Death and Retirement

It’s quite the day today.  Another funeral to attend and death is just kicking my ass 6 ways from Sunday.  What’s a girl to do?  I did ask God if I could have a one year moratorium on death.  I’m hoping he can keep the Grim Reaper occupied with Jihadists or something.  Lord, I have timeshare….Can we send the Grim Reaper to Cancun for a little R&R, cheap booze and women?  

KL's funeral was really nice.  It was great to see the turnout from work and AA gave a wonderful eulogy that really brought home what a great guy KL was.  It's just so sad to see him leave us at such a young age (well, I feel it's young). His daughters are really nice and epitomizes the values that KL had. 

We headed to AAs house afterward for the wake part of the event. That was a nice turnout also, but I had to endure a solid bitch standing next to me.  This is never the occasion to break your foot off in someone's ass, so I just smiled and endured it.  I think she could definitely tell that I was "tolerating" her. I avoid her like the plague at work because I know she'll say something and I won't be able to keep my mouth shut and it will be fucking on!  I know KL only tolerated her too, so....

I've got to say, after attending 3 funerals (Celebrations of life) in less than a month, my mind is extremely weary. I could really use some beach time.  One thing is for sure...I don't want any damned sad singing at my funeral. If anything remotely touches it, it will be the bagpipes, because I love the sound of that.  My funeral is going to be a party. I'll be cremated and put in a rockin container, placed on the party table next to the tequila, Fireball and the fucking Band (if Sammy Hagar or Van Halen is available, that would be sufficient) and everyone will commence to partying.  If you want to talk about me, talk about the fun stuff that I did with you, even if it's sex.  I don't care. Talk about the crazy things. I don't mind crying as long as you're holding a shot glass or drink. I want you to party like I would be doing if I was with you. That's how you remember me. All I ask is that you're careful around my Beanster...she thinks her Auntie walks on water, and the bastard that blows that image from her mind is going be haunted by me...and I don't play nice!

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We’re also looking at looming retirements and I and my buddy KV are not happy about the situation.  KV and I are the same age, and we’re younger than our group of trashie friends. So when AA retires in November, it just leaves the two of us for the next 10+ years. The other four will be off having high adventures, traveling, going to tea…WITHOUT US!  What the frakk is up with that?  This is what we get for having older friends…however, these chicks do not act or look older…they’re just plain fun! It’s only at moments like these that the age factor comes into play.

So KV and I were trashing our four girlies with jokes like “about the time we retire, they’ll be senile and won’t remember us”. I referred to the “Ya-ya Sisterhood” movie and said one of them would be dragging around an oxygen tank and sucking down the air like Darth Vader on steroids.  I can hear them now….”Cccccsssshhhhhhhhh…Dizzy, get your Ccccccsssssshhhh cough cough butt over here and bring me my cup of tea!”  One of them is going to end up with a big thick cane that she can bash us young whippersnappers’ over the head with. BLAM!!! “You heard her, Diz…get the damned tea!” TS will still be looking as young and stylish as ever with her movie star scarf wrapped around her head and big ole sunglass, pulling up in a Rolls Convertible…probably tossing me the keys and asking me to park her baby…”And Don’t put a scratch on her Diz, or I’ll have your ass!” Good Ole CF will probably be the only relatively normal person at the table but she’ll have the memory problems when it comes to telling us tales of her Grandchildren….”Did I tell you…”, Uh…Yeah…Just did…6 times!

I also have a dive buddy that’s retiring in the next month.  I’ve known her forever, so I didn’t really think she was retirement age.  When I trained for my certifications, she was the Dive Instructor Assistant. So now she’s teasing me about all the dives she’ll be able to do while Dizzy sits on the sidelines waiting till the next vacation to get back in the water.  It’s too funny, but I just hauled down the majority of my dive equipment from the ex’s home and stored it in the shed.  The only thing I seem to be missing is the tubular weights that I strap to my tanks. Where are those blasted things???  I think I need a new dive computer because I spot some rust residue, and have the feeling that if I crack open the case the batteries are gonna be oozing everywhere.

Yes, I still need to work and while I was hoping to retire at 55 (Uh, No….I’m not close yet!), Divorce made me rethink the retirement plans.  Don’t get me wrong, but redoing the entire house (although it absolutely was a must) is gonna take me 15 to 20 years to pay off…unless I win the lottery. Hopefully, with some prudent planning and if I stop messing with my timeshare, I’ll have it paid off sooner.

Wait, I know…I’ll get myself a Sugar Daddy (and I’m not talking candy)!!! Hmmm wonder what that would entail?  What do I have to do to land and keep a Sugar Daddy?  I don’t watch those “Real Housewives” shows nor do I watch that Ex-wife of Rockers show, so I don’t have the slightest clue.  I know I have to bludgeon myself with a stupid stick because they seem to be drawn to helpless, insipidly stupid women.  I think they like the “damsel in distress” role, but it goes against my very nature….  UGH!!!

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One fun thing did happen on my way home from the funeral today.  I stopped for gas and while at the pump, the guy in front of me kept looking at me and smiling.  I smiled back. He asked how it was going and I gave my usual reply..."I'm holding on with both hands..how about you?" He said he was doing fine.  Then the ex called and while I'm talking to him, the guy comes up to me, hands me a Pepsi and says "An ice cold Pepsi for a woman with a beautiful smile" then leaves.  The ex heard him...Ha ha....I'm not yours anymore and you heard another man noticing! NICE!

I’ve got the Crockpot going so I don’t have to worry about dinner. Split Pea with Ham…I used the leftover ham hocks from Honey Baked…but I wanted to take the edge off the sweetness of the ham, so I added a smidge of Habanero powder to it, along with some smoked paprika. I tasted it and it rocks! Too bad there's no one to share it with.  I can tell some of it is going in the freezer!

Happy Hump Day!