Better Day/s

Yesterday (Sunday) was an ok day. But after being effed over by the man's mind games, I was pissed off and it put me in a bad mood that was tough to extricate myself from. I have the greatest friends that put up with my shit, and I'm most appreciative. I pretty much avoid talking to the man now and try to avoid being alone with him unless we're sleeping.

Too bad it has to be this way, but lesson learned...we won't be vacationing together for a long time. If he thinks he'll get away with the same games with the other group, he's got another thing coming.

Today was a better day and we (the ladies) had fun lazing in the sun, drinking our Cabo punch and watching people by the pool. I pulled a muscle in my back though...don't think it was during the workout, I think it was after, but it's been steadily getting worse. I guess that means no more sex. Oh, wait, I'm not getting any sex, so no big loss. We did, however, discover the best Key Lime Pie West of the US border. OMG, it was good. I'm so glad I didn't have it when I first got here, or I'd be eating the damned thing every day and working out two hours a day to undo the damage. This stuff is "lick it off the 8 pack abs of LL Cool J, or Gerard Butler (during The 300 role) good!

I have to remember that it isn't the big things in life necessarily that make you happy. Sometimes it's Key Lime Pie.

Tomorrow, Rog and Kel leave to journey back home. I sure hope they had a good time, other than the effing drama that seems to surround me and the man. I really didn't want to ruin it for them, and I hope I didn't. I owe them so much. It comforting to have friends like them. They're a warm, fluffy blanket that you dig down into and close your eyes to escape the world. Did I tell you they bought me the most beautiful ring? It's a sliver band that is done in an link style. Gorgeous! They are so crazy, but I absolutely love it.

Anyway, me and my sore back are going to get some shuteye. I may actually slack off on working out tomorrow, if it still feels as bad. Gee...another day lazing in the warm Cabo sunshine. Thank you Lord.

More trouble in Paradise

So yesterday started off like any other day in Cabo (Geez, I sound like a jaded bitch) and we had fun at the pool. Tina, Norm and I did some sunbathing and Rog and Kel went and had fun in the Jeep looking at cool properties in Los Cabos. Since we only had the Jeep for one more day, we decided to go back to Cabo San Lucas and hit Mangoes and the Office to see how things were and grab some appetizers. Afterward, we hit couple of other places and drove home.

We decided to take the party up to the bar at the top of the road from the resort, and they were playing some great music. I danced (Hello, it was ACDC with Bonn Scott, how could I not), then sat down. The soon-to-be-ex was acting all possessive, blocking me into a corner so everyone would know I was with him, calling me "Babe", etc (Remember what Pam Anderson did to men that called her "Babe" in her movie Barb Wire???). Any way, he leans over and asked me if it's too late to ask for dance. I'm thinking to myself, which I basically blurt out to him, Hell yes it's too late, you've lost all privilidges, which includes asking me to dance, touching me, calling me babe, etc. It's OVER! He says that we need to talk tomorrow, and I say, why put off what can be done right now? I throw money down on the table to cover my drink (ok, enough to cover everyone's) and head out the door. He joins me and we end up on the beach.

He basically says I'm giving him mixed messages, because I said that I would dance with him but he lost his chance. I told him that he was confusing the message. My stance hasn't changed. He lost his chance to dance with me when he broke his promise (due to drinking), busted his femur and ended the marriage. Where is the mixed message? Basically it's the same fight we've been having, all re-hashed. i'm not willing to go there. He chose his addiction over me, and I finally have enough self-worth to say I'm done. I have to believe that there is man out there that will want me for me and choose me over crap like alcohol or any other addiction. I'm worth that, and fuck you if you don't think I am.

I find it hard to believe that he's going to stick out the entire 4 weeks togther. Even after I told him it was a mistake on my part to think we could get along. I'll give him this...he's a glutton for punishment.

Don't get me wrong. This is my blog, and here is where I get to vent about his bullshit. He's basically a good man...faithful, kind-hearted, just a true-blue kind of guy. I can't live with his addiction because he allows it to interfere with our lives. He make shitty decisions that are influenced by alcohol and doesn't think about the future. I'm tired of living in a precarious position....wondering if we'll be able to retire and travel, wondering if he'll live and not drink his liver away, wondering if there will be any inheritance left for our kid. It's a shitty way to live, and for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you know what it's like to not sleep at night and feel insecure about everything. It's bad enough that I don't have strong arms to wrap around me, but now I have to feel insecure about the future? About retirement? About our home? I don't think so.

