A Love Even Time Will Lie Down And Be Still For

“I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing…I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.”  Sally Owens – Practical Magic

 

I remember when I first heard this quote back in 1998, how much it resonated in me.  Maybe because love, for me, was never calm or soothing.  You hear some people speak of love as a safe harbor, of feeling protected, but I never really got that.  Love has always been exposing, tumultuous, a back and forth struggle to be happy.  Yes, there were happy moments, but it was hard won, it was a fight to get it.  

 

I know my Ex never saw it that way because in his mind, we were always happy, never fought and there were no troubles.  Alcohol has a way of providing a blissful fog where the details are not as sharp or cutting as they should be.  I resented that I felt it more than he did, but I digress….

 

I get frustrated with the whole online dating thing because it isn’t easy.  It isn’t peaceful. Some of the profiles I read are men looking for a woman that can dress up or down, she’s cultured, she’s slim and athletic, funny, etc.  However, most of these profiles are not the same as what they’re requesting.  I think something happens when we get older and the women become more calm and accepting and men become needy and high maintenance.  They are not soothing or comforting. 

 

Or maybe…I just haven’t found “the one”.  Perhaps online dating isn’t where I’ll find him.  But I know I don’t want to find him in a bar.  And I don’t want to pull an Arthur Fonzarelli and purposely crash my shopping cart into some poor, unsuspecting  handsome guy at my local Bel Air Grocery store…not that it wouldn’t work, but….. 

 

The bottom line is I’m 51.  I’d like to be in a committed relationship with a faithful guy who adores me and spend my last years in blissful peace, warm wind and a love that time will lie down and be still for.

 

Online Dating

How to react after the first date.

But this Online dating thing is kicking my butt.  You never know what you’re going to get and how they paint themselves online.  Some of the things I’ve come across:

• ·       I’ve had guys tell me they’d move to California to be with me…without having ever met me!
• ·       Tell me they love me after the first date….REALLY???  Oh be still my heart!
• ·       Go psycho because I haven’t called them within 24 hours after a date….What am I…NEW?
• ·       Go psycho because I didn’t respond the way they wanted me to from a text they sent. Oh, let me drop to my knees and thank God you’re interested in me.
• ·       Send messages about my beauty (my friends know that my beauty comes and goes) and not messages with substance that would appeal to my mind.  I guess they expect an insipid airhead.
• ·       Something about Zebra riding (I don’t make this stuff up),
• ·       Don’t look like their profile pictures, and play Rick Springfield on their Harley’s…I know every chick envied me that day!!!
• ·       Send the wrong texts to you that should’ve been sent to some other woman..Uh, ok…I know I’m not your only date, but really???
• ·       Scammers :

o   Stationed in Afghanistan, need to send a package, please sign for it, open it and pay yourself out of the money in the package..

o   Lives across the Country, willing to move for you, (I don’t wait for the shoe to drop regarding packages)

o   Stationed overseas….(cut them off at the knees, wasn’t going there again).

• ·       Elitist Snobs – Telling me in every conversation how much money they make, how much they spend on a bottle of wine, what tax bracket they’re in….what, did my profile say I was looking for a Sugar Daddy???

But lately, I’ve been finding that when I do meet them, they don’t call back.  So what am I doing wrong on the first date?  Am I too fat? Do I have something in my teeth? Do I say something wrong?  Do I give off a psycho weird vibe? Am I too independent, headstrong?  Or maybe I’m giving off an “unavailable” vibe that they sense.   

I feel like I’m ready for a relationship, that I’m ready for love, but maybe it’s my head that says it, and not my heart and they see that.  I’ve been playing around a bit, i.e. the unexpected hookup,  but nothing too crazy.  Just having fun, and knowing that I can is a great feeling.  BUT…..

That’s not all there is to life.  I want more. I want to be desired, pursued, etc.  I don’t want ground beef, I want Kobe beef.  Ah well.

Saying the Word "Christmas"

WARNING: Diz is on a Rant!!! – Read a post from a friend who stated that she was asked to sing in our holiday program at work and to pick a song.  She chose “Happy Christmas” and received a phone call informing her that “we” can’t say the word “CHRISTMAS”!   WTF???

