Momentary Funk

I'm in a bit of a momentary funk.  It'll be gone tomorrow, but I'm a bit retrospective tonight. I'm thinking about things lost and mistakes made. I'm thinking about disappointing my BFF and how I can never get that moment back and do it over. I'm wondering if I'm worthy. Worthy of having great friends, worthy of finding a great love....

Some time back, I made a huge mistake. It was just after I had made the decision to divorce (the husband and I were already separated) and I attended a party at a friends house.  I proceeded to drink far too much.  There are many reasons for it..., i.e.

1. Finally realizing that I'm not going back and this is a forever decision,
2. Being deathly afraid that the ex is right and that I can't make it on my own,
3. Having the guy in front of me that wanted me at 16...and still does,
4. Just being plain stupid.

I had made virgin margaritas for the "under 18 ladies" that were in attendance earlier in the evening.  But as the evening wore on, I apparently mixed real margaritas for these girls (at the permission of their parents), but I just flat out don't remember doing it. I'm not a fan of underage drinking at parties. Now, if a parent wants to allow drinking in their own home, that's their business...but at parties, there's just too much going on. Normally, I wouldn't have done that...if their parents want to mix the drinks and give it to their kids, then that's their business.  But being as drunk as I was, I apparently was mix master extraordinaire, and that is so not cool. 

It really doesn't matter whether or not I remember what happened...the bottom line is that I lost control and that's something I hate to do. My loss of control could've seriously hurt a kid, and I'm still sick to my stomach to this day about it. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't. I not only endangered kids, but I lost the respect of my BFF. There's not many people's opinions that I care about. I can probably count them on one hand. Hers is one. 

I should've never even gone to this party knowing how vulnerable I was and knowing that I'd want to drink myself silly. But my lapse of judgement had some far reaching affects.  I'm just thankful that no one was seriously hurt...but emotionally, one person was, and I just can't take it back, and that kills me. 

Tomorrow, I'll be back in the driver seat, kicking ass and taking names.  Tonight, I let my armor slip a little bit and I'm having a problem putting it back into place.  I certainly couldn't do it before writing this blog, so now everyone knows that Dizzy has a chink in her armor.

I was also a little disturbed about someone willing to throw their marriage away so easily.  Granted, I know every case is different, but if you find someone that you can trust and be intimate with, isn't that worth fighting for?  The trick is to know when to fight and when to walk away.  God knows I am not the leading authority on this.  I slugged mine out for far too many years...and yet, I miss what I thought I had (but probably never really had it). I miss the dream of being with the one person that you can let your guard down with and feel safe. I miss the fantasy of growing old with someone and knowing that they'll always be with me, be by my side, be in my heart.

I worry that I'm becoming jaded and that by the time this is all said and done, I really will be hard, bitter and alone. I see men's lips move and all I hear is bullshit. I'm afraid that someone may be actually trying to say something worthy, but I won't bother to truly listen.

I don't want to say anymore.  I've said too much and I'm going to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.