Average Sunday??? NOT!

We ended up at the Flight Deck in Tahoe for breakfast and ran into the Drama Queens of Friday night...YAWN!  They wanted to treat their hangover before heading home to the Bay Area.  The only person missing, was the object of their affection..."K"...but he had T-Ball with his boys (Got to admire a real man that puts his boys before his ho's...just sayin)!  No tears shed there.  We headed home and I got a call from the ex...he's stopping by to pick up the recliner with his Dad.

His Dad hasn't seen the house since he moved and I changed it.  I was really wondering how that was all going to go down.  So when I got home, I set about doing those things to open up the house, etc.  They arrived a half hour later. I gave Dad (yes, I still call my Father-in-Law "Dad") the tour and pointed out the major changes.  Even he said that he'd never recognize the house.  Then he said that his son (my ex) said it looked better than it ever did.  Wow!  That was a nice compliment...but the icing on the cake was that he said Mom (My MIL) would be proud and would've loved it.  Although I knew that deep down, it was so much better hearing it from him.

We had some soda and talked and then the boys left, leaving me to get ready for a birthday party. My Buddy TH was having his birthday, and his wife texted me with a special request to be there.  I've known TH since Jr. High.  We used to walk to  school together.  Although there was never anything between us, we're still friends.  More like a brother/sister relationship. I wore a black tank (being that the temp was in the high 80's) and a red/black sarong at knee length.

If you know me, you know that I'm more at home in skirts and sarongs.  On vacation...I live in sarongs that wrap around my waist and I tie them. I can tie them as short or as long as I want them.  They are instant air-conditioning and comfortable. So far (knock on wood), I've only had one incident where my knot came undone while dancing on a dance floor in a bar in Cabo and people got a glimpse of my thong...ah well.  At my age...who the fuck cares?

So I'm there and TH is harassing me about everything.  He tortured me for news about the Iowa Farm Boy (Uh hello...I broke up with him months ago) and wanted to know who was the latest. I swear he lives vicariously through me! He's poking at the twins and calling them fake (they take personal offense to that) but by the time I arrived, he'd already downed mas tequila. So I can't take it personal...except when he's trying to convince others that the twins are saline.  FUCKER!  I had to take him down big-time!   But it's all love.

It was the perfect evening to celebrate.  It was one of those kinds of evenings where the air is still and the temperature is perfect. We sat around the front patio and I was just kind of soaking it all in.  Just about everyone there was couples, which I was ok with...but they're all talking the 'couple language' about kids and planting, how long to water, fertilizer, etc. and it hit me that at one time, I would've been one of those people...but now I'm as far right as I could possibly be. It's when the twilight is calm and the air is cool that the thoughts come to mind..."Will I ever be in this place again?" "Will I ever be part of something bigger than myself?" "Will I have a 'better half' that worships and adores me like the men surrounding me adore their women?" I felt the abrupt shift where I was no longer a part of the group, I was suddenly on the outskirts. I was suddenly the enemy...the divorced single chick out to steal their men. Although I didn't dress that part (at least, I don't think so), my hair was pulled back in a  partial french braid that ended in a ponytail and my makeup was minimal.  For about 10 minutes, it was a little hairy.  After a couple of jokes and self-depreciating remarks (with TH assisting), it changed and everything was ok.

I'm not going to bitch and whine.  We all know that this isn't where I had planned to be. I had a choice to make and I made it. Given the circumstances, if I had it to do all over again, I'd make the same fucking choice. It is what it is. There are just moments...where it comes crashing down on your head and you question yourself.  So far, my answers are sound, so the questioning comes quick and goes away. But I always wonder....

I think it's the evening.  I'm home now and the doors are wide open and the screens shut, letting in the cool crisp spring air. I'm drinking my second finger of Fireball (and I fucking need it, so step off bitches!), and blogging and this is where I have to open up and be me.  This is where the doubts get aired and challenges come. This is where I send my issues and inklings off to the universe and let them go.

But in the Grand Scheme of things, I had an amazing weekend! I hiked, I drank, I helicoptered, I sunbathed, I was with family, I took care of business, I celebrated and I danced. The only thing that could've topped it was sex...but we'll have to wait for that. When I look at my weekend, I am amazed that I did these things.  Me.  I didn't need to have a boyfriend or a man with me. I didn't need assurance that it was ok. I was fully capable of kicking ass and taking names. Please don't get me wrong....

I would love to have a man...my man...be a part of these things. But until that person comes along, it's nice to know that I can do these things and be just fine. It is more than I could've dreamed. My Aussie Friend Cat is worried that I will "under sell' myself.  She's worried that I will let some user come into my life because I'm tired of being alone and will take whatever comes along and put up with the bullshit.  I don't mind a man with self-confidence.  If he knows who he is and what his is about...I'm good with that. And honestly...much prefer that.  However, that doesn't mean that I'll put up with a man who (while recognizing his own self worth) doesn't recognize my self worth.

So heads up!  Yes, I'm here to tell you that I have faults!  I am scarred, both emotionally and physically! This does not mean that I am weak! This does not mean that you can walk all over me! This does not mean that I can't live without you! NEWSFLASH!  I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!  I've already done it, and I'll do it again. This does not mean that I want to, but I will do what I have to do to survive and make it in this world. I have things to offer and with the right person, I can make it exciting.  But don't think for a second that I'm going to take a back seat, wait around till you figure it out, let you pat me on the head and smack my ass and send me on my way (unless it's during sex), and think I'm going to hang around and wait till you've found yourself and are "happy happy joy joy" with the things around you.  Really???  It ain't gonna happen.

Just so you know...I will give your concerns due consideration, I will be satisfied with whatever the situation is at the time it is, and I will walk away. If sex is in the picture, then so be it. But that doesn't mean you'll be dealing with some spoiled princess that will cry and beg you to please call and make everything alright. Sex is a gift. I'll enjoy the gift and walk. Because I recognize that while you gave me a gift....I gave one right back. Here I am!  Step off, or bring it!

Ok, done being militant. Gotta make my bed and get up early to kick Vin Diesel's ass.  I can only hope your weekend was as productive as mine.  Believe in "you" my friends. No one else is going to do it! My wish for you is the strength and will to follow your dreams and never settle for second best. If you're my friend...you only deserve the best!