm ranting, but this isn't really the kind of rants I want to do. But I am letting it out here, so please bear with me. Why am I not enough? Why does my husband finally push me over the edge? We were supposed to be married forever! I'm supposed to be more important than alcohol! But I am not enough. I gave him everything I had, and now I'm empty and I'm afraid that I wont have anything left to give anyone else. I put off marriage until 30 so I could make an informed decision. I gave up having children for him (alcohol killed the sperm)! And while the intelligent side of me know that half of this is my fault, I can't help but resent the shit out of him for the other half. I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed, although sleep will elude me yet again, as it has since March 20th.
Who would want this wreak, this shell of a person?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Where Am I?
Good Lord, I don't know where I'm at. I have good days and bad days. Tonight is a bad night. I'm filled with doubts and misgivings. I've made my decisions and I'm headed for divorce, but the road sucks.
I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man. He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking. I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge. He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable. In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable. Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to believe he'd change for a family. I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now? I also ask him why? Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't? Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.
That's what scares me so. Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices. I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult year. I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband. How much more can I really take?
Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't. They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really? So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.
No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it. Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?
I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back. Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again? I don't know.
I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can. But what is the cost?
I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.
I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man. He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking. I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge. He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable. In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable. Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to believe he'd change for a family. I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now? I also ask him why? Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't? Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.
That's what scares me so. Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices. I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult year. I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband. How much more can I really take?
Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't. They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really? So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.
No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it. Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?
I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back. Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again? I don't know.
I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can. But what is the cost?
I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.
Where Am I?
Good Lord, I don't know where I'm at. I have good days and bad days. Tonight is a bad night. I'm filled with doubts and misgivings. I've made my decisions and I'm headed for divorce, but the road sucks.
I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man. He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking. I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge. He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable. In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable. Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to believe he'd change for a family. I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now? I also ask him why? Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't? Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.
That's what scares me so. Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices. I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult year. I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband. How much more can I really take?
Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't. They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really? So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.
No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it. Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?
I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back. Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again? I don't know.
I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can. But what is the cost?
I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.
I bitch and moan, but basically my husband is a good man. He has only two faults (I wish mine were limited to two), procrastination and drinking. I can live with the procrastination, but the drinking has taken me over the edge. He's not a mean drunk, he waxes philosophical. But the decisions he makes while drinking leaves me vulnerable. In our discussions, he want's to blame himself, but if I am honest, it's half my fault.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. He felt comfortable. Plus, I was stupid...after all the meetings I've attended, i.e. adult children of Alcoholics, etc. I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to believe he'd change for a family. I wanted to believe I could change him...my love could change him. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. When we talk he says that he could change for me. I remind him that he hasn't in the past so why now? I also ask him why? Why should you, when you never pretended to be anything that you weren't? Why shouldn't someone love you for who you are...faults and all.
That's what scares me so. Will someone love me for who I am, faults and all? I know my "soon to be ex-husband" loves me. Will someone love me in the future, or will I be alone due to my choices. I'm really trying to hold on till vacation cuz it's been such a difficult year. I lost a mentor, a family friend, my MIL, who loves me better than my mother does, now a husband. How much more can I really take?
Everyone always asks me..."How's Norman (the husband)?" How's Ken (the FIL)?" No one asks about me (well, Nola and my fellow bloggers do), but the people that surround me don't. They know I'm the strong one, that I make the decisions, that I'm the "go-to-girl" but how much longer can I be that before I snap? How strong am I really? So, nights like these, the doubts creep in, and I no longer believe I'm Super Woman. I curl up in the fetal position under a blanket, drink tequila and tell myself that I'll feel differently in the morning. That I'll wake up and do what I have to do, do my job, take care of the house, smile and pretend that everything is ok.
No one thinks that I'm mourning for my MIL. That I walk into her knitting room and my breath is taken away by all the projects that are not completed by her. That I lift a beautiful pink and white jacket that she knitted and hold it close and wish that she was still here. My fingers trace the outline of the unfinished threads in blankets that will never keep my soul warm. My hands pick up the jewelry that she left behind and wonder what to do with it. Do I wear it in her honor? Who can I give it to that will appreciate it? Do I let the sunlight never hit it, hidden away in jewelry boxes that don't tell the opener of her life, her accomplishments or the thoughts she was thinking when she put them in there?
I'm restricting my drinking to the weekends, but I worry that something won't be enough. I'm worried that I'm going to let some detail important to my projects at work slip, I'm worried that someone will say something at work that will set me off, and I'll let all the pent up rage, frustration, guilt and whatever else is there fly out in a violent stream of four-letter words that I can't take back. Can I hold on till October 1st? Can I click my heels together 3 times and suddenly be on vacation? Will I be ok? Will I be loved and will I love again? I don't know.
I do know that I'm a survivor. That I've survived a lot of really shitty things in my life and that I'll survive this. That others have survived worse than I have, and if they can do it, I can. But what is the cost?
I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll suck it up and get off my pity-pot. Tonight...well, we'll see.
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