Jet Setter???

My work buddies have been questioning how I’m able to go on all of these trips and stuff.  They seem to think I’m rich.  The funny thing is…I’m NOT!  Some of them, I give the courtesy of an explanation.  The rest of them, I shine on.  

My ex-husband has always been interested in Timeshare.  He’d drag me to every timeshare presentation and try to sell me on it.  I just wasn’t interested.  I couldn’t see spending money for one place to go to at one specific time of the year.  I felt like it locked us into something. 

Then, in 1996, he convinced me to attend yet another Timeshare presentation…this one was WorldMark, then owned by Jeld Wen and managed by Trendwest.  Many things struck me differently with this presentation such as: 

1.      Once we owned it, we could pass it on to our children.  What???  Never heard of that before. 

2.      They also didn’t sell one place, but multiple places that were not locked into any particular week.

3.      Based on a point system so you could reserve something that fits your needs, i.e. Studio, 1 bedroom, 2 bedroom etc.

4.      Many of the resorts were driving distance, so we didn’t need to spend money on airfare.

5.      Points were renewable each year, and you could bank up to two years.  If you needed longer, you transfer the rest to the International RCI for an additional 3 years, etc.

Well, it turns out that the person giving the presentation went to High School with my ex and they struck up a conversation.  Some of the things he said were logical to me.  That inflation would always drive up the costs of hotel rooms and vacation resorts and wouldn’t we rather save that money to spend on the actual trip, i.e. excursions, food, etc.?  They were home away from homes with full kitchens, washer/dryers, etc. At the time, I was trying to get pregnant and the thought of always being able to take my children on a vacation really appealed to me.

When I was growing up, we were pretty poor.  I already told you about eating beans for 4 months straight, etc. Going on a vacation was a HUGE deal and something we could not afford.  As a matter of fact, my Grandma paid for our trip to Disneyland. The one trip I can remember that was far away was our trip to Seattle for a religious convention and I’m fairly certain that my Grandma foot the bill for that one too.  My first airplane ride was paid for by my job when I was in my early 20’s.  I wanted to know that our kids would vacation and have fun (while still understanding how fortunate they are to do so).

So my ex’s friend cut us a deal.  We purchased 6,000 credits (which equates to a week in a 2-3 bedroom condo) every other year. We also got access to bonus time (pay cash for a weekend instead of using credits) and a free RCI certificate for a week anywhere we wanted to go.  At the time of purchase we paid $.93 a credit?  Something like that.  Credits now go for almost $3.00 per credit.  We used the certificate to go to Puerto Vallarta Mexico, and after that trip, I was sold.  I loved traveling. We gradually increased the amount of credits we owned.  I set it up so that the payment was made out of my bank account every month. When we joined, WorldMark had maybe 30 different resorts.  Now they have 160. 

When we divorced, we were at the Diamond Elite status (3.5 weeks a year for a 2-3 bedroom), and I wanted the timeshare in the divorce.  While the ex wasn’t happy about that, I used logic that he couldn’t deny.  I had always been the one that planned the vacations, he is a notorious procrastinator, so I knew that the timeshare would sit and rot before he planned something, and I agreed in the divorce decree that if he wanted to use a week every year, he’d just have to pay the maintenance fee.  Being that we’re friends, I told him that if he needed longer, it wasn’t’ going to be an issue.  And, of course, in the event of my death, it would get passed on to the kid(s).

So, after taking ownership, I upped the status (which I’m still paying off) to Platinum Elite (5.5 weeks a year for a 2-3 bedroom).  The reason I did this, is because at this status, I can use my credits, not only for the timeshare itself, but for excursions and airfare, which means no money out of pocket (other than what I’m paying off and maintenance dues).  When I’m retired, I won’t have to worry about being able to travel, etc.  I call it my 501V retirement fund.  Which is why I can travel right now and it looks like I’m rich…..

Fa la la la la....

So the holidays are fast approaching.  I’m really not into Christmas.  2013, I was sicker than a dog, and spent it at home, in bed. 2012, I had broken up with my boyfriend and it was rocky. 2011, I was homeless and living with a friend.  Although I did have fun, it was still a little different. 2010, I had lost Mom (MIL), my marriage was over and I had the worst trip to Cabo with my estranged husband.

Don’t get me wrong.  For an ex-Jehovah’s Witness, I love the pomp and pageantry of Christmas. Yes, I know Christ wasn’t born in December, and I know the Christmas tree is a heathen symbol the Catholics incorporated to rope the non-believers into Christianity.  But I love the Christmas spirit of giving, of helping others. I love seeing the smile on faces surprised by random acts of kindness. 

I love my favorite Christmas movies, and no matter how much I haven’t been “into” the holiday, I always drag them out for a viewing…Holiday Inn (my absolute favorite), White Christmas, Pocket Full of Miracles, Miracle on 34^th Street, The Santa Clause, The Ref (ok, it’s a little off color, but the role is tailor made for Denis Leary, and the line from Kevin Spacey… “You know what Mom? You know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross…so every time you feel unappreciated for all of your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it!”), Die Hard (Hey…they’re celebrating Christmas in the Nakatomi Plaza) and the usual mushy stuff you find on the Lifetime or Hallmark Channel. 

This year, I’m pretty much giving out gift certificates so I don’t have to deal with the holiday rush, people, traffic, etc.  I decided to run away for the holidays.  I’m headed to Seaside Oregon.  Although it isn’t exactly what I had planned, I decided to not wallow in what I had originally planned, and go for something different.  I’m spending it with members of the 2013 Cabo Crew.  We agreed that we were not exchanging gifts, we are just going to enjoy each other’s company.  I’m only asking the group for one thing…On Christmas Eve, I want a fire on the beach.  I’m hoping it’ll get me back on track toward Christmas.  Something about the sea air, a cold beer, a fire on the beach, good friends…maybe even spotting Santa’s sleigh in the sky…it just seems to fit.

Floored!!!

It was a bittersweet evening.  I went to the hill to say hello to my Nephew.  I met up with 3 of his friends there.  We had a good time reminiscing about the past.  I got to hear some more stories about the fun and trouble that he had with his buddies.

While we were there, the boys asked if I would be insulted if they cracked open a beer at the grave site.  I looked at them and started laughing.  I replied...Wouldn't he expect you to be drinking and toasting him?  They said yes and went and got the beer.  They gave me one and we all toasted him.  It was pretty cool.

Afterward, I headed into Stockton to meet up with his Mother and my sister of the heart "S".  After a glass of wine, we head to the restaurant to meet up with his friends and finish off the evening.  It was so cool.

So what am I floored about?  Well, one of my Nephews friends wanted me to drive him home (he came with a bunch of guys) and on the drive, he told me that he was attracted to me and basically wanted to...well, you know.  I told him that I was too old for him and asked him how old he was.  23??  Uh oh!  He said that age shouldn't matter.  I told him that he was correct.  But that I had some personal rules, and one of them was to not play with any man my Son's age or younger.  He said that he could respect that.  I also made it clear exactly how old I am, but it didn't seem to phase him.

I told him that he was cute, smart, articulate, (I also found out that he's a trust fund baby and had inherited a lot of money) and that he could have any girl he wanted...he needed to get out there and have some fun. But it didn't phase him.  Interesting...

There was some more things said, which I will not divulge, but I was flattered that he asked and told him so.  It was a huge boost to the ego.  I think Dizzy is gonna be ok.

Funk

I've been in a funk.  I'm doing all the right things. I prepped for the pending storm today. Got the ladder out and pounded nails into a tarp to cover the hole in the roof of the shed. I covered my beloved Weber grill. Battened down the hatches. Moved the green waste cans that I filled with leaves over the past few days, so they won't fall over and release all of my hard work.

I'm working hard at work, and the project is coming together. We're in the protest period for the bid, so we should be on track in January to get the ball rolling on the actual project implementation. I almost punched a co-worker in the face today.  This morning she comes up and says "Hey, you want some breakfast?" Picks up the homemade cookies I brought in for everyone and shoves them in my face....literally touching my nose.  My mind is spinning...Do I punch her? She pulls the bag away from my face and is watching for my reaction.  She can literally see the thoughts of hurting her run over my face, but basically I look at her and say "What the fuck do you have up your ass this morning?"  She knows she's avoided a beating and goes through some lengthy explanation. Bitch!

