Cabo - Just some thoughts

As I wait for Rog and Kel to arrive, my head continuously churns with the thoughts of divorce, dating, etc.

When is a good time to start dating? Not that I'm really thinking about it, but I have received a few offers and a proposal (not marriage) that I'm seriously considering. At what point does this all begin? After the ink is dry on my divorce papers? Since we're separated now, and have been since the beginning of May, is 6 months a good time to start dipping my toes in?

While these are all interesting questions, I think I'm more paralyzed over the thought of sex. What will it be like with someone else? Is my body good enough? Have BJ techniques changed? Are there new techniques I should know about? Remember that line in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks is having lunch with his buddy? His buddy says "Tiaramisu" and Tom asks what it is? His buddy Rob Reiner says "You'll find out", and Tom replies "You won't tell me what it is? What if some girl wants me to do it to her?" I feel kinda like that.

You're used to a person for 24 years and suddenly the game changes and you don't have any idea what the next person is like, or what they want done to them, etc. I admit, I haven't had sex in a while, which is probably why it's on my mind so much.

What about small talk? Jeez, I haven't done small talk in so long. What line do I start out with? God help me if conversation turns political because I'm conservative, and that in itself will start some fights and heated arguements. Who's gonna want sex with me after I've verbally lashed them about America headed down the toilet unless Americans pull their heads out of their asses. What a cock-blocker!

Ok, enough swooning over the directness of my blog today. Nothing a couple of shots of good tequila and vegging on the beach won't cure, right?

I can tell this is gonna be a long trip....

Funny how all the old stuff rears it's ugly head when you're at odds with someone. It's no different in Cabo, believe me. We finally took possession of the room after 4 p.m. yesterday, and it was well worth the wait. Lovely views, sweet rooftop party place, we're happy.

The plan was to get our stuff moved in, get our shit together and go shopping. Mr. Procrastinator of course had the plans. He takes forever to do the simplest things. I'm waiting and waiting to leave. We finally do. I have to admit that while grocery shopping, it was also my fault that it took so long, but the stuff I purchased was relatively simple stuff. He's the one with the two cases of beer and stuff. We ended up splitting the bill (actually, I spent more) but something about contributing to the very thing thats ending our marriage rubs me raw. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm being a bit hypocritical since I haven't stopped drinking myself...I love tequila and can handle it. There was a time in our relationship that I stopped drinking for 4 years in hopes that he'd either quit or lighten the eff up, but it didn't work, so I resumed. Alcohol has never been my addiction...food is my addiction. Anyway, since I still drink and purchase alcohol for myself, does it make me hypocritical to purchase it for him, i.e. splitting the bill? I don't know, but it made me irritable. After that, everything bugged me.

We ended up getting rib eyes to bbq and I was cranky from lack of food in my stomach. I reminded him to check the steaks and suggested he take them off. He didn't and they were overcooked. I effing hate overcooked rib eyes. Next time, I'm going to insist on cooking my own...he'll act all hurt and everything, but he has a habit of walking away from the grill and getting caught up in something else.

God, I'm such an effing bitch. I think this whole relationship has poisoned me. I've got to change, or I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

Ok, I'm going back to enjoying Cabo. Tomorrow, our friends arrive and I'm looking forward to a break in the tension.

Cabo - Day 4....Early to bed?

Yesterday was a pretty lite day as far as activities and stuff was concerned. I managed to start and finish a book...naughty, but I haven't sat down to read a book in more than a year. Heartbreaking, I know. I used to go through books like water. What the hell happened? Life gets in the way I guess.

Got through the exercising ok and pretty much laid back. Around 4, I got a hankering for chips, salsa, and guacamole with some kind of tequila drink, so we headed down to the sports bar for their two-fer. While munching away, we met a guy from Auburn, California and talked about the history of Auburn, etc. Pretty interesting. We also met people from Oregon (the man's neck of the woods) and chatted up about that. Small world.

Afterward, we headed to the beach and did a beach walk. So beautiful! The man managed to torque his knee, yet again and is limping today. Hope he didn't do too much damage. After a corona and lime on the deck, I pretty much headed to bed at 9 p.m. Jeez...what happened to the party animal that used to be up all night, whooping and hollering? Ah well. Up early again and got my exercise in. Now we've checked out of 521 and are waiting for the pinnicle of rooms 601 to be cleaned so we can move in. I do not want to move again. This is our third move, but the last and it will be well worth it. Alma, the Assistant Manager is the BOMB!!!

What to rant about in Cabo? Hmmm, it's difficult to come up with something, but I'm still pissed off about Sammy Hagar's computer system failure cheating me out of birthday bash tickets for the 13th. Guess I'll be standing in line for the dinner tickets, and their $100 a pop. Ah well. No matter what, I'm just happy to be away from almost everything. Still playing out my future in my mind, but at least there's a direction...an it's Citrus Heights.

Until tomorrow my friends. Tequila and a snooze on the beach beckons....

Cabo - Day Two and Three

Yesterday we moved from the one bedroom to a three bedroom penthouse. Nice digs, we've stayed in it before. This time, however, I was able to wrangle the penthouse of penthouses...Unfortunately, we can't move in until tomorrow, but I'm tickled pink about it. I've tried to get into this one for 12 years, and finally...601 changes from dream to reality.

Last night, the man and I had a good talk about the future. He's decided that he wants the Forethill house, which means that I'll be moving to Citrus Heights. Am I upset about it? No. It's a prime piece of property and with a little work and money, it'll be a good home. I'll tear down the house that's on it, cuz Mom's aways hated it and put something else there. Also need to look into Granny quarters for Dad. Yes, I do see some issues in the future, but hopefully we can work those out. There's still the issue of why we're divorcing, and I somehow think that issue isn't going away anytime soon. This means that me, my job, etc will continue to be the scapegoat for awhile. Ah well.

