Dizzy's Diatribe

Ran into a fellow co-worker I haven’t seen in awhile.  She told me I look fabulous and asked if I feel as fabulous as I look (Remember, these people knew me when I was extremely heavy). It’s kind of a funny question.  Why not just give the compliment and walk away?  What more do you really need to hear?  My answer to her was that I feel the most fabulous right after I get off of the Stair Machine. It’s an honest answer.  Keeping an exercise regimen is difficult, especially since I still have a million things to do around the house.  I’m most proud when I’ve done some major sweating and can see the results.  

While there are changes to losing a lot of weight, some things stay the same.  I am still me.  I’m still the person that had the same hang ups at 267 lbs that I do now at 145 lbs (I fluctuate between 145 and 155). Granted, I’m still changing and I’m still dealing, but I’m not suddenly Cindy Crawford. Doors don’t suddenly open and a million dollars are at your disposal because you lost weight. The world doesn’t hand you the greatest luck, the clouds do not part and give you the sunniest days because you’re in shape.

The thing about losing that amount of weight is that I mostly still see myself as that heavy person.  That’s the “body dysmorphia” thing that I’ve talked about before.  I am seeing myself as a thin girl more and more, but I have moments where I’m right back where I was before.  It usually happens when I’m out of my element.  Especially now that I’m single.  I’ll be with a man, and the insecurities kick in and I have to grow a spine and suck it up. My doubts kick in and I’ll be thinking “Why is he with me?” “How could I possibly attractive?”, etc.  But then I remember that I do have a lot to offer and why shouldn’t he be with me?  My head goes back and forth.

I know a lot of people at work have a problem with it too.  They’re expecting the old Diz and will stare at me at meetings. One person thought there were two different “Diz’s” in the Department because they didn’t recognize me (nickname used to protect the alter ego to my Super Hero identity).  The worse is my immediate family, i.e. my Mother and my Sister. My sister continually puts her hands on my stomach and makes loud exclamations about how I’ve managed to keep the weight off (Give it a rest, will ya?  It’s been off for over 3 years now!). My Mother continually asks me how much I weigh and what diet I’m on. She’s the reason for my skewed body image, so I continually tell her that the subject of my weight is off limits and I don’t diet anymore! I’ve made lifestyle changes and they’re common sense ones.

A girl I’ve known since high school always has a comment to say when she sees me now.  “Here comes skinny”, etc.  I AM NOT SKINNY! I’m healthy…I will never be skinny.  I just don’t have it in me, and I prefer a little meat on my bones, some muscle, etc. I’d rather hear I was lean instead of skinny. She’s always been ultra competitive with me and I could never understand why.  She’s the blond haired, blue eyed type and was always in good shape.  She’s added a few pounds lately, but she’s working it off.  She never had a problem getting guys.  But the reality is…we all have our insecurities. 

I guess I just hate the backhanded complements.  You know what I mean?

• ·       You have a really pretty face
• ·       You’d be really beautiful if you lost some weight
• ·       You’re pretty, but…
• ·       A pretty girl like you shouldn’t have to worry that
• ·       Let me take care of that for you. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t have to think.

Usually, when comments like that are made…the guy is busy staring at your rack anyway. He doesn’t care if your beautiful, have brains or if you can hold a decent conversation.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to tell a guy “Hey…my eyes are up here”.  I’m pretty much a “plain Jane”, but the twins have always been shall we say…substantial!  It’s really funny to move your torso around and watch guys eyes follow your chest like a dog follows a stick that you’re getting ready to throw.

It’s worse getting comments like that from a girl.  Where’s the solidarity? Where’s the sisterhood? You would expect a woman to have your back…NOT!  If you’re going to compliment someone, just do it and not add anything more, unless it’s to further the compliment, i.e. “Nice skirt. You look fabulous”.  Do not say “Nice skirt. It makes you look fabulous.”  You may as well say, “If it wasn’t for that nice skirt, you’d be an absolute skank!” I’d be lobbing my phone at your head so quick, it’ll make your head spin!

And why does everyone think you suddenly have the answer to quick weight loss? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people come up to me at work and ask me that question.  I break out laughing and remind them that this has been years in the making.  It may seem like it happened overnight, but it didn’t. It isn’t easy. It’s a struggle every damned day. Every day you make choices that can affect your waistline and you decide whether or not it’s worth an extra half hour on Vin Diesel to eat that awesome buttery croissant.  No matter what way you choose, there is no easy way out.

You hope that your choices become habits and easier to make. You do the best you can. And when I’m on vacation, I pretty much blow my choices out the window.  I will exercise though, so it allows me the freedom to eat and drink what I want. I hate when friends monitor what I eat and question it.  “Do you really think you should be eating that…after all the hard work you put in?” Really? You’re questioning me when I’m the one that did the work? When I’m the one that is still getting up at 3 a.m. to get my sorry butt on the Stair Master so I can eat this stuff? 

Or how about when they question you and say “Wow, you look so great!  What did you do…Gastric Bypass?? Lapband???” As if to say that those choices are any easier? That there’s less work involved if you choose one of those methods?  You don’t have to watch your diet and exercise if you choose a surgical option?  I do not give people an answer when they ask me that question.  I don't give a fuck what they think. It's none of their damned business...think what you want, because in the end...it doesn't matter if I did or not. Every single option out there boils down to the fact that you still have to work out and you still have to make good food choices. BOTTOM LINE!

I can’t tell you how many people at my work that have had gastric bypass and lap band but managed to gain back all the weight and so much more. There was one lady that had Gastric Bypass and lost over 100 lbs. She would still go out to lunch and bring back McDonalds every day. She gained it all back.  The reason is because they (like the average idiot that asks that question) forgot that you still have to do the work. You still have to exercise and make healthy food choices. There is no easy way out! McDonalds every once in a while is ok…sometimes you just have to have a cheese burger (even I know that), but not every day.

Whew…I don’t know what happened there. Guess that comment set me off. Although my diatribe makes me sound like a weight freak, I’m actually pretty comfortable and sometimes even forget to eat (not proud of that). I’ll always have good days and bad days, but for the most part, I’ve learned to put diet and exercise into perspective and I’ve actually gotten to a point where I enjoy the exercise.  Enough of that now.  I think I need some vanilla ice cream….

On a more lighthearted note....this Klutz has managed to put more marks on her legs...damn gardening!!!