I'm getting ready for my trip and making plans with the Cabo Crew, although one of them is only going to be there three nights out of the seven. Fine. It isn't like I don't already have plans with a couple of other people once I get there.

I just don't know peeps. The things I thought were tangible are no longer.  I feel like I'm not any good at my relationships at the moment.  Not talking just about the opposite sex, but my friendships, family and stuff too.

This Saturday is my Nephew N's birthday.  His Mom has invited me to her home so that we can go together to the restaurant and celebrate with his friends.  I think it's so cool that even though he's no longer with us, his friends still love him enough to celebrate his birthday. I love that she thinks of me and invites me.  I had planned on going to the hill anyway to see him and have a chitchat.

I miss him. I miss the possibilities of him. And it's another reminder of missing the people I've lost over the past few years. Time is short, and I need to make the most of it. Am I just being reflective due to my age? Am I being reflective due to the decisions I've made over the past few weeks? Or is it due to the people I've lost.

I have a new co-worker who reminds me of D...the guy I just said goodbye to on November 7th.  He's as thin and around the same age and has the same mannerisms.  It's kind of painful. I don't know.

Time for bed. I'm teleworking tomorrow due to the storm and have about 5 things I need to complete. Not to mention my necessary walk through the storm.  Perhaps it will kick my ass enough to remove this funk.  We'll see.  G'nite!

Surprise!

Got less than 24 hours notice that my Niece would be performing in her Jr. High Holiday Program.  That's ok...I braved the storm and got there early.  I sat in the front row and watched the performance, got pictures and movies.  It was awesome.

Not sure my Sister was all that happy about it. She was sitting toward the back with our Mother. You'd think they would know the routine by now and understand that if you want the best seats..gotta be there early.   It was so worth it.  My Beanster is growing up so fast.  She's a beauty!

Talked to a male co-worker yesterday...and a different one today. Both are interested (still). Both are off limits.  It's weird how it can be "feast" at work, but "famine" outside of work.  Yes, I still have someone long distance that wants to get together, but I know that I really need to find someone close to home.

That's scary though.  Funny how I could commit to someone far away, but not to someone whom I could see every day.  Guess maybe I do have a fear of commitment.

Still giving a lot of thought to the characteristics of the 'next' man.  I already told you that I'm thinking about a man with a little money (not for me..just to make sure he's' not after anything I have...and it isn't much). Ah well.  In the meantime, it's me and Pooh Bear.  He's a good companion.  Doesn't bitch, always faithful, puts me first, is waiting for me when I get home.  Now if only he'd cook, clean and do laundry..He'd be PERFECT!

Christmas

I gave away the huge 9 ft. Christmas tree today. A woman who lost her job in an injury accident really needed one for her children. The children told her that Santa won't deliver the presents if they didn't have a tree.

The tree I had was a beauty.  I went to the Christmas tree store, the day after Christmas and parked my truck outside the shop at 4 a.m.  I waited till it opened at 8 a.m. and was the first person in the door.  When my eyes lit up on this sweet baby...I knew it was the one.  It had little pine cones on it and looked so real.

This tree was with me through the dream of having children, to having that dream crushed, to having my Nephew (now my Son) celebrate underneath it's sturdy branches.  This tree has held the ornaments that my Mother-In-Law used to put on her tree. It has held the home made ornaments, my Niece's first bootie, the Boy's Harry Potter stuff.

Now that I'm divorced and the boy lives far away...it will never be used as it should be.  This tree cries out for children to dream while staring at it's lights, and anxiously waiting to tear open presents. I knew when I heard this woman's plea that my tree was going home.

I'm not into Christmas this year.  I wasn't going to decorate and made plans to run away for the holiday.  I'm happy to say that this family brought it back for me.  Will I decorate and put up a tree?  Probably not.  But I will be looking for more ways to enjoy the Christmas spirit.

Now...if Santa will only bring me what I want for Christmas....dare to dream.

A Stunningly Beautiful Blustery Day!!!

It's raining and windy. The scent in the air is crisp, clean and wonderful.  I've made cauliflower steaks and they're on the grill outside.  So everytime I set foot outside I get to smell the air and feel the coolness. Yes, the cauliflower steaks are a bit of an experiment, but I think it'll be kind of fun.  My home is pretty clean, toasty warm and comfortable.

I'm dressed in comfy stretchies and a pullover top.  The fireplace is going and I've got the next week off for Thanksgiving.  How lucky can one girl be?  Yes, it would be nice if I was sharing this moment with true love, but then...in a way I am.  I'm having a love affair with myself.  Well, it's just starting out...again...but....

Yeah, I've got lots of faults and stuff, but there's a lot to appreciate about myself.  I need to remember the great things about myself and sometimes I forget to do that.  I focus on the bad and obsess about the wrong things and have to remind myself that there are good things about me.  Do you know what I mean?  The bottom line is, how can I expect someone to love me, if I don't love myself?

It's funny how the majority of people will say that selfishness is a bad thing.  However, I believe that there can be a healthy selfishness.  A persons intimate knowledge of themselves and a self love will keep them alert and looking out for themselves.  It gives them a sense of self-preservation so they'll know when something is bad for them and know when to walk away.  If you think you're not worth the best, then you'll always be settling for less, for less then you are truly worth.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And while I won't make some of those thoughts privy to my blog, I will say that the steps I've been taking are good ones.  The thoughts are solid and I will kick ass and take names on my future...and no one is going to stop me!

Let it Rock, Let it Roll...Let it Go!

I'm finding my way back to me. Part of divorcing and re-evaluating my relationships was to find out how to just live and not control everything around me. I let that slip away, and I've been working my way back to that. 

It's weird, but I forgot how to relax and just let life around me roll. I'm used to controlling (or at least the illusion that I had control) the things around me.  As a kid, everything was beyond my control and I so desperately wanted it.  I was tired of the Adults in my life making decisions that I didn't want to be a part of.  I was tired of the abuse, the yelling and religion being shoved down my throat.  I was pissed that the AntiChrist controlled everything around me, and I didn't have the power to change things.  

The sad thing is, I've still been fighting that fight, and I need to stop.  I can only control me, what I do, how I do my job and my life and nothing else.  I can't control the men I date, I can't control my friends, I can't control the environment outside of my home....I have to breathe and just let things be. 

I have to remind myself that I can have inner peace and stop struggling to bring it to me...it's already here and resides inside.  Take a deep breath Diz and let it go.

Hmmmm

I had one hell of a weekend.  A friend came down from Washington for the weekend.  "T" is a down chick.  She knows how to have fun, has a wicked sense of humor, is a SeaHawk fan....but I still like her. I've been extremely blessed to meet some really cool people in Cabo..then take those meetings and turn them into friendships. It's unusual, but how lucky can a girl get?

K and R offered their Tahoe home, and she's never been, so off we went.  K and R met her with me, at the same time.  We were all together in Cabo, so I've nicknamed the group the "Cabo Crew".   Of course this is the 2013 group.  2012 was a whole different group. Someone made a facetious remark and said I only had 6 weeks to get to Cabo and meet Marine 2014 (being that I had a Marine 2012 and 2013)...is opening a can of Whupass too severe on this person?

Anyway, one of the really cool things about the weekend is seeing Tahoe through new eyes. I love it every time I see it, but there's nothing like the first time. It was so fun to walk around, see the views, etc.

The three of us ladies had such a good time playing games, laughing, etc.  I swear, I have a laughter hangover...and those are the best kinds. I hated to see her go, and even she said that it would be nice if we lived closer together.
 ----------------------------------
Now it is the start of a new week.  I've been thinking about dating closer to home.  No, I do not want to use those websites like eHarmony, or Match.com.  I know damn well that I can be whomever I want to be online.  So why would I go looking for someone who's going to try and be the perfect man?  Yeah, I don't think so.

However...as bad as this sounds...I wouldn't mind dating a man with Money.  Not crazy money, just comfortable money.  No, I don't want his money.  I just want him to leave what little money I have alone.  I want him to buy me coffee and not blink. I want him to be able to go on vacation with me and be comfortable with the whole thing.  Is that bad? Does that make me a money-hungry bitch?

To be honest...I don't mind working men...I love them.  I love that they're independent and hard working.  There is nothing better than a hard working man, and it doesn't matter how much money in in the bank.  But for once, I'm thinking I should look a bit higher.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not sure I'm the kind of girl that can attract that kind of man. But it doesn't matter.  It would be fun...just for once. And one thing I know....I am a fun girl.  I don't have to be the prettiest, smartest or have the best body...but I am fun.

