Does Being "In Love" Wear Off?

I was talking to my friend L today. She said that she had asked her neighbor (who’s been married for 40 years) if she was still “In Love” with her husband. The woman replied “Oh L…after so many years that goes away. Yes, I love him, but that “In Love” stuff doesn’t last. She then said that L was naïve.

Wow! I was not happy to hear that, because even though I’m not a teen, I want to believe the man I end up with will work as hard as I do to stay “In love”. I think that people assume that once you fall in love…that’s it! That relationships that are not easy, must be the wrong relationship and it’s time to bail and “fall in love” with someone else.

I have to be honest and say that I’ve never just fallen in love (except once). Love for me has always been something that grows. I might be attracted, but I never allowed myself to fall instantly in love. I didn’t trust enough for that and I always knew that eventually I’d get screwed over, so I was extremely cautious. Even my ex-husband… I knew for years before the love grew into “In Love”. When I told my old flame “R” at lunch last week about being divorced, he looked at me and said “You got Married???” And I looked at him and asked him why he put it that way. He said “I never thought you’d get married! You just didn’t let anyone in and you broke it off with me”. I don’t quite remember it that way, but Holy Cow, I put off serious Fuck You vibes in my twenties!

Once married, I worked really hard at trying to stay in love. I stayed in my marriage a lot longer than I should have for two reasons.

1. I truly believe that when you make the commitment for marriage (when you give someone your heart) that it’s forever. You’ve chosen the person that you want to grow old and die with.
2. My Son desperately needed a Dad, a good Dad. He needed a family and stability. There is nothing on this earth that I would not endure to ensure that he got that. My boy deserved those things and he was robbed by decisions made by my sister. I made sure he got it.

I worked really hard to keep the magic alive…the “In Love” part going. I did special things to keep the spark and excitement. It was when the alcohol got in the way of his recognizing those special efforts that it started going downhill.

This time around, I want a man that wants those same things. I want to know that every time I touch him, he thinks it’s the most delicious feeling in the world. I want him to know that I will work at the relationship to keep it exciting, fun, fresh and about us. That I will make him/us a priority so that “we” will last forever. But I need to know that he’ll do the same. I need to know that he’ll be in love with the crazy, warped stuff that I do because I can’t change those things. He has to be in love with all of me.

I’m already so jaded, and the whole forever thing really seems like a fairy tale. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t work to be proven wrong. I guess after hearing R say what he did, I started to grasp the enormity of my angst. I knew I was bad, I just didn’t realize how bad. I have the feeling I was really mean to the men of my younger life and I don’t want to be that person now. So I guess I’m juxtaposed with naiveté and cynicism.

I'm not naive enough to think that there are not going to be times when I want to slap the look right off the face of my partner. There are times when you just do not like the person you're with. I still want to be "In Love" though. I KNOW that my partner will have "What the fuck am I doing here?" moments with me. I'm a challenge! I know how to push buttons and really piss you off! It's due to the upbringing...but if my partner will weather those moments, I will bring back the "In Love" part of the relationship.

That’s ok though. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be a Cradle Robbing single for the rest of my life. I’m not going to be in a relationship unless the person I’m with really wants to work at it and has forever in mind. I also have a lot more to risk now. As horrible as this sounds, because of my marriage, I am now mindful of my retirement and my home and that is what I’m going to need to live on. I would have to be completely gobsmacked in love before I’d even consider risking my financial future. It sucks that I have to think that way, and takes all the magic out of it. But then again…to be “In Love” and stay “In Love”….well, there’s just no telling.  In the meantime...I'm all about fun!

“And I swore to me that I wasn’t going to love again.

The last time was the last time I’d let someone in”