Now he's trying to play games on this trip and try to alienate me. He thinks if I'm left out of things that I'll sit around the Condo and pout. Sorry...he, of all people, should know that Dizzy doesn't sit around pouting for long. She get' down to getting busy, and you may not like the activity she finds to keep her occupied.

Ok...poison leeched and out of the system. Time for bed.

P.S. Got to connect with an old friend today, who re-located to Vegas. Looks like he's doing well and networking successfully for his career. Please keep good thoughts and prayers in mind for him as he continues on this journey. He's got the talent to make it.

October 14th in Cabo

Yesterday, my friend Teensy arrived to spend a week with all of us here in Cabo. Too Fun! We all headed down to Cabo San Lucas and parked the jeep and did a trek to Cabo Wabo to pick up the Sammy Hagar Birthday Bash bracelets for Rog and Kel. Then we went shopping for these skirts we wanted so badly. Unfortunately, after hunting around for an hour, we still couldnt locate the damned things, we gave up and went hunting for dinner.

That took some serious hiking. Up and down the roads, hot, dusty, etc. We were looking for this restaurant called Mi Casa. By the time we found it, all of us were pretty cranky and hot. But this place did not disappoint! They brought us huge margaritas (which makes everything seem alright) and we got down to the business of figuring out what to eat. I settled on the Ribs which were marinated in this chocolate, spicy mole sauce and cilantro mashed potatoes, black beans and these tortilla's, hand made by this woman working in the back. They were the bomb!

If you know me, you know that food is a sensual experience...something akin to sex. The way it tastes on the tongue, the way the right beverage will compliment the food. The flavors that bring a sensory experience to the eyes, nose, mouth and brain. And I don't know about the rest of you, but I always think about the ways I could eat whatever it is...off of the right body. Thereby bringing food and sex together in one great big explosion of....well, you know.

After that wonderful meal, we broke up the group and part of us headed down to the port for a nice cool drink. I ended up having a mango/chile margarita, that was a frozen delight! The perfect way to conclude an evening. We got a cab home, soaked in the jacuzzi for an hour and headed to bed.

One wishes every day could be like this, but hard times are ahead, which is why we vacation...right? To build up the mental fortitude we need to get us through them. So I'm going to enjoy this vacation as much as possible. Until later my friends.

Hola My Friends!!!

Sorry it's took so long for me to write...even now,I have a few shots of tequila in my veins and my writing may not be the greatest. I suffered a setback with the man getting so toasted that he fell into a hedge full of stickers and suffered damage to his legs and one side of his body. I was so pissed that I had to suffer yet another vacation with his bullshit, that I ended up ripping him a new asshole the next night. No, it wasn't pretty, and yes, I broke my vow not to yell.

Needless to say, it re-affirmed my reasons for the divorce and I'm not backing out of it. It took me a while to shake it off and I didn't blog much during that time (it happened last Thursday night, and I ripped him one on Friday night....and now it's Tuesday night). I'm feeling better and more confident. I think I already mentioned the Army Ranger guy kissing me in the pool, which make me realize that life will go on with out the man, and that I may be slightly more attractive than I thought, so there's hope for me yet. I hate to say this, but the blog may turn into something along the lines of "Divorce Girl Makes Good" or something.

Not only that, Kelly (who's always been one of the thinest chicks I know, handed me her brown bikini and I fit in it. However, the twins need lifting, so I wasn't completely comfortable. The twins have been "D's" since I was sixteen and well, let's just say that they don't point to the sky, like I'd like them to. She also brought this tiedye black dress that she gave me to wear, and her husband said I "totally rocked it".

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, I've had doubts that I could make it on my own...that I'd be attractive enough for the opposite sex. I pretty much figured that ending the marriage would mean that I'd be alone, and I needed to face that and deal with it. However, it may be that I was wrong. Maybe, it's my own doubts and fears that I have to overcome and there may be someone out there that will appreciate my weirdness and quirks. They may be able to put up with my outspokenness and independence. What an effing concept!

As bad as this may sound, I'm happy that all of this went down and the man can see what he's giving up. While he really doesn't see it that way right now, someday...I'm hoping he'll say..."She was mine, she wanted me, I was her man...and I choose alcohol over her. What kind of idiot am I?" Will he? Maybe not, but I'm ok with that because I'm finally realizing my own self worth. And maybe, that's enough.

Good night from Cabo my friends!

Cabo - Just some thoughts

As I wait for Rog and Kel to arrive, my head continuously churns with the thoughts of divorce, dating, etc.

When is a good time to start dating? Not that I'm really thinking about it, but I have received a few offers and a proposal (not marriage) that I'm seriously considering. At what point does this all begin? After the ink is dry on my divorce papers? Since we're separated now, and have been since the beginning of May, is 6 months a good time to start dipping my toes in?