Ok.  I think I'm done for the evening.  G'nite peeps.

Trust

How do you know when to trust? Family and friends you've known your entire life can break your trust.  If it's done for the right reasons...you can forgive it. But what about others?

How do you know when to walk away?  How do you know when to let your head do the talking and tell your heart to shut the fuck up?

I don't know Peeps.  I'm so conflicted right now, and it really isn't the time for me to be this way.  There are things I need to buckle down on, things I need to concentrate on.  There are things I need to say goodbye to and let go, and other things that I need to hold tight to.

I'm tired, I'm alone and tonight....I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It doesn't help that I may have busted my nose.  Yeah, it wasn't pretty, but I heard a crack and had blood gushing out of the inside and outside of my nose.

It doesn't help that my ex-husband has found someone and he's going to AA for her...but could never do that for me.  Don't get me wrong...any woman that can get him out of his addiction is ok in my book, and I will accept her no matter what.  But why couldn't he do that for me?

It doesn't help that my ex-boyfriend got married last weekend and is starting a new chapter in his life.  Yes, I'm happy for him...but I've always felt one of the main reasons he was with me was to get back to California, but still...it hurts a little.

It doesn't help that I feel like an "after-thought" in some people's lives due to their unwillingness to communicate with me.

It doesn't help that one man in my life seems to think that I want something more serious in my life like a committed relationship, but doesn't realize that "Hey...I'm your out of state friend...don't you think there's a reason for that?"  He asks me why I didn't stay at his house with him, and I said "you didn't ask me".  His response... "I didn't think I needed to."  Really??? So if I assume that I'm supposed to be staying with you, doesn't that mean that I think there's more to our friendship...that I want more"  But me not assuming that means to you that I want more than you're willing to give?  Dude...I don't know what the fuck I want....and you're assuming I want more???  Actually, I do know what I want, but I can't have it. And it really has nothing to do with you.

"But long before, having hurt

    I'd send the pain below

  I'd send the pain below

    Much like suffocating"

Wednesday

So yesterday was “Dance Monkey Dance” day (yes, I’m the Monkey in this scenario), and I wake up to the sound of rain….which is a good thing.  In my mind, I’m thinking the following:

·       It’s my favorite day (always loved Wednesdays)

·       It’s raining – I love listening to the sound of it and smelling it in the air

·       I’ve exercised and feel awesome

·       I know what I’m wearing for the “Dance” with Management and our CalTech Reps

I totally got this, right?  Not necessarily. I shower, I do my hair, I get my skivvies on and I go to close the windows in the bedroom.  I have no idea what the heck I did, but I end up slamming my double paned window on my middle finger.  Normally, I’d be swearing a blue streak, but I deep breathe and think to myself…hey, you’re maturing. Good for you for not swearing.  Then the pain hits and I grab my finger with my other hand and bend over sweating.  Did I break it? No…I can move it. Ok, let’s finished getting dressed.  I take my hand off my finger and there’s blood everywhere.  WTF??? I go rinse it off and hold tissue to it.  I head over to the band aids and fumble for one.  I take the tissue away and realize…I have a damned two-sided cut.  One on each side of the finger.  Ok…Hmmm…how do I do this?  I finally engineer a double band aid that doesn’t look geeky and go finished getting dressed. 

I’m wearing ankle boots so I pull out the bootie socks, get one on, and can’t seem to find the other one I just had.  I’m searching everywhere and I know it was just there.  Well, how was I supposed to know that if you sit on it, it’ll stick to your butt?  Peel it off my panties and realize, hey…you have blood from your finger on these panties…go get another pair. I do, and we’re about ready to roll.  Unfortunately…it will not look cool flipping someone off with my middle finger all bandaged up.

It did turn out to be a warning of the day ahead.  I received an email from "D's" wife "H" informing me that he had passed away the night before.  I knew that I couldn't cry because of my meeting with the bigwigs...so I held it together.  I left an hour early and met a couple of peeps at the bar to celebrate "D's" life.  Once I got home, it was ON!  I decided to stay home today and just enjoy the moments.

The finger is turning out worse than I thought. It's right at the point where I hold my pencil/pen, eating utensils, etc...and every time something presses on it, it sent a shock of pain up my hand.  When I go...I go BIG!

Weekend

It was quite a weekend.  I did some BBQing for my Ladies of the 80's and their men. It's been awhile since I've hosted a group that large. I did the chicken and steak, and they brought the sides.  We all chipped in on the drinks and it made for a really nice evening.

When I woke up, it was nice and cool in the bedroom, but toasty warm in my bed.  I love those mornings when I can stay in the bed and just snuggle with my Winnie the Pooh and just be.  It seems like I'm always rushing around and keeping busy, so it was just heaven to enjoy my awesome bed. You have to be thankful for the little things...cuz they could be gone in a second.

After I got up, I headed to the farmers market and picked up my green onions, yellow onions, celery, poblano peppers, tomatoes, onions, beans, kale, limes, chai and breakfast tea, smoked paprika, granulated garlic and pepper spices.  I like that I can get all of that for around $25 and eat healthy.  I already picked up some smoked ham hocks, so I'll be chopping up celery, onions and throwing them into the crock pot with the beans and ham hocks.  An inexpensive meal with great properties to lower cholesterol.  I think I'll bring some to the timeshare this weekend when I take my Mother to Napa.

The kale, I'll use for breakfast shakes, but I also want to try my hand at Kale chips. A little olive oil, salt and pepper tossed on the kale and bake in the oven.  It always looks so good, but I've never eaten it. Green onions I eat on everything.

I love going to the farmer's market.  I actually like to go early to beat the crowd, but today, I lollygagged a bit so it was crowded. It always amazes me how people will stop right in the middle of the aisle and you can't help it when you plow into them, cuz you don't expect them to stop.  Ah well. The vibe out there is so fun, and I love that I'm getting fresh vegetables that are less likely to have all that crap on them, i.e. pesticides and chemicals to make them last longer...that you find in a regular store. There's something satisfying about bringing home your haul and filling up the sink with vinegar water and washing your veggies.

Then I downloaded Microsoft Office for MAC on my laptop.  Got it from work, which is really cool. Made some dinner, with some wine..and here we are.  All in all, a thoroughly satisfying weekend.

The Lake House

You know...that movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves?  Yeah, I admit that it isn't the greatest movie...but for some reason, when it's on TV, I'm compelled to watch it.  I know about the improbability of it all.

Woman lives in the future, leaves mail for a man in the past. They develop a relationship and try to meet.  yada yada yada.  But that is what compels me to watch it.  The magic of it all.  I need to believe in magic.  Yes, I know it's rare, and it dies.  

I got the news yesterday that my friend "D" from work is dying.  Unfortunately his cancer is unbeatable, so his family is rallying around him. He tried so hard. And he has magic.  His wonderful wife whom, when he met her, he just knew she was the one. He's got two boys.  He has a rich life and its running out on him so fast.

I need to believe in magic and live my life.  What is the point of having wonderful people touch my soul and leave me, if not to teach me something. Teach me about life and love and magic.

So I watch these pathetic love stories because, for a moment, I can feel the magic and forget about the crappy stuff that's going on.

Yeah....I know.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...

Singing

Everything about my Boy and Niece

Love and all the crap that comes with it

My Besties

Spicy popcorn

Any kind of seafood

A challenge

Heights

Rollercoasters

Flying

Trying new things

Cooking

Very fast cars

The moon

The beach

A frosty cold margarita with lime

The accomplishment of sweating

A really good scent on a man's neck

Anticipation

My Weber Grill

All things Apple

The warmth of my bed with cool air kissing my face

My Pooh Bear

A hot tub on a cold day with a glass of wine and candles

Mexico (not the politics), it's people and the food

I know there's more.  Sometime's you have to take time out to appreciate the things you have.

SF

I've been largely silent. A lot going on...not just in my life, but inside my head too.  It's Friday night and I'm in San Francisco.  Yeah, maybe at 8:18 p.m. I should be out partying, but I'm a smart single traveler.  I try not to put myself in situations that may be difficult to extract myself from.

