One of those Nights

I'm sitting on my patio.  The sun is going down, and the evening is STUNNING! The temp is a cool 76 degrees...perfect!  I've got the patio fan going, a glass of wine by my side, I've worked out, talked with my cousin and now.....

I'm sitting here thinking..."I can do this life".  Yeah, it's not perfect.  I don't have a man sitting here beside me enjoying the same evening, but that may come some day.  Do I NEED a man? NO.  Would I like a man? Sure.  Good things come to those who wait.

But I made this yard look pretty.  I helped (along with some cool assed friends) make this home mine, and I am so fucking lucky! All the windows and doors are open in the home, letting the fresh air in...."Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world".  My arms are outstretched to the future.  I am optimistic, euphoric, giddy...

And, although my mood may crash tomorrow, ultimately, I'm golden.  I'm ahead of the curve when I look at my Mother, Sister and many women of my family.  I can work hard, and get callouses on my hands, I can do things, I can make things happen. WOW!

When I was a child, living in an abusive household, I never dreamed this moment could happen.  I tried suicide a couple of times before the age of 14.  I wasn't successful, so I guess I really wanted to live, but the feeling of despair, hopelessness was overwhelming.  I felt it again when my marriage started to dissolve. But now?  I'm better than ok. I turn 50 in 3 months, and I've never been in better shape physically, emotionally, spiritually....I am alive!

I am a flame, flickering, moving, adjusting...burning bright and sometimes dipping a little low, but I'm still lit.  I will not burn out. Even death won't take this from me, because the journey carries far beyond what we know.

Thank you my friends.  You have made me the woman I am at this moment.