Hurting...

Just hung up with the ex-husband, who called to tell me how much he loves and misses me.  He said that he was jealous of the cowboy because I was spending Christmas with him. After that comment, there was a huge space of silence.

I said "You don't have a right to be. You had me, I was yours and you let me go". He was silent, then said "I know"...and then we talked about the boy.

This kind of conversation always hurts. I will always love him, but I'm no longer in love with him.  What the hell am I supposed to say when he comes at me with a comment like that? He never recognizes what I went thru for him.

I waited years for him to get it together, to quit drinking,  to make us a priority,  to hold on to my wedding vows...for better or for worse.  But was I supposed to toss away my retirement, after pleading for years and years for him to get help, to change, to quit?  I already gave up children for him and night after night being awake and wondering if he was going to make it home without killing someone, without a lawsuit taking our home or way of life.

When he says those things, he rips out my heart all over again because I question myself, and ask if I did the right thing.  I know I did because at least half of the time we spent together (12 years worth) was spent in turmoil, conflict, fighting and tears. It got to a point where I had no more to give. I was dried up and worthless. Getting out was just self-preservation.

Now I'm crying cuz I hate seeing him hurting.  I hate not knowing what to do.  I know I'm never going back, but I'm not heartless.  And I hate being by myself at moments like this.

I think it's time to call it a day....