However, I did take the trolley to and from Fisherman's Wharf today.  What a fracking blast!!!  I met some people and the really cool thing is that if they're not from SF, they're friendly as hell.  A nice Italian guy took my picture on the trolley and then I had some fun walking and visiting shops on the Wharf.  I visited a knife shop (need to replace my knife that I gave up) and I think I found a suitable replacement.

Also found a hot sauce shop that carried my "Ring of Fire"...Oh yeah Baby!!!  After that, it was checking out the sea lions, and having some serious seafood fix.  I've been good on my budget, but I knew I'd have some fun on the Wharf.

After that, it was some fun riding on the Trolley car home (back to the resort) and FaeeTiming with my buddy D.

All and all, this was a great trip.  I have so many exciting things to bring back to work and to use in the future.  I had fun in the City of SF..Love to visit...never want to live here.  Met some cool people. Did a lot of walking. Yes, I have firm buttocks! And the wheel keeps turning round and round.  I think I'll head home tomorrow.  I have my room until Sunday, but what's the point? I've done what I've wanted to do, eaten what I've wanted to eat and seen what I wanted to see.

I'm getting pretty good at doing things on my own. Not sure what the future will bring and who it will bring, but life is short.  No matter what, I'll take it as it comes and deal with it on a "case by case" basis. I think I handled myself pretty well, and no one Effed with me, so by my count..I'm doing great! G'nite peeps.

Good News

So I got the results back today.  Seems I'm in the clear.  Will have to go back in 6 months to be retested again, but I dodged a bullet and I'm happy about it.

I'm just feeling a little spent.  I should be happier, but I think I'm just tired and worn out. It's no ones fault but my  own.  Keeping busy helps me to not think about the things I don't want to.  But there's so much to do...in the yard; in the house; at work; etc.  Someone reminded me that it's not my responsibility to solve all the problems of the world..true, but sometimes, if I know I can help, I feel better doing it than not.  Know what I mean?

I do have to have boundaries and I've been getting better at the personal ones. I'm pretty great at the work ones. I do have problems with people who don't bother to take my advice for the past 9 months and only want to bitch about it.  They're feeling a level of desperation but they're not using their ability to find the tools and help they desperately need. I really feel for them, but there's not much I can do.  What do you do if someone doesn't really want to help themselves?  Or maybe they do.

Tired....

My brother has been going through a lot lately. He now has temporary custody of my Nephew and his step-daughter who's 14.  Seems her Mother has been allowing her to have a sexual relationship with a 20 year old, and supplying her alcohol. WTF???  Has this world gone crazy?

He's going to have to change jobs because he has a job that has him up at 2 am and home by 8 pm. He needs to be home to take the kids to school and pick them up. He now has to file 3 different lawsuits to arrange permanent custody, so he's retained a lawyer and it's gonna cost.  The last of my savings will be leaving tomorrow.  Things are going to get a little tight.  It is what it is.

I had my colposcopy done today.  I'm still feeling a little yickky, but it'll pass.  I was surprised because my doc said my last colposcopy was done in 2005.  I remember the one in 97 (the infamous DMV episode), but forgot about that one.  Guess I've been having issues for awhile. Damn the bad luck.  Ah well...with a little luck, everything will be ok.

Tomorrow, I need to go by my Mom's house and help her clean.  I'm still working on my own crib.  I guess hard work never ends, does it.  I have hair all over the damn house.  I changed my sheets last night and there was hair under the pillows.  Very frustrating.  However, I could swear that I lost just a little bit less hair this morning...but I'll keep my optimism in check...just in case.

Ok..I'm tired.  I'm headed for bed. G'nite peeps.

Taking the Good with the Bad

It's been a hell of a week.  First with the Dr. appts, news about the hair loss, 4 birthdays, new phone, transferring the old phone to the Niece and challenges to the love life... One woman at work said she wanted to be me because I'm always doing something. Quite frankly, I'm tired, which was the whole point anyway.

I had a heck of a time wiping the old phone and setting it up for my Niece, but she's happy as a clam and already face timing and texting her Auntie up a storm.  I gave her my brand new ear buds from my new iPhone, but she says they don't work on her phone. Hmmm...that I find unusual.  Like to test that out, and I should've before they left. Ah well.

I got most of the blood work back and my Kidneys are back to normal, my iron is a little low and my cholesterol a little high.  I started taking more specialized vitamins for my hair loss and low iron.  But the real news didn't come till Friday evening...just before 5.

Seems my pap smear came back abnormal.  Remember, this happened once before in 96/97. So, I have to go back in for a colposcopy...yeah, I'm not happy about it. This is where they go in with a big fat needle and numb my Uterine wall, take a tissue sample, etc.  Not happy about it, and while it is not the time to start worrying about cancer and all that other stuff, it is still scary.  I know 3 people battling cancer right now, and just lost a friend a couple of months ago.  Your mind can't help but jump to conclusions. I was lucky last time, so I have to hold to that and just hope I have one of those things that test abnormally.  UGH!!!

Note to self...Don't forget to pop a couple of pain pills ahead of time. Oh, and buy some grannie panties...don't think I have any.  FRACK! Welcome to 50!

Thoughts Racing 'Round My Balding Head

Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but let's just say...lighter head.  I noticed today, as the wind was blowing my hair around that the weight of my head/hair is much lighter.  Although most people still haven't noticed (which is good), I can now finish showering, drying and styling my hair in under 50 minutes. I used to take me at least 30 to 40 minutes just to blow dry my hair.  The whole showering, drying and styling was about 1 and a quarter to 1 and a half hours.  Good and bad.

The job is going ok, but I'd like things on my project to be progressing faster.  One of the things I'm practicing is...patience.  Yeah, not one of my strong points, but a valuable lesson. On a good note, everything is done, and I'll be on my way to Oracle Open World at the end of the month.  I booked my timeshare last year in SF in the hopes that I'd be able to go this year, so I'm really excited.

Last year the hotel cost was $330 a night, which I paid half of.  I got that price only because I booked early.  The closer to the convention start the higher the prices, up too $1200 a night!!!  So last year I booked the timeshare.  I figured, if I don't get to go next year, I could rent the timeshare and make money, vacation that week and not attend or cancel it early enough and not get a penalty.  So, this is pretty cool.  Moscone Center is walking distance from the timeshare, so I'm in the heart of everything.  Totally worth it.

I signed up for some killer classes, i.e. cloud, mobile, public sector, women's conference....It'll be so awesome!  This is a rare thing in State Service, so I'm really lucky and blessed. Since I have the Timeshare for a week, and I have Friday off...I'm spending 3 days just having fun in the City!  The only drawback???  I'm by myself.  Not that it would stop me or anything, but San Francisco is a city to be shared with someone special.  Ah well.

So many things going on...can you believe??? 4 fracking birthdays in 1 week.  Exhausting!  My wallet has taken such a huge it these past 2 months.  Ah well.  Tomorrow I pick up my new phone and repurpose my old one for my Beanster!  Let's Roll!!!

Hmmm

Found out that I'm going to lose my favorite Doctor in 66 days. I've been with him for the last 16 years and he's going to retire.  I really don't know what I'd do without him. He was there for all of the infertility drama, divorce drama, etc. And now he's retiring.  I'm broken hearted.

He did, however, offer me some insight on my hair loss...not what I wanted to hear, but more informed then the other doctor I saw last week.  He said that the Mudder probably pushed my body physically, so I'm reacting by shedding my hair.  He said it would last for 4 to 6 months, then the growth would kick in.  I asked.."Am I gonna be bald?" He said that "No, you'll have short hair". Hmmmm  do you know how long it told to grow what I've got?  Not what I needed to hear.  But, it is what it is.  My ego has taken a hit.

Could be because of the issues I'm having with Men at the moment. My faith is a little shaken that I'll find what I'm looking for and be happy.  I get that I chose this, but men these days seem to be so high maintenance.

In the meantime, I had fun this past weekend.  I was treated to a wine tour and lunch at Chevy's on the river. I was treated to VIP treatment at the Sammy Hagar concert in Roseville (free food and beer in the VIP section), a special acoustical jam at the Bar and Grill afterward.  I got to spend time with R's cousin N.  She's a hoot!

Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.  I'm just missing a little sugar.

Losing It

I'm losing my hair.  I've always had the thickest hair around. How thick? Well, one time, while it was french braided, someone put an ice cube on top of the braid at the top of my head. 15 minutes later, everyone was commenting that I must be drunk because I didn't notice the ice. but when we felt under the braid..the moisture hadn't sunk through.