As you may recall from a previous rant, I left the Holiday Choir at work over some Politically Correct (PC) crap about not signing “Rockin Round the Christmas Tree”. I argued that if they were so concerned about PC and diversity, they should send out a call letter to all employees around June/July asking what holiday songs they’d like to hear.  This would give us time to practice other songs and everyone would be represented.  I got shot down, so I left.

Now “Diversity” is preached consistently throughout my workplace.  But it’s become obvious to me that “Diversity” only applies to everyone other than Christians.  The definition of Diversity is “The condition of having or being composed of differing elements: variety; especially: the inclusion of different types of people (as people of different races or cultures) in a group or organization , etc.

This means that by excluding Christians and the word “Christmas”, it is in direct conflict with the word “Diversity”, which would make my workplace hypocritical.  Hmmm….will my workplace remove “Christmas” off the calendar in an effort to be diverse?  Will my workplace and our Government remove the “Christmas” holiday in an effort to be PC?

People….WE ARE TAKING THIS CRAP TOO FAR!!!!  I have no problems with the Christian or other religions and their customs or songs as long as there is no conflict between the religion and my Constitution or the laws of the United States.  But the backlash and hypocrisy of excluding only Christian beliefs to be “sensitive” to other religious beliefs is crap.  The Constitution does not and never will protect you from being offended!  It does protect everyone’s right to their religious beliefs. 

And my rant includes any college student who is offended by free speech, or the questionable history of any of our public figures.  Pull up your damned BigBoy/Girl panties and suck it up!  Or go home to your protected environment and leave the rest of us to trade our ideas and opinions in a respectful and thoughtful manner.  That is what college is for…expanding your horizons. 

And my rant includes any high and mighty Christians who want to be the judge and jury of your peers.  If you read your Bible, Luke 6:37 says "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  If you believe in God, you believe that you’ll stand before him one day when your time comes…so will everyone else.  Yes, I do judge, but I’m also not perfect..far from it….and I won’t be throwing the first stone. Well, unless I’m throwing it at the AntiChrist (and my friends know who I’m talking about). 

Deep breath….OHMMMM  ohmmmmm…

Gun Control

Given the spate of mass shootings, everyone is going off on their rhetoric, including the White House.  Basically, they feel that if they can get rid of guns, it would stop the perps from going to heavily crowded areas and shooting multiple people.

The bottom line is…we do not enforce the laws we have.  So why do people think that banning guns will give them any better results?  These are the things that are illegal in California (with the exclusion of Law Enforcement and Conceal Carry Permit holders):

·       Open carry

·       Carrying a loaded weapon

·       Weapon on Public Property or in Public Facility

·       Loaded weapon in vehicle

·       Unsecured handgun in vehicle

·       Shooting within 500 feet of an occupied dwelling

·       Automatic weapons

·       Explosive devices

·       Straw purchase or transfer

What do these laws have in common? Well, despite California having the strictest gun laws in the nation, they’re not enforced.  If they were enforced, we would not have the issues the nation is currently suffering from when it comes to gun violence…which is still on the decline and has been for the last 20 years.  Even enforcing the aforementioned laws would not have stopped the jihad killings in San Bernardino…even the White House admits this. 

Check out the statistics on the FBI website.  In their chart from 2010 to 2014 on the Expanded Homicide Data Table 8, Murder Victims by Weapon; total percentage DROP in firearms used was 8%. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much, but the Media would have you believe that this crime by firearms is skyrocketing and we’ve never experienced these numbers before.  An example of how to skew the perception:   Would you believe that explosives used to kill murder victims has increased by 50%?  50% PEOPLE!!!  We must ban all explosives!!! That’s increased faster than firearms being used for murder decreased!  

What I didn’t say was that in 2010, four (4) people were murdered with explosives…in 2014, it increased by two (2) to six (6) people.  Food for thought.

Cabo and Tahoe

So I see that I’ve been away from the online blogging for awhile.  It’s time to get back into it.  So many things to talk about.   As you may or may not know, I got two new Calico Kittens.  They’re sisters and were found in a dumpster.  I adopted them to help me think beyond myself and the house was too quiet (or too loud, depending upon perspective) with just me and my thoughts. 

I’ve named them Cabo and Tahoe (Thanks R) as these are my two favorite places to vacation and it suits their temperament. They are quite the handful and busted my chops the first day I got them by hiding in the dryer and not coming out for 14 hours.  I was so sure I lost them, that I downed a pint of ice cream.

