Politics and Tahoe Don't Mix!

My buddy S at work and I were in the middle of a discussion regarding Piers Morgan’s freaking comment about the failed Gun Registration legislation. See Tweet below…. I can’t stand foreigners who think they have the right to comment about our politics and Constitution. Especially when they’re here to make American money (and tons of it). They are spitting in the face of the American citizens that have made them rich! My freedom of speech was paid for by American patriots! Piers has his own problems in his own Country that he should be trying to solve..Not ours! How’s the Gun Ban working in your own Country Piers? Go home and fix it!

So my co-worker “J” got into an extremely passionate discussion with me regarding the failed Gun Registration legislation. He was upset that it failed and felt private interests and corporations had something to do with it. He even said that he feels that we should give up freedoms to protect ourselves!!! NO HE DIDN’T!!! Yup! No, he doesn't read my blog...and that's ok. He said that most American's want gun registration...not sure what surveys he's been reading, but he's not doing his research. He had no argument for the fact that California has one of the strictest gun regulations in the Union and there has been no change in the amount of crime. He totally ignored my comment that maybe we should enforce the laws we have to actually have some kind of impact.

It got so heated that I realized that I needed to deflect the situation, so I told him that I admired his passion. That took him down a notch. He said "Really?" and I said that yes, most Americans are apathetic and he has passion and that I'd like to see more Americans be as passionate about where this Country is headed. He kept saying that he was right...and I would reply that yes he was...in his own mind. Ah well.

I'm up at the Tahoe house and I just love it here. It's so cool to wake up to the smell of pine again and to visit the haunts. I think we may even end up at Emerald Bay to watch the sun rise. Tomorrow though, we'll be going out to breakfast and shopping. I'm looking forward to walking up and down the hills around here. My butt will appreciate it, as will my thighs! Love me some mountain torture.

I'll be seeing CC in about 4 weeks (see January posts) and we've been kinda playing a game of song titles. Trying to outdo each other in who can share the best songs. I will say that I've had to step up my game as far as a contest of wits. But I feel like I'm more myself then I was when we met.

Half of me is hoping that when I do see him that I don't feel the same "sucker punch" that I felt the first time. The other half wants to feel that magic again, but it's scary. It makes me feel exposed and ill equipped. However, I'm back in the real world and I know that fairytales don't happen, there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I have to be realistic about the whole thing. And most importantly...I have to not over-think it. It is what it is.

As my work-husband says... "You do you"...and I intend to.

Internal Conflict

I am so freaking uptight! I'm just internally strung out. Not sure what it is that's causing it.  Probably a combination of a lot of things. I've got two close girlies going under the knife on the same day (different states), with the same surgery. Not what I would've wished for either of them. There are just some people that, you'd be happy to take their place to help them, and these two are it! They're the real deal. I'm having a difficult time articulating what I want to say.

As a matter of fact, because of this, I can't seem to articulate a fucking thing! People have been finishing words for me because I'll be saying something, come up on a word and then freeze! And my mouth just doesn't want to finish what my brain is saying. It's worse when I'm conducting a meeting and I have a bunch of people in the room and things are just not coming out right.  That is not the strong, take-charge image I need to project.

My Niece texted that she "hates her Mom" today...Yeah, I don't get along with her either, but I can't tell her that.  She has to live with her!!! It's hard taking a high road when, soon enough, my niece will figure out what we've all figured out....That no one can live with her self-centered Mom.

The ex called today to let me know my mother had left a message on his machine about needing a ride from the airport tomorrow.  After I straightened things out with my Mom, I called him back to let him know what happened.  Then I thanked him and said that I really appreciate that he's looking out for her.  He went silent, then after a moment he said "that's ok, glad I was here" with a constricted voice. Then said "I'll talk to you later".  I knew that I upset him because he was thinking of "us" and how our relationship and roles had changed.  After I hung up, I was misty-eyed because I don't like feeling like the bad guy when he brought this on our relationship. There was no where for me to go, but out. And while I'll always love him (he's the Dad to our son), I'll never be in-love with him again. I'll never see him in the same way.