Ever since Tough Mudder, my hair has been coming out in massive amounts (at least to me). No one notices because my hair is so thick.  But this morning, as I was combing through my hair after the shower...using an extremely wide tooth comb...a big amount came out.  Enough to really scare me.  Is it stress related?  Did I stress out my body with Tough Mudder and haven't recouped yet?  I don't know.

To top it off, I have some pigmentation issues with  my skin that's freaking me out. White circles that stand out against my olive complexion skin.  When the sun gets to it, they turn red...they don't tan.  That scares me too.  So I've scheduled a doctor appointment for the day after I get back.  I just feel like the hits keep coming.

For every accomplishment I'm making, there's something else setting me back. Now with the sensor, brakes on the car, tree removal, car insurance, etc...money is flying out the window and my cash reserve is about gone.  Not good. I'm about sick of men, and although a good friend volunteered to meet me in Tennessee for the wedding, so I'd have someone with me for my 50th...I'm so sick of men, I just don't want any encumbrances.

On the other hand, I've completed the Mudder...my Goal for 50.  I turn 50 in a couple of days, I have good friends including the one willing to drive 4 hours to spend my birthday with me. I'm going to Oracle Open World, which I didn't expect my work send me, and although my project is delayed, I have a great team.

Time to suck it up!

A New Week...

I had a fabulous weekend with my Niece.  We did our yearly roller coaster riding, this time at Great America, and rode the water slides there in their water park as well.  There's something freeing about not worrying what you look like or how wet your hair is.  Yes, I walked around the water park in my bathing suit, and I wasn't hiding.  My Niece was proud to be with me, and I walked like I was the best damned Auntie in the universe...well, I am the best damned Auntie in the Universe.

Now it's time for another week. I have a list a mile long of things to do. And I still have to shop for a nice summer dress for a wedding. Everything is Go, Go, Go. Yeah, I get that I planned it that way, but I could use a bit of a breather. Don't see that happening in the near future.

I could really use some Cabo time.  Just a beach, sand, margarita, tangy salt air, warm sun and friendly people.  I need to dance.  It's been awhile and I could use some Enrique Iglesias, a sarong, a tee and some sweat!  There's always something, someone, some issue.  I'm getting a little tired.

Not to mention that my Sister and I had words today (that was not unexpected). I wish I could be that big sister that she looks up to, but I'm always going to be competition. I'm always going to be the enemy. I'm always going to be 7 years older and an ocean of difference between us. I would like to be friends, but that's never going to happen. It wears on my soul at times.

Ah well.  I'm headed to bed peeps. I hope you had a great weekend and I hope the next week will be fun as well.

Blonde or Brunette?

I am a lot smarter than you take me for....No disrespect to true blondes, or smart dyed blondes.  You think you can feed me the same story with a different twist and I don't know any different?  You think that I've fallen for your line because I nod my head and smile?  You think that because it worked in the past that it will work now? Really???  Did it work??? Just because you think so, doesn't make it reality.

You need to worry.  If you were smart, you'd be sweating right now.  A real, smart woman doesn't show all of her cards just because you smile and say nice things. A real, smart woman is going to hold the Royal Flush close to her chest and wait...wait till the right moment. The moment when you can't hide, you can't pull a bullshit story out of your ass and expect her to buy it.

And by the way Moron...This is the woman you want in your corner. She is the woman that will always have your back.  She has a global perspective and works tirelessly to make sure her man's 6 is covered. She is the woman that doesn't bother you with worthless, froufrou shit.  She is the woman with a backup plan and thinks of you as the "other half" of an unbeatable team.  This is the woman that, when the chips are down, will die for you and anyone else she gives her heart to 100%.

But you are so short-sighted, so jaded that you can't see the gift standing in front of you.  You are pissing away any chance of ever having that one treasure that you can die knowing that you couldn't have done any better.

What you don't realize is that this woman realizes that life is short. She knows that if a man can't appreciate what she has to offer, there is another man out there that will.  She's been through this before. She's had men that didn't realize what was standing in front of them until it was too late and she was gone. And while a piece of her heart might be gone with each of the special men that had their chance, she knows that there will be one man that does know, appreciate and treasures her.

Oh, I'm sorry....you think I'm standing around waiting for you to come to your senses?  Well, yeah..I am....but I'm not waiting alone.  I'm exploring my options. I'm having fun.  I'm reviewing the younger and the smarter alternatives out there. I've got my Girlies, my Guy friends...and my GUY friends to keep me busy. I have goals that I'm out there accomplishing and I'm not letting anyone..including YOU stop me.

And for anyone else reading this...I'm well aware of other things done in the name of looking out for me and protecting me. Don't sell me short and think that this is acceptable and that "what I don't know won't hurt me".  I do know, and I'm pissed off and I do hurt. If you have my back, trust that I will make the right decisions for myself, or I will learn a valuable lesson.  Doing things behind my back only make me question and mistrust you..and you are not the one I want to be mistrusting.

Now that I have had my say (it is my Blog after all), no questions and no comments.

Sister

Ok, now the story.... First a list of the players...

My Cousin by Marriage "S"
My Sister "H"
My Grandmother by Marriage "HG" (she is the bio Grandma to Cousin and Sister)
The AntiChrist "AC" who is the father of Sister, Evil ex-Step father to Me, Uncle to Cousin, Son of Grandmother and Brother to Aunts "K" and "C"
Aunt "K" is the mother to Cousin "S", Daughter of Grandmother "HG", Brother of AntiChrist and Sister "C"
Sister "C"...well, you get it
And last but not least....Uncle J...Dad of Cousin S, Husband of Aunt K, Brother in law to AntiChrist and Aunt C, Son in law to Grandmother HG, and Uncle to Sister H

Last week, HS was hospitalized. She's 93.  She had a bladder infection and dehydration. My Cousin S called me to tell me about it.  As a matter of fact, we were talking about it that Wednesday morning..how she was getting older and not be surprised if she ended up in the hospital.

So I told my Cousin I would be there after work. She's been through a lot with her Mom, Aunt K being in the hospital for the entire month of December and going through her own journey.  Now with her Grandma HG in the hospital...well, it's a lot for one person to bear. So I go to the hospital and they're still in Emergency since 10:30 a.m.  Aunt K is getting tired so I volunteer to stay with Grandma HG until she gets situated in a room and fed.  This doesn't happen till around 9 p.m., but we had ourselves a hell of a singsong and I learned some new and interesting things about this woman.

After I left the hospital, I called my Cousin to let her know all was well, and update her on the current situation. The next morning I send a text to my boy to let him know that his Great Grandma was in the hospital, but that she's ok and she'll be out soon.  As a courtesy, I texted my sister to let her know because if she found out the boy knew and she wasn't told, it would become a serious issue.

The next update comes from my Cousin.  Apparently, my sister was at the hospital to visit, and brought roses.  When she walks in, she sees my cousin and says hello.  Then proceeds to say hello to Aunt K, but she calls her Aunt C.  Aunt K corrects her.  After the niceties are dispensed with, my sister proceeds to tell my (Her biological) Cousin that she doesn't feel that it's right that she's informed of  Grandma's condition by a "Third Party".  She then proceeds to regale cousin S with the sordid tale of her bad, mean, rotten sister (ME) keeping from her the fact that her favorite Uncle in the whole world had passed away,...they were so close, and since her mean sister (Me) would do something like that, Cousin S needs to make sure that she informs my sister directly of anything happening in the family.

SIDEBAR - Yes, there was an incident. But what happened was this "uncle" had passed away like three years before I found out. When I did find out, I happened to mention it to my sister and mother. My sister became unglued that I hadn't informed her.  I told her that:
1.  I didn't know he'd passed away 3 years earlier
2.  That this was her side of the family and was not my responsibility to keep her informed
3.  That if she wants to know what's going on on her side of the family, maybe she should keep in touch, and
4.  Her own father knew of the uncles passing and didn't tell her. So if she's gonna be pissed, be pissed at him!

Back to the story - So Cousin told her that she hadn't informed anyone in the family and that the reason why I was called was not for Grandma HS...but for her, as her support.  After the course of the visit, both Cousin S and Aunt K asked my sister not to mention that Grandma HS was in the hospital to her father, the AntiChrist. They needed more information, and he's in no condition to drive and worry about something he can't change. So let's wait till we know more information.  My sister agrees and then leaves.