Still haven't figured out the router issue, and it looks like I'l have to do my hijack option.

Don't hate me Bitches, but I'm sitting on a lounge chair, facing the ocean and typing this blog under a palapa. Can it get any better? If I could figure out a way to make a living doing something like this, I'd be gone in a second.The wireless Apple keyboard works like a freaking charm! It's extremely lite, a touch smaller than a regular keyboard (minus the keypad). And I love that I'm not trying to poke at the touchscreen. Totally awesome.

Managed to get in another workout today. That elliptical machine is taking some getting used to. I miss the stair machine, but I have the feeling this is what I needed to shake up my exercise routine. It's trying to get the rythmic flow and keep my knees bent. I look like a spastic zombie, but hey...I don't go to the gym to look beautiful (like that's possible...) I go to sweat!

Ok, Until tomorrow. I'll post again from the heights of Mount Olympus aka 601. Smooches my peeps.

Day 1 in Cabo

After an interesting night last night, we began our journey with me leaving behind my iPhone stand...what a Moron. Ah well, I know I need a second one, so if I see one, I'll get it.

Traveling was ok. I didn't realize how close I cut it with the landing in Phoenix(11:30) to take off to Cabo (12:05). Needless to say, we had to hustle our asses to the next gate to make it. No worries, when vacation is on the line, somehow ya make it work, right?

I've been cordial and nice all day, but I can see that my work is going to be cut out for me. This is a man that doesn't want to let go. Although I did my best to distance myself, make my own decisions, carry my own luggage, pay my way, etc., he did his best to touch me, to sit closer, to make it seem like we're "together". This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

We checked in ok, but I realized my mistake in not making sure the man picked up a "travel/access point" router, because the Linksys router he did pick up requires a laptop to set up before I can get the damned iPhone to access it. So, when I'm done blogging, I'll be going into the lobby to see if I can hijack a desktop and get the darn thing dialed in. If that's the least of my worries, than I'm doing ok.

After a great dip in the pool and a much needed shower, we walked over to "Trader Dicks" for dinner. I have to say, for $15, I got the best freaking seafood Cobb Salad I've ever eaten!!! I had to bring half of it back to the room cuz this thing was one huge mound of fresh lettuce, tomato, avocado, bacon, blue cheese, egg, huge grilled planks of halibut, grilled shrimp, grilled calamari, and I don't know what else, but effing FABULOUS!!! I have to make sure to bring my friends when they arrive, because I think they'll enjoy it!

Tomorrow is all about wrangling room 601. It's so choice because of the roof access. We've never been able to get the room, but for once, we'd really like to get it this time. First I'll exercise, get some coffee, shower and head right to the front desk.

Not sure when I'm going to broach the topic of divorce with the man, but I assure you...I will not leave paradise until we've had our little converation.

Ok Peeps, I'm off to fix the router and then headed to bed. It'll be interesting to see how the night progresses. If it's anything like last night...I won't be getting much sleep (NO, there will be no hanky panicky...and there wasn't last night either! Divorce is divorce! That part of my life is over with the man.).

The Night Before.....

Well, I've got my finger tips and ugly ET toes done...made beautiful by the awesome Jen...purchased the wireless keyboard (which allows me to type on my iMac and my iPhone) so I can keep up with my blogging while I'm away, and I've rearranged the suitcase. All said, Dizzy's ready to rock and roll!!!

I got to the other house early and Dad was watching television. I figured this was a good opportunity to talk to him about the divorce, etc, since "The Man" wasn't here. I asked him if the man had talked to him about what was going on. He said "not at all", so I was blunt and just told him that I've asked the man for a divorce. I told him that I do still love them both, but I was unwilling to live all the issues that go into alcohol. He was actually quite gracious about the whole thing. He said that he totally understood where I was coming from and that I had to think about the future. He is worried about his son and the nature of his addiction. Anyway, it was a good conversation, and I'm glad we were able to discuss it.

Now I'm getting ready for sleep. My goal for this trip is to not loose my temper and to be clear and concise when we dialog about our future. I will not raise my voice and yell. Hey....stop laughing!!! Ok, I'll probably be laughing at myself in a week. We'll see.

Updates to come. Goodnight my friends.

Shhhh...the topic is Divorce...

Why is it, when I ask my divorced friends about divorce, it's suddenly a taboo topic. Are they still hurt and bleeding over it, and it's my bad for asking?  I have questions and I want answers and no one seems to want to answer them.  Such as:

1. Will I ever be able to look at my ex as something other than the man that ripped my heart out and stuffed it in alcohol?
2. Will we actually end up friends, or is this a pipe dream I've pulled out of my ass?
3. Will my divorce be easy, or are we going to rip each other to shreds over the crappiest of things like, oh...I don't know...stupid knickknacks I could care less about?
4. Will we survive a month on vacation together, or should I pack it in now?
5. Is he expecting sex?  Cuz it ain't happenin!
6. Will I ever be attractive to the opposite sex?
7. Is there a big huge "D" on my forehead that everyone can see?
8. Will I ever get my self-worth back?  Cuz a man choosing addiction over me, is pretty fucking damaging!
9. Will I change in the eyes of my kid over this?
10. Will I ever be held in someones arms and feel safe again?

I'm just saying...once this is all over, if someone asks me, I'm gonna tell them everything I felt so they'll be prepared.  I just don't feel prepared over this. I think I'm a dreamer over what I'm expecting.  I think the storm is coming and I'm just not ready for it.  I call it the "Sarah Conner Syndrome". Ah, well...I'm going to bed.  2  more work days...one more prep day...and I'm off to Cabo for 30 days with the ex and friends.  Pray for me.  I'm worried about the stuff I can't anticipate.