Silent Screaming

Do you know what that is?  Have you ever experienced it? For me, it always happens at intense emotional moments, when you can't or won't let out a sound, but inside your head is this deafening screaming going on. The kind that ping pongs around the skull and makes you deaf to outside noise.

I first experienced silent screaming as a kid. It was a way to respond back to the asshole AntiChrist without actually uttering a sound. After a while though, I switched to self-induced deafness to drown out his yelling.

When I got older, it was a way to express my intense frustration and anger without actually screaming out loud.  Usually it occurred whenever I was dealing with family issues that became overwhelming.  I'd be talking to my mother and get extremely irritated, but couldn't scream out of respect...so I did it silently.

The loudest, longest screaming I did was when my Nephew died, and I wrote about it in a previous blog.  After dealing with the family stuff all day, and not being able to show too much emotion (if I did, I wouldn't have been able to do the things I needed to do...like inform my sister, mother and my boy about the news), I came home and just broke down.  I was staying with a friend, because I was working on the house, so I knew I couldn't scream out loud. I was blogging and had tears running down my face and my mouth was open in a soundless scream that just wouldn't end.  I could hear it in my head...so much so, that I couldn't hear my fingers tapping on the keyboard, but it was horror movie screaming. It was just like that scene in The Godfather III where Michael Corleone was on the steps of the Opera house, cradling his daughter Mary who had just been shot.  He's looking up at the heavens and tears are streaming down his face and his mouth is open in a silent scream and you could see the scream coming and suddenly...you hear it.  Only no one could hear mine but me.

Today I did some silent screaming at work, but nothing as heart rending as the aforementioned occasion...I was in my work environment and they frown on screaming and 4 letter words....I know right???  What the fuck! I was just frustrated.  My co-worker "J" was being a turd and asking asinine questions and I snapped at him.  He kept hounding me and finally I told him that I'm having a bad day and to leave me alone. He acted as if I'm never supposed to have those!  He said "you're always smiling, you can't have bad days!"  REALLY??? Half the time I'm smiling to get everyone to leave me alone.  It's a hell of a lot easier than to walk around with a frown and having everyone and his uncle questioning you!  I lit into him and told him that he's grumpy and snappish all the time, and I cut him slack.  Can't he do the same for me?  Enter silent screaming....

I emailed someone about having a bad day and said that I was silently screaming. This person turned it on me and made me smile by saying "You had me at silently screaming".  NICE!  I started thinking about that....do I silently scream during sex? I know I can be quite intense and I can be quite loud...depending upon the circumstances.  I think it starts off in my head, but I always verbalize it somehow.  I know I swear during sex...ok, when don't I swear, I know.

Sometimes I can be a real sailor and I know it isn't "Lady like", and sometimes it can be downright crude. I do try to hold myself back, but during sex.....fugetaboutit! Really good sex is as raw as it can be and it isn't about being a sissy! So I would say that it isn't the same because I'm having fun and I really don't have thoughts going through my head per se. Well, nasty thoughts, yes! I've learned to be in the moment, so...

Alright, enough of this topic.  Said goodbye to a friend and mentor today.  She's usually the project sponsor of my projects and we've made a solid team. She paid me the highest compliment.  She said that I should go into management, and I've been putting off the glorified babysitting.  She said that I was one person that she would actually love to work for.  I was genuinely floored by that compliment and have always remembered it. I will miss her. She let me do my job and didn't micro-manage me. LOVE IT!

Tomorrow night is Girls Nite at Dizzy's crib!  Really looking forward to it.  Not sure if ya'll are gonna get a blog tomorrow, but at least there may be something interesting for Saturday! G'nite peeps.  Dizzy is a bit tired and is thinking about falling asleep in front of the TV.