Internal Conflict

I am so freaking uptight! I'm just internally strung out. Not sure what it is that's causing it.  Probably a combination of a lot of things. I've got two close girlies going under the knife on the same day (different states), with the same surgery. Not what I would've wished for either of them. There are just some people that, you'd be happy to take their place to help them, and these two are it! They're the real deal. I'm having a difficult time articulating what I want to say.

As a matter of fact, because of this, I can't seem to articulate a fucking thing! People have been finishing words for me because I'll be saying something, come up on a word and then freeze! And my mouth just doesn't want to finish what my brain is saying. It's worse when I'm conducting a meeting and I have a bunch of people in the room and things are just not coming out right.  That is not the strong, take-charge image I need to project.

My Niece texted that she "hates her Mom" today...Yeah, I don't get along with her either, but I can't tell her that.  She has to live with her!!! It's hard taking a high road when, soon enough, my niece will figure out what we've all figured out....That no one can live with her self-centered Mom.

The ex called today to let me know my mother had left a message on his machine about needing a ride from the airport tomorrow.  After I straightened things out with my Mom, I called him back to let him know what happened.  Then I thanked him and said that I really appreciate that he's looking out for her.  He went silent, then after a moment he said "that's ok, glad I was here" with a constricted voice. Then said "I'll talk to you later".  I knew that I upset him because he was thinking of "us" and how our relationship and roles had changed.  After I hung up, I was misty-eyed because I don't like feeling like the bad guy when he brought this on our relationship. There was no where for me to go, but out. And while I'll always love him (he's the Dad to our son), I'll never be in-love with him again. I'll never see him in the same way.

Because I'm uptight, I'm responding to things that I really should be just blowing off. I think my sense of humor is shot! And my project has run into yet another hurdle.  While I know this is just a part of project management....I want to go on vacation and not deal with this project, so I need it in a spot where I can leave it comfortably.

I did have a wonderful conversation with K Girl today. She's the one I blogged about earlier (See "Prom") with the daughter who didn't know who to take to prom.  Turns out the guy her daughter is crushing on is named....Jason.  Great! See???  What I said in that Prom Blog was dead on!  Poor K is tired from all the drama and details that go along with Prom. She needs some alone time and girlie time.  She also has 6 year old twins and a potty training toddler.  She needs a break.  We discussed the advantages of being single versus married.  I think we covered all the good points of both and totally dissed the bad points.  She promised to come over and bring the kids and toss my football around with me. Nice!

I also had a fun conversation with "S" today.  Oh man, that girl is a riot. She asked me how my dinner went with a certain someone and wanted to know if the guy can't live without me now.  I started laughing and explained to her that those kinds of things generally fly over my head, and unless a man just comes out and tells me how he feels, I usually don't pick up on the signals. It's because I'm in "man mode" when it comes to that.  I love to flirt...always have, but I don't really use flirting to pick someone up.  So when someone flirts back, I'm just thinking that we're thinking alike and having fun...not that the guy wants to come home and naughty tango with me! And besides, I'm not sure where I'm at with all that stuff right now.  I think I'm in a dangerous place when it comes to men.

I even told one of my guy friends that we have to stop flirting today. He's married and I can see that the flirting is turning to a point where there could be trouble.  Dizzy is not breaking Rule Number 1! I have more than enough complications in my life to keep me busy without adding a married guy into the mix. I've always been a girl that could be friends with just about anyone, ex's, co-workers, gym rats, etc.  But there are just some barriers that can't be crossed, and if it looks like someone is going to cross it, then it's best to put some distance on it. Makes me sad, cuz I really like this person. We'll see what the future will bring.

I'm gonna make my soup, and grab Winnie The Pooh and head for some shut-eye. Yeah, I don't know how I ended up with my Niece's Winnie, but she wants him to stay with Auntie, and Auntie has been cuddling up with Winnie at night. That must be the funniest picture in the world...me, sleeping and snuggling with a stuffed Pooh Bear!  GAWD!!!