Because I'm uptight, I'm responding to things that I really should be just blowing off. I think my sense of humor is shot! And my project has run into yet another hurdle.  While I know this is just a part of project management....I want to go on vacation and not deal with this project, so I need it in a spot where I can leave it comfortably.

I did have a wonderful conversation with K Girl today. She's the one I blogged about earlier (See "Prom") with the daughter who didn't know who to take to prom.  Turns out the guy her daughter is crushing on is named....Jason.  Great! See???  What I said in that Prom Blog was dead on!  Poor K is tired from all the drama and details that go along with Prom. She needs some alone time and girlie time.  She also has 6 year old twins and a potty training toddler.  She needs a break.  We discussed the advantages of being single versus married.  I think we covered all the good points of both and totally dissed the bad points.  She promised to come over and bring the kids and toss my football around with me. Nice!

I also had a fun conversation with "S" today.  Oh man, that girl is a riot. She asked me how my dinner went with a certain someone and wanted to know if the guy can't live without me now.  I started laughing and explained to her that those kinds of things generally fly over my head, and unless a man just comes out and tells me how he feels, I usually don't pick up on the signals. It's because I'm in "man mode" when it comes to that.  I love to flirt...always have, but I don't really use flirting to pick someone up.  So when someone flirts back, I'm just thinking that we're thinking alike and having fun...not that the guy wants to come home and naughty tango with me! And besides, I'm not sure where I'm at with all that stuff right now.  I think I'm in a dangerous place when it comes to men.

I even told one of my guy friends that we have to stop flirting today. He's married and I can see that the flirting is turning to a point where there could be trouble.  Dizzy is not breaking Rule Number 1! I have more than enough complications in my life to keep me busy without adding a married guy into the mix. I've always been a girl that could be friends with just about anyone, ex's, co-workers, gym rats, etc.  But there are just some barriers that can't be crossed, and if it looks like someone is going to cross it, then it's best to put some distance on it. Makes me sad, cuz I really like this person. We'll see what the future will bring.

I'm gonna make my soup, and grab Winnie The Pooh and head for some shut-eye. Yeah, I don't know how I ended up with my Niece's Winnie, but she wants him to stay with Auntie, and Auntie has been cuddling up with Winnie at night. That must be the funniest picture in the world...me, sleeping and snuggling with a stuffed Pooh Bear!  GAWD!!!

Give It All We Got Tonight

So a friend sent this song, and I've been hooked on it.  This is the kind of song that makes you weak in the knees and conjures up nothing but naughty thoughts...I swear! I now know...this is why my cousin loves George Strait!

July moonlight shines

Your pretty little head on my shoulder

Pull over on the side of the road

Oh my God, you're something

Like nothing I've ever seen

If I'm asleep girl, let me dream

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right'

Cause that's all we have in this life

Drink up this love, baby, give it all we got tonight

Summer honeysuckle

Leaking through a rolled down window

We both know when that seat lays back

Anything can happen

So imagine it'll never end

Just close your eyes and you can see that we are where we're meant to be

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right'

Cause that's all we have in this life

Baby, drink up this love, give it all we got tonight

Give it all we got tonight

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right

That's all we have in this life

Drink up this love, c'mon, give it all we got tonight

Give it all we got tonight

Self Worth

As a child we have an over-inflated sense of self worth.  The world revolves around us and we can’t see beyond the things we want or the things that affect us.  As we get older, most of us balance self worth out so we don’t become egotistical or conceited. It also seems to be the one value we possess that others want to demean or take away in a struggle for power.

As a kid, the Anti-Christ would always attack my self-worth by calling me names and encouraging others to do the same.  Not to mention that his constant screaming and abuse would make me feel like maybe I didn’t deserve any better.  It did not get any better until I recognized what he was doing and defended it. We all have those moments in our lives where there comes a time to do something or lose what we possess forever.

What brings up this subject for me? The girl my boy is seeing is having a hard time recognizing her self-worth and is letting her Dad yell and scream at her and call her “whore” for moving in with my boy.  She’s 20 years old. So she asked my advice about it last night and I pulled from personal experience to answer her.  I basically told her that no one is allowed to take her self-worth and that it can only be taken if she allows it to be.  She has to be the one to decide to take it back.

