Having Fun with New and Old Friends

So last night I had dinner and wine with a new friend. OMG, he had me laughing and having fun, which I so needed after the day I had.  We opened up a bottle of wine and I got a tour of his crib. His bobble-head collection of the Sacramento Kings is quite phenomenal!  He cooked a dish of dirty rice with shrimp and brats, which was rather good, but we were talking so much that the next thing I knew, my bowl was empty.  I think that's a good sign.  I ended up leaving a little late...for me (Since I start work so early), but I got home safe and sound.  It was a good night.

Today at work was difficult.  I always have a difficult time sleeping...unless the Beanster is over (which is weird because she always ends up with her head sandwiched in between my head and shoulder and her legs and arms are pinning me down) and last night was no exception.  No amount of coffee was clearing my cobwebs so it took me a good 3 hours to get into the work groove.

In the afternoon, my co-worker Jeff starts talking about some Wine and Jazz festival and tells me that I should go and bring a date.  I asked "why can't I go by myself Jeff?" and his reply was "Then I have to talk to you and I don't want to do that because I'm married and I'll be talking with my wife."  REALLY JEFF?  Not only do you call me a man-eater, but you're unwittingly implying that I'm going to cause issues between you and your wife. Uh...ok....  So I reply back "Why can't I go by myself and just troll for single men?"  I'm laughing so hard I can barely get out the word "troll" cuz I'm really not the trolling type.  He says "I gotta get out of here...this is sexual harassment."  Why, I'm not harassing him, I'm harassing some nameless men at the festival that I haven't gotten to yet!  By that time, Sharon and I are really busting out with mirth and we just can't contain ourselves.  I swear to God, sometimes I think Jeff is the biggest Pollyanna I know.  And I'm the one that was raised a Jehovah's Witness!!!
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As each moment goes by though, I'm dreading the upcoming weekend. Going to the "Celebration of Life for MM" is scaring the shit out of me. I find myself on the edge of tears at weird moments. I don't want to think of a life without him in it. A man that was so full of life and now...I don't know. I've been pretty quiet with the FaceBook stuff.  I've shared a couple of the pages created to celebrate him, but I don't say much about it. I've made a couple of comments to his daughter...she's working so hard to pull this off, and I'm so appreciative of her efforts. But to talk about it makes it real. And I really just want to wake up tomorrow and know that this was a bad dream and my friend is still here.

It also scares me because if I can lose him, and my friend/co-worker, that passed away last week, well...I could lose others.  I don't want to lose anyone else.  Enough is enough! And I think that is the crux of the matter.  I'm scared and I don't like being scared. I'm a tough cookie and I don't let much phase me, but this is a prelude to my future. The older I get, the more friends and family I'm going to lose and I don't want to come to grips with that.  I want to hide, dig my head in the sand and refuse to believe it will keep happening to me. I feel like I'm suffering from the adult version of what my niece is suffering though.  All weekend she was asking me if I'm going to die soon.  Am I telling her stuff because I'm going to die? I had to tell her that her Auntie plans on being around for the next 200 years if she can help it...And for her, I'd find a way to kick the Grim Reaper's ass!

Ah well Peeps.  I'm just venting...downloading...processing.  Sooner or later it will click into place, but I'm not sure what the catalyst will be that pushes my mind and my heart into acceptance.  The Serenity Prayer just isn't working for me at the moment.