The Dreaded "Diet" word!

I've been on this "weight loss" journey since I was nine years old. My Mother, who had always been skinny, gave up cigarettes for God when I was about 5. She gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy with my sister and after her birth made it her mission to lose weight. Of course, she couldn't do it alone so I had to diet with her...thus started my rollercoaster ride with diet and food.

I still remember the dreaded Cottage Cheese and Hamburger diet...that's all we ate. To this day, I can't eat the two of them together. During my teen years, I wasn't really fat, but thought I was. That carried into my twenties. I was always dieting, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Atkins, Susanne Summers, Southbeach,...The rollercoaster became more dramatic, up-down. God, I swear, I've lost somewhere in the neighborhood of over 500 lbs over the years. Lose 25, gain 30...lose 30, gain 45...lose 30 gain 60..it never stops. One day, going through some old pictures my husband had taken (we were friends for awhile before we hooked up), I came across a picture of me in a black one piece bathing suit, standing in Gurlie Creek. OMG...I was not FAT! I actually looked damned good! I ran screaming to the man, with the picture clutched in my hand..."Look, Look, I'm not Fat!" He started laughing and said "No, what made you think you were?" "I've always been fat! Ever since I was little".

I went back to look at old pictures, and no, I wasn't fat. There were times when I was a little chubby, but nothing major. Not like what's been in my head for years. And now I am fat and I let the thin me go, without ever realizing I had her. My self-loathing never let me see what was actually in front of my face.

So I started back on the journey last August, but let myself be waylaid by the holidays and the family crap that goes with it. I ate a lot this past Christmas. I was upset and I let it get the best of me, reaching my all-time weight high in January. I got back on the routine and have since lost 25 lbs. Along with that comes trying to accept me for me. I read an interesting blog, where one person said that they run their hands over their stomach every morning to feel the changes, and I started to laugh. Someone does the same thing I do!

I don't "diet" anymore. I'm changing eating habits. The funny thing is, I actually eat quite healthy. My husband is always looking at labels, and 90% of the stuff in our home is good stuff. I just like too much of a good thing. When the man cooks a superb prime rib and gives you this 1 1/2 inch slab on your plate, it's hard to stop. The funny thing is lately...I have been. I've been researching my weightloss options and thinking about what's out there. My fear is that I will work so hard to take it off and rollercoaster back up. I've thought of Gastric bypass but that's a little too dramatic for me. I've also looked at the Lap band and read a lot of the blogs out there. At first, I thought I was "cheating" if I took that option, but I'm working so hard to take it off. That does not change with the band. I still have to work at it.

Anyway, just sharing thoughts, purging the soul (no, never been a binge and purge person...did binge in my 20's but that was it...kept it in). This is part of the process for me. Have to rid myself of the crap. But let's leave this on a great note. I did my walk today and it was GREAT! I'm getting faster and faster up the hills...still a struggle, but getting better. One day, I will run up those hills and they won't stop me.