She also needs to move out of her role as a child and show her parents that she is a young adult, holding down a job, paying rent and taking care of business. If she responds back to them respectfully, quietly, but with boundaries, they’ll eventually come around. She cannot cave.  It’s really hard to try and impart that kind of advice when a person doesn’t know you.  I don’t want her to just hear me…I want her to feel me. That’s the only way she’s going to ‘get it’.

I lost sight of my self-worth during my marriage.  I took a back seat to a lot of things I should not have. I think the boy coming to live with us helped bring it back, because he was suffering from lack of self-worth too. In my efforts to bring it back to him, I brought it back to me. Don’t get me wrong…I made some major mistakes with him. I did some yelling that I shouldn’t have. But ultimately, I think he turned out great.  Seeing him make things happen helped me forward.

I do know what I’m worth now. I’m an average looking chick…some days I look better than others…. But I’m sharp, I’m intelligent, I work hard, I play hard, I have some mad skillz in some areas and could learn more in others. I can be funny and quick to smile. I can be the most loyal friend and will fight to the death for you.  I have no problems getting into people’s faces and calling them on their bullshit, but I expect the same thing back. I’m not perfect, but I hope my imperfections are ones that are bearable.  I can give you space to figure out your shit and embrace solitude.  I can dance down store aisles and sidewalks with confidence and I can walk beside you with confidence as you do the same.  No one is allowed to take my self-worth, because I will not allow it.  It might seem like I’m letting you at first, but push me just enough and I come back swinging.  This is what I’d like for my Boy’s girl.  Hope she finds it.

STUFF

Would you believe that my taxes rejected??? Sup with that?  I had to make adjustments and use my old address.  Ah well.  Thank God there’s a grace period.  I know ALL about efile…don’t I Peeps? I may have to look at different software next year, but for now…I think we’ll be ok.

I’ve been blending my own green smoothies for breakfast.  It really helps to have everything already cut and ready to go.  I basically do a mixed fruit (strawberries, cantaloupe, pineapple, honeydew, grapes), kale, a thinly sliced veggie mix that includes Brussels sprouts, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, dried cranberries and pumpkin seeds.  I add a scoop of Acai powder and a little tangerine juice.  Yum! My skin is looking fabulous. It’s better to have a little something in my stomach in the mornings.  I’d been slacking off and just going for coffee.  Not good.

During the week, my main meal is lunch and dinner is a light soup. So for lunch I have a monster salad (not one of those nimby pimby girlie salads) and I finally weaned myself off of dressing and just use a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. My salad always consists of tons of garbanzo beans, beets, sunflower seeds, carrots, red onion, boiled egg,  mushrooms, the veggie mix (described above) and sometimes a little blue cheese and bacon sprinkles (those are the bad items).

Dinner, I make my own egg drop soup. I used to do the broth by hand…and every once in a while, I still do.  But I discovered “Better than Bouillon” chicken base. So I take chopped up garlic and green onion, a little spinach or kale and sauté with a little olive oil and a splash of sesame oil and some pepper.  Once I’ve reduced that down, I put in the BTB and the appropriate amount of water, heat till just boiling, then add a mixed egg in swirls.  Yum! Has my veggies and protein but light on the stomach and easy for me to sleep.  The great thing about this base is that you can mix it up a bit.  I can put in won tons,  or leave out the sesame oil and go for more of a traditional chicken soup with chunks of chicken in it.  It’s up to your imagination…and I can imagine a lot!!!  Then it’s bedtime till 3ish and Vin Diesel calls.

Vin is sounding a little raspy.  I noticed it this morning on the right side of the StairMaster pedal.  Dizzy is not a happy camper.  She’ll be checking it out and lubing up Vin to see what happens tomorrow.  I’m really hoping it’s not the magnetic wheel resistance.  If it is, could be a bit pricey to fix.  If that doesn’t work, I may call someone in to check the machine.  I purposely bought a commercial StairMaster so I wouldn’t be plagued with issues, and so far, Vin has held up for the past 8 years. I can’t complain. I don’t want to take it apart because of the kind of machine that it is, and it does have its own battery backup.  That baby took me a while to pay off, but it’s been so worth it…as the body will attest to.  Thanks Vin.  Until tomorrow’s ass-kicking!