The latest shenanigans that they got into ended up in Vet bills around $500.  Not sure what they were licking on, but they ended up losing the top layer of their tongues.  Now they’re on pain meds, antibiotics and eye cream.  I had to postpone their spay appointment till the 16^th.  In the meantime, the litter box training is going well.  I think I’ll introduce them to my bedroom this weekend, but only daytime visits until I’m sure they’ll head to the CatGenie.

Again...

We lost another sweet soul to cancer. When I first found out she had cancer, I was with the others...waiting for her to return. But I got tired of waiting...

So I started writing her.  I think I'm at my best when I'm writing.  I started regaling her with the naughty bits of my life...with the understanding that everything I wrote her and she read would be Vegas.  I was very descriptive...something I don't normally do with most people at work.  She was such a sweet soul, but for some reason, I felt like she needed a bit of the naughty to stop the doubts from rolling around in her head.

She rallied and came back to work.  But, it was short lived.  Once she found out the cancer was back, she retired.  I still wrote her.  I still told her all the stuff that I'd never want people at work to find out about me.  I still wanted to believe that a bit of the naughty would help her fight. She knows the in's and out's of the Cabo Cowboy...she knows about D from Washougal (and that I called him a vagina), she knows about the boytoy and my angst of never finding a love that will last forever.  Alas, it was not to be.  She knew she was leaving and accepted that...she went with grace. She made her peace with God.

I, however, have a difficult time with it.  I know this isn't going to be the last person I lose...no matter how much I wish it was. But I can't help but think there are more difficult roads ahead for me. I need all the guardian angels I can get, but I don't want them leaving me in life. I need them here. Cancer is unfair, it's insidious, it's demoralizing. Yeah, I know life isn't fair...I've always known it and lived with it.  But it always takes really good people!

I'm just venting here peeps. But it's things like these that make you treasure the little things.  This weekend...the day she died, I was holding my niece close, my nose buried in her hair and thinking right at that moment that I didn't want it to end.  That this moment is the epitome of my life...there couldn't possibly be a sweeter moment and I started to cry.  My niece looked at me and asked me..."Auntie, why are you crying?" I told her that they were happy tears and that she is such a treasure in my life.  Although she didn't get the words...she got the feeling and she clutched on to me and held me close...and we stayed like that...for quite awhile.

It's the little things, the scent of someone's hair, the trace of a touch on your skin, a sweet memory of life, of love...of what was, what could've been, what will be.

Ana was loved, she was respected, treasured. She will be missed and in the grand scheme of things, I think that if I can achieve the same, I won't be doing half bad.

The Ex

Tonight was about getting together with the ex and working on his will and health directive.  He's put me in charge of it all. I will be the one to make any decisions in the event that he is unable to.  I am the executor of the estate.  I wasn't really sure if he wanted me to be, or if his GF now held the power, but no...he wants me to do it.

He was stone cold sober, which is great...but his legs and stomach are so swollen with fluid. He's still yellow, so we know that his liver isn't functioning as it should. The doctor talked to him about a liver transplant if his liver doesn't start functioning again. Apparently, you have to get on a list now...even if you're not sure you need one.

However, in his situation, he'll be required to prove that he is alcohol free for 6 months.  This means random testing, etc.  I don't know that he's ever gone 6 months without alcohol.  I fear that one slip up could be his undoing. So what do I do?

His Dad is still tearing him down. And based upon what his GF talked about, although she may not be drinking in the house, she's bartending part time at a local watering hole...and drinking while there.  They are unwittingly (I hope unwittingly) undermining his efforts.

I've decided to pay his Dad a visit and make it extremely clear to him that I will not tolerate his abusive talk.  That I expect him to be encouraging or silent and that if he continues to tear his son down, then I will make it my mission to make his life a living hell if his son doesn't survive this journey. I have to do this...I need to do this.  I will not allow the Ex to be undermined..I will not allow anyone to damage his efforts.  If he fails, he fails due to his choices, not the people around him.  I will do everything in my power to ensure my Niece does not lose another male figure at this point in her life.