Next thing my Cousin knows...she's getting a call from her Mother that evening.  The AntiChrist has called her and demanded to know her daughter S's relationship to me.  Are we close? Do we do things together?  Why do I know whats going on with HG before his own daughter does?  She's upset and confused by the barrage of questioning that the AntiChrist has unleashed on his own sister.  Cousin is upset! Is it not enough that she's dealing with her Grandma, and her Mom, but now she has to deal with this shit? She texts me to let me know what's going on and breaks down the story for me.

Wait a sec...I refused to tell my sister about her favorite beloved Uncle passing away???  I call my Cousin and remind her..."Do you remember about me telling you about this?  THIS IS YOUR DAD SHE'S TALKING ABOUT...UNCLE J!!!"  WTF???  She is royally pissed now!  She says "You didn't know my Dad died till after the fact.  We weren't talking and when we finally connected, and I told you, you were heartbroken.  You loved my Dad.  She was never around...didn't know where we lived, never called or anything!  How could this be her favorite, beloved Uncle?"  She remembered me telling her about the situation, and now she's even more pissed off!  She vows to call my sister the next day.

The next morning, I call my boy and tell him "My telling your Mother about Great Grandma HS has unleashed a shit storm, so from here on out...because you're my Son, I will tell you everything. But I will no longer tell your mother anything.  She's ruined whatever nice gestures I'd do for her in the future.  While I will not involve you with the details, just know that if you choose to pass on the information to her, that will be your choice...not mine.  If Cousin S wants to tell your mother anything, she will do it, not me.  Ok?"  He agreed and said that he understood.

Cousin calls sister and asks if she has a moment to talk to her.  Sister says yes and asks if Cousin needs help with Grandma.  Cousin says no..the reason she's calling is to find out why Sister lied to her and her Aunt and told her father (the AntiChrist) about Grandma HS.  My sister said that she felt that her Dad had a right to know about his mother.  Cousin says "If that's the case, why didn't you just tell us that you would do that...and why would tell your Dad about "Dizzy" (Me) knowing about HS before you?  She then informs my sister about the shit storm unleashed on her mother by the AntiChrist and how her Mothers health isn't that great and should not be exposed to the barrage that her Dad put her through.  My sister makes excuses and says that her Dad had a right to know.  My Cousin tells her that she wanted to believe my sister has changed, but now realizes that it's not the case...she's as self-centered as always. My sister gets indignant and asks my cousin if she's called to "bitch her out or have a calm conversation"?  My cousin replies..."No, I pretty much called to bitch you out".  Cousin then points out the obvious to her....If it wasn't all about you (my sister), you would've called your Dad and told him about his mother..and that's it!  You would've never mentioned your sister (me, Dizzy), and the fact that she knew before you.  Once again...it's all about you, and not our Grandma!  It get's heated and swear words are flying.

The fun part of this is...Cousin never had a chance to call sister out on her "Beloved Uncle" story.  So my sister has NO idea that everyone knows she's full of shit.  She has NO idea that the beloved Uncle that she's told everyone her sister has deprived her of the information....is the father to her cousin, whom she told this crap story to.  I wonder what's going to happen when she finds out that she's outed herself on her lies.  Hmmmm...  I don't know, but hold on to your asses, cuz this is gonna get really good!!!

Something tells me that I'm going to do a bit of suffering between my Niece and I over this, but it won't last long.  My sister is smart enough to realize that if she tries to keep my Niece from me, she's old enough to know what's going on and resent her mother for it. She can't afford to lose yet another child over her stupid decisions...after all, she lost the first two.

Stay tuned for the next episode of "As Dizzy's World Turns".

Mudder or Sister

Not sure which to blog about first...the Mudder or the Sister.  Although the shit hit the fan with the sister....I think I'm going to blog about Mudder first.

Ok, so I get up on Tough Mudder day and put on sunscreen, choose my clothes, pack an extra set of clothes, check oil, water and windshield wiper fluid, etc. Pick up two large PowerAide drinks and head out into the sunset.  I get to Rocklin and the engine starts acting funky.  Kind of choking...Uh Oh!!!  I'm close to my Girlie's "K's" crib, so I pull in and start calling..trying to figure out what to do. K comes walking up and we're chatting. She offers me her Honda Civic to drive to the Tough Mudder at Northstar Tahoe.  What???  I really want to accept, but that's a huge favor. On the other hand...this is the goal before I turn 50. How bad do I want this?  I accept and head out.

Yeah, I'm running late, and my start time is 12:20 p.m.  I get there and have to do some creative parking due to the lot being full. After that, it's total chaos.  Gotta get my number and my wrist bands...one is for a free beer and the other matches my bib number. Then I have to ride a chairlift to the Mudder Village. Check in my gear and get ready.

Needless to say, nothing ever goes as expected.  I missed my original start time, but I'm in the warm up area.  By the time we did warm up and get started...there's a second start area. We don't actually get on the mountain till about 2 p.m.  We're jogging downhill and I keep my pace extremely slow, knowing I've got 10 miles of this shit, but not knowing that it's 10 miles of 2850 vertical feet.  WTF??? We jog about 3 quarters of a mile downhill and then it is all up hill.  OMG...I'm wheezing like an SOB, snot running down my nose, heart racing....basically I have 5 miles of uphill climbing to go before I can begin to go downhill...not to mention the obstacles coming up.

Climb over walls, slide thru tubes into muddy water, jump into a mud pit that has 8 mud walls to climb over.  Thank God the Mudder spirit is about helping others because without a partner, I couldn't get over those walls. Fortunately for me, a couple came along that helped me.  When she'd boost me up, I'd stand on the top and lift her up. Total teamwork. Then I make the mistake of trying to wipe the snot from my face with a muddy hand....great.

Onward and upward. It's getting really hard and people are passing me. No worries there, but I start seeing dark spots and feeling like I'm gonna black out. NO!  I don't have time for this!  I start chanting to myself "Marcus Luttrell"  over and over.  Unfortunately, I don't realize I'm talking out loud, so this group coming up on me asked what I was chanting.  I told them, and they asked why.  So I said "If Marcus Luttrell can drag himself through mountainous territory with a broken back to escape those effing terrorists out to kill him, I can damn well get my ass up this effing mountain". They looked at me for a second, and said "Yes, you can".

I won't lie peeps, there were about 3 occasions where I thought to myself "It's time to pack it in"...but the thought of giving up and DA not wearing the outfit I had in mind drove me onward. By the time I hit mile 6, I started going downward.  My calves were cramping, my ass ached, but I had no idea how difficult downhill could be.  It was all loose ground, so I had to step carefully, which engaged my knees.  By mile 8, my knees were aching. They saved the Arctic Enema for the last 3 miles, so you jump into a vat of ice water, dive under the barrier and come up the other side. That wasn't so bad.

For me the hardest one was the electrical shock at the end. All the teams lined up and linked arms.  We had to traverse this net of electrical wires hanging down and tromp through the mud to the end, which was about 30 feet away.  So I lined up and I'm by myself.  I get to the front and am going next, when these two guys came up and asked me if I was alone.  I said yes, and they said "Not anymore".  They linked their arms with mine and asked me if I wanted to run or what.  After watching, I realized that the ones that ran, slipped in the mud and fell and were in the pit longer, so I said "let's just walk fast". They agreed and off we went.  The first shock that hit hurt and I could feel my muscles spasm. It's a snap kind of pain and then the shock hits you.  I kept my head down and kept moving because I was not going to bring these two wonderful good-looking guys down with me. We were almost to the end when the shock made my right calf spasm and I felt it cramp and I stumbled.  I didn't go down, but I let out a silent plea to God, "please let that be the last one cuz I don't think my calf will withstand another". He heard me. It was done.

I completed the Tough Mudder in around 5 hours....yeah, I know, I wasn't that fast, but I did it! They put the band around my head, and a beer in my hand! WooHoo!!!  Then it was off to the open showers.  Damned cold at 7 p.m. in higher elevations!  I did what I needed to do, collected my stuff and headed home.

After swapping the Civic for my truck, I ended up at home around 11 p.m. Jumped in the shower to rinse off all the mud in the places you can't see and then soaked in the tub. I ended up in my awesome, fantastic bed around 12:20 a.m. and I was OUT!!!

