Can't Take Much More Enlightenment...

So today I hit the 2nd Saturday in Sacramento. This is an art walk that features wine, all different kinds of art and people watching at its finest.  OMG, we spotted this one chick in a leopard skin mini dress that had to be at LEAST 5 sizes to small for her.  Doesn't this girl have any BFFs that would have her back and tell her "Honey, don't go out in public in that...it just isn't you"? Uh...guess not!

It was a fun time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Then headed to Strikes Bar with my friends to enjoy a rock country band.  Lots of fun.  My friend RJ was there and he knows my old flame RD. So I told him about meeting up with RD for lunch and catching up. Then I told him what RD said about me being married (see previous post). So KW, my girlie BFF pipes in that when I was in my twenties, guys had a difficult time coming up to me.  They were intimidated and didn't know how to take someone who was so independent and didn't give a fuck. WOW...That was a hard one to swallow.

I told RJ that for the most part that I'd date a guy no more than 5 times and call it history.  He said "you're really proud of that, aren't you?"  Then he says that "He'd like to know about the man that made me this way".  I told him it was a long story that couldn't be told in a bar, but I didn't date this man.

I've already told the story about the AntiChrist, but he's the one that made me distrustful. And for the record...I'm not proud.  I'm actually sad about being that person. I'm sad that I intimidated guys and that the only guys that I went out with actually saw past that tough exterior. I'm sad that I may have hurt someone's feelings.  I know what it's like to be rejected and I know what it's like to think that I might not have a chance with someone.  I just never thought that I was that person that did it to others.

Let's face it....I still do it.  I'm working really hard on it, but it's hard not to think that some man is going to try and fuck me over and that I need to be at least one step ahead of the game so I don't get hurt. How sad is that? Maybe that's what RW and KW meant by my rules. That I'm purposely trying to put up  walls so no one can get in. So I don't have to take risks...even though the rules are pretty common sense rules, its the fact that I have them and posted them that perhaps made them think that I'm barrier building.

I'm really worried that "the" man will come along, and my nature will sabotage the one chance at magic that I may have. I do know who I am, but hearing these things from my past and seeing it through someone else's eyes wasn't what I expected. Did I block out the bitch that I was so I wouldn't have to think about hurting someone else? Have I changed enough to allow a little bit of trust between me and someone that may be interested in me?  I think I have.  I think I've actually taken quite a bit of risk this past year and trusted enough to allow someone in that I've never met and live in the moment.

I just was never really prepared to hear those observations come from my friends and my gut reaction to those observations. I'm ok with it. I would much rather hear truth than smoke up my ass. My friends know this.  I don't even think they realize the impact that I'm feeling.

Although I've managed to stay friends with just about all of my ex's, I just want to put this out into the universe, whether you read this or not.  I'm sorry. I never meant to be a bitch.  I never meant to demean you're efforts to be a significant part of my life. I'm sorry that I didn't trust enough to allow you in. I will do my best in the future to just live each day for what it is and to trust that I'll get through that day just fine and be respectful of the feelings of the man that I am with.

Dizzy is going to bed now.  She doesn't like facing the past and the judgement calls she made that may have hurt other people. Don't get her wrong, she doesn't mind fucking up your shit if you deserve it. She's all over that! But if you didn't deserve it, she doesn't like thinking that maybe the impact she may have made in your life wasn't one that would benefit your future.  Dizzy is feeling like the worse kind of skank right now.

G'nite Peeps...I'm headed for the Fireball and Tequila!