Busy Weekend

Please forgive me for not posting yesterday. It's been an extremely busy weekend. Ah, where to begin....

A friend's Mom passed away and the funeral was yesterday, with a wake to be held at their home.  As I was getting ready, I received a call from my mother who was upset about something my Aunt Sally told her.  My Aunt told my mother that I said not to give her any guns from my Grandmother's estate.  While I don't recall ever making that statement to her, it is something that I would say.  My Mom has been on a lot of medications, and she's had some psychiatric issues in the past.  Because my Mom has spent some time in a ward, she would not pass a background check for a weapon. I told her this on the phone, and she takes it personally that "I don't want her to have a gun".  Not a pretty conversation.  It basically boiled down to me telling her not to doubt whether or not I have her best interests at heart. I FUCKING hate being a parent to my parent.   Those of you who are lucky enough to have parents that are parents...you know...the ones where they hug you, and love you, give you great advice, and comfort you...DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!  There are times I would absolutely kill for a moment where I'm the one that gets comforted by my parent. Especially now, when I so need it the most.

Anyway, I hang up with her and continue working on my hair, and my Boy calls. He tells me that the guy that my sister lived with for 4 years died of some kind of heart thing. My 10 year old niece calls him Daddy, so I know this is bad. But Peeps, Dizzy had her head up her ass because if I really would've thought about it, I would've figured out that my Niece might need me. UGH!

So I head to the funeral, take flowers back to my friend's home and try and help out for the evening because her home is crowded with family and friends. I leave my purse and phone in the car thinking that it's the safest place for it. I help out, have fun, drink lots of wine, clean up afterwards so my buddy isn't up till midnight cleaning, but I have a glass too many and figure it's best to crash in their spare room and not drive (This is the same person I lived with for four months while my house was being renovated). I get up at 4 to leave and end up talking with her son for 45 minutes.  I get home by 5 a.m. this morning and check my phone before heading to bed. There's a message from my niece saying that something bad has happened and would I call her right away because she needs me. Then a message from my sister saying to call right away. AND I TOTALLY MISSED THESE CALLS! Worse, I was 3 miles from them because my friend lives so close to my sister. *((*&^%$$%&%##@!!! FUCKING A! I've never not been there for my niece and I feel like I've failed as an Auntie and as someone she can trust to always there for her, because God knows, my sister will let her down.  She always has in the past and she will again. My Niece needs to know that I will be there, just like my boy knows, and just like his brother knew. I can't take that moment back.  I'm so pissed at myself!

I'm up around 8 a.m. and call my sister. My Niece stayed the night at the last place her kind of "step dad" was before he died (my sister and he never married). So, we'll be getting together sometime this next week.

Anyway, I held an impromptu Super Bowl party at the Casa de Cromwell, and had the aforementioned friends over, my buddy CM and the guy from Georgia. It went really well, but I ended up losing a bet.  Yeah, I had a "Name your Bet" going with a guy friend. He wanted me to cook him a meal..a good meal...if I lost. I'm actually a decent cook (except for the time I made scrambled eggs in Cabo in October.  I put in way too much garlic because I was nervous and just kept chopping way.  It was enough to choke a vampire to dust). So I'm going to plan a sweet menu and pay up in style (I'm not a bad loser bitch). I'll do a nice table, with a table cloth and candles, a bitchin menu (I'm thinking a caesar salad to start, with crab bisque, whole lobster, French Bread, petite green beans and maybe some kind of stuffing or mashed potatoes, and a killer dessert) No, this is not romance.  He's too young for me, but he's a good friend and helped me on my home quite a bit. He's looking for the right girl and would like a family. I'm not a girl and I don't need to start a family at my age. So Dizzy eats crow until she pays up her bet.  Damn it!  However, the Niners played a great game, but their defense totally sucks!  I feel the defense lost the game for them. Ah well.

So that is my weekend my friends. Thank God I'm sipping on my Fireball Whiskey.  Yes, believe it or not, I've cut back on my drinking. I've restricted myself to my tequila or whiskey on the weekends and not during the week.  I walked from a man that couldn't control his alcohol intake. I think it would be extremely hypocritical of me if I couldn't control my intake.

Since I've separated and divorced my husband, I've drank more in the past 3 years than I ever have. I'm not sure if it is the fear of being by myself and having to figure it out alone, or if I was trying to "Send the pain below, where I need it". I absolutely know, without a single doubt...100% that I made the right decision. I don't doubt the decision at all. I doubt myself and my abilities.  I do know that I'm stronger than ever, and that I've accomplished so much, but I'm afraid of failing on my own. I forget that sometimes failure is good, and it's a lesson that teaches you to do something different and change the outcome.

I hate that I'll be going along just fine, and then suddenly I'm fucking pissed off at being divorced and on my own, because that was never the plan. And then I'm feeling resentment and insecure because if a man will choose alcohol over you, then you must not be very attractive, smart, etc. right? Hmmm...a man has a drink in one hand, and a wife that will sacrifice having children for you, lost 120 lbs for you (and for her), stays with your dying mother and is with her when she takes her last breath, and has gone through extraordinary lengths to keep you in the other hand..and he chooses the drink! You tell me that you wouldn't have doubts about your self worth.

And when I have those doubts, tequila and whatever else suddenly become my best friends! I forget that I should just pick up the phone and call my real friends and that they'd help me through these rough spots. Or if I do remember, I think that maybe I call upon them too much and they've already helped me so much.

But now, I'm checking myself and pulling back on the crutches that have helped me numb myself to the doubts and insecurities I have. I am worth so more than a fucking drink! Some day, someone will come along that realizes that I am a prize to be treasured. They will fight for me and never let me go. They will love me and prize me above all other things including their addictions, just as I will prize them the same way. Someday....

Good night Peeps.  Until tomorrow.