The next day I basically stayed on the down low. My muscles hurt so I was walking like a damned drunk zombie. I basically let people know I was alive, but didn't really talk to anyone because I was so out of it.  The only person I did FaceTime with was DA.  We did three shots of tequila that evening to celebrate. His advice really helped me finish. Ah well.

Today, I took the day off of work to get my truck fixed.  Thought it might be really expensive. Turned out to be a sensor that cost me $230 to fix. Thank God, cuz this weekend is roller coasters with the Niece! Off to bed for me.  Gotta work tomorrow.  G'nite peeps!

A Week

Almost a week since I last blogged.  Sorry about that. I have a lot going on. Trying to get ready for Mudder, and I spent the weekend in Tahoe for the Slash/Aerosmith concert.  I got some fabulous pictures, some much needed relaxation and sun, great food and drink.  What more can a girl ask for?

Well, she can ask for the moon. And it was a full moon by the way. It seems the more I walk away from men, the more they come back like a boomerang.  I'm not going to get into details because I've learned that I need to keep the love-interest stuff close to the vest. But it's just interesting that the more you don't give a shit and just let it go, they sense that this is it, and they're not happy with that.

And no, I don't just mean one...I mean three.  Three men are reacting the exact same way when I basically throw up my hand and give up. Why do I have to get to a point where I'm ready to swear off men before they wake up and realize that maybe I might be the woman for them?  Are they trying to make it difficult for me?

Well, I'm home until the Mudder.  I just cooked up some meat for the next batch of spaghetti sauce. The first crockpot went to JP because he had his knee replaced and won't be going out for meals.  The second batch is for KV. She lost her MIL and will be busy with family and won't have time to cook.  It's kind of selfish really....I love to cook and it keeps my mind off of things.

Anyway...time to wrap this up and head to bed.  Gotta be up and exercising.  I've given up alcohol and caffeine for the next week to prep my body.  Now I gotta get Gatorade (I hate that stuff) and build up the electrolytes in my system.  Yeah, I don't expect to do all that great, but I do expect to finish. Wish me luck.

The Choice to be Happy!

I spoke with someone today who chooses to be mad, angry, bitter.  Does she have a right to be? Absolutely!  However, she made the comment that she'll never smile again and that "Evil has won the day".  I told her that it's ok to be angry, to wallow in your misery...however, sooner or later she has a choice to make...the choice to be Happy!

We all do.  We make choices everyday.  Imagine my surprise to discover I have the choice to not be miserable, and get out of a bad marriage.  Imagine my surprise to discover that I have the choice to be alone, or the choice to share my life with someone.

Every day, we are confronted with choices. They are difficult, they can break your heart, but once you make them...you can make new choices, ones that will make you happy; ones that can make others happy.  I am making choices right now. I am choosing to stand up for myself. I am choosing to draw lines in the sand. I am choosing to be more discrete. I am choosing to be vocal.

Don't get me wrong.  If I choose to be unhappy, it is because of the choices I made.  Yes, I made the choice to stay in my marriage far too long. I made the choice to overeat and gain weight. Granted, there's a ton of other things that go into those decisions...but the bottom line is I have to take responsibilities for my choices.  And I do.  I've made BAD choices. But I learn every day. And hopefully, God willing, I'm getting smarter.  However I will continue to make mistakes and bad choices...and I will make good ones too.

So I can listen to you for awhile while you're upset and angry...but just know...sooner or later I will choose to cut you off and not listen, because I will choose to be around happy people, and you will need to choose what you want to be.

Skinny Girl - Drink Like A Lady?

I resent the whole "Skinny Girl" line of drinks...wine, drink mixes, etc.

     Number one...in my opinion..they SUCK.  They really taste like crap.  No amount of torture would ever force me to drink them. I don't care how fat I get drinking real drinks.

     Number two...You're implying that if I'm not skinny...I'm not a Lady.  Really?

     Number three..."Drink Like a Lady"...How does a Lady drink?  If I belt back a shot of whiskey, does that make me less of a Lady?  If I have a top shelf margarita, does that make me less of a Lady? Oh, if I consume calories...I'm not a Lady???

"Skinny Girl' preys on every person's phobia that perhaps they're just not good enough so perhaps if I drink these sucky drinks and lose a couple of pounds, I'll be a better person.  They prey on the definition of a Lady.  I'm sorry, but each woman will define "Lady" for herself.  Do you hear me Ladies???  Let me repeat that...

YOU WILL DEFINE THE WORD "LADY" FOR YOURSELF!!!

No one in this world will define it for you.  You can be a voluptuous, whiskey belting Lady, You can be a very thin Merlot sipping Lady, You can be an athletic, water sipping lady.  I know for me, I won't compromise on taste...so if I have to work out to have a good tasting glass of wine, or a top self drink, that's what I'm going to do.  The same thing applies to food.

I used to buy all of the low calorie stuff thinking that was the way to go, but the crap they put in it usually isn't healthy. Don't get me wrong..I look at labels now and some low calorie things I will eat.  But I got rid of Splenda, I don't use margarine, I eat more fruits and vegetables.  But I also eat the fun stuff.  I eat chips and salsa, Cheezy poofs, popcorn, etc.  I just try to do it on the weekends and eat the appropriate amounts. I think the key thing I learned is...I am unique and what works for someone else, doesn't necessarily work for me....and vice versa.

You are unique and what defines you doesn't necessarily define anyone else.  So you get to choose what makes you "you"; what makes you a Lady....and it sure the hell isn't some sucky tasting line of alcoholic beverages that makes you feel bad before you even crack open the bottle!!!

Who Filled Up My Dance Card???

It seems like I have activities going on forever.  Tonight it's Brad Paisley/Randy Houser Concert and a BBQ tomorrow. Next weekend it's Tahoe and Slash/Aerosmith concert.  Weekend after that is Tough Mudder. And then Roller Coasters with the Niece.  I might get a break after that, but then I fly to Tennessee, and the following weekend will be my Nieces birthday.

I'm feeling confident and I like that I'm not bored.  The love life is going ok, but it is also a roller coaster.  These guys can never seem to be straightforward.  They're always conflicted and one second it's all out fun and adventure...and the next second they're not sure what's going on.  Whatever!!!

Tonight, I'm wearing a watermelon crochet halter sun dress, boots and a cowboy hat for the concert.  I'm gonna have some serious fun.

Tomorrow morning, I need to get down to some serious business and finish making some drafts of the graduation announcement for a friend.  The pictures are really cool and I'm looking forward to seeing what the finished product will be.

I'll write again tomorrow night.  Right now, I'm gonna get my boy band fix on and get ready to roll.

Thankful

Today was a busy day!!  We had someone celebrate their 25 year anniversary with the State, so we celebrated with punch, cake and stuff.  We got to meet her family...they all came to see her get a plaque and clock.  It was a lot of fun.

Then I attended a retirement luncheon and met up with SW3.  She knows him.  It was a lively group and was fun to just relax and bid a fond farewell to a man that has worked on a couple of my project teams.  He's a cool guy and will be missed.

I headed home to meet up with a co-worker and her daughter. They had never seen the house and I had promised to help her, etc. It was so cool.  This co-worker is one of the few people that know just about everything about me. I wish I could describe the feeling I had, but she is a ray of sunshine and always brings smiles and good feelings when I'm around her.

Do you sometimes get the feeling that the future is ever changing and fluid? I'm totally into Florida Georgia Line's song Dirt.  It just brings up these feelings of past and future.  I don't know.  But I'm thankful for what I've been given, for what I've had, what I do have. Sometimes I forget to be thankful. I get caught up in the day-to-day, the bills, the job, the heart...and I forget to just stop for a second and close my eyes and give thanks for what I have. I must be more diligent about that.

Compliment

I received the nicest compliment today.  I was walking through the parking lot at work.  I got really close to the door, when a rude blonde woman with a rolling work bag cut in front of me because she was in such a hurry to get to the door.  Had she let me get to the door first, I would’ve opened the door for her and she wouldn’t have wasted her momentum (whatever). So she goes off, through the cafeteria in such a hurry. 

I’m a little behind her.  She badges through and I’m up next.  I badge in and I say “Good Morning, how are you today?” to the Security Guard.  She looks at me and says “Honey, you just made my day”.  I laugh and ask her why and she says that the woman ahead of me (the Blonde) badged in, was rude, had a mean look on her face, and when the Security Guard wished her a “Good Morning” said nothing as she breezed past.  She looks at me and says “You say Good Morning to me every morning and ask how I am…even before I ask you.  And you wait to hear my answer because you really want to know.  It makes my day.”  Wow.  She made me feel so good.  But I’m a little sad to think that so many people breeze past each other every day…the same people…and miss the treasures that are staring them in the face.

