I'm Too Sexy....

I had lunch with “RD” today and we had some good Mexican food at El Patron. I think it’s becoming a monthly ritual to meet for lunch and I quite enjoy it.  We catch up and compare notes, talk about our kids, etc. But the jerk is getting into the habit of making me blush…and I hate that!

He pays me compliments on my looks and stuff, but he expects that I have a healthy amount of conceit to go with it. He expects that I KNOW that I’m good looking or have a great body, or that I can attract men etc.  And I don’t see myself in that light. I rather think that I’m like every woman. We have our good days, where we know we’re spot on (or at least feel like we are) and we walk like we rule the world. And we have Medusa days where we’re positive that our face should not be seeing the light of day or anyone unlucky enough to gaze upon us will be turned to stone.

I’ve said it before that I see myself as a “Plain Jane”. I don’t have striking looks or exceptional beauty. I have friends that do, and when I compare myself to them, I’m sadly lacking. But I do have other attributes that, I think, help tip the scales back in my favor.  I’m more of a realist.  Take today for instance.  Yes, I look really nice. I have a nice shorter crochet dress in beige on and it sets off my tanned skin…especially my legs.  I’m wearing beige high heeled pumps which make my legs look even longer. Of course the hair is done and the monkey face paint is on. So, I look pretty good. But when he makes comments and says things about me being able to land any guy, etc.  I see it as someone blowing smoke up my ass, and I start turning red.

I guess it has to do with all of those years of being heavy. It is extremely difficult to see myself as something other than what I was for years…morbidly obese.  And being morbidly obese means you’re pretty much invisible to the outside world….unless there’s a reason for someone to speak to you.  Other than that…you pretty much don’t exist.  So when people say things like I’m beautiful or whatever, it goes in one ear and out the other.  People who’ve been told “You’d be pretty if….” know exactly what I mean.  Granted, I brought it on myself, and I’m working on changing my mindset, but it’s very easy to revert back to what you’re used to…and I’ve been told stuff like that since I was a kid.

My family used to tease me horribly and call me all kinds of names (thunder thighs, whale in the water, etc)…and the worst part is…looking back at the old pictures, I was not fat! It’s only now, as an adult that I realize they did what they did out of their own insecurities, and to deflect the attention of the AntiChrist from themselves to me.  But for YEARS…I believed them.  And some small part of me is always fighting to prove that I am good enough.  Granted, divorce because your ex chose alcohol over you is quite a blow to the ego, and sets a person back a bit, but I left the marriage because I am worth fighting for. Ah, the yin and yang of it all.

I just have to learn to say “Thank you” to the compliments and stop the damned blushing. Every one of us has our insecurities. Every one of us can pick something about ourselves that we’d like to change, or a defect, or whatever. And when we say something to our friends about it, they think we’ve been hiding in the closet with a bottle of Elmers Glue stuck up our nose, huffing away. 

The  great thing is, I think I’m at a point in my life where my perception of myself has changed for the better. And more importantly, my mental opinion of myself has evolved to a point where I don’t need to have the acceptance or the opinion of others to be ok with myself. I’m less concerned with outer beauty and more concerned that my morals, my ethics and my ability to be a worthy friend will make me dazzlingly gorgeous on the inside.  So much so, that no one will care what I look like on the outside.

Ultimately, the man I’m looking for will be compelled to be with me because he finds the attributes on the inside so stunning that he can’t live without me.  That those attributes bring joy, meaning, fun and security to his life and a day without them would be like a day without sunshine. Isn’t that what we’re all really looking for?

So RD…my final parting words are…Stop looking at my ass!  It’s all love!