While these are all interesting questions, I think I'm more paralyzed over the thought of sex. What will it be like with someone else? Is my body good enough? Have BJ techniques changed? Are there new techniques I should know about? Remember that line in "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks is having lunch with his buddy? His buddy says "Tiaramisu" and Tom asks what it is? His buddy Rob Reiner says "You'll find out", and Tom replies "You won't tell me what it is? What if some girl wants me to do it to her?" I feel kinda like that.

You're used to a person for 24 years and suddenly the game changes and you don't have any idea what the next person is like, or what they want done to them, etc. I admit, I haven't had sex in a while, which is probably why it's on my mind so much.

What about small talk? Jeez, I haven't done small talk in so long. What line do I start out with? God help me if conversation turns political because I'm conservative, and that in itself will start some fights and heated arguements. Who's gonna want sex with me after I've verbally lashed them about America headed down the toilet unless Americans pull their heads out of their asses. What a cock-blocker!

Ok, enough swooning over the directness of my blog today. Nothing a couple of shots of good tequila and vegging on the beach won't cure, right?

I can tell this is gonna be a long trip....

Funny how all the old stuff rears it's ugly head when you're at odds with someone. It's no different in Cabo, believe me. We finally took possession of the room after 4 p.m. yesterday, and it was well worth the wait. Lovely views, sweet rooftop party place, we're happy.

The plan was to get our stuff moved in, get our shit together and go shopping. Mr. Procrastinator of course had the plans. He takes forever to do the simplest things. I'm waiting and waiting to leave. We finally do. I have to admit that while grocery shopping, it was also my fault that it took so long, but the stuff I purchased was relatively simple stuff. He's the one with the two cases of beer and stuff. We ended up splitting the bill (actually, I spent more) but something about contributing to the very thing thats ending our marriage rubs me raw. Know what I mean?

I guess I'm being a bit hypocritical since I haven't stopped drinking myself...I love tequila and can handle it. There was a time in our relationship that I stopped drinking for 4 years in hopes that he'd either quit or lighten the eff up, but it didn't work, so I resumed. Alcohol has never been my addiction...food is my addiction. Anyway, since I still drink and purchase alcohol for myself, does it make me hypocritical to purchase it for him, i.e. splitting the bill? I don't know, but it made me irritable. After that, everything bugged me.

We ended up getting rib eyes to bbq and I was cranky from lack of food in my stomach. I reminded him to check the steaks and suggested he take them off. He didn't and they were overcooked. I effing hate overcooked rib eyes. Next time, I'm going to insist on cooking my own...he'll act all hurt and everything, but he has a habit of walking away from the grill and getting caught up in something else.

God, I'm such an effing bitch. I think this whole relationship has poisoned me. I've got to change, or I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

Ok, I'm going back to enjoying Cabo. Tomorrow, our friends arrive and I'm looking forward to a break in the tension.

Cabo - Day 4....Early to bed?

Yesterday was a pretty lite day as far as activities and stuff was concerned. I managed to start and finish a book...naughty, but I haven't sat down to read a book in more than a year. Heartbreaking, I know. I used to go through books like water. What the hell happened? Life gets in the way I guess.

Got through the exercising ok and pretty much laid back. Around 4, I got a hankering for chips, salsa, and guacamole with some kind of tequila drink, so we headed down to the sports bar for their two-fer. While munching away, we met a guy from Auburn, California and talked about the history of Auburn, etc. Pretty interesting. We also met people from Oregon (the man's neck of the woods) and chatted up about that. Small world.

Afterward, we headed to the beach and did a beach walk. So beautiful! The man managed to torque his knee, yet again and is limping today. Hope he didn't do too much damage. After a corona and lime on the deck, I pretty much headed to bed at 9 p.m. Jeez...what happened to the party animal that used to be up all night, whooping and hollering? Ah well. Up early again and got my exercise in. Now we've checked out of 521 and are waiting for the pinnicle of rooms 601 to be cleaned so we can move in. I do not want to move again. This is our third move, but the last and it will be well worth it. Alma, the Assistant Manager is the BOMB!!!

What to rant about in Cabo? Hmmm, it's difficult to come up with something, but I'm still pissed off about Sammy Hagar's computer system failure cheating me out of birthday bash tickets for the 13th. Guess I'll be standing in line for the dinner tickets, and their $100 a pop. Ah well. No matter what, I'm just happy to be away from almost everything. Still playing out my future in my mind, but at least there's a direction...an it's Citrus Heights.

Until tomorrow my friends. Tequila and a snooze on the beach beckons....