I work with some amazing people and they’re janitors, cafeteria workers, cashiers, etc.  One lady “A” takes a month off every year and visits her family in Mexico. Another gentleman “E” has seen me around the building for 15 years and we talk about his two daughters (he’s very proud…they’re both college graduates), his ailments (he had eye surgery not long ago) and life in general as he’s emptying the trash cans around here. He says that in the 15 years that he’s known me, that I haven’t changed one bit in my looks. Can you tell he’s a sweetheart and one of my favorites?

We rush around in our day-to-day lives and forget that there are so many around us that contribute to our wellbeing.  I remember in my 20’s…I was in the workplace (different company) and someone had asked if I knew the name of the person who dumped my trash every day.  I didn’t…and I didn’t like that I didn’t know. It bothered the crap out of me. I vowed that would never happen again, and I make it a point to who that person is and a little about them. I’m really glad that I do because I’m blessed with really cool people that are thoughtful and caring….and I know them!!! How lucky is that?

After I got home though...all hell broke loose.  Needed to leave and help someone move.  I'm up way past my bedtime.  Ah well.  G'nite my friends!

Jesse Ventura vs Chris Kyle

Jesse Ventura won his defamation case against Chris Kyle.  But did he win?  Kyle is dead and therefore his testimony (face to face) is unavailable.  There are opinions on both sides as to whether or not there was a fight between the two of them.  But I feel that Jesse lost far more than he bargained for. 

From the sofrep website:  "Lots of lessons can be learned from Jesse’s lawsuit. The main takeaway is that family should be off limits; if you have an issue with a teammate then take it behind the proverbial mil van (Navy talk for behind the woodshed), and don’t drag uninterested parties involved.

Read more: http://sofrep.com/36086/truth-jesse-venturas-navy-seal-status/#ixzz38vFSZqX3"
He may have won 1.8 million dollars and vindication, but he lost the Brotherhood of the SEALs.  Which is more important? He pissed on what the SEALs believe in, and therefore lost them.  With them goes the court of public opinion.  He lost his good name because he sued Kyle's widow and the Estate (he added Kyle's widow after Kyle's death).  Whether or not it was to clear his name no longer matters.  And if he thinks to continue his political career...well, I think he could kiss it goodbye. 

Had a heated discussion about it on FB and I just couldn't get the arguers to see my side. They're of the mindset that "right is right".  One of them went so far as to say to me "Well that is a separate issue...Kyle had every chance to come clean...He ruined someone elses life by lying...Dead or alive he needed to be accountable...and he was... Knowing you, you would have never let someone do that to you..."

My reply was "If you knew me, you'd know better. I believe that sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. I would've called the person a liar, I would've put it out there so people could hear my side and I would've let it go after he died. If you really knew me...you'd know that I've had to bite my tongue and suck up shit for the good of certain people who didn't choose to be in the position they were in. Even though I knew certain people had spread lies and positioned themselves to make themselves look great...because I could bear the weight of the shit...and the defenseless could not. I do not regret my choice because Karma has a way of coming around and finishing it for me...and in the end, I got the better part of the deal."

Yes, he truly doesn't know what it's like to let something go for the good of someone else.  I could've sat on my self-righteousness and demanded/proved that the other person was a piece of shit, but the lives/future of children was involved.  And there is no amount of shit I wouldn't eat for them.  

Ventura should've let this go for the sake of Kyle's wife and family...for the sake of the SEALs, he should've been the bigger person, but now the majority of the military family will only see him as someone who picked on a family during a tragedy.  

Again...was it worth it?  Only Jesse can answer that.

Tough Mudder

Signed up for parking today. Tough Mudder is in 3 weeks.  So far, it looks like I'm doing the Mudder alone...and that's ok.  It's indicative of my state of mind, my status.  I'm entering my 50's doing a challenge that I'm not ready for, but like everything else in my life, I'm never really "ready".  I just take it as it comes...just like everyone else does.

I did have a buddy volunteer to be my cheering section, but its kinda silly for her to go so early...and she really wouldn't see me doing the course.  She'd be waiting for my muddy ass at the finish line 2+ hours later.  I appreciate her offer though.  She's a down chick!

So why the hell would I sign up for Tough Mudder?  Why would I pick something hard as my first foray into the world of obstacle courses? I don't know.  I'm thinking the first half century of my life has been a challenge. May as well exit it with a challenge.  If I can do this...there really isn't anything I can't accomplish.  Who knows what the second half of my life will bring.

Right now though, the future is uncertain. My heart is uncertain, but I do know that I'm headed for some killer concerts, skinned knees, roller coasters and love (attending a wedding) before the summer is over.

What a Weekend

It started early Friday morning with texts from the Cowboy. It figures...on Mom's birthday, that's how the day would roll. I won't go into detail about those. But basically I hit the ground running.

Had an awesome visit with my Dentist and kicked some ass...Just 2's and 3's.  I love my Dentist! I'm holding on to my teeth as long as possible.

Visited with my girl Jen.  I absolutely adore her and then prepared for my evening.  It was fun and I had a good time.

Saturday, I made Garlic, Cilantro Lime rice and it turned out really well.  I took it over to my buddies house and we swam, drank and just were just chill. Got home around 12:30 and hit the hay.

My Mom came over for dinner and brought my niece. A surprise...but then she proceeded to crash and I didn't really visit with her at all.  My Niece and I had a great time, but my mom was snoozing forever.

Got an invite from "T" for Friday night, which I had to refuse because I have concert tickets.  I felt really bad because it seems like every time he invites me to do something, I've got plans.  As a matter of fact...my weekends are pretty much booked for the next 5 weeks. I'm purposely keeping myself busy and the really sad thing is...a lot of the activities I have scheduled are for two people! Who do I bring?

I'm also feeling frustrated because due to someone's choices and procrastination, they're going through a really tough time...of their own making.  I think that I shouldn't bail them out because they really need to step up their game and "get it done". But so far, I haven't seen them do what they need to do.  There's always an excuse.  What do I do?  I don't know, but I'd better get to bed since morning comes so quickly.

Maybe I'll wake up and everything will just fall into place....and maybe

The 23rd

Went to visit my Nephew and have lunch with him today.  Its the 3rd anniversary of his passing. I stopped at Lira's in RioVista and picked up a sandwich and water.  We just kinda hung together.  I sang songs (that's what I do) and I talked about where everyone is in their lives...his brother, his sister, etc. As I'm sitting Indian style on the grass, who should pull up...his Mom, his Auntie and his Mom's Boyfriend (he is a really cool guy).  I didn't think I was going to see her, but my Nephew always has a way of bringing us together.

We all hugged, talked, reminisced and just enjoyed each other. His Mom asked if I was up for an Elephant hunt...and of course, I was.  Off we head to Fosters Big Horn for wine and conversation.  She was talking about her guy (yes, he was listening) and how much he loves to dance, music, etc. And I started to cry.  I'm so happy she's happy, but there were other things behind the tears.  She was describing things that I've experienced for the first time and it was painful.  Nothing is ever as you planned and life goes on.

We made plans to get together on August 6th for dinner.  It'll be a bit of a hike for me, so I'll have to get off of work early, but there's no one more worth that than her.  She is the sister I should've been born with, but God brought to me. It's funny how life goes.  I'm just happy the brothers met and got to know each other a bit.

The drive home was hard. However, I talked with D and she updated me on the wedding (yeah...the one on my 50th) and let me know the family details, etc.  It's gonna be a hell of a shindig in Tennessee!!!  We're going Country all the way.  Fireball, tequila (good Lord, am I gonna be able to keep up?  Yes, I'll be eating) and all kinds of great things.  I've got my own cabin, so that'll be awesome.

I was almost home and I received two texts...one from my upcoming date on Friday night and the other from...the Cowboy.  Yeah....I don't know Peeps. I'm just gonna let things roll. I'm not in control, so I have to hope that my Nephew will be my guardian angel and just look over me.

But....

The evening is perfect, I'm listening to great music on the patio, sipping on wine (yeah, I know its a school nite...but we're making an exception), the fan is going.... All in all, I'm doing ok.