Sounds like I'm still married to him, huh?  I won't lie...I love him, and I will always love him.  I'm not in love with him and we'll never be "together" again. But we have a Son, and we have a future as Grandparents, and I need to do what's in my power to ensure the family stays a family.  Even if we're a divided one. My Son needs this, my Niece needs this...I need this. So, I'll suck it up and do what's necessary.

I just sincerely hope that I get a break soon, cuz I'm stressed to the max!

It Doesn't Take Long....

After a nice, extended weekend with the Cabo Crew....it doesn't take long for real life to come crashing in and letting you know that it never really left.  It just waited outside the door until you open it and it can smack you back in the face.

First...the July 4th weekend.  OMG, so much fun! R and K really pulled out all the stops and were such great hosts!  They opened their home to all of us, took us boating and to dinner...twice!  The Edgewood buffet for the 4th was the BOMB!  Delicious food, great company and the scenery in Tahoe is to die for.  Don't forget the fireworks...awesome.  It was my only opportunity to get really smashed (as I did a lot of designated driving...and I'm totally ok with that) and I didn't disappoint.

It's rare for me to get so wasted to the point that I cry...but I did.  Although I remember why.  We're sitting in the cab for the ride home, I got a hot ginger on my lap, but I realize that everyone in the Cab has someone.  They're looking at their significant others and are happy, laughing, sharing the moment...Even the single buddy of mine is texting her guy on her cell...and I don't have anyone.  Worse, the two guys who's interest I do have are complete morons!  One in a state of transition, and the other, I walked away from, but he just doesn't want to let me go.  On top of that, he won't stop contacting me, but he won't follow through.  So I ignore him, but it hurts.  With everything going crazy in my life, it would be nice to have a guy that's totally into me and can prove it....a guy that puts me first, and I don't think I've ever had that.

So this realization smacked me in the face...and tequila pushed me over the edge, and I'm crying about it. When we get back to the house, I realize I need to walk this shit off and suck it up.  My friends are having fun and I'm bringing them down. So that's what I do.  I crank up the Rock, and walk.  I feel better when I get back, but the rest of the weekend, I was looking at my friends in a whole new light...watching how they interact with their significant others, and how content they are.  I'm envious but not jealous.  I have to believe that it will happen for me one day.

My friends bought my lunch on the last day, and my two copper mugs for Moscow Mules.  How awesome is that? I hated to see them leave.  It's so hard to believe that we could meet a group of people on a Cabo vacation...and still be friends two years later.  That is a blessing.

When I get back...I'm dealing with all of the work stuff, having to bring the hammer down and light the fires...but that is what Project Managers do.  I have the draft will ready for the ex, so he'll be by with his girlfriend tomorrow and we'll discuss it. My Mom is having rent issues, so I'm having to battle the manager of her place.  I pay the rent, but they want to tell me my bank didn't pay on time (I've done autopay for the last 6 years and never had an issue)..WTF!

The cousin still has issues, and although I've thrown out a reasonable solution..I don't think she'll take it.  But I have to walk away and let her do what she's gonna do.  The boy's birthday is next week, the anniversary of my nephew's death is the week after, and I'm still thinking about the MIL's death anniversary from last month (June 23rd).

It's her home I live in...although I've made it my own.,..AND I LOVE IT!!! But I think of her all of the time. I miss her. I miss the Mom figure that totally got me and embraced me and truly loved me.  I'll never again have that, and I miss it and really want a Mom right now.  I'm 50 fucking years old, and want a Mommy to hug!  I want all the issues to miraculously vanish...at least for a little while. If wishes were horses...then dreamers would ride.

Dizzy Down

I'm not really sure how much more I can take

• FSR deadlines
• Project deadlines
• Brother in law's death
• Friend in hospice for cancer
• Anniversary of Mom's death
• Ex hospitalized for Advanced liver disease due to drinking
• FIL smack talking...accusing me of cheating on the ex 
• Mom needing more babysitting (she takes in every stray person that comes her way)
• Cousin issues

There's more, but I think I've made my point. This morning, even though I was awake by 6:30 a.m., I kept my ass in bed till almost 11.  All the doors and windows were open, there was a breeze blowing through the house, and I just laid there.  

It wouldn't be so bad if some of the things happening had good outcomes. But my friend being in hospice means she's dying. My ex refuses to acknowledge his problem is as serious as it is and in my heart I know that if he doesn't do something, he will die. I have the burden of trying to make sure our son's inheritance is intact, because he hasn't done it yet.  And despite it all, I still love him and always will.  I just couldn't watch him go out the way he's choosing to.  Turns out, I still have a front row seat. 

I need peace. I want someone I can lean my head on and breathe and know that everything will be alright. I don't like feeling I'm alone.  I know I'm not, and I have great friends (really more like family) that help keep me grounded. But they have their own lives.  I'm not sleeping at night because I can't shut my head off.  A million thoughts are ping ponging against the walls of my brain and I'm having a hard time just grabbing on to one. 

I notice I'm starting to turn to my addiction...food...to cope. But I'm not going out that way either. So I'm battling my compulsive behavior on top of everything else.  I just need to win at something here.  The only time I'm outside of my head is when I'm playing with R. He's fun. But...

I'll hold on though cuz I'm the strong one. I'm not allowed to fail. I can fail at the small things, but not the large ones. I can fail at my love life, but not at protecting the boy, the niece, Mom.  Although truth be told...we already know that they've been hurting and I haven't been able to prevent it. 

Ignore the ramblings of the cray cray chick. Dizzy's down. But she's not out.  She'll pick herself up and kick the shit out of life, cuz that's what she has to do.

Cancer Rears It's Ugly Head...

Yet again!  A friend is in hospice. The doctor says she has less than a month. She has battled this insidious disease and beat it once, but...

It's disheartening to think that another battle is lost and cancer wins again. These next 30 days are shitty days for someone to die.  I'm tired of losing people  between June and July.  I guess maybe I'm just plain tired period. The older I get the more I lose.  If death wasn't part of the equation, I would enjoy growing old.

Work is a bitch right now...my project is suffering due to my divided attention to a different project my management has put me on.  I hate neglecting my team and I hate not giving 100% because  can't give 100% to both.

I need a beach people.  Not sure I can wait till January!

What Does It Take?

Things are going ok.  And I have these moments where I look around and think that it can't be any better than it is at this moment.  But I also wonder...why do things happen the way that they do?

I have a cousin that is disrespectful and thinks the world revolves around her. She's too good to apologize because she has every reason in the book to act the way that she does.

I have a man that after almost 3 years, he's unwilling to let me go, but unwilling to pull the trigger.  I've made it clear that I'm not waiting around and that I'm seeing other people.

I have another man that is obtuse!  He can't see beyond his nose and doesn't think twice about the way he treats me.  I'm not sure if it's just me, or all women.

And I have a young man that I'm just not sure where it's headed.  I think it's just sex and we have fun together.  But then he shows his "Dad" side and gives this picture of his life that...well, you wouldn't necessarily do if it's just sex.  I don't know. Maybe what confuses me is...ME.  Am I narrow minded in thinking that there couldn't be anything between us other than sex?  The age difference is huge, and I saw first hand what it did to my in-laws.  Yes, I know what he sees in me, but that could change with time. Time is the enemy of the body and the mind.

And then there's the Ex.  I got a call from the boy yesterday, and I can tell from his voice that he's not happy with his Dad. His Dad hasn't been calling him back, even though he's been leaving messages. He's really upset because of something I caused and didn't realize.  I was talking to the ex and asked if he'd talked to the boy and heard the news.  He said no, and I said that we knew what the sex of our Grandchild was.  I went ahead and told him, kind of feeling bad that it wasn't the boy doing it.  When I confessed to the boy what I did, he told me that he had already told his Dad and that he was upset that his Dad didn't remember. He's still upset about it and I can feel the hurt.  This is what I've tried to prevent all of these years. I worked my ass off so the boy would never know what a raging alcoholic his Dad was.

Now, I can't stop the hemorrhaging that's happening right before my eyes.  I can't stop my boy from hurting over the only Dad that's ever meant anything to him, and I can't stop his Dad from ruining the only relationship worth holding tight to.  He's already kissed our marriage goodbye, but the boy chose us to be his parents. He CHOSE as an adult for us to adopt him. Now, due to my husband's addiction, he doesn't see the harm he's causing our boy...and I feel powerless to stop the damage that's being done. We are going to be Grandparents, and the ex is missing the whole adventure.

Some things are spinning out of control. And I'm admitting that I'm powerless to stop it.  And I hate being powerless.  But it is what it is.