The Panty Monster!

So I’m getting ready for work this morning and I’m trying to coordinate my outfit. When women coordinate an outfit, they usually do it all (unless we’re on vacation) i.e. bra and panties match and the color goes with the outfit you’re wearing. Today’s outfit is a black short bolero sweater with a VS lace top underneath and black skirt (Today's outfit below). I’m putting on the black bra, and looking for a comfortable pair of black cotton thong panties…and I can’t seem to find any.

Now granted, I do have laundry to do…but not that much! I’m digging through the only three drawers I have (1 is a bra drawer, one is undies and one miscellaneous, i.e. swimsuits, socks, hose, etc.) and I just can’t seem to find what I want. I end up with a string thong in black with a sheer lacy front and this white piping design on it. It’s more like what you’d wear if you were stripping for a man, not to work. WTF??

Where did my black cotton thongs go? I haven’t been sleeping around and leaving my panties behind in various men’s bedrooms….well maybe in my dreams... But seriously! I know I’ll have to get to the bottom of this, but I’m going to hazard a guess here…

It’s the Panty Monster! A first cousin to the Sock Monster! He’s sneaks in when you least expect it and robs you of the specific panties you’re looking for at that moment. Whatup with that? Why can’t he steal the panties that don’t fit anymore, the raggedy ones..the C Game panties for Christ Sake? For those of you that don’t know, there are different grades of panties.

• A Game – These are the panties that are not necessarily comfortable, but look fabulous and better, look fabulous to the man that is watching you undress. It’s generally his job to remove these panties. When a woman is bringing her “A Game”, you know she’s wearing something special, sexy, hot underneath her clothes.

• B Game – These are the everyday comfortable panties. Nice looking but not special. You wear these under your work clothes or under jeans, etc. These are the ones I travelled to Cabo with last October. Well, my thinking was, I’m single, I’m not travelling with a man…what’s the friggin point!

• C Game – These are the Granny panties, or the B Game retirement panties that you haven’t thrown out. They’re comfortable, but the elastic is probably shot and you could run the risk of them falling down around your ankles if you wear them with a skirt. Women would wear the Granny panties if they’re undressing with their mother around.

Anything below a C Game is not worth mentioning and definitely not worth wearing! A woman wouldn’t be caught dead wearing C Game or anything below when she’s with a boyfriend, partner, etc. Married women may be caught in Granny panties by their husbands, but not often. We have a certain standard we like to uphold.

Not only that, what you wear underneath your clothes affects your mood and body language. At least I think so (my BFFs can chime in anytime here…) because when I’m wearing my A Game panties, I’m much more confident and a take charge kind of person in the bedroom. I know I look good and that makes me feel good. If my A Game panties are sexy and comfortable…that’s a win/win for me. Because most of the time, when I’m wearing a miniskirt (I’m more comfortable in miniskirts than shorts in the summer) I’m wearing comfy A-Game panties underneath…You just never know when someone may catch a glimpse…just sayin.

Now I could understand if the Panty Monster stole all the A Game panties, but why just the B Game black thong panties? There’s just something not right about this picture. I’m sure I’ll get to the bottom of this…they’re probably hiding with the socks I’ve been unable to match.

On the same note: My Jr. High crush (now just buddy) posted a question on FB that reads “I only have enough money to buy either “underwear” or “shoes” – What should I do? My answer was “Commando Baby”. His answer was “I’ve gone commando with nice shoes on…I took the advice of the galactically beautiful and painfully gorgeous…” TAKE THAT BITCHES”!!!