Everything Happens on Tax Day

April 15th.  Of course, I have to be one of the last people to file my taxes today.  That's cuz Dizzy is writing a fat check to IRS and FTB.  This one hurt people, but at least I know now where I stand as far as withholding, etc. April 15th is always a craptacular day.  Those of you who know me, know where I work and it's always busy. It stands to reason that a person who works where I do, would put off filing until the last minute...especially when they owe.  However, I'm a firm believer of e-file and this just proves my point that you can file from the convenience of your computer and not have to deal with the post office.  Plus, you get proof of filing.

Unfortunately, to hear about the bombings in Boston is heartbreaking.  We learned the hard way that things can happen on American soil, but now Americans must unite and take back their Country!  Not with more laws, but by enforcing the laws that we have. It is up to us, or we will continue to suffer casualties on our own turf.  I will await judgement until we know more details, but it's still difficult to deal with.

Also got some bad news from my sista from anutha mutha...she will have to have surgery to combat her cancer.  IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! But we have another week to find out how in depth this surgery and follow up is going to be. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that we're not talking Chemo here. So any good thoughts and prayers you could send my Sista's way would be greatly appreciated.

I'm back on my exercise routine and..as soon as this blog is finished, will be giving Colin Farrell (my bowflex) an open can of whupass!  I was hoping to mow the lawn, but with the rain, it looks like I'll have to wait. It doesn't take long for this half acre to look like a freaking jungle! Dizzy has to treat her yard like the ocean and never turn her back on it. I do have a cool yard, so I'm not complaining.  And although the work is enormous, it will keep my butt in shape.  I'm just wondering what the age is going to be where I throw in the towel and hire someone to do it (if I can afford that). Ah well.

Had some fun with the emails today. This person had me laughing big time!  However, Dizzy has come up with a suitable response for tomorrow's song sharing episode (I'm still giggling) and am willing to bet that I'm gonna be in trouble after shooting this cannon ball over the bow. Ah, I have to remember that paybacks are a bitch.  Fun...but a bitch!

So what's next for this week?  Got lots to do before TAHOE Baby!!!  I just know its going to be beautiful at the Coyote House this weekend. So looking forward to it. We'll see about getting the yard mowed and my wax appointment moved up.  Yeah...It's self-inflected pain time....ah well.

Beautiful Day

So this morning I requisitioned supplies for the house...you know, toilet paper, paper towels, olive oil, pistachio's etc.  And I worked on my taxes...which I still have to finish tonight...UGH!  But I got home and was putting the supplies away and got a text from my Girlie....Day Drinking Time!!!

My Girlie KW has a pool and said that she'd been sunbathing, which I knew meant that I'd need to put my ass in a bikini...If you can't do it with family...who can you do it with? So I packed it up and headed over.  RJ was there and we proceeded to down shots.  Oh Yeah Baby....TEQUILA DOWN!

I think I ended up with 6 shots in my belly.  Yum.  I really don't like the fact that I can down copious amounts of tequila and still function. That is a statistic that doesn't make me proud. If I swear off of the stuff for a year, I think I could get my limit down.  But I did just fine with the shots I had and headed outside for a tan.

Today was one of those days where you're thankful to be alive. The sun is shining, the temp is perfect.  I couldn't understand why people were not smiling in Costco.  They were grumpy and their mouths were turned down, and here I had a shit-eating grin on my face and I was pissing everyone off.  Not my intention, but as far as I'm concerned...they can just suck it!

So I reclined in the lounge chair and soaked up the rays.  It was totally awesome!  We listened to some Collective Soul on the stereo and chillaxed!

I headed home to BBQ. I had picked up this awesome fillet of Salmon.  If you know me, you know my favorite fish is salmon...raw or cooked, it just doesn't matter to me.  So I fired up the BBQ and seasoned up my fish.  My neighbors C and M dropped by to check out the latest improvements to the crib, then headed out, and I put the fish on the grill.  I seasoned it with smoked paprika,  pepper and a little porterhouse seasoning. As you can see from the pics, the fillet was more than necessary for one person, but when you're buying from Costco....

