Waiting for Spring

Spring...the time of renewal, of rebirth.  I need it so desperately right now.  I found out today that another friend passed away yesterday.  Not one as close as MM, but someone who believed in me.

When I worked in e-file, he was an extremely outspoken techie. He would tell it like it is and didn't mind hurting your feelings.  Mine don't hurt easily so he appreciated that. When the opportunity came for me to work on animated gifs, he knew I could do it and pushed me. I appreciated that.  Especially since it was during a time that my management didn't have faith in my abilities. He did.  I always loved him for that. When TS told me about his passing today, she said that I could get more details from someone else, but I didn't want them because I knew I'd break out crying, and we did that enough last Monday.

This evening, my BFF told me her kitty was on her way out, kidney failure, and I broke into tears.  I love her kitty.  Her kitty gives me sugar every time I'm over at their home.  We've spent some nights snuggled together.  And it makes me miss my kitty all the more.

To top it off, I didn't tell my BFF about the surgery. I didn't mean to keep it from her.  She was away for the weekend, so I knew I'd have to wait till she got back, but then, it slipped my mind.  I was helping out another friend and just got so caught up in the day to day stuff, that she found out when I posted on FB last night that the minor surgery was kicking my ass. What a horrible way for her to find out. I feel so rotten about the whole thing because if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want to know.  It isn't something that I'd talk to my Mom, Sister or my Boy about...but I'd definitely share with my BFF.  My BFFs mean everything to me. God help me if I ever lost one of them. Especially this one.

February is turning into a major suck month, and Baby, it ain't over!  My Niece's "step-daddy's" service is tomorrow, and she'll be hurting.  Hopefully she'll be with me tomorrow night so I can wrap my arms around her and assure her that her Auntie isn't going anywhere.  The 23rd is MMs memorial and I'm not sure when KLs is.  I'm thankful February is a short month.

I'm worried that the older I get the more I'm going to see my friends pass away. I don't have answers as far as heaven, or an afterlife.  I can only hope and have faith that there is something more. I'm not afraid to die myself, I'm afraid of what I leave behind. Will my Boy, Nephew and Niece be ok? I'm afraid of losing them before I die. I've already lost one and a part of my heart is gone forever.

It's Valentine's Day and I should be thinking of the ucky love stuff, but I have such a hard time with it. I'm afraid of the moment when I have to reveal my heart and tell someone I love them. I'm afraid of being in love because you can lose it. It will stab you in the heart and trample your soul.  I'm afraid of being in the moment because it paralyzes me and turns me into a blathering idiot.  I lost love before, I walked away from it, divorced it, so why would God give me another chance at it.  And even if he did...I'd sabotage it anyway...I usually do.

Don't worry Peeps.  I'm out of sorts, on pain meds and just started sipping on cinnamon whiskey, which is probably a no-no.  Dizzy will pull up her big girl panties (ok, thong) in the morning and be strong, because her Niece needs her and there isn't anything Dizzy wouldn't do for her Niece. It'll be a new day, and before I know it, a new month.  I don't have an opportunity to do a random act of kindness right now...that always makes me feel better.

So instead I'm going to send a wish out to the universe.  There are so many things I could wish for right now, but this one is for each of you.  If you've found the love of your life, I wish for it to last forever. If you haven't, I wish for you to find it, recognize it and never let it go. Just because the fairytale isn't in my cards, doesn't necessarily mean it isn't in yours.  If you believe in it, then I wish it for you.