Time

So I didn't blog yesterday because I hosted a birthday party for Wife #1 and Wife #3. We had an eclectic group of women and I knew it would go off well because of our personalities.

Wife #1 (W1) has a birthday at the beginning of the year, and that makes it difficult to celebrate.  She always gets short-changed, so it was nice to be able to celebrate her.  Wife #3 (W3) has been through a lot the past few years, so it was just nice to celebrate her and the changes in her life.  I'm Wife #2, just in case you were wondering why I skipped the number.

It happened in Mexico, October 2010.  I was tooling around downtown San Jose Del Cabo with RW, KW and TS.  And RW starts introducing himself as the husband to us 3 wives.  He was VERY well respected among the local Mexican shop owners and we were just having a blast.  It stuck with us. So that's how we refer to ourselves when the 3 or 4 of us are together.

Anywhoooo, We drank and ate and played this frakking crazy game...an adult version of Apples to Apples.  I have got to get that game because it was too funny!  Everything just clicked and we had fun.  I also had chance to clear the air with W1.  I didn't treat her fairly and had kept her in the dark about a couple of things, not necessarily intentionally, but I didn't treat her how I would want to be treated in the same circumstance and that was just wrong of me.

How do I tell her that she is my life and I couldn't imagine life without her in it. She is my sister by choice and that means more to me than anything else because I chose her.  She ranks right there with 2 others (LW and CM) and the three of these ladies have been with me at my worst and my best. I lived with two of them and known the other since Jr. HS. These three ladies have made me who I am and who I'm continually changing to be.

All and all it was a great night.  Now, in the aftermath, I'm feeling time marching over me and feeling very retrospective.  I think it has to do with W1 posting her wedding picture on FB and me realizing that I'm getting frakking old.  I look at that picture and I see my youth and remember the dreams I had and the future I was making for myself.  It didn't quite happen the way I had envisioned. I'm not necessarily filled with regrets or anything (I do have a few, but not too many), I just didn't see myself here, single, living alone, kittyless, but then again I am a homeowner, I have a good job, I need to buckle down financially, but I'm doing ok and will be doing better.

As I type this, I'm sipping my favorite bottle of wine, a Todd Taylor 2010 Reserve Primotivo Blue House, and it is good!!!  It is the best fucking bottle of red wine I've ever had. And I'm holding on to my bottles tightly. I don't know how to describe the mouthful of fruit and chocolate overtones that you taste while sipping it, but OMG!

I'm also thinking a lot of how I want to be perceived.  I heard a phrase said to me twice this week and it's left me quite a bit disconcerted. Two different people said the phrase and in the spectrum of things, they are as different and distant as two people can be.  But they both said the phrase to me, and I'm really weirded out by it.  Maybe it was the order in which I heard it...i.e., first from the person with the least amount of taste, and then from the person I respect.  I know I'm being a bit cryptic, but I can't get into more detail than that.

How do people perceive me?  I had changed my FaceBook picture to one in a previous blog and I keep getting compliments about it. Don't get me wrong, compliments are nice, especially after being the "fat girl" for so long. But I am more than just my looks, and my looks come and go.  I don't always look like the pictures. I'd say 90% of the time, I don't look that way. Yes, I have good skin and a nice smile, but its frakking genetics.  My insides do not match my outsides. I want to be a good person, but most of the time, I'm struggling to see the good in people, so the mean, evil thoughts are there.

I know what it is.  I have a hard time with people telling me I'm beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc. I don't believe them and if they'll lie about that, what else will they lie about? I have a hard time accepting that maybe I can be this person sometimes. But most of all, I am more than those compliments. As time goes by, all of my looks will go, I may lose my teeth, hair, etc. It's going to be what shines inside of me that I will be judged on. I want someone to fall in love with me for what is inside because the outside won't last.  When I was at my heaviest, at least I knew for sure that my friends liked me for what was inside, not the outside.  Now, with the people I meet, I'm just not so sure.

Time.  The hourglass of my life is running out and I need to be careful with what I'm doing with what remains. I don't want to squander time. I want to embrace it, live it, enjoy it, challenge it...make time my bitch!

Ah well, time marches on, and I need to get to bed so I can attempt Vin Diesel tomorrow morning. But as I go, I leave you with the following song quote from Green Day's "The Forgotten".  It speaks to me.


"Don't look away from the arms of a bad dream
Don't look away, sometimes you're better lost than to be seen

Don't look away from the arms of a moment
Don't look away from the arms of tomorrow
Don't look away from the arms of this moment
Don't look away from the arms of love"