 I think it's important for a person to do some cooking for themselves.  I save my cooking for the weekends.  During the week, I make my rendition of egg drop soup for dinner.  What's the point?  I don't like to go all out, I eat light so I can sleep better and there's no one here to enjoy it with me, so I keep it simple.  During the weekends, I like to really do it right, even if it is for one person. But I can't deny that enjoying the salmon by myself isn't what I would choose for myself.

I just pulled the salmon off the grill, and I'm going to crack open a nice bottle of wine and enjoy a glass with it.  I have Kenny Chesney playing in the background and the citronella candles lit on the patio.  It is a prime evening. I can tell I'll be eating salmon salad all week, but oh well.  At least it's healthy.

Tomorrow is another day Peeps.  I hope this blog finds you all well, happy and loved. Until tomorrow...TAX DAY!

Can't Take Much More Enlightenment...

So today I hit the 2nd Saturday in Sacramento. This is an art walk that features wine, all different kinds of art and people watching at its finest.  OMG, we spotted this one chick in a leopard skin mini dress that had to be at LEAST 5 sizes to small for her.  Doesn't this girl have any BFFs that would have her back and tell her "Honey, don't go out in public in that...it just isn't you"? Uh...guess not!

It was a fun time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Then headed to Strikes Bar with my friends to enjoy a rock country band.  Lots of fun.  My friend RJ was there and he knows my old flame RD. So I told him about meeting up with RD for lunch and catching up. Then I told him what RD said about me being married (see previous post). So KW, my girlie BFF pipes in that when I was in my twenties, guys had a difficult time coming up to me.  They were intimidated and didn't know how to take someone who was so independent and didn't give a fuck. WOW...That was a hard one to swallow.

I told RJ that for the most part that I'd date a guy no more than 5 times and call it history.  He said "you're really proud of that, aren't you?"  Then he says that "He'd like to know about the man that made me this way".  I told him it was a long story that couldn't be told in a bar, but I didn't date this man.

I've already told the story about the AntiChrist, but he's the one that made me distrustful. And for the record...I'm not proud.  I'm actually sad about being that person. I'm sad that I intimidated guys and that the only guys that I went out with actually saw past that tough exterior. I'm sad that I may have hurt someone's feelings.  I know what it's like to be rejected and I know what it's like to think that I might not have a chance with someone.  I just never thought that I was that person that did it to others.

Let's face it....I still do it.  I'm working really hard on it, but it's hard not to think that some man is going to try and fuck me over and that I need to be at least one step ahead of the game so I don't get hurt. How sad is that? Maybe that's what RW and KW meant by my rules. That I'm purposely trying to put up  walls so no one can get in. So I don't have to take risks...even though the rules are pretty common sense rules, its the fact that I have them and posted them that perhaps made them think that I'm barrier building.

I'm really worried that "the" man will come along, and my nature will sabotage the one chance at magic that I may have. I do know who I am, but hearing these things from my past and seeing it through someone else's eyes wasn't what I expected. Did I block out the bitch that I was so I wouldn't have to think about hurting someone else? Have I changed enough to allow a little bit of trust between me and someone that may be interested in me?  I think I have.  I think I've actually taken quite a bit of risk this past year and trusted enough to allow someone in that I've never met and live in the moment.

I just was never really prepared to hear those observations come from my friends and my gut reaction to those observations. I'm ok with it. I would much rather hear truth than smoke up my ass. My friends know this.  I don't even think they realize the impact that I'm feeling.

Although I've managed to stay friends with just about all of my ex's, I just want to put this out into the universe, whether you read this or not.  I'm sorry. I never meant to be a bitch.  I never meant to demean you're efforts to be a significant part of my life. I'm sorry that I didn't trust enough to allow you in. I will do my best in the future to just live each day for what it is and to trust that I'll get through that day just fine and be respectful of the feelings of the man that I am with.

Dizzy is going to bed now.  She doesn't like facing the past and the judgement calls she made that may have hurt other people. Don't get her wrong, she doesn't mind fucking up your shit if you deserve it. She's all over that! But if you didn't deserve it, she doesn't like thinking that maybe the impact she may have made in your life wasn't one that would benefit your future.  Dizzy is feeling like the worse kind of skank right now.

G'nite Peeps...I'm headed for the Fireball and Tequila!