Angels

You know how sometimes, it’s seems like you’re at the very end of your rope.  You just absolutely cannot take one more thing, or issue, or problem because you know you’ll snap in two. And it’s usually at this time that you’re wondering…”Why am I the responsible one?”, “Why does no one seem to get it?”

It’s usually at my most desperate times that somehow, some way…God sends me an angel.  Now before you start thinking that Dizzy is multiple shots past her tequila limit…let me explain.

With my past and my family, there’s been many a time that I’ve reached the “Throw in the towel” limit.  No, I don’t believe in suicide, having had a BFF that shot her head off in HS, and trying to work out my hang-ups with the aftermath of that decision. But that doesn’t mean that when you’re at your lowest point those thoughts don’t ping pong through your brain. There’s many a time in my marriage where the Creed lyrics to “One Last Breath” echoed in my head “Hold me now, I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking…maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down”.  Try having that playing in your brain while you’re driving over the Foresthill Bridge (the 4^th highest bridge in the United States at 730 ft) every day for work.  No, this isn’t meant to be a depressing post, but an upbeat one….

Like I said…it’s at these moments that I’m always sent an angel.  Now, I may not recognize the angel right away because God has this really wicked sense of humor when it comes to me and my angels. Sometimes it like one of those “could’ve had a V-8” moments when you smack your head and wonder what took you so long to see the light.

My Boy - You gave me the gift that I never thought I would have. You made me a Mom and it is my finest moment. You gave me purpose and meaning at your birth. While I may have been made a fighter by an asshole, your presence made me hone my skills and test my true meddle. You bring me my highest highs and introduced me to a love that I never thought possible. 

My Beanster - You are a light so true, so pure that there is no equal. You're at an age where you worship me and I worry about the day when you figure out your Auntie is human and full of flaws. The gift of experiencing the world through your eyes is a treasure beyond measure. And you telling me "Auntie, don't tell me about the movie and just cuddle me!" is a moment I'll never forget.

My Nathaniel - You left this world too soon and took a chunk of my heart with you. But you opened your heart to the possibility of us, and for that gift, that I had no right to ask for, I am thankful. I got to be a part of your life and a friend to your mother and father. I was someone to you and I never thought that would happen. You made me realize that the impossible could be possible.

My Nephew - Although you live far away, and I don't know you as well as I'd like too, I love that you know who I am and still talk about Auntie giving you sugar. The sugar is coming again, so you'd better get ready. You have a great smile and an infectious laugh.  You are going to be a great young man.

My Brother - We are connected. I made you flunk Kindergarten (bad Diz). I always know that you're there in the background if I need you. You don't ask for a lot and you give so much Brotherhead. There's so much more, but the words escape me.  I just know that being so close in age has made our relationship so much better. And keeps getting better as we grow older together.

My friends (KW, RW, LW, KV, TS, KA, SA, AA, CF, LS, MM, DP, CM, WT, CH) – OMG, I have a select group of friends that I know would take a bullet for me. And I’ve had them for awhile.  How lucky is that…that I can say that I’ve had them and have held on to them? You are the family of my heart.  You've put up with some seriously whack shit from me and have led me through the dark years. These were the years where I really had no joy.  All I could do was bitch and moan about my sister and mother and the blackmail and stress they heaped on me.  I don’t know why you stuck around, but you gave me the smacking I needed and helped me find the strength to pursue my own joy. You taught me, or reminded me on how to draw lines in the sand and not let people cross them.

You also helped me through divorce.  If any of you know what that is like, you know how important their support is. It’s like taking a bullet to the heart and not knowing if you’ll ever recover, ever find love, ever grow old with someone, etc.  Each of you made it clear that I can grow old with you, so I’m never truly alone.  You show me daily how to survive and fight for myself.  I am stronger and wiser because of you.  You know who you are, and I appreciate you more than you can ever know.

My Ex – You had to put up with my whack family and all the drama that came with it.  You accepted my nephew as your son and adopted him…no hesitation, no questions, just love.  you treat the Beanster as your own and love her unconditionally.  You drops off presents for her and are always looking out for her, no matter what.  Despite our differences and the fact that we cannot be married, you put that aside for them. I know that if anything happens to me, You will be there for them, and that is a comfort beyond measure.  It’s a love/hate thing for me. While I recognize you as an angel, there’s the part where I had to divorce you that still brings me bitterness and angst. I’m getting over it and the fact that I can recognize you as an angel means I’ve made progress.

My Ex-Boyfriend - While it didn't end the way I would've liked it to, you helped me realize that there is a life past divorce. You have some mad skillz and you're fun.  You have a childlike innocence about you that makes it difficult to be mad at you. 

My Blog Buddies – Cat, Myf, Tina, Nola, Mel, etc. They come from all over the globe, and I’ve never met them personally but they are some cool buddies.  They lay it all out on the table and are not afraid to tell it like it is.  I’ve picked up some bad habits like the use of their word “Noice”, which I’m trying to break myself out of cuz I use it too much. But on the upside I’ve added “gobsmacked, craptacular, cruskits, scrummy” and other fun words to my vocabulary.  Now, if they’d only teach me some naughty words, I’d be in the pink!

CC - I didn't expect you. I don't expect you now. But the surprise of you and the feeling of love-at-first-sight is something I'll never forget. You brought magic to an angry heart...a heart angry at divorce and angry at a boyfriend who didn't understand me.  You made my toes curl and my heart beat faster than I thought possible. You also taught me about being in the moment. You made me realize that I shouldn't settle and that the bar is as high as I want it to be. And you brought some fun music.

EB – Holy shit! Your cure for mourning was…really quite spectacular! I thought you were full of it, but I'll be damned if it didn’t dry up my tears and shoulder heaving.  I’ll remember it always. And every time I’m mourning (this weekend, next week, etc.) I’ll recall the memory of it and I know it will lighten my spirit, even if we never cross paths again.

RH - You're new friend that is fun to talk to, has great insight, a wicked sense of humor and makes me smile.  I go to bed laughing at night from your emails. How fun is that?

Nene - A complete stranger (I'll blog about her in the future) that I tried to give a ride to. 88 years of age and walking home from the store with two grocery bags. We had an amazing conversation and I realized I was in the presence of someone uniquely exquisite. An exceptional human being. 

Nameless Angels - Some of my angels are nameless.  Its being the recipient of random acts of kindness, and when it happens I usually need it and it gives me hope that things aren’t really as bad as I think they are.  Because of these nameless angels, I now do random acts of kindness when I’m feeling bad.  Doing something nice for a stranger, without thanks or recognition, takes me beyond myself and my ego and forces me to see the bigger picture…the world around me, not my own world inside me.

Ben Stiller - Yeah, I know…Ben Stiller???  I can hear you laughing right now. Whatup with that? Ben seems to appear at really rough times in my life.  A couple of examples:

Example 1:  Something About Mary – This movie came out when my son (then my nephew) was living with his biological Dad.  I went from having him at my house every other weekend to not seeing him at all because he was in Idaho. I begged and begged to visit him, but my sister had told his Dad that I would kidnap him and to not let me visit. I finally get him to agree that for my birthday, I can visit (supervised) and then he stops returning my calls and shuts me down.  I was heartbroken and couldn’t stop crying.  The ex says “Let’s go to a movie” and I protest and tell him that it won’t change anything.  We go, and I end up busting out laughing and couldn’t stop over that movie.

Example 2:  Zoolander – The Twin Towers fall and I’m horrified of the scenes of people jumping out of the windows to avoid burning to death. Even to this day, I have dreams about it because my one fear is burning to death.  My heart is heavy and I really take the whole thing hard (so did my boy).  I cry at just about anything and I'm not a huge crier. Whether it's true or not, crying makes me feel weak (because my stepfather always tried to make me cry, and once I figured that out I stopped...and it really fucking pissed the asshole off).  My GFs decide it’s time to go to the movies and we pick one that is so idiotic that it’s the yang to the Towers yin. I appreciated that Ben left the Twin Towers in the movie and his stupid humor had me laughing and realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My point is, the aforementioned people have been angels that have helped me through difficult times.  Angels that have been right in front of me, and I didn't realize it. Angels that have been sent to me. I’m so appreciative of that and now, when times are difficult, I keep my eyes peeled for the next angel to come my way…and give thanks to the one that sent them.