Tahoe Baby

So I'm up in Tahoe celebrating my bro-from-another-mo's birthday. R turned 50 today and we celebrated by taking the boat across the lake and having Wet Woody's at Gar Woods on the North Shore.  The water was pretty rocky, but we don't let stuff like that stop us.   We went across the lake like a boss!

Afterward, we stayed pretty close to the shoreline and headed back.  We pulled up to a pier, tied off and had some lunch lakeside.  It was awesome. We checked out Ellison's crib (one of 3) and a few others.  I absolutely loved being out on the lake.  The weather, sunshine, smell of pine, the crystal clear water, good friends...what more could you want?

Yeah, I still have things going through my head and I still have challenges. But all in all, it's been a great week so far.

"My drunk ass will help you later! Put that in your drunk book Bitches."

Had a sweet time with my Girlies watching Osage County (the movie with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts).  We cooked southern food, drank whiskey, wine, port, etc. and swam in the pool.

I gotta say...that movie was fucked up, but it's kinda like life slapping you in the face. There's a scene at the end where Julia had driven away angry and she pulls the truck over and gets out.  She looks over the vast prairie and the wheels are turning in her head...and I knew exactly what that moment meant.  I've been there and lived it.

Life will pile on the shit, and you reach a point where you just don't think you can take one more thing.  Actually, that one more thing was piled on and you have to make a decision....do you give up, chuck it all and walk away, or do you figure out a way to fight. You are literally standing on the edge of a blade and it'll go either way. And that's the moment.  It separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. You either make life your bitch, or it makes you.

I'm happy to say that so far, I've made it mine, but it's a give and take. I've had to make some hard decisions this past week, decisions on love, finance, life, and it hasn't been easy. As Van Halen would say "Dream another dream...this dream is over".  It's not my first time and it won't be my last, but transition is always hard.

In the meantime, there are many things to be thankful for, and I am.  I'm headed to Tahoe to have some fun in the sun, celebrate by bro-from-anutha-mo's 50th birthday, and just chill.  Who's with me???

P.S.  The quote for the tagline came from the husband of one of my Girlies tonight.  When he said it, I knew I had to use it.  It's fucking awesome!

One of those Nights

I'm sitting on my patio.  The sun is going down, and the evening is STUNNING! The temp is a cool 76 degrees...perfect!  I've got the patio fan going, a glass of wine by my side, I've worked out, talked with my cousin and now.....

I'm sitting here thinking..."I can do this life".  Yeah, it's not perfect.  I don't have a man sitting here beside me enjoying the same evening, but that may come some day.  Do I NEED a man? NO.  Would I like a man? Sure.  Good things come to those who wait.

But I made this yard look pretty.  I helped (along with some cool assed friends) make this home mine, and I am so fucking lucky! All the windows and doors are open in the home, letting the fresh air in...."Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world".  My arms are outstretched to the future.  I am optimistic, euphoric, giddy...

And, although my mood may crash tomorrow, ultimately, I'm golden.  I'm ahead of the curve when I look at my Mother, Sister and many women of my family.  I can work hard, and get callouses on my hands, I can do things, I can make things happen. WOW!

When I was a child, living in an abusive household, I never dreamed this moment could happen.  I tried suicide a couple of times before the age of 14.  I wasn't successful, so I guess I really wanted to live, but the feeling of despair, hopelessness was overwhelming.  I felt it again when my marriage started to dissolve. But now?  I'm better than ok. I turn 50 in 3 months, and I've never been in better shape physically, emotionally, spiritually....I am alive!

I am a flame, flickering, moving, adjusting...burning bright and sometimes dipping a little low, but I'm still lit.  I will not burn out. Even death won't take this from me, because the journey carries far beyond what we know.

Thank you my friends.  You have made me the woman I am at this moment.

Empowerment

Just got home from a Women In Technology International event in Folsom. What an awesome group of women!  They come from all corners of the Technology Industry (and a couple that didn't) but they each bring something unique and different to the table.  I had a really great time and felt at home...of course, when don't I keep my mouth shut and play the wallflower...uh like NEVER!

The funny thing is, that although I'm outgoing on the outside and can stir up a conversation...on the inside my guts are usually a twisty knot.  But I really didn't feel that with these ladies, and I even went solo.  The two ladies from Oracle (that I knew) were unable to make it.

Also went to training "Pre-Implementation for Project Management".  The speaker was incredibly good and I took away a lot from the class.  There are things that I can apply toy our current project and that always makes me happy.

There are more things to say, but I'm just not ready to say them.  In the meantime, I keep busy and I'm ok being by myself.  I was busy every day last weekend and I have plans for my week off...Still haven't got R a birthday present though....hmmmm.  

Beating Myself Up

Physically, that is.  I worked my ass off in the yard today.  I mowed, I pulled weeds, I cut back shrubs, I pulled off most of the barrier on the front patio...but there's a little bit of a holdout plank that kicked my ass today.

There's something about hard work that's therapeutic.  When I work hard and sweat, I wear myself out, but the end result is like a drug. I look around the property and I know that I did this work, it looks nice and I can take care of it.  If I can take care of the property, I can take care of myself...right?

I showered, did my hair, a load of laundry and drank a couple of beers.  I'm not a beer drinker per se. I'll drink it when I'm in Mexico and it's super hot, have some chips and salsa, etc.  But today, I swallowed down a couple and am getting ready to do some shots as well.  Thank goodness I've finished my pedicure, because I'm not sure how it would've turned out after the shots.  Have I been busy today....or what?

Tomorrow, I'm heading to wine country to help a couple celebrate their wedding anniversary.  One more week and I'll have a week off.  Can't wait!

Truth Hurts From Another Guy

I've written that I'm at a crossroads. I guess what makes this really hard is to hear from another (quite attractive, self-made Marine) man that my guy doesn't know what he has in me.  And sometimes I really do wonder if he realizes that I'm not like other women.

But to hear another man say that hurts. The head spins and the questions come.  And still, this other man still realizes where my heart is..."Or still could have".  And that has to be hard for him...to know that I'm in limbo over a man that may not appreciate me.  We're both in love with someone who either doesn't want us, or isn't ready for us.  And we know that we'd be good together if we didn't feel what we do for these other people.

Hmmmmm.  Well, I did get a badass power tool today and ended up kicking some ass with it. Tomorrow, I'll mow the property and take the barrier off the front patio.  We'll get this property in shape...one way or another.  I'm amazed at what I can do if I set my mind to it.

Goodnight Peeps.

Out of the Woodwork

Why is it that when you're having issues with your guy, other guys come out of the woodwork?

Not sure where my relationship is going with the Marine. We're at a crossroads and he has to make the next move. And this move needs to be a significant one with many facets.  In the meantime...

It's like men smell blood in the water. They sense there's something going on and the text messages start, phone calls etc.  Right now, there's only really one in the running.  If the Denver Marine doesn't work out, there's the Washington Marine. We're close in age, we've lived with love and loss, we are like minded...a relationship could definitely work.

Yeah, I know I sound callous and calculating, but it's not as if he doesn't have someone in the background also. He does.  We're both in this holding pattern waiting for our boyfriend/girlfriend to show us that we're the one.  But is it enough? I really like D.  He's independent, secure, financially set...we'd have fun together.

The Denver Marine is unpredictable, searching (although he says he wants a stable home life), and while he's capable of making money and is never without a job, he has commitments to keep. But there's something about the things he says, the songs he sends me, the love notes, calls, FaceTime, etc that excite me.  I don't know.

The other one "E" isn't confident enough for me.  He always talks about how he doesn't make enough money, and he doesn't have anything to offer me.  Really?  Why is 'yourself' not good enough? I can make my own money; I have a home; I have a car; I'm doing ok...so I really don't need you to do that for me.  What I'm looking for is a man that treasures me, makes me laugh and smile, will hold me, and have fun with me; make me a priority in his life. These things do not cost money...they cost time and effort. You don't have anything to offer me? These things haven't occurred to you? You're NOT the man I'm looking for.

Then there's a couple of men I work with.  The fact that they work with me makes them out of the running...but that doesn't mean that they don't try. The comments, the looks, the calls.  Yeah, I'm lucky that I have guys interested in me, but somehow I'm not satisfied.

And the days go by....

My Boy...

Is hurting.  He's learning, the hard way, just how difficult his Mother can be.  Remember, I'm his Mom and my sister, his biological Mother, he calls "Mother".   She managed to fling one of her indescretions in his face, and he  put his foot down.  He hasn't spoken to her since the incident...I'd say about 2 months.

We just had Mother's Day, and he refused to call her.  She did, however, send him a card...didn't write anything in it, but the card said "Please Forgive Me".  He's pissed over the card.  She is clueless.  She hasn't figured out what he wants...what he NEEDS to hear from her.

He needs to hear an apology.  Not just a simple apology...but a heartfelt one.  One where she takes ownership of her actions, describes what she did wrong, exposes her heart, and says " I made a big mistake and I'm so sorry I hurt you".  I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I doubt that will ever happen.  Why?

Because my sister will have to admit she fucked up. She was wrong, she made wrong decisions and that is something she doesn't do.  It's the reason why our relationship will never be mended.  My boy wants from her what I want.

I want her to stop blaming me for stealing her son, for having a relationship with her son's Mother, for having a special relationship with her daughter.  I want her to own her damn choices and that her choices are the reasons why things ended up the way they did.  It's always everyone else's fault but hers!  Really?

This is your SON!  The most important lesson you can teach him is how to take ownership of your fuckups and apologize for them. Not jab at him and make him bleed because he stood up to you over something you did.  The fact that you had to make him hurt and not take the high road tells me that you still do not understand the sacrifice that it takes to be a mother.

Happy Mothers Day to me...cuz I get it!  I get it all, the meaning behind being a mother, being a mother to your son, being a friend to your other son and being a special Auntie to your daughter.  I got the best gifts of all...due to your choices.  You lost, and I won.  And even with this win...for the sake of my Son, "S's" Son and your daughter....I still wish you could've stepped up and be the Mother they needed, because in my heart, I know it would've been better for them.

Rain...

It's raining.  All the doors and windows are opened up to receive the wonderful sounds and smells that rain brings.  It's drought in California, so any rain that comes is welcome. But it brings out many different feelings in me. It's been awhile since I've written and my heart says it's time to write again.

I'm at a crossroad in my life.  I'm not sure what direction to take, what decisions to make and how to go forward.  I've got a milestone birthday coming up, and I'm at a point in my life that I'd never thought I'd be.  I've got great friends (who are actually family to me) that have given their advice and while it's welcomed, it's enough now.  It's time for me to make my own decisions and suffer the consequences, for better or for worse.

It occurs to me that I don't know love. I know the love I see in my Son, Niece's eyes.  I know love as seen through the eyes of family and friends. But I don't know love through the eyes of a partner, a lover.  I thought I did.

Being in a relationship for 24 years, you'd think you'd know love. And although there was the glimmer and the semblance, when love choses alcohol over you, well....it wasn't mine after all...was it?   The ex-boyfriend was selfish and was shirking his duties as a father.  So I knew the kind of love I wanted was absent.  He needed to stay in Iowa and I needed to stay here.

And the latest?  Well, so many unanswered questions, not enough time spent face to face.  I don't see the proof that I'm the "forever love" that he said I was.  And I'm not being given the opportunity to find out.

But I do have love of self.  At least I do now.  I know what I'm worth.  I can do this life, with or without someone, and be ok. Yes, it'll be rocky. Yes, sometimes I'll long for someone to be next to me. But I've got my Winnie the Pooh bear and a big warm bed. And I'll go to sleep listening to the sounds of the rain drops